Giving Up

I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away.  What good is this?!?  Nothing works!  I work on my caloric intake, my exercise, my attitude and I am not seeing any response!  I am fat and I hate it!  I am now in a total binge spot.  I am eating until I'm nauseated.  I don't have the energy or the motivation to work out.  I have a perfectly good elliptical at home, my excuse for not using it, it is holding our box of apples...yep, that is my barrier, a box of apples. 

If a box of apples can stop me, then what's the point?  I am so frustrated!  I feel like shit, I'm tired, grumpy, and just can't seem to control my impulses.  No matter what, I'm responsible for my actions, but my actions lately have only been regretful.  I swore, I wouldn't be like my Dad, but here I am, just as unstable, just as volatile, and just as arrogant.  My children don't know what to do with me.  They see the similarities between my Dad and me, they talk w/ Kat about it.  I don't want my children to be afraid of me like I was of my Father.  I don't want them growing up feeling as though they can't talk with me about the problems they see because I "just wouldn't get it". 

I don't feel I have the time to put anything more into me.  As it is, I'm behind on many things that need to be done.  I don't get nearly as much time with the girls and w/ Kat as I would like.  I am so tired.  I am tired of fighting, of putting everything I am out there to no avail of change.  I'm tired of feeling as though everything is for naught.  I have changed my eating habits, my exercise habits, the type of foods I eat, yet here I am, a little lighter, but still quite fat. 

Now will I really give up, no, I'm not that kind of person.  I am VERY discouraged and am not really paying attention to what I am doing food wise.  I am craving chocolate like I can't ever remember craving it.  Kat even says she's never seen me like this.  I'm tired of trying to solve this puzzle that is my body.  I'm tired of looking for cause and effect.  I just want to live, not feel so tired and down all the time, and enjoy my time with my family. 

I feel like everything is against me right now.  I am feeling stuck professionally, we are fiscally stuck (read as not able to buy a house in the awesome market right now), I am stuck emotionally, I feel stagnated and it really sucks!

So here is to grasping onto my spirituality with both hands and not letting go. Here is knowing that life will change whether I want it to or not.  Here is to pushing forward with tears in my eyes and pain in my soul. 

Some people will look at this blog and go, you have a job, you are young, you have a great family so what's wrong with you, it could be a whole lot worse.  I agree and I am grateful for my job, my family, and that we are able to move through with bumps, but no real major pot holes.  I still have an attitude of gratitude, but this blog is about how I feel, how my whole being affects my weight.  To not give voice to these feelings and be honest about what is happening would defeat that purpose. 

Tomorrow is another day.  I remember a Sanskrit saying that has always resonated with me:


Look to this day, for it is life,the very life of life.In its brief course lieall the realitiesand truths of existence,the joy of growth, the splendor of action,the glory of power.For yesterday is but a memoryand tomorrow is only a vision.But today well-livedmakes yesterdaya memory of happinessand every tomorrowa vision of hope.Look well, therefore, to this day!