It has been 10 days since I was taken away in an ambulance to the Emergency Room. The last time that happened for my asthma was 6 years ago. In that 6 years, I have worked my ass off on trying to find my path towards health. Looking to surround myself with positive energy, working a job that wasn't too stressful so I could focus on taking care of myself. I still wrestled with my ups and downs, positive and negative, my good and bad, but improvements were made. I was moving forward.
On Friday, March 8th, I felt all that progress was lost. I was already compromised and on Prednisone. All it took was running (walking quickly) to a medical emergency and I became the medical emergency. I am so blessed to work with the people I do! They were amazing. Because of their quick response, I was not admitted and actually allowed to go home to the care of my loving wife.
As I was working to breath, oxygen mask on, being hauled out on a stretcher, I reflected on how I had allowed myself to get back to that point. How I have allowed myself to no longer be the most important thing. How I have allowed my health to decline again. Am I truly back to the place I was? I feel that way. Reality is, no.
This was a bad attack; one of the worst I've ever had. My health is not as bad as it was 6 years ago. My weight is still not as heavy, I am still aware of creating space (though this will always be a challenge), and my diet is better. My understanding of myself as well as an understanding of my reactions to my environment are much better and more holistic. But, there has been loss of progress.
Having been off the Lamictil has been a huge help. My body has changed shape again. My energy level is better. I am more engaged in my life. There is still very much an issue of my job though. I took a risk on this job, knowing there was a possibility that it would throw me back, and I feel that my job has contributed greatly to this. It is a stressful job that puts me in a very uncomfortable place at times.
For those of you whom I work with, I am not going anywhere :) I need to find a way to temper the job stress, just like thousands of other people. I like what I do and I love who I work with. There are changes that are coming into the clinic that I think will help. Even with the changes though, I need to be responsible and find a way to take care of me.
I am all about being responsible and taking responsibility, yet, when it comes to taking care of me...all of that flies away. It is about accountability and responsibility. If this was one of the twins, I would make sure that they were where they needed to go, on time, but since it is me, I shrug things off.
The last blog, I was asking how can I change. My answer, paper and pencil. There is something grounding about writing with a pencil. I am writing down how I feel after eating things at work, or when I've done an activity. I need to write a new schedule for my weekends. I can contemplate all I want, but to make it happen, I have to write it down. Follow through means accountability, having it written down means I can't say I didn't know, or say it isn't that important.
I love my therapist, Anita. Anita says: he who sticks head in sand gets ass bit! Well, my ass was bitten! So writing down my new ideas will commence. Pencils are sharpened, paper is ready, and ideas are flowing. Now to find the energy to follow through. I know this is always a hard thing. I will find it...keep my eyes on the future...a future without ambulance rides to the hospital...a future of walking with my family without being short of breath...a future where I am healthy.
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