Well, I'm still here. Thanksgiving weekend was very nice. Great time w/ the family. I went for a walk on Saturday with the twins up to the Library. Spent 30 minutes on the elliptical on Sunday then spent an hour walking through Ikea. I was happy that I spent some time working out. My current weight is 253.8 lbs. This isn't as bad as it could be.
So I was writing that on Sunday, now it is Tuesday and I'm not really where the time went. I am still trying to walk, but my eating is not as good. I am binging and exhausted. I am imbibing a bit more than I usually do, but it does help take a bit of the edge off (read as have 2 fingers of Bailey's a couple of times a week).
Life is stressful right now. There is a lot of things happening at work that stress me out. I am doing well at home, enjoying my time w/ the family. It was difficult over the long weekend to take time and relax when I had a zillion projects to work on, but Kat snapped the whip and I didn't do much.
So here I am wondering if I really have much new to say. Wondering if any of this will work, but accepting that by the sheer act of going through the cycle, that I will continue to be healthier. So here is to working out, binging, and exhaustion, may I learn and follow my cycle back to the up swing. May the time between down swings be longer and the time between up swings be shorter. May I learn something new about myself with each pass through and may I, end the end, become the person that God wants me to be. Amen
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Floating down Denial river
I'm not sure if I'm floating or paddling as fast as I can down Denial river, but either way, it is happening. I have not been blogging because I didn't want to accept that I am struggling, that I am not following my plan, that I am failing. If I don't be honest to you, then I don't have to be honest to myself. This is how I get myself into trouble.
What do I mean by trouble? Eating a whole box of thin mints in 24 hours, binging on nachos/pub food/ homemade pizza, and eating more frequent meals that are larger than before. My exercise frequency has decreased as well. I could guarantee 4-5 days a week plus some on the weekend. Now it is 2 or 3 and not much on the weekend.
Basically, I have bursts of energy that last an hour or two, but nothing that lasts all day and the bursts don't happen on a daily basis. I don't want to accept that I am floundaring, that I really am not doing as well as I would like to tell myself and others that I am. That way I can hide what I am ashamed of, of not being successful, of failing myself and others, that I am not strong enough to keep up the fight. .
The vulnerability and perceived weakness keep me from the banks of Denial. Why would I want to climb onto the banks of the river knowing that I would have to face some of my worst fears, vulnerability, perceived weakness, the possibility that I will let someone down, be someone that is no longer respected. With these monsters on land, floating down Denial river seems so much better.
I am not feeling strong like bull or any other kind of strength. I know that healing takes a long time, but man, it feels as this will take so long, I'll be dead before real healing occurs. Now I do know that this isn't true, but it sure feels that way some times.
So to quote Pam Tillis: Just Call me Cleopatra because I'm the Queen of Denial!
What do I mean by trouble? Eating a whole box of thin mints in 24 hours, binging on nachos/pub food/ homemade pizza, and eating more frequent meals that are larger than before. My exercise frequency has decreased as well. I could guarantee 4-5 days a week plus some on the weekend. Now it is 2 or 3 and not much on the weekend.
Basically, I have bursts of energy that last an hour or two, but nothing that lasts all day and the bursts don't happen on a daily basis. I don't want to accept that I am floundaring, that I really am not doing as well as I would like to tell myself and others that I am. That way I can hide what I am ashamed of, of not being successful, of failing myself and others, that I am not strong enough to keep up the fight. .
The vulnerability and perceived weakness keep me from the banks of Denial. Why would I want to climb onto the banks of the river knowing that I would have to face some of my worst fears, vulnerability, perceived weakness, the possibility that I will let someone down, be someone that is no longer respected. With these monsters on land, floating down Denial river seems so much better.
I am not feeling strong like bull or any other kind of strength. I know that healing takes a long time, but man, it feels as this will take so long, I'll be dead before real healing occurs. Now I do know that this isn't true, but it sure feels that way some times.
So to quote Pam Tillis: Just Call me Cleopatra because I'm the Queen of Denial!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Starting over...Again :(
So here I go, again, to try to keep the momentum. The good news is that I didn't totally loose the momentum and that the time between is shorter. I can tell that I am beginning to feel better because I am having more energy. Not the great waves I was having before, but an improvement. I started taking a shower instead of a bath this morning. My mood is elevating, my libido is coming back, and I feel like I can start working on things I want to do.
I was able to go to the gym today and feel I did a good work out. I did have some asthma issues afterward, but I treated it and did fine. I have been having trouble with my asthma, but the good news is that it appears that this will be a short exacerbation. It felt good to be at the gym. I am finding that I am in a better mood, though I bet Kat would question that ;)
I am tired this evening, so I'm going to sign off. Here's to another up like day tomorrow :)
I was able to go to the gym today and feel I did a good work out. I did have some asthma issues afterward, but I treated it and did fine. I have been having trouble with my asthma, but the good news is that it appears that this will be a short exacerbation. It felt good to be at the gym. I am finding that I am in a better mood, though I bet Kat would question that ;)
I am tired this evening, so I'm going to sign off. Here's to another up like day tomorrow :)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Yesterday was Awesome!!
I felt sooooo much better yesterday!! I woke up by 8 on my own. The kids were at my parents' home, so I could do whatever I felt like doing; so I cleaned the kitchen, folded 5 loads of laundry, and baked pumpkin bread and pumpkin pie. After the kids got home, we went grocery shopping, then to bed w/ my sweetie and we talked until about midnight.
I felt like I did at the top of my wave. Today not as much. I am dragging some, feeling tired. I got the kitchen clean, but the rest of the day has been down time (except for the 1.5 hrs it took Kat and I to change the headlight in our van). Plan for tonight, football then bed time. I may try to get on the elliptical tonight during football, but I'm not sure I'll have the energy.
The good news is that I feel that there is hope that I will be able to get on top of things again. That I have a chance to really make this work and get back to a normal life (though I can't say I've ever had a lot of energy). I hope that I will be able to keep this up swing and continue to move forward.
“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”
I felt like I did at the top of my wave. Today not as much. I am dragging some, feeling tired. I got the kitchen clean, but the rest of the day has been down time (except for the 1.5 hrs it took Kat and I to change the headlight in our van). Plan for tonight, football then bed time. I may try to get on the elliptical tonight during football, but I'm not sure I'll have the energy.
The good news is that I feel that there is hope that I will be able to get on top of things again. That I have a chance to really make this work and get back to a normal life (though I can't say I've ever had a lot of energy). I hope that I will be able to keep this up swing and continue to move forward.
“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Down but not out, in fact better than in the past
So I have been fighting w/ my "down" swing for quite some time. It is hard for my family and for me. I get irritable, lethargic, unable to work out, and binge. Mostly I just want to sit around and do nothing. There are a few things I am noticing that are different this time around:
1. I am continuing to make it to the gym 3+ times per week. Yesterday I didn't want to go, I just wanted to sit on my duff. My office mate, Bonnie, said you don't have anything else to do, so go to the gym. Well I took her advice and I sat on my duff on the recumbent bike.
2. I am binging at times, but they are more controlled binges. I LOVE me some Dark Chocolate covered cherries. With Christmas approaching, they are in the stores; I couldn't resist, so I bought 3 boxes of 10 (they were on sale of course). Now usually I could devour the whole box in one sitting and probably start on a second box. I shared these boxes with Kat, so I only got half a box. I did eat my half of the box in one sitting, but since we had 3 boxes, I ate half of each box for 3 nights. Knowing that the other half of those boxes are Kat's, I'm not touching them. I have no desire to get into them.
3. When I hit this stage, I am usually not able to keep my social obligations. So far, I have been able to keep my schedule and attended the classes ect. that I am involved in.
4. I am finding bursts of energy that would never have been there before. For instance, I am not feeling well enough to shower in the morning, so I am bathing. Yet, some mornings I am able to at least unload the dishwasher. This is not a daily basis, but it is often enough that I can see it.
5. My diet has not totally reverted back to my old ways. I am continuing to eat my Greek yogurt for breakfast and taking fruit and cottage cheese/yogurt for snacks at work. When I do get munch and binge in the evening, I am not binging as much and I am using Veggie chips instead of crackers, chips, cookies, ect.
6. A negative is that this time around my craving for soda has increased exponentially. I'm not sure why. I have been sober from soda for 2 years, 7 months, and 2 days (not that I'm counting). I rarely crave soda anymore. It has been at least 6 months or more since my last soda dream, yet I find my body craving it. I think on some level, my increase in Snapple consumption may be related to this. I was proud of myself though. I had a Snapple this morning and then met my Mom for lunch. I had actually grabbed another Snapple, but then thought about it, listened to my body, put it back and got water.
There is a difference this time. I recognize that this is all a process and I have to be happy with the steps that get me closer to my goal. I have to remember that I am about 10 lbs lighter than when I started this year. My clothes continue to be loose and fit differently. I am still getting cardio in during a time when I would usually just stop all together.
Bonnie and I were discussing how frustrating it is to feel like you are doing everything right but no weight results are accomplished. She found the article below and I thought that it has some very interesting ideas.
You might feel silly, but it works. When Dr Alan R. Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago tried this with 3,000 volunteers, he found that the more frequently people sniffed, the less hungry they were and the more weight they lost - an average of 30 lb each. One theory is that sniffing the food tricks the brain into thinking you're actually eating it.
2. Hang a mirror opposite your seat at the table.
One study found that eating in front of mirrors slashed the amount people ate by nearly one-third. Seems having to look yourself in the eye reflects back some of your own inner standards and goals, and reminds you of why you're trying to lose weight in the first place.
3. Surround yourself with blue
There's a good reason you won't see many fast-food restaurants decorated in blue: Believe it or not, the color blue functions as an appetite suppressant. So serve up dinner on blue plates, dress in blue while you eat, and cover your table with a blue tablecloth. Conversely, avoid red, yellow, and orange in your dining areas. Studies find they encourage eating.
1. I am continuing to make it to the gym 3+ times per week. Yesterday I didn't want to go, I just wanted to sit on my duff. My office mate, Bonnie, said you don't have anything else to do, so go to the gym. Well I took her advice and I sat on my duff on the recumbent bike.
2. I am binging at times, but they are more controlled binges. I LOVE me some Dark Chocolate covered cherries. With Christmas approaching, they are in the stores; I couldn't resist, so I bought 3 boxes of 10 (they were on sale of course). Now usually I could devour the whole box in one sitting and probably start on a second box. I shared these boxes with Kat, so I only got half a box. I did eat my half of the box in one sitting, but since we had 3 boxes, I ate half of each box for 3 nights. Knowing that the other half of those boxes are Kat's, I'm not touching them. I have no desire to get into them.
3. When I hit this stage, I am usually not able to keep my social obligations. So far, I have been able to keep my schedule and attended the classes ect. that I am involved in.
4. I am finding bursts of energy that would never have been there before. For instance, I am not feeling well enough to shower in the morning, so I am bathing. Yet, some mornings I am able to at least unload the dishwasher. This is not a daily basis, but it is often enough that I can see it.
5. My diet has not totally reverted back to my old ways. I am continuing to eat my Greek yogurt for breakfast and taking fruit and cottage cheese/yogurt for snacks at work. When I do get munch and binge in the evening, I am not binging as much and I am using Veggie chips instead of crackers, chips, cookies, ect.
6. A negative is that this time around my craving for soda has increased exponentially. I'm not sure why. I have been sober from soda for 2 years, 7 months, and 2 days (not that I'm counting). I rarely crave soda anymore. It has been at least 6 months or more since my last soda dream, yet I find my body craving it. I think on some level, my increase in Snapple consumption may be related to this. I was proud of myself though. I had a Snapple this morning and then met my Mom for lunch. I had actually grabbed another Snapple, but then thought about it, listened to my body, put it back and got water.
There is a difference this time. I recognize that this is all a process and I have to be happy with the steps that get me closer to my goal. I have to remember that I am about 10 lbs lighter than when I started this year. My clothes continue to be loose and fit differently. I am still getting cardio in during a time when I would usually just stop all together.
Bonnie and I were discussing how frustrating it is to feel like you are doing everything right but no weight results are accomplished. She found the article below and I thought that it has some very interesting ideas.
5 Bizarre Weight Loss Tricks That Work
You might feel silly, but it works. When Dr Alan R. Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago tried this with 3,000 volunteers, he found that the more frequently people sniffed, the less hungry they were and the more weight they lost - an average of 30 lb each. One theory is that sniffing the food tricks the brain into thinking you're actually eating it.
2. Hang a mirror opposite your seat at the table.
One study found that eating in front of mirrors slashed the amount people ate by nearly one-third. Seems having to look yourself in the eye reflects back some of your own inner standards and goals, and reminds you of why you're trying to lose weight in the first place.
3. Surround yourself with blue
There's a good reason you won't see many fast-food restaurants decorated in blue: Believe it or not, the color blue functions as an appetite suppressant. So serve up dinner on blue plates, dress in blue while you eat, and cover your table with a blue tablecloth. Conversely, avoid red, yellow, and orange in your dining areas. Studies find they encourage eating.
1. Sniff a banana, apple, or peppermint
4. Shoot your food
Rather than writing down every morsel, take a picture of it, and file the photos on your phone or computer by date. A visual account of your consumption may help you curb your intake. "Snapping photos and then looking back at them can make people stop and think before indulging," nutritionist Joan Salge Blake says. It needn't be a big production: your cell phone will do. Think about it: there you are at the salad bar, making a plate of vegetables. Don't pat yourself on the back quite yet, though. A simple snapshot of your heaping dish may "show your extra helping of cheese or deep-fried croutons," Joan cautions. A visual reminder might be just enough to give you pause next time before you ladle on the blue cheese dressing. -- Joan is a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. Find other healthy eating tips in her book, Nutrition & You.
5. Tie yourself up
You could try fitness guru Valerie Orsoni's "Le Petit Secret": "A number of French women wear a ribbon around their waist and underneath their clothes when they go out for dinner. It keeps them conscious of the tummy-particularly if the ribbon starts to feel tighter as the evening goes on!"
-- Le Personal Coach: A French Trainer's Simple Secrets to Staying Fit and Slim Without the Gym. Source:
-- Five Minute Fixes and Best You
Rather than writing down every morsel, take a picture of it, and file the photos on your phone or computer by date. A visual account of your consumption may help you curb your intake. "Snapping photos and then looking back at them can make people stop and think before indulging," nutritionist Joan Salge Blake says. It needn't be a big production: your cell phone will do. Think about it: there you are at the salad bar, making a plate of vegetables. Don't pat yourself on the back quite yet, though. A simple snapshot of your heaping dish may "show your extra helping of cheese or deep-fried croutons," Joan cautions. A visual reminder might be just enough to give you pause next time before you ladle on the blue cheese dressing. -- Joan is a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. Find other healthy eating tips in her book, Nutrition & You.
5. Tie yourself up
You could try fitness guru Valerie Orsoni's "Le Petit Secret": "A number of French women wear a ribbon around their waist and underneath their clothes when they go out for dinner. It keeps them conscious of the tummy-particularly if the ribbon starts to feel tighter as the evening goes on!"
-- Le Personal Coach: A French Trainer's Simple Secrets to Staying Fit and Slim Without the Gym. Source:
-- Five Minute Fixes and Best You
Monday, November 7, 2011
Giving Up
I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away. What good is this?!? Nothing works! I work on my caloric intake, my exercise, my attitude and I am not seeing any response! I am fat and I hate it! I am now in a total binge spot. I am eating until I'm nauseated. I don't have the energy or the motivation to work out. I have a perfectly good elliptical at home, my excuse for not using it, it is holding our box of apples...yep, that is my barrier, a box of apples.
If a box of apples can stop me, then what's the point? I am so frustrated! I feel like shit, I'm tired, grumpy, and just can't seem to control my impulses. No matter what, I'm responsible for my actions, but my actions lately have only been regretful. I swore, I wouldn't be like my Dad, but here I am, just as unstable, just as volatile, and just as arrogant. My children don't know what to do with me. They see the similarities between my Dad and me, they talk w/ Kat about it. I don't want my children to be afraid of me like I was of my Father. I don't want them growing up feeling as though they can't talk with me about the problems they see because I "just wouldn't get it".
I don't feel I have the time to put anything more into me. As it is, I'm behind on many things that need to be done. I don't get nearly as much time with the girls and w/ Kat as I would like. I am so tired. I am tired of fighting, of putting everything I am out there to no avail of change. I'm tired of feeling as though everything is for naught. I have changed my eating habits, my exercise habits, the type of foods I eat, yet here I am, a little lighter, but still quite fat.
Now will I really give up, no, I'm not that kind of person. I am VERY discouraged and am not really paying attention to what I am doing food wise. I am craving chocolate like I can't ever remember craving it. Kat even says she's never seen me like this. I'm tired of trying to solve this puzzle that is my body. I'm tired of looking for cause and effect. I just want to live, not feel so tired and down all the time, and enjoy my time with my family.
I feel like everything is against me right now. I am feeling stuck professionally, we are fiscally stuck (read as not able to buy a house in the awesome market right now), I am stuck emotionally, I feel stagnated and it really sucks!
So here is to grasping onto my spirituality with both hands and not letting go. Here is knowing that life will change whether I want it to or not. Here is to pushing forward with tears in my eyes and pain in my soul.
Some people will look at this blog and go, you have a job, you are young, you have a great family so what's wrong with you, it could be a whole lot worse. I agree and I am grateful for my job, my family, and that we are able to move through with bumps, but no real major pot holes. I still have an attitude of gratitude, but this blog is about how I feel, how my whole being affects my weight. To not give voice to these feelings and be honest about what is happening would defeat that purpose.
Tomorrow is another day. I remember a Sanskrit saying that has always resonated with me:
Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life. In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence, the joy of growth, the splendor of action, the glory of power. For yesterday is but a memory and tomorrow is only a vision. But today well-lived makes yesterday a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day!
If a box of apples can stop me, then what's the point? I am so frustrated! I feel like shit, I'm tired, grumpy, and just can't seem to control my impulses. No matter what, I'm responsible for my actions, but my actions lately have only been regretful. I swore, I wouldn't be like my Dad, but here I am, just as unstable, just as volatile, and just as arrogant. My children don't know what to do with me. They see the similarities between my Dad and me, they talk w/ Kat about it. I don't want my children to be afraid of me like I was of my Father. I don't want them growing up feeling as though they can't talk with me about the problems they see because I "just wouldn't get it".
I don't feel I have the time to put anything more into me. As it is, I'm behind on many things that need to be done. I don't get nearly as much time with the girls and w/ Kat as I would like. I am so tired. I am tired of fighting, of putting everything I am out there to no avail of change. I'm tired of feeling as though everything is for naught. I have changed my eating habits, my exercise habits, the type of foods I eat, yet here I am, a little lighter, but still quite fat.
Now will I really give up, no, I'm not that kind of person. I am VERY discouraged and am not really paying attention to what I am doing food wise. I am craving chocolate like I can't ever remember craving it. Kat even says she's never seen me like this. I'm tired of trying to solve this puzzle that is my body. I'm tired of looking for cause and effect. I just want to live, not feel so tired and down all the time, and enjoy my time with my family.
I feel like everything is against me right now. I am feeling stuck professionally, we are fiscally stuck (read as not able to buy a house in the awesome market right now), I am stuck emotionally, I feel stagnated and it really sucks!
So here is to grasping onto my spirituality with both hands and not letting go. Here is knowing that life will change whether I want it to or not. Here is to pushing forward with tears in my eyes and pain in my soul.
Some people will look at this blog and go, you have a job, you are young, you have a great family so what's wrong with you, it could be a whole lot worse. I agree and I am grateful for my job, my family, and that we are able to move through with bumps, but no real major pot holes. I still have an attitude of gratitude, but this blog is about how I feel, how my whole being affects my weight. To not give voice to these feelings and be honest about what is happening would defeat that purpose.
Tomorrow is another day. I remember a Sanskrit saying that has always resonated with me:
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
The Halloween Curse....CANDY!!
My original plan was to address holiday eating; for me Halloween is the worst because the candy sits out and I can graze every time I pass by. We waited to buy our Halloween candy until the night of October 29th and I still found a way to graze when the bowl was out. We put the bowl away when Kat's parents came by and guess what, I forgot about it and didn't graze.
As I said, that was my intended subject, but while at work today, I began to reflect on why our society, and health care in particular, has such a high rate of sick calls and chronic illnesses. I look at myself and my colleges and wonder, how do we learn how to take better care of ourselves. I think about the fact that in our country, we work and work without taking time out for relaxation. It is hard to take a vacation when most of it is eaten up by FMLA. So how do people who are already spent and have a negative deficit in their energy and ability to give get ahead?
I got to thinking about other countries and how they have a cultural value of providing time off for their employees. Now, nursing is the same everywhere, 24 hour care 365 days a year. A cursory search did not reveal much data in regards to chronic illness and the health care provider. There are some studies that look at women and chronic illness which is quite interesting. I am going to spend more time in the future sleuthing this out, but at this time, it appears that the correlations between illness and health in women and health care workers is an under served area.
My hypothesis (for those who are research inclined) is that traits and values that lead people to a career in the health care field are the same traits and values that prevent us from taking care of ourselves and giving everything we have and then some in our relationships whether personal or professional; that we put ourselves into a deficit that is almost impossible to get out of physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to be clear that I am using a generalization of "we" and acknowledge that there are health care workers who do not have this issue or have already learned how to prevent this issue. I also want to acknowledge that these concerns are not just limited to health care or women. I was in an in service a couple of weeks ago where we were taught that teachers and those in the military have higher rates of chronic illness and incidents of bullying just like health care providers. So again, this points to a cultural issue with in our country.
I am curious, what do people feel is the one thing that would make a difference for you. Is there something that your employer could have available to you to help rejuvenate you rather than run you into the ground and continue to ask more.
To my health care friends, what is that one thing that would rejuvenate you when working on the units. What would make the difference between walking away at the end of your shift spent with nothing more to give and walking away with enough to care for yourself.
I am realizing that this is becoming a consistent stream of thought for me. How can we provide rejuvenation, not just rest, but how can employers put back into your bank so your health is not effected and in the long run, the employer would save money.
As I said, that was my intended subject, but while at work today, I began to reflect on why our society, and health care in particular, has such a high rate of sick calls and chronic illnesses. I look at myself and my colleges and wonder, how do we learn how to take better care of ourselves. I think about the fact that in our country, we work and work without taking time out for relaxation. It is hard to take a vacation when most of it is eaten up by FMLA. So how do people who are already spent and have a negative deficit in their energy and ability to give get ahead?
I got to thinking about other countries and how they have a cultural value of providing time off for their employees. Now, nursing is the same everywhere, 24 hour care 365 days a year. A cursory search did not reveal much data in regards to chronic illness and the health care provider. There are some studies that look at women and chronic illness which is quite interesting. I am going to spend more time in the future sleuthing this out, but at this time, it appears that the correlations between illness and health in women and health care workers is an under served area.
My hypothesis (for those who are research inclined) is that traits and values that lead people to a career in the health care field are the same traits and values that prevent us from taking care of ourselves and giving everything we have and then some in our relationships whether personal or professional; that we put ourselves into a deficit that is almost impossible to get out of physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to be clear that I am using a generalization of "we" and acknowledge that there are health care workers who do not have this issue or have already learned how to prevent this issue. I also want to acknowledge that these concerns are not just limited to health care or women. I was in an in service a couple of weeks ago where we were taught that teachers and those in the military have higher rates of chronic illness and incidents of bullying just like health care providers. So again, this points to a cultural issue with in our country.
I am curious, what do people feel is the one thing that would make a difference for you. Is there something that your employer could have available to you to help rejuvenate you rather than run you into the ground and continue to ask more.
To my health care friends, what is that one thing that would rejuvenate you when working on the units. What would make the difference between walking away at the end of your shift spent with nothing more to give and walking away with enough to care for yourself.
I am realizing that this is becoming a consistent stream of thought for me. How can we provide rejuvenation, not just rest, but how can employers put back into your bank so your health is not effected and in the long run, the employer would save money.
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