Here it is, where I pay mysf to snack
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Friday, March 30, 2012
Fitness Fund
Well, I did it...I put together evening snack bags, complete with contents and total calories and now have a jar that says Fitness Fund; I have to pay 25 cents each time I grab a snack bag. So far it seems to be working. I don't have a whole bag of cookies, I have the option of one or two and it seems to settle my craving. This way I don't say, well I have the whole bag so I just eat. Also, but paying, I am less likely to go back to get more w/o thinking about what I am doing. The calories on the bags help me see what fits into my remaining calories for the day. I also have the option of adding a tablespoon of ice cream. The other day I had one cookie and 1/4 cup of cottage cheese. It worked great.
For me, knowing how many calories I had left for the day, none, and being faced with the number of calories on the bags plus having to pay, I decided to not get into the snack bags. It worked just like it was supposed to. I was very proud of myself and how I am sticking to the agreement I've made w/ myself. So far I have 50 cents. I'm not sure what I'm going to do w/ the money when the jar fills up, but I think I will make a donation to a charity that works on fighting obesity.
I look not only at myself, but at the community around me, we are fat! A large (no pun intended) portion of the patients that I have case managed over the years are obese; not just a little obese either. Walking through the my place of employment, there is a high percentage of people are obese. I am not sure of the numbers, but it is well known that obesity causes or contributes to many of our chronic conditions such as Diabetes and Congestive Heart Failure as well as puts more stress on the body's skeletal and muscular structures. Our livers, heart, lungs, and stomach are all effected by the amount of adipose tissue (fat) that is being carried around in our abdomen.
While there are numerous issues that obesity causes physically, the emotional scars that those of us that are obese carry with us can be more harmful. There are very few of us that want to be fat...and those that do are on the fringe of the bell curve. I also want to make a definition here, morbidly obese is a BMI > 40. I am not talking about curvy women who have the appropriate amount of body fat, those women are beautiful just they way they are. The obesity I am focusing on are the morbidly obese. I am part of the morbidly obese category; my BMI is 43. I am way beyond curvy.
The emotional scars that a) influence how we take care of our selves (or don't) b) reinforce our negative self image and c) take away our feelings of hope, are harder to fight. We all know, diet and exercise lead to a healthy life, but emotionally, how do we deal w/ the pain? How do we fix all the negative that is thrown at us on a daily basis? Being fat just increases the negative messages we get and that continues the vicious cycle of getting fatter and fatter.
Changes in our food source have also added to the amount of obesity being seen in my community. High fructose corn syrup and changes in how we grown and harvest wheat have added to the obesity epidemic. Add to that, our portion sizes have increased, our amount and type of exercise has decreased, TV/Movies/Video Games/Computers slow down our metabolism and increase mindless eating.
There has also been an increase in stress, causing our adrenal glands to be in high gear on a continuous basis rather than reacting to an immediate threat, then rest until the next threat comes roaming by. Our threats have gone from animals and natural disasters to an intellectual stress that doesn't stop, even when we sleep. Constant stress increases our fatigue, our feelings of being worn down, and our risk for stress related diseases like angina. Learning to enjoy our life, relax, and laugh counter acts the negativity of stress.
There isn't a one size fits all to weight loss. Our body image and weight are tied into so much more than just diet and exercise. Our community, food sources, past/present/future, emotion, and ability physically all play a role. Part of our job is to learn to love ourselves regardless of society, physical looks, and the negativity that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. We are all children of the universe and most of us yearn for love and acceptance. Love and acceptance starts with you.
For me, knowing how many calories I had left for the day, none, and being faced with the number of calories on the bags plus having to pay, I decided to not get into the snack bags. It worked just like it was supposed to. I was very proud of myself and how I am sticking to the agreement I've made w/ myself. So far I have 50 cents. I'm not sure what I'm going to do w/ the money when the jar fills up, but I think I will make a donation to a charity that works on fighting obesity.
I look not only at myself, but at the community around me, we are fat! A large (no pun intended) portion of the patients that I have case managed over the years are obese; not just a little obese either. Walking through the my place of employment, there is a high percentage of people are obese. I am not sure of the numbers, but it is well known that obesity causes or contributes to many of our chronic conditions such as Diabetes and Congestive Heart Failure as well as puts more stress on the body's skeletal and muscular structures. Our livers, heart, lungs, and stomach are all effected by the amount of adipose tissue (fat) that is being carried around in our abdomen.
While there are numerous issues that obesity causes physically, the emotional scars that those of us that are obese carry with us can be more harmful. There are very few of us that want to be fat...and those that do are on the fringe of the bell curve. I also want to make a definition here, morbidly obese is a BMI > 40. I am not talking about curvy women who have the appropriate amount of body fat, those women are beautiful just they way they are. The obesity I am focusing on are the morbidly obese. I am part of the morbidly obese category; my BMI is 43. I am way beyond curvy.
The emotional scars that a) influence how we take care of our selves (or don't) b) reinforce our negative self image and c) take away our feelings of hope, are harder to fight. We all know, diet and exercise lead to a healthy life, but emotionally, how do we deal w/ the pain? How do we fix all the negative that is thrown at us on a daily basis? Being fat just increases the negative messages we get and that continues the vicious cycle of getting fatter and fatter.
Changes in our food source have also added to the amount of obesity being seen in my community. High fructose corn syrup and changes in how we grown and harvest wheat have added to the obesity epidemic. Add to that, our portion sizes have increased, our amount and type of exercise has decreased, TV/Movies/Video Games/Computers slow down our metabolism and increase mindless eating.
There has also been an increase in stress, causing our adrenal glands to be in high gear on a continuous basis rather than reacting to an immediate threat, then rest until the next threat comes roaming by. Our threats have gone from animals and natural disasters to an intellectual stress that doesn't stop, even when we sleep. Constant stress increases our fatigue, our feelings of being worn down, and our risk for stress related diseases like angina. Learning to enjoy our life, relax, and laugh counter acts the negativity of stress.
There isn't a one size fits all to weight loss. Our body image and weight are tied into so much more than just diet and exercise. Our community, food sources, past/present/future, emotion, and ability physically all play a role. Part of our job is to learn to love ourselves regardless of society, physical looks, and the negativity that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. We are all children of the universe and most of us yearn for love and acceptance. Love and acceptance starts with you.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Resting Day
It is a gray, windy, rainy day here in the Pacific NW. While the sun was out briefly this morning, long enough to wear my sunglasses while driving to work, it didn't last very long and now the winter weather of cold, rain, and wind have descended upon us yet again. Good news, there is not any snow in the forecast that I am aware of :)
Days like to day are days to hunker down and just watch the storms blow through. I was planning on catching up on episodes I had missed of Grimm at lunch and found out I was caught up. I thought to myself, what now. Then mitzvah goerot mitzvah popped back into my head. Given that, I got up and figured I'd just walk around the clinic. Turns out there was a lull in the rain, so I was able to get about 20 minutes of walking in which included up and down several floors of stairs :)
It felt good to choose to walk rather than sit. I didn't walk as far or as long as I usually do, but I'm good with that. Making the better choice to move rather than sit is so important and next time, I will be more likely to move.
Days like to day are days to hunker down and just watch the storms blow through. I was planning on catching up on episodes I had missed of Grimm at lunch and found out I was caught up. I thought to myself, what now. Then mitzvah goerot mitzvah popped back into my head. Given that, I got up and figured I'd just walk around the clinic. Turns out there was a lull in the rain, so I was able to get about 20 minutes of walking in which included up and down several floors of stairs :)
It felt good to choose to walk rather than sit. I didn't walk as far or as long as I usually do, but I'm good with that. Making the better choice to move rather than sit is so important and next time, I will be more likely to move.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
More of Yesterday
For whatever reason, I am having an increase in interaction with other people. I have to admit, I like it. I've been so isolated (both by choice and by circumstances) that I am feeling like I am coming out of my shell again. There are days that being in my own little hole and hiding from the world is the only thing I can think about. Then I get these periods where I can't imagine not interacting with the world around me. Currently I am at the beginning of wanting to interact w/ the world.
I have to be careful though, as I want to interact w/ the world, I tend to over extend myself. I am trying to stay focused on exercising and diet. I think also, my new job will keep me busy enough to not want to feel like I want to pile more onto my plate.
I am very excited about my new job. I am also sad to leave the team I have been working with for 3.5 years. My current team has supported me through some really rough times in my life, and I can't express my appreciation enough. I have been able to heal and ground in my present job. It has provided me with the ability to find my footing again and create a stable (as stable as I can be lol) space for my family. Apparently the Universe or Higher Power feels that it is time for me to rejoin my path, rest time is over.
I do want to point out, just because my current job has allowed me to heal and get back up from the pit I had put myself in, doesn't mean the job was in anyway easy. My job within my current department has changed every 3-6 months as new programs have been rolled out and our roles have been in constant flux. The job is totally telephonic, so without seeing patients, I have to triage, educate, encourage, support, and sleuth out the best way to guide the person in their trek towards optimizing their health.
Our current manager is amazing!! She has brought more stability to the work we are doing and is willing to push us but also is willing to say, this isn't working, lets' change direction. I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to work w/ Nancy for the last year +. I feel a lot of the healing that has taken place on our team has been because of Nancy's facilitation of allowing us to work through our previous experiences.
I am feeling in a good spot! The family has settled in. Our wedding is coming up at the end of August, so we are in the midst of wedding preparations. Our wedding is going to be very simple and the intent is to enjoy our day and celebrate. For us, it is all about the love we have for each other. So the whirlwind is filled with love, peace, and joy. There is little to no stress, just like us!
I am looking forward to what this next year brings; if all goes right, I will be dashing in my tux :)
I have to be careful though, as I want to interact w/ the world, I tend to over extend myself. I am trying to stay focused on exercising and diet. I think also, my new job will keep me busy enough to not want to feel like I want to pile more onto my plate.
I am very excited about my new job. I am also sad to leave the team I have been working with for 3.5 years. My current team has supported me through some really rough times in my life, and I can't express my appreciation enough. I have been able to heal and ground in my present job. It has provided me with the ability to find my footing again and create a stable (as stable as I can be lol) space for my family. Apparently the Universe or Higher Power feels that it is time for me to rejoin my path, rest time is over.
I do want to point out, just because my current job has allowed me to heal and get back up from the pit I had put myself in, doesn't mean the job was in anyway easy. My job within my current department has changed every 3-6 months as new programs have been rolled out and our roles have been in constant flux. The job is totally telephonic, so without seeing patients, I have to triage, educate, encourage, support, and sleuth out the best way to guide the person in their trek towards optimizing their health.
Our current manager is amazing!! She has brought more stability to the work we are doing and is willing to push us but also is willing to say, this isn't working, lets' change direction. I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to work w/ Nancy for the last year +. I feel a lot of the healing that has taken place on our team has been because of Nancy's facilitation of allowing us to work through our previous experiences.
I am feeling in a good spot! The family has settled in. Our wedding is coming up at the end of August, so we are in the midst of wedding preparations. Our wedding is going to be very simple and the intent is to enjoy our day and celebrate. For us, it is all about the love we have for each other. So the whirlwind is filled with love, peace, and joy. There is little to no stress, just like us!
I am looking forward to what this next year brings; if all goes right, I will be dashing in my tux :)
Monday, March 26, 2012
Wonderful Day
Once again it is a beautiful day here in the Pacific Northwest. It is a ritual here in Western Oregon and Washington (anything west of the Cascade Mountain Range) that when the sun comes out, everyone rushes outside; this is regardless of the air temperature. It can be 28 degrees outside, but if the sun is out, you will see us out in it.
Today is a sunny day with temperatures in the 40's. I thought that I had a doctors appointment this morning about 1100, turns out I was wrong, it is on Wednesday. So, I thought, awesome...I get to go for my walk! I put my sunglasses on, took a deep breath, and started out on what was to be a feel good walk.
I got my speed up, was falling into my stride and a woman w/ a yellow Lab comes up. I stop to pet the dog and realize that the lady is my Pediatric Nursing instructor from the University of Portland; of course I graduated 20 years ago. I introduced myself and we had a wonderful conversation catching up on where our careers have taken us. It was wonderful to see her and felt good to see a familiar face. I also realized that when I was in school, she must have been about my age. Amazing how perspectives change with age.
I got going again and ran into a dog that startled me. I am a huge dog lover and rarely get startled, but I was lost in thought and when the dog barked I jumped. The gentleman walking the dog apologized. I went to make up w/ the dog who was quite friendly, and the gentleman recognized that I was a Kaiser employee. We spoke for about 10 minutes and he raved about the care he receives at Kaiser and how it is the best insurance ever. It was a very pleasant conversation.
These two interactions just filled up my heart so that I am just as happy as can be. I have so many blessings in my life. My incredible partner, my wonderful children, friends and family that enrich my life every day. I have a job (though I just took a new job and am very excited about it). Most of all, I have the ability to love. I have the capability within myself to love me and those who are around me. I have the capacity to love my enemies as well as my friends; whether I use that capacity is a different story...I can think of a few people that I don't utilize it very well with.
I can't say enough how small interactions can effect me. I remember once when I was a teen a complete stranger changed my whole day with a smile. I was walking home from school in my usual teenage funk. This lady was jogging, had no idea who she was, but she smiled at me as she went by. That one smile changed my mood for the rest of the day. I was acknowledged as a human being and it helped fill my heart and soul. It made such an impression that here I am 26 years later and I still remember the encounter.
The smallest form of acknowledgement can make a huge difference for some people. Ever since that day, I try to smile at everyone I pass. I know that it isn't 100 %, but it is something I strive for. Passing on that humanity and love is what I feel life is about. We are here to treat each other with respect, to learn from each others' experiences, and to challenge our hearts to learn to love beyond our comfort zone. As I've said before, my whole life seems to have been pushing the envelope of others' comfort zones; so it seems reasonable that I have to reach beyond my comfort zone to reach others.
I am enjoying being in this moment, because it is these moments that keep me going; I know that things change and that the happy, joyous, and soul full moments are just around the corner. I believe in myself and feel myself growing stronger and stronger. I am strong, I am invincible, I am ME!
Today is a sunny day with temperatures in the 40's. I thought that I had a doctors appointment this morning about 1100, turns out I was wrong, it is on Wednesday. So, I thought, awesome...I get to go for my walk! I put my sunglasses on, took a deep breath, and started out on what was to be a feel good walk.
I got my speed up, was falling into my stride and a woman w/ a yellow Lab comes up. I stop to pet the dog and realize that the lady is my Pediatric Nursing instructor from the University of Portland; of course I graduated 20 years ago. I introduced myself and we had a wonderful conversation catching up on where our careers have taken us. It was wonderful to see her and felt good to see a familiar face. I also realized that when I was in school, she must have been about my age. Amazing how perspectives change with age.
I got going again and ran into a dog that startled me. I am a huge dog lover and rarely get startled, but I was lost in thought and when the dog barked I jumped. The gentleman walking the dog apologized. I went to make up w/ the dog who was quite friendly, and the gentleman recognized that I was a Kaiser employee. We spoke for about 10 minutes and he raved about the care he receives at Kaiser and how it is the best insurance ever. It was a very pleasant conversation.
These two interactions just filled up my heart so that I am just as happy as can be. I have so many blessings in my life. My incredible partner, my wonderful children, friends and family that enrich my life every day. I have a job (though I just took a new job and am very excited about it). Most of all, I have the ability to love. I have the capability within myself to love me and those who are around me. I have the capacity to love my enemies as well as my friends; whether I use that capacity is a different story...I can think of a few people that I don't utilize it very well with.
I can't say enough how small interactions can effect me. I remember once when I was a teen a complete stranger changed my whole day with a smile. I was walking home from school in my usual teenage funk. This lady was jogging, had no idea who she was, but she smiled at me as she went by. That one smile changed my mood for the rest of the day. I was acknowledged as a human being and it helped fill my heart and soul. It made such an impression that here I am 26 years later and I still remember the encounter.
The smallest form of acknowledgement can make a huge difference for some people. Ever since that day, I try to smile at everyone I pass. I know that it isn't 100 %, but it is something I strive for. Passing on that humanity and love is what I feel life is about. We are here to treat each other with respect, to learn from each others' experiences, and to challenge our hearts to learn to love beyond our comfort zone. As I've said before, my whole life seems to have been pushing the envelope of others' comfort zones; so it seems reasonable that I have to reach beyond my comfort zone to reach others.
I am enjoying being in this moment, because it is these moments that keep me going; I know that things change and that the happy, joyous, and soul full moments are just around the corner. I believe in myself and feel myself growing stronger and stronger. I am strong, I am invincible, I am ME!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Choices
Strange morning today. Woke up to about 2 inches of snow...in Portland, Oregon that is a lot of snow. The second day of spring and we get snow...how rude! Kids school was delayed by 2 hrs, but I had to get to work on time. I wanted to get an early start, so I left about 45 minutes early. I stopped at Albertson's to pick up my Diet Snapple tea and wanted to grab a quick bite for breakfast. Of course I went to the bakery, but they only had donuts in the pick one area. I started looking at the packaged stuff. There were some cream cheese danishes with lemon that were calling to me. As I picked it up, I heard in my head, mitzvah goerot mitzvah and said to myself, good choices lead to other good choices. I did choose croissants instead...not sure it was better since I ate all of them. What I took away was, it would have been a better choice to get one donut instead of buying the package of croissants.
What I was happy about is that I put down the package of danishes and that my mind immediately went to making good choices leads to more good choices. I am counting that a success. I hope that it will contiue to guide me. Tying concepts that I have already internalized with new behaviors I am trying to develop works wonders for me. The more I can focus holistically, bringing my spirituality into my physical and emotional day, the happier I feel, the more energetic I get, and I feel what I would consider to be "normal".
As I look at my choices, I must take more control and find ways to work on my snacking. Still working on a plan, but setting up a snack bag for home is a thought that I am going with. Also, put a jar out so I have to pay to take my snack bag. These are just a few ideas I'm batting around...we'll see what comes to fruition.
What I was happy about is that I put down the package of danishes and that my mind immediately went to making good choices leads to more good choices. I am counting that a success. I hope that it will contiue to guide me. Tying concepts that I have already internalized with new behaviors I am trying to develop works wonders for me. The more I can focus holistically, bringing my spirituality into my physical and emotional day, the happier I feel, the more energetic I get, and I feel what I would consider to be "normal".
As I look at my choices, I must take more control and find ways to work on my snacking. Still working on a plan, but setting up a snack bag for home is a thought that I am going with. Also, put a jar out so I have to pay to take my snack bag. These are just a few ideas I'm batting around...we'll see what comes to fruition.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Bad Day
Yesterday was a rough one. I couldn't fight the call of the vending machine. I made a deal w/ Kat, if I stop going to the vending machine, she would stop baking cookies and other goodies. I haven't been to the vending machine in over a year. Yesterday, I went twice!
So I started thinking, as a Jew, we observe and obey Mitzvot. Mitzvot are interpreted by many as good deeds. Another way to interpret Mitzvot is as a commandment. We are commanded to observe and obey the Mitzvot. There are 613 Mitzvot and it is not expected that a person will observe all 613; there are some Mitzvot that we, in our modern world, are unable to meet. Living a life that embraces the Mitzvot is one that many of us strive for.
So what does this have to do with my food disaster yesterday? Well, we say that doing a Mitzvah leads to doing another Mitzvah. Likewise, doing sin leads to doing more sin. Applying the same concept to food, making bad food choices will lead to more bad food choices and good food choices will lead to more good food choices.
That became evident for me in reading a response from a post by a friend on mine on my last blog. She stated that she manages and limits her junk food on road trips and has found that when she strays from this, her body feels bad and she doesn't want her body to feel bad so she makes good choices.
Wow! That is truth! For me, it has taken a long time to put these two concepts together. Will this help me make better decisions...I don't know; the lure of sweets and cruchy stuff is hard to battle w/ fruit and veggies. There are some days I can fight it, but there are many days I can't fight it. I don't know the answer, but I think I need to look at allowing my good choices to out number my bad choices and I make bad choices every day. Evenings are my worst time. I'm tired, munch, and don't really want to have to worry about anything. I just want to chill. I need to find a way to allow myself to feel like I'm munching and allowing myself to relax. I'm not sure what it will look like, but I am looking into finding a way to pre-prepare evening snacks like I do for my lunches each day.
This is a lot of work, but it will be worth it if I can make a habit of it. I need to think outside the box to find a way to make this work, and I will figure it out.
So I started thinking, as a Jew, we observe and obey Mitzvot. Mitzvot are interpreted by many as good deeds. Another way to interpret Mitzvot is as a commandment. We are commanded to observe and obey the Mitzvot. There are 613 Mitzvot and it is not expected that a person will observe all 613; there are some Mitzvot that we, in our modern world, are unable to meet. Living a life that embraces the Mitzvot is one that many of us strive for.
So what does this have to do with my food disaster yesterday? Well, we say that doing a Mitzvah leads to doing another Mitzvah. Likewise, doing sin leads to doing more sin. Applying the same concept to food, making bad food choices will lead to more bad food choices and good food choices will lead to more good food choices.
That became evident for me in reading a response from a post by a friend on mine on my last blog. She stated that she manages and limits her junk food on road trips and has found that when she strays from this, her body feels bad and she doesn't want her body to feel bad so she makes good choices.
Wow! That is truth! For me, it has taken a long time to put these two concepts together. Will this help me make better decisions...I don't know; the lure of sweets and cruchy stuff is hard to battle w/ fruit and veggies. There are some days I can fight it, but there are many days I can't fight it. I don't know the answer, but I think I need to look at allowing my good choices to out number my bad choices and I make bad choices every day. Evenings are my worst time. I'm tired, munch, and don't really want to have to worry about anything. I just want to chill. I need to find a way to allow myself to feel like I'm munching and allowing myself to relax. I'm not sure what it will look like, but I am looking into finding a way to pre-prepare evening snacks like I do for my lunches each day.
This is a lot of work, but it will be worth it if I can make a habit of it. I need to think outside the box to find a way to make this work, and I will figure it out.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Vacations
I had the most wonderful weekend with Kat. For the first time in 2.5 years, we were able to go out of town, alone, for a weekend. We had an amazing time. We went to Tillamook and drove up and down the Oregon coast. Kat hadn't be south of Tillamook before so we went to Lincoln City and Depot Bay.
One of the things I noticed, I went and bough snacks for the road...chips and Nutter Butters. I also bought some Brie and Baguette for a snack. Since we were leaving at dinner time and needed to get on the road we ate....ready for it...McDonald's. The hotel we stayed in had a nice continental breakfast; had eggs, potatoes, and a small muffin. Then for lunch and dinner we ate out. Lunch was French Onion soup and half a French dip w/ Horseradish. Dinner was 3 of the most amazing Strawberry Blintzes.
I did forget to mention the chocolates that were waiting for us our first night at the hotel. Then we had Brie and Baguette the next night. Then there was the burger and fries at Camp 18. So, not the best eating wise. I was aware of what I was putting in my mouth, but found myself saying, I'm on vacation so I'm not going to worry about it.
What is it about vacations that allows us to eat this way. I've found road trip is equivalent with junk food. We load up on chips and candy and soda for the road. While on vacation, many people eat out, but do they pay attention to what they eat? I know I am wanting to relax and not pay attention at all. Of course, the 1.6 lbs I put on is the consequence of the eating blindly.
Do I want my girls to equate road trip with junk food? Many people will say, that's half the fun, getting to eat anything you want. Does it have to be? I know that I work so hard that when I am on vacation to relax, I don't want to have to be mindful of anything but enjoying my time. Keeping track of what I am eating and how it is effecting me isn't relaxing or enjoyable. How can I make road trip food fun and healthy?
I am hoping over the next 10 years to take many road trips w/ Kat and our family. I don't want junk food to be a integral part of it. Any ideas will be welcomed and put to use :)
I have returned relaxed and fresh. All 4 of us are tired from the changes in schedule over the weekend, but we all had fun. The twins stayed with a babysitter that did all sorts of fun things with them. It was a great weekend had by all.
I am looking forward to many more road trips and time with the ones that I love! It is the love for and from my family that is rejuvenating for me. The thought of spending time together exploring new places and new experiences is at the top of my bucket list. These times will not come again, so I am going to enjoy every minute if it (with and without the kids!)
One of the things I noticed, I went and bough snacks for the road...chips and Nutter Butters. I also bought some Brie and Baguette for a snack. Since we were leaving at dinner time and needed to get on the road we ate....ready for it...McDonald's. The hotel we stayed in had a nice continental breakfast; had eggs, potatoes, and a small muffin. Then for lunch and dinner we ate out. Lunch was French Onion soup and half a French dip w/ Horseradish. Dinner was 3 of the most amazing Strawberry Blintzes.
I did forget to mention the chocolates that were waiting for us our first night at the hotel. Then we had Brie and Baguette the next night. Then there was the burger and fries at Camp 18. So, not the best eating wise. I was aware of what I was putting in my mouth, but found myself saying, I'm on vacation so I'm not going to worry about it.
What is it about vacations that allows us to eat this way. I've found road trip is equivalent with junk food. We load up on chips and candy and soda for the road. While on vacation, many people eat out, but do they pay attention to what they eat? I know I am wanting to relax and not pay attention at all. Of course, the 1.6 lbs I put on is the consequence of the eating blindly.
Do I want my girls to equate road trip with junk food? Many people will say, that's half the fun, getting to eat anything you want. Does it have to be? I know that I work so hard that when I am on vacation to relax, I don't want to have to be mindful of anything but enjoying my time. Keeping track of what I am eating and how it is effecting me isn't relaxing or enjoyable. How can I make road trip food fun and healthy?
I am hoping over the next 10 years to take many road trips w/ Kat and our family. I don't want junk food to be a integral part of it. Any ideas will be welcomed and put to use :)
I have returned relaxed and fresh. All 4 of us are tired from the changes in schedule over the weekend, but we all had fun. The twins stayed with a babysitter that did all sorts of fun things with them. It was a great weekend had by all.
I am looking forward to many more road trips and time with the ones that I love! It is the love for and from my family that is rejuvenating for me. The thought of spending time together exploring new places and new experiences is at the top of my bucket list. These times will not come again, so I am going to enjoy every minute if it (with and without the kids!)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Really Missing my Walks
In an effort to take care of myself, I have made doctors appointments during my lunch hours. Due to these appointments, I'm not getting my walks in. I notice a huge shift in my moods when I do not get to walk or exercise. I also find that I decondition quite quickly; it becomes harder to get going again if I haven't been able to walk nearly everyday.
I feel that I am being torn between walking and appointments. Both are needed to take care of me. Is one more important than the other? I know that my appointments come in flurries or clumps, but is it enough for me to loose my motivation?
I started this blog yesterday, but became so busy, that I have to finish it today. Over the last 24 hours, I have been mulling it over and started asking myself, what do I tell one of my case management patients when they are in the same position?
I encourage my patients to not over extend themselves. The focus needs to be on making the workout a habit and to not interrupt this habit often. Given that, I need to start spreading my appointments further apart. I must walk, it is for my health. I am finding that I am having trouble sleeping again, I am sluggish in the mornings and not getting as much accomplished.
I am also cranky. Abby made a comment this morning about how I must not be in a good mood because I seemed cross. I explained to Abby that I was tired but wasn't actually angry about anything. She seemed to understand. She on the other hand, was in a great mood and wanted to share that with everyone :)
Walking seems to be an integral part of my well being. No walk, no well being. And I want to be well!
I feel that I am being torn between walking and appointments. Both are needed to take care of me. Is one more important than the other? I know that my appointments come in flurries or clumps, but is it enough for me to loose my motivation?
I started this blog yesterday, but became so busy, that I have to finish it today. Over the last 24 hours, I have been mulling it over and started asking myself, what do I tell one of my case management patients when they are in the same position?
I encourage my patients to not over extend themselves. The focus needs to be on making the workout a habit and to not interrupt this habit often. Given that, I need to start spreading my appointments further apart. I must walk, it is for my health. I am finding that I am having trouble sleeping again, I am sluggish in the mornings and not getting as much accomplished.
I am also cranky. Abby made a comment this morning about how I must not be in a good mood because I seemed cross. I explained to Abby that I was tired but wasn't actually angry about anything. She seemed to understand. She on the other hand, was in a great mood and wanted to share that with everyone :)
Walking seems to be an integral part of my well being. No walk, no well being. And I want to be well!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Monkey Mind
Ok, I've tried to start this blog 3 times today, each with a different subject. My head is swirling and I'm not 100% why. I think there is a hormonal component, but jeeze...I haven't felt this way since last summer. I am weepy for no reason, totally withdrawn, and just not sure about anything.
Kat feels that a new medication I'm on may be adding to this. She feels that my mood is actually cycling faster than before. She's right, on Sunday I felt good an over did. Still felt good on Monday, but yesterday I started feeling ugggh, and then today I'm all the way down.
SO....given that, I will be talking w/ Anita, my therapist to process this and make a plan to move forward from here.
I am going to make this short today, just need to pull in a little bit and find myself in the mess of emotion.
Kat feels that a new medication I'm on may be adding to this. She feels that my mood is actually cycling faster than before. She's right, on Sunday I felt good an over did. Still felt good on Monday, but yesterday I started feeling ugggh, and then today I'm all the way down.
SO....given that, I will be talking w/ Anita, my therapist to process this and make a plan to move forward from here.
I am going to make this short today, just need to pull in a little bit and find myself in the mess of emotion.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I am Beautiful
Driving in to work this morning I heard the song Beautiful by Christina Agulilera. One of the concepts of the song is that don't let words hurt you or tell you an different. I was in a space to really hear that this morning.
I was dressed up today, had a meeting. For me, dressed up is black slacks, button down shirt (blue), black vest, and a tie (blue stripped). I feel good when I clean up :) I even have a matching Kippah! Many a lesbian has told me how "hot" I am or how "cute". It wasn't until just recently that I've started believing them.
I have been told my whole life that I was not society's view of beautiful. I was too big, shoulders too wide, hips too wide, some extra padding, too muscular. I was told by one boyfriend in my 20's that I was "marrying" material?!? Really?? So I was less than beautiful, hot, or attractive, but I would do on a day to day basis?
Comments like that really stick with a person. I know my boyfriend was trying to find a way to compliment me, but in the process he did some major damage that has taken my almost 20 years to fix. My first wife continued to play on my self consciousness about my looks. I spiralled down into a depression. About 9 months after our break up I started dating again. I met several wonderful women and made several friends. Then I met my 2nd wife (remember I'm the Liz Taylor of Lesbians).
To be honest, she was the one who really convinced me that I was sexy. She helped me believe in myself, my looks, and in how people perceive me. During our break up, she tried to rip apart those things that I had begun to believe. The good news, I had stopped listening and carried those feelings of my type of beauty forward.
Again, I found myself on the dating scene and met several women. Some are still friends, many aren't, I didn't want the drama in my life; my first 2 wives provided a lifetime of drama in 10 yrs between the 2 of them. Then I met Kat, she not only finds me sexy and hot, but she likes me the way I am, butch. Neither of my other partners allowed me to fully go butch. I am beautiful as a butch! I am beautiful as me!
Olivia Travel is a lesbian run travel agency that provides cruises and resorts for lesbians and only lesbians. It is the most amazing feeling to be on a cruise ship with 1800 lesbians, not a man insight. All of the men's bathrooms were converted to women's and plants placed in the urinals :) I have not been able to find the song that they played on the cruise, but I do remember that it had the line, beautiful together in it. That line summed up how it felt to be with 1800 other lesbians and each of us was beautiful in our own way.
I am ready to be beautiful at my size now, and sexy at any size. Be beautiful, each of us has our own beauty, find it, revel in it, show it to the world. My beauty is being butch, what's yours?
"Beautiful"
I was dressed up today, had a meeting. For me, dressed up is black slacks, button down shirt (blue), black vest, and a tie (blue stripped). I feel good when I clean up :) I even have a matching Kippah! Many a lesbian has told me how "hot" I am or how "cute". It wasn't until just recently that I've started believing them.
I have been told my whole life that I was not society's view of beautiful. I was too big, shoulders too wide, hips too wide, some extra padding, too muscular. I was told by one boyfriend in my 20's that I was "marrying" material?!? Really?? So I was less than beautiful, hot, or attractive, but I would do on a day to day basis?
Comments like that really stick with a person. I know my boyfriend was trying to find a way to compliment me, but in the process he did some major damage that has taken my almost 20 years to fix. My first wife continued to play on my self consciousness about my looks. I spiralled down into a depression. About 9 months after our break up I started dating again. I met several wonderful women and made several friends. Then I met my 2nd wife (remember I'm the Liz Taylor of Lesbians).
To be honest, she was the one who really convinced me that I was sexy. She helped me believe in myself, my looks, and in how people perceive me. During our break up, she tried to rip apart those things that I had begun to believe. The good news, I had stopped listening and carried those feelings of my type of beauty forward.
Again, I found myself on the dating scene and met several women. Some are still friends, many aren't, I didn't want the drama in my life; my first 2 wives provided a lifetime of drama in 10 yrs between the 2 of them. Then I met Kat, she not only finds me sexy and hot, but she likes me the way I am, butch. Neither of my other partners allowed me to fully go butch. I am beautiful as a butch! I am beautiful as me!
Olivia Travel is a lesbian run travel agency that provides cruises and resorts for lesbians and only lesbians. It is the most amazing feeling to be on a cruise ship with 1800 lesbians, not a man insight. All of the men's bathrooms were converted to women's and plants placed in the urinals :) I have not been able to find the song that they played on the cruise, but I do remember that it had the line, beautiful together in it. That line summed up how it felt to be with 1800 other lesbians and each of us was beautiful in our own way.
I am ready to be beautiful at my size now, and sexy at any size. Be beautiful, each of us has our own beauty, find it, revel in it, show it to the world. My beauty is being butch, what's yours?
"Beautiful"
[Spoken]
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sluggish Today
Felt great yesterday, was VERY active and now, whomp...tired and sluggish. Yet, I found myself chair dancing today while at work. I still am in a good mood, but just subdued. I had trouble getting moving, was going to heat up pasta for Helen for lunch, but I felt so tired, I had them make peanut butter and jelly. I promised Helen, I'd make sure she has pasta tomorrow; guess it is early to bed for me tonight.
Of course, it doesn't help that I am reading a good book (actually 6 good books). I was able to purchase the first 6 of the Samantha Moon mysteries by J.R. Rain, for $2.99 and all 6 downloaded onto my nook as one 2250 page book. I can't put them down! I am on page 640 since Saturday evening. It is an easy read, well written characters, and some secrets yet to be revealed.
I wanted to also relay an experience I had with the Striiv company. Striiv is the company that made my pedometer with the video game and donations to charity. I have dropped my Striiv and it has been very durable; I guess dropping it down a flight of stairs, screen first, exceeds the Striiv's durability. Everything works except the touch screen. Everything, including the lock, relies on the touch screen. Mourning the loss of my Striiv, I tried to look online and see what is out there about this problem, there was nothing. Next step, to call the Striiv customer service line. Not only was there someone there on a Sunday, she was polite and very helpful. I explained to her my oops and that everything works except the touch screen. Striiv is sending out a replacement pedometer today and I just need to send mine back.
I was extremely impressed!! Usually Kat is the one who is hard on electronics, this time, it was my clumsy that got the best of my Striiv. I LOVE my Striiv! I can't expound on the pedometer enough. I love the stats that it keeps, the trophies and challenges that it offers, and the build my island game. It keeps me going; in fact my 1.5 hr walk yesterday was driven by trying to get 10,000 steps and earn new trophies. I actually walked over 15,000 steps yesterday. It felt amazing!
The only down side to a new Striiv is that I have to start all over again to meet my trophies and build my island, but that's ok, just more incentive to do it right this time :)
Took today off of walking, so I am ready to go at it again tomorrow. Early to bed, good rest, and more dancing in the kitchen!
Of course, it doesn't help that I am reading a good book (actually 6 good books). I was able to purchase the first 6 of the Samantha Moon mysteries by J.R. Rain, for $2.99 and all 6 downloaded onto my nook as one 2250 page book. I can't put them down! I am on page 640 since Saturday evening. It is an easy read, well written characters, and some secrets yet to be revealed.
I wanted to also relay an experience I had with the Striiv company. Striiv is the company that made my pedometer with the video game and donations to charity. I have dropped my Striiv and it has been very durable; I guess dropping it down a flight of stairs, screen first, exceeds the Striiv's durability. Everything works except the touch screen. Everything, including the lock, relies on the touch screen. Mourning the loss of my Striiv, I tried to look online and see what is out there about this problem, there was nothing. Next step, to call the Striiv customer service line. Not only was there someone there on a Sunday, she was polite and very helpful. I explained to her my oops and that everything works except the touch screen. Striiv is sending out a replacement pedometer today and I just need to send mine back.
I was extremely impressed!! Usually Kat is the one who is hard on electronics, this time, it was my clumsy that got the best of my Striiv. I LOVE my Striiv! I can't expound on the pedometer enough. I love the stats that it keeps, the trophies and challenges that it offers, and the build my island game. It keeps me going; in fact my 1.5 hr walk yesterday was driven by trying to get 10,000 steps and earn new trophies. I actually walked over 15,000 steps yesterday. It felt amazing!
The only down side to a new Striiv is that I have to start all over again to meet my trophies and build my island, but that's ok, just more incentive to do it right this time :)
Took today off of walking, so I am ready to go at it again tomorrow. Early to bed, good rest, and more dancing in the kitchen!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Awesome Day
What a wonderful day it has been! Felt good when I got up, feeling stronger every day. Took the girls to Hebrew school. Got some cuddle time with Abby. Saw both the girls volunteer to help Rabbi. Then, an hour and a half walk through downtown Potland, across to the Eastside Esplanade, back through downtown to the school. Came home and danced in the kitchen while making lunch, and now considering taking the girls out to learn to ride thier bikes.
Sundays are Kat's day off. I get to take the girls, actually get in the kitchen to cook, and work on projects. On sunny days like today, it is hard not to push myself to do everything and wear myself out. There is so much that I want to do and experience and not enough time to do it.
I have to learn to be content with what I can do without becoming apathetic and giving up. Like eberything else in life, you choose your path, mine is health. I've spent so much of my life focusing on what I am missing and what I want to do, that I have let myself get swallowed up in the future that may never be and lost where I want to be now.
Now, I am happy, strong, loved, and confident in who I am. Have a wonderful day and delight in who you are!
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Thursday, March 1, 2012
Busy Day
Well my attitude of gratitude is in full gear today! It has been a very busy day and one that I'm afraid is going to be more the common than the exception. The work load has increased substantially and I can really feel it. I like being busy, it keeps me engaged; comes from years in the ICU, the busier and more complicated things are, the sharper my edge and the better my work is (I feel). We'll see how long this engagement will last. I admit, I get bored easily.
It is a hard decision to make, do I stay where I am, stable, know I can do the job, and have what I need to give myself and my family or do I move on to something new, engaging, possibly more stressful with taking energy from me and the family. Though, given some of the circumstances right now, I wonder how stable this job really is. There is no guarantee that this job will be here in a year. The job I have is project based right now and if we don't get the certification that we have been working towards, let's just say the fit will hit the sham.
I look at the future, see what I'd like to do but get frozen by what my family and I need, which is stability. I feel stagnant right now. I don't want to become a drone, but I am afraid to step out the comfort zone. Change is scary. Luckily I have a wonderful partner who helps me analyze what I see and we make decisions together about what would be best for the family. In a lot of ways, Kat has brought stability to my life. I was already on the stability path, but the last 2 1/2 years with Kat have really solidified our family foundation.
With the stability I find that I am feeling up more often. I can't say that I am soaring like was last year, but I feel good. I am seeing the blessings in my life and though there are things in my life I wonder about, I have few regrets. Everything I've experienced has made me who I am today. I love who I've become. I am strong, confident, and believe in myself and others. I am still too trusting, but that comes from seeing the God/Goddess in everyone.
My talents are being recognized at work. There have been several times that I have met someone new, introduced myself and get "oh, I've heard about you". Managers from other departments recognize my skills and abilities and talk w/ me about career development. With the acceptance that I have energy that gets noticed whether I want it to or not, I am beginning to listen to those around me and believe that their guidance is so they can help me hone my skills.
I am learning to not be embarrassed by the attention that I am getting; humble, yes, embarrassed, no. In someways, I feel like I am bragging, but this is a new thing for me. I am becoming aware of some of my true potential and accepting it for the first time in my life. In some ways it is like when I finally accepted that I am a lesbian, I kind of always knew, but wasn't ready to accept it yet; this is the same, its always been there, but I wasn't ready to move forward and accept that it is part of who I am.
I see the blessings of a busy day and what it does for my mood and how I feel about myself at the end of the day. It is a good thing :)
It is a hard decision to make, do I stay where I am, stable, know I can do the job, and have what I need to give myself and my family or do I move on to something new, engaging, possibly more stressful with taking energy from me and the family. Though, given some of the circumstances right now, I wonder how stable this job really is. There is no guarantee that this job will be here in a year. The job I have is project based right now and if we don't get the certification that we have been working towards, let's just say the fit will hit the sham.
I look at the future, see what I'd like to do but get frozen by what my family and I need, which is stability. I feel stagnant right now. I don't want to become a drone, but I am afraid to step out the comfort zone. Change is scary. Luckily I have a wonderful partner who helps me analyze what I see and we make decisions together about what would be best for the family. In a lot of ways, Kat has brought stability to my life. I was already on the stability path, but the last 2 1/2 years with Kat have really solidified our family foundation.
With the stability I find that I am feeling up more often. I can't say that I am soaring like was last year, but I feel good. I am seeing the blessings in my life and though there are things in my life I wonder about, I have few regrets. Everything I've experienced has made me who I am today. I love who I've become. I am strong, confident, and believe in myself and others. I am still too trusting, but that comes from seeing the God/Goddess in everyone.
My talents are being recognized at work. There have been several times that I have met someone new, introduced myself and get "oh, I've heard about you". Managers from other departments recognize my skills and abilities and talk w/ me about career development. With the acceptance that I have energy that gets noticed whether I want it to or not, I am beginning to listen to those around me and believe that their guidance is so they can help me hone my skills.
I am learning to not be embarrassed by the attention that I am getting; humble, yes, embarrassed, no. In someways, I feel like I am bragging, but this is a new thing for me. I am becoming aware of some of my true potential and accepting it for the first time in my life. In some ways it is like when I finally accepted that I am a lesbian, I kind of always knew, but wasn't ready to accept it yet; this is the same, its always been there, but I wasn't ready to move forward and accept that it is part of who I am.
I see the blessings of a busy day and what it does for my mood and how I feel about myself at the end of the day. It is a good thing :)
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