Serenity

After a really horrible 3 weeks, it seems as though life is settling down.  What I am most excited about is, in the midst of all the turmoil, I still managed to keep to my walking and didn't loose it as much w/ my eating and  I lost 2 lbs.  My weight this morning was 248.8 lbs.  I am only 4.8 lbs heavier than at my lowest weight last year.  It feels good!  I am feeling more confident today. I am sleeping better. I was able to get a couple of hours for myself yesterday. I went for a 5 mile walk in a little under 2 hours. Amazingly I wasn't that sore today. In fact, I didn't feel stiff or sore even after today's walk. I put a lot of this down to taking the time to relax and ground myself with who I am, with my wife and kids, with my God, and with my friends. My sense of humor is coming back and I feel a calm and assurance I have been missing for awhile. I am feeling stronger, healthier, and sexier. I know that I have it in me to complete this journey and start a new chapter in my life. I have to be paitent; not my strongist trait. As a friend and co-worker says, I can't die today because I learned something :)

Rising Above

My life continues to be absolutely nuts!  Classes for my new job, trying to get the hang of advice nursing while trying to create a team oriented environment and making sure that I am available for the team.  My family of origin is still having many issues that have been weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  Not to mention the little day to day stuff that is usually easily weathered are now bigger issues because I have so many other things demanding my emotional strength.

For instance, last Saturday I took the Saturn in to have a lock mechanism replaced; should have taken 1 hour.  I went for a walk and got back at an hour and a half.  I was told, a bolt broke and they were having to drill it out, be another 15-20 minutes.  Checked in around 15 minutes, having a difficult time getting the bolt out, then once they finish the job, the guys working on the car locked the keys in the car...yep...of course my only set are in the car.  My insurance cards are in the car as well, so they couldn't give me a loaner car, so I had to wait for the tow truck to show up and pop the lock. 

This is how the last 2 weeks have been.  I've been depressed, weighed down, feel like I've been slogging through the deepest mud.  On Friday, I started reminding myself that I am stronger than all of this crap.  I don't have to react to this stuff.  Thanks to my friend, Lynn, she has kept me walking at my lunch break at work.  My eating habits are different w/ the new job, my caloric intake during the day has dropped drastically.  It does mean that I have been eating more in the evenings, including junk.  I am working on this and have continued w/ the snack bags. 

One of the other things I wrestle with is keeping on some of my maintenance medications; especially my maintenance inhaler for my asthma.  I have started catching myself saying, I can just miss one day, its no big deal, I don't want to deal w/ the inhaler today.  Being more aware of these thoughts, I have been able to encourage myself to keep on my medications; reminding myself that my health is better because I have been compliant with my treatment plan and keeping with it is the only way I can continue to feel better and have fewer health issues. 

I am stronger than all of this.  Stronger than the emotional crap, stronger that the physical fatigue, stronger than my sabotaging subconscious. 

I am finding ways to keep myself rejuvenated.  Thanks to Kat for making the best suggestion ever, to take a drive last Saturday.  She had never been down the Columbia River Gorge, so we took the scenic route up to Vista House, then down through Multnomah Falls, Horse Tail Falls, Onteana Gorge.  We then drove to Hood River, cut up HWY 35 to Mt. Hood.  We stopped at Timberline Lodge, which still had snow, and then drove back home.  It was an amazing trip.  We all had a wonderful time.  I walked over 15,000 steps that day. 

The weather has been aggravating my asthma.  Even with that aggravation, I have managed to walk about 30-40 minutes the last couple of days.  I am not walking today, I felt that I needed to take my lunch hour to blog, to get these feelings and ideas down.  I will also miss my walk on Friday because of a doctor appointment.  I will find other means to cope. 

I have created a playlist called Pump It Up.  It is music that speaks to my heart and soul.  While some of it is loud, fast, and just a way to release stress through head banging, most are songs that I find give me peace.  I am finding that I will sit in my car when I get to work listening to a song or two in preparation for the day ahead.  I am finding time with Kat is rejuvenating as well.  She and I are in a good place and I love her so much.  Having her just sit with me, cuddle with me, hold my hand makes the stress of the day seem less important. 

I need my me time, but am finding while my walking is uber important, I need to find time for me to do other things that help me stay focused and healthy as well.  So my hope is that I will find a way to take a day off of walking during the week and be able to blog.  This new job is wonderful, but I am so tired when I get home, I don't want to process or think about much besides my family and the love I have for them.

Find your strength, your saboteur and find a way to keep yourself in check.  Find a way to see how strong you are and how you can rise above the crap of our lives.  Take that crap and let it go, stop reacting, and start climbing.  The climb will help purge all the toxic emotions and in the end, you will find that you can prevent yourself from reacting and be healthy.

Uncertain times

This is a time of great change in my life.  I've taken a new job that allows me to use both my MBA and RN.  I am the RN team lead for a very large internal medicine clinic.  I love the job, I love the people I'm working with, but as with any new job, my balance is off as I am learning the new role.  With all of the changes, I am looking for ways to help myself feel confident and keep in mind that I am capable. It is scary, the confidence others in the clinic have in my ability to bring our team together. I keep reminding myself that there is a reason others trust and believe that I am capable to work well with this team. Who am I to question what many other people see in me? I need to give myself pep talks each morning, but I know in time I will believe what I tell myself. Kat and I are talking about buying me some new shirts that will help me feel confident. I have no regrets about taking this job. I love the opportunity that I have before me and love how the team I work with is ready to make our team excel.

What a week

I can't even begin to explain last week!  I started my new job, we lost Kat's bio-mom, I was dealing with hormones, allergies were awful thanks to lots of pollen, the cooky weather set my asthma off, had a huge rowe with my Dad, and a good friend of ours is going through a tough time and we are very concerned about him.  Needless to say, my stress level has been quite elevated.  With an increase in stress comes issues with eating.

It didn't help that last week was also Passover; our eating pattern and diet are different during Passover.  I wanted to binge but was restricted by the dietary laws of Passover.  In some ways this was good but what happened was I binged on higher fat foods like Macaroons, Brie, and ice cream.  Binging on matzah just didn't sound right.

Good news is, I continued to walk during this time.  I did not gain any weight.  Plus it seems this is a situational issue rather than a true depressive episode.  I walked again today, it helped with some of the left over tension.

I have been making good strides.  My work pants have been getting baggy.  Last week I was afraid that my pants would fall down every time I stood up.  The next day I put my belt on...I normally wear my belt on the first hole with my jeans, I went to the second hole on the belt.  It felt good! 

So even during this time of upheaval, I am finding ways to make sure I keep my behaviors and habits in the forefront of my mind.  I was aware of what was happening and was still able to decrease the amount of binging and had better control of what I binged on.

I am looking forward to this week.  I know it will be a rough week, but my mood is improving and I like what I am doing at my new job.  I am lucky to have Kat and the girlies to help me keep perspective.

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Passover & Easter

I was very happy about how things went this weekend.  We had two wonderful meals and I never felt like I over ate.  I stayed within my calorie limit and still enjoyed the desserts. 

Our Seder was amazing.  Great food and awesome conversation.  We talked about ideas and beliefs.  It was great to hear what the girls thought and had learned in Hebrew school. 

We spent Easter with Kat's parents.  Another wonderful meal and great company.  It was relaxing and restful.  I only walked 3500 steps yesterday, but had walked over 11000 on Saturday. 

I found this weekend rejuvenating.  We were busy, but through it all I found that was still able to take care of me.  It felt good.

I also started my new job today.  I have taken a team lead position.  I have a lot to learn and am looking forward to spreading my wings.

It is going to be a good week.

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Munchy

Have I mentioned that the weather changes rapidly here in the Pacific Northwest?  Yesterday was a gorgeous spring day with sun and temperatures around 60 degrees Fahrenheit.  Today, gray, constant rain, high temperature of maybe 50 degrees Fahrenheit and a low of 38 degrees Fahreheit.  These rapid changes play havoc w/ my asthma. I get very tired because I am fighting to breath.

I wasn't able to finish this blog yesterday, life got a bit crazy, so I am continuing on today.  I am not as munchy today.  I find that when I get munchy, I want crunchy; so yesterday I had my popcorn snack about 1000 am.  It felt weird to have my popcorn at that time, but it really did help my munchies.  In fact, I didn't feel munchy last night.  Dinner filled me up and I had no desire to have a snack.  Well here I am, another day gone by. It has been a crazy week. I am surprised that while I have been munchy, I have not gone over my daily caloric intake. I also did not get to my walk twice this week. All things considered, it has been a good week.

Great Weekend-ok, Wicked was GREAT!

The best thing this weekend, was that Kat and I went to see Wicked!  It was amazing!!  Followed by an absolutely gorgeous day here in the Pacific Northwest.  I got my cool on by being able to wear my sunglasses and walk w/o a coat!  Had a great walk today and it felt good to move.  I am finding an issue though...I've lost enough inches that my headphones for my ipad don't reach from my pocket anymore, so today I had to improvise...that's what bras are for right?? :D  Yep, stuck my ipod in my bra.  When those get to low for my headphones, I'm up the creek ;)

I haven't measured my waist, but my weight is down to 251.2 lbs.  I am having to wear a belt with my jeans or people think I am a "crack" dealer...yes I'm full of it today!   All of my boxers are loose and I am, once again, being able to fit into shirts that I like w/o having to worry about gaps between the buttons or buttons just popping off.  When Kat and I went to Wicked yesterday, I wore jeans (with belt), a button down shirt that usually fits, but was a bit big now, a tie and my vest, which is now getting too big too!

I was feeling off all weekend, tired and just couldn't get my energy up.  Wicked was awesome, but even after that, just kind of felt blah.  Today I am feeling better. More alert, more engaged than I was at the end of last week and over the weekend.  Things are blooming around here and I wonder if my blah was related to my asthma being stirred up but not exacerbated.  Could be I'm just tired after all of the interviews and now the anticipated transfer of jobs, takes a lot out of a person.  Who knows, but I am glad to be feeling better today.

I was also fitted for my tux over the weekend.  I am very excited about the tux I am renting.  It is white with a Nehru jacket and Mandarin collar shirt.  The vest will be a copper/cinnamon red.  White wingtip shoes.  I can't wait.  I am flying high about having a wedding ceremony.  My past partners, we never did anything formal.  This is the way it should be, our family and friends with us as we dedicate ourselves to a life together.  The validation and recognition of Kat and I as a couple.  We have other plans to solidify the family unit of Kat, the twins and I. 

This is an exciting time for me professionally and personally.  I am blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing people and am thankful for all that I am able to do.