The Bunny Hop...5 years forward, One year back

It has been 10 days since I was taken away in an ambulance to the Emergency Room.  The last time that happened for my asthma was 6 years ago.  In that 6 years, I have worked my ass off on trying to find my path towards health.  Looking to surround myself with positive energy, working a job that wasn't too stressful so I could focus on taking care of myself.  I still wrestled with my ups and downs, positive and negative, my good and bad, but improvements were made.  I was moving forward.

On Friday, March 8th, I felt all that progress was lost.  I was already compromised and on Prednisone.  All it took was running (walking quickly) to a medical emergency and I became the medical emergency.  I am so blessed to work with the people I do!  They were amazing.  Because of their quick response, I was not admitted and actually allowed to go home to the care of my loving wife.

As I was working to breath, oxygen mask on, being hauled out on a stretcher, I reflected on how I had allowed myself to get back to that point.  How I have allowed myself to no longer be the most important thing.  How I have allowed my health to decline again.  Am I truly back to the place I was?  I feel that way.  Reality is, no. 

This was a bad attack; one of the worst I've ever had.  My health is not as bad as it was 6 years ago.  My weight is still not as heavy, I am still aware of creating space (though this will always be a challenge), and my diet is better.  My understanding of myself as well as an understanding of my reactions to my environment are much better and more holistic.  But, there has been loss of progress.

Having been off the Lamictil has been a huge help.  My body has changed shape again.  My energy level is better.  I am more engaged in my life.  There is still very much an issue of my job though.  I took a risk on this job, knowing there was a possibility that it would throw me back, and I feel that my job has contributed greatly to this.  It is a stressful job that puts me in a very uncomfortable place at times. 

For those of you whom I work with, I am not going anywhere :)  I need to find a way to temper the job stress, just like thousands of other people.  I like what I do and I love who I work with.  There are changes that are coming into the clinic that I think will help.  Even with the changes though, I need to be responsible and find a way to take care of me.

I am all about being responsible and taking responsibility, yet, when it comes to taking care of me...all of that flies away. It is about accountability and responsibility.  If this was one of the twins, I would make sure that they were where they needed to go, on time, but since it is me, I shrug things off.

The last blog, I was asking how can I change.  My answer, paper and pencil.  There is something grounding about writing with a pencil.  I am writing down how I feel after eating things at work, or when I've done an activity.  I need to write a new schedule for my weekends.  I can contemplate all I want, but to make it happen, I have to write it down.  Follow through means accountability, having it written down means I can't say I didn't know, or say it isn't that important.

I love my therapist, Anita.  Anita says: he who sticks head in sand gets ass bit!  Well, my ass was bitten!  So writing down my new ideas will commence.  Pencils are sharpened, paper is ready, and ideas are flowing.  Now to find the energy to follow through.  I know this is always a hard thing.  I will find it...keep my eyes on the future...a future without ambulance rides to the hospital...a future of walking with my family without being short of breath...a future where I am healthy.

How do I make the changes?

Still feeling more alert, more engaged, but still fatigued.  Also, have had a lot of trouble w/ my asthma this last week.  I am not able to walk down the hall without becoming short of breath.  I have started on Prednisone, which makes me feel even worse.  The other thing Prednisone does to me, is amplifies my contemplative nature.

As my therapist, Anita says, I have been here before.  I have come full cycle again.  Trying to find the balance between my personal needs, my wife's needs, my family needs, my career needs, and many other needs.  Trying to find ways to weave all of those together to make a beautiful tapestry is difficult; and right now the tapestry is in much need of repair and restructuring.

I am finding that I am listening to Elvis's In the Ghetto over and over again.  The despair, the hopelessness, the feeling of being trapped seems to be resonating with me.  This makes me think about how to change my situation.  How do I change my priorities?  How do I not fall back into habits?  How do I keep from feeling suffocated with all that I put on myself? 

I have ideas, about how to rearrange my life, but it is scary.  I'm not usually afraid, but I am.  I need to follow through and keep to the course that I see for my life instead of shrinking away.

For example, I want to attend services on Saturday mornings.  I would take the girls with me.  What stops me, gotta get the grocery shopping and other errands done.  What it is preventing me from doing, feeling inadequate.  I am afraid of not quite knowing what I am doing.  Afraid that the girls will ask me questions I have no clue the answer to or even where to start with an answer.  Mostly, I'm afraid that G-d won't accept me.  The G-d I love would never turn me away, but I still have that Catholic, am I good enough? 

And it isn't the mitzvot (commandments) that I am worried about.  I am still afraid of that darkness within me.  I have not found a way to accept that part.  One of the things that I love about Judaism, is the acceptance that all of us are made of some good stuff and some not so good stuff.  None of us are perfect and we are to embrace our imperfections as well.  I know I am imperfect, and I like it that way!  But I have issues that I don't like to admit I have.  I am arrogant, get angry, and self-centered-some would say a true Leo.  I know that G-d knows these attributes are part of me.  I am putting a truly human perception on the higher power, the universe, G-d.  But, I am afraid.  The fear is real and paralyzing. 

Once again, I've fallen into the habit of shouldering everything, not reaching out, and bulldozing along.  So here is to facing my fears, once again climbing up, and be the person G-d wants me to be.

Shalom

Elvis Presley - In The Ghetto (Music Video) (1969)

This is the song I was referring to in my current blog.

Its still winter in the NW

I was able to walk twice this week.  This resulted in the aches and pains that go with becoming more active.  I hobbled around like an old woman, creaking and groaning.  I have not been able to walk the last couple of days due to the creaks and groans, but also due to the wet, cold, windy weather that permeates the NW of the United States this time of year. 

Last year, I walked the parking garage when the weather was too nasty to walk outside.  I am hoping that I will convince myself that this is still a good idea next week.  My goal is to walk 3 times next week; rain or shine. 

I am not someone who likes to go to the gym.  We have a stationary bike at home, but heaven forbid I actually use it.  What I enjoy is walking.  I find it meditative, invigorating, and rejuvenating. I don't get that feeling with any other physical activity.  It grounds me, which is why if I don't walk, I loose any forward momentum. 

I have to keep reminding myself that it is ok to take the time for me on the weekends and go for a walk.  I try to force myself to walk 5 days a week on my lunch break while at work.  Due to schedules, work load, and other interruptions, it is not always feasible for me to walk on my lunch break. 

I have lost my train of thought on this post, so I am posting it as incomplete.