Floating down Denial river

I'm not sure if I'm floating or paddling as fast as I can down Denial river, but either way, it is happening.  I have not been blogging because I didn't want to accept that I am struggling, that I am not following my plan, that I am failing.  If I don't be honest to you, then I don't have to be honest to myself.  This is how I get myself into trouble. 

What do I mean by trouble?  Eating a whole box of thin mints in 24 hours, binging on nachos/pub food/ homemade pizza, and eating more frequent meals that are larger than before.  My exercise frequency has decreased as well.  I could guarantee 4-5 days a week plus some on the weekend.  Now it is 2 or 3 and not much on the weekend. 

Basically, I have bursts of energy that last an hour or two, but nothing that lasts all day and the bursts don't happen on a daily basis.  I don't want to accept that I am floundaring, that I really am not doing as well as I would like to tell myself and others that I am.  That way I can hide what I am ashamed of, of not being successful, of failing myself and others, that I am not strong enough to keep up the fight.  .

The vulnerability and perceived weakness keep me from the banks of Denial.  Why would I want to climb onto the banks of the river knowing that I would have to face some of my worst fears, vulnerability, perceived weakness, the possibility that I will let someone down, be someone that is no longer respected.  With these monsters on land, floating down Denial river seems so much better.

I am not feeling strong like bull or any other kind of strength.  I know that healing takes a long time, but man, it feels as this will take so long, I'll be dead before real healing occurs.  Now I do know that this isn't true, but it sure feels that way some times.

So to quote Pam Tillis: Just Call me Cleopatra because I'm the Queen of Denial!