How do I make the changes?

Still feeling more alert, more engaged, but still fatigued.  Also, have had a lot of trouble w/ my asthma this last week.  I am not able to walk down the hall without becoming short of breath.  I have started on Prednisone, which makes me feel even worse.  The other thing Prednisone does to me, is amplifies my contemplative nature.

As my therapist, Anita says, I have been here before.  I have come full cycle again.  Trying to find the balance between my personal needs, my wife's needs, my family needs, my career needs, and many other needs.  Trying to find ways to weave all of those together to make a beautiful tapestry is difficult; and right now the tapestry is in much need of repair and restructuring.

I am finding that I am listening to Elvis's In the Ghetto over and over again.  The despair, the hopelessness, the feeling of being trapped seems to be resonating with me.  This makes me think about how to change my situation.  How do I change my priorities?  How do I not fall back into habits?  How do I keep from feeling suffocated with all that I put on myself? 

I have ideas, about how to rearrange my life, but it is scary.  I'm not usually afraid, but I am.  I need to follow through and keep to the course that I see for my life instead of shrinking away.

For example, I want to attend services on Saturday mornings.  I would take the girls with me.  What stops me, gotta get the grocery shopping and other errands done.  What it is preventing me from doing, feeling inadequate.  I am afraid of not quite knowing what I am doing.  Afraid that the girls will ask me questions I have no clue the answer to or even where to start with an answer.  Mostly, I'm afraid that G-d won't accept me.  The G-d I love would never turn me away, but I still have that Catholic, am I good enough? 

And it isn't the mitzvot (commandments) that I am worried about.  I am still afraid of that darkness within me.  I have not found a way to accept that part.  One of the things that I love about Judaism, is the acceptance that all of us are made of some good stuff and some not so good stuff.  None of us are perfect and we are to embrace our imperfections as well.  I know I am imperfect, and I like it that way!  But I have issues that I don't like to admit I have.  I am arrogant, get angry, and self-centered-some would say a true Leo.  I know that G-d knows these attributes are part of me.  I am putting a truly human perception on the higher power, the universe, G-d.  But, I am afraid.  The fear is real and paralyzing. 

Once again, I've fallen into the habit of shouldering everything, not reaching out, and bulldozing along.  So here is to facing my fears, once again climbing up, and be the person G-d wants me to be.

Shalom