I am Beautiful

Driving in to work this morning I heard the song Beautiful by Christina Agulilera.  One of the concepts of the song is that don't let words hurt you or tell you an different.  I was in a space to really hear that this morning.

I was dressed up today, had a meeting.  For me, dressed up is black slacks, button down shirt (blue), black vest, and a tie (blue stripped). I feel good when I clean up :)  I even have a matching Kippah!  Many a lesbian has told me how "hot" I am or how "cute".  It wasn't until just recently that I've started believing them.

I have been told my whole life that I was not society's view of beautiful.  I was too big, shoulders too wide, hips too wide, some extra padding, too muscular.  I was told by one boyfriend in my 20's that I was "marrying" material?!?  Really??  So I was less than beautiful, hot, or attractive, but I would do on a day to day basis?

Comments like that really stick with a person.  I know my boyfriend was trying to find a way to compliment me, but in the process he did some major damage that has taken my almost 20 years to fix.  My first wife continued to play on my self consciousness about my looks.  I spiralled down into a depression.  About 9 months after our break up I started dating again.  I met several wonderful women and made several friends.  Then I met my 2nd wife (remember I'm the Liz Taylor of Lesbians).

To be honest, she was the one who really convinced me that I was sexy.  She helped me believe in myself, my looks, and in how people perceive me.  During our break up, she tried to rip apart those things that I had begun to believe.  The good news, I had stopped listening and carried those feelings of my type of beauty forward.

Again, I found myself on the dating scene and met several women.  Some are still friends, many aren't, I didn't want the drama in my life; my first 2 wives provided a lifetime of drama in 10 yrs between the 2 of them.  Then I met Kat, she not only finds me sexy and hot, but she likes me the way I am, butch.  Neither of my other partners allowed me to fully go butch.  I am beautiful as a butch!  I am beautiful as me! 

Olivia Travel is a lesbian run travel agency that provides cruises and resorts for lesbians and only lesbians.  It is the most amazing feeling to be on a cruise ship with 1800 lesbians, not a man insight.  All of the men's bathrooms were converted to women's and plants placed in the urinals :)  I have not been able to find the song that they played on the cruise, but I do remember that it had the line, beautiful together in it.  That line summed up how it felt to be with 1800 other lesbians and each of us was beautiful in our own way.

I am ready to be beautiful at my size now, and sexy at any size.  Be beautiful, each of us has our own beauty, find it, revel in it, show it to the world.  My beauty is being butch, what's yours?

"Beautiful"

[Spoken]
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today