Definitely feeling stronger

My asthma has kicked me in the butt today. I have called in for a refill on my Prednisone and am very short of breath when I get too active.  That being said, I am happy that I still was able to get up and shower, I did not drop back into bed and sleep away the day, and feel fairly alert despite struggling to breath.

This just shows me that I am healthier and stronger than I have been in the past.  When my asthma has been like this in the past, I sleep all day and don't have the energy to move about or even shower.  I feel good that I have been able to get my body to this point.

 Not much else to say today :)  I am glad to see the difference.  If I am feeling better, plan is to empty all kitchen drawers and cabinets and re-order the kitchen.  I've been grounded by Kat, nothing fun until this project is over, so here's to hoping the Prednisone kicks in!

Have an amazing weekend!

A new day, A new year, A new theme song :)

It is an absolutely beautiful fall day here in the Pacific Northwest!  Crisp, cool morning with the sun shining, couldn't be better.  That being said, today is the celebration of Rosh Hashanah for me, so this will be a very brief blog, lots to do and enjoy on this wonderful Holy Day.

First, I have found my new favorite breakfast!  Kirkland non-fat Greek yogurt w/ honey.  Low calories, high protein, no fat, and carbs from the honey make for a nice filling breakfast that stays with me.  Plus, the serving size for the yogurt is 8 oz or 1 cup; that is a lot of yogurt!

Second, like Kronk from the Emperor's New Groove, I have a theme song I sing when I am loosing weight.  From my teen years it has been Breaking up is Hard to do...it starts "Down, doobie, do, down down" then "breaking up is hard, to, do"  I would sing this as the scale went lower :)

NOW, I have found my new song, it isn't focused on the weight loss, but my strength with in...I AM WOMAN by Helen Reddy.  The verse that I keep singing is "I am strong, I am invincible, I am Woman"  Yet the whole song fits and I can change some of the words, like make my brother understand, I use myself.  It is great! 

So hears to another wonderful day, one full of laughter, joy, and love.  A celebration of the sweet new year to come and the new found strength within.

SHANA TOVA!!

Fear of Mistakes

I'd like to start off with an update to my recent blog about supplements; be careful.  I have had an issue with excessive bruising and bleeding gums.  Kat and I are both nurses, so we started looking into this and found that Vitamin C is also used to thin the blood in people with heart problems.  Given the dose of 4000mg that my PMHNP put me on, plus I am on a baby aspirin daily, and a low dose of DHEA, I was set up to have problems with clotting.  I am going to have my blood drawn today to check my platelet level.  Meanwhile I have stopped the DHEA, Vitamin C, and Aspirin until I start clotting appropriately again. I have also stopped my weight training until this issue is resolved.

I was teaching a computer training yesterday and caught myself saying that, in my opinion, is that people are afraid of technology because they feel they will "mess up" the computer/phone/ect.  Yet, with today's technology, it is very difficult to cause what I call a data dump unless you are trying or just very unlucky.  I got to thinking, this is true for most things that cause fear, we don't want to cause a negative or data dump.  Raising kids is similar, many parents are afraid of doing or saying something that will cause a data dump and leave our children rocking in a corner sucking their thumbs.

Truth is, we are built to adapt and to avoid data dumps except in the extreme circumstances. I asked myself, am I afraid to be strong, to have a healthy body, and the answer, in part was yes.  Has it stopped me, no, I went out for the most amazing fall afternoon walk at lunch today.  I know that fear has been part of my weight issues; protecting myself and attempting to become invisible.  When does the fear that I will truly cause damage to my body with me weight come into it? 

In some ways it seems that my emotions hold my body hostage to its fears/paranoia/dysfunction.  The idea of being held hostage by anything is not a pleasant idea.  The idea of freedom is one that is more associated with Passover, but looking at Rosh Hashanah and starting the new year, it does seem appropriate to find a way to throw off some of those fears and dysfunctions. 

One of the things I am doing is telling myself that I am physically strong.  The days that I am tired and can't see myself doing anything, I keep saying, I am strong.  When I do this, I am ready to walk/workout when lunch comes around.  It doesn't mean I'm not tired, but it does mean that I feel the strength coursing through my body giving me what I need to take care of me.  I am strong, and I will get stronger.  This year will be one of physical strength for me. 

Wishing those who celebrate the New Year, may the coming year be sweet and full of laughter.  Shana Tova!

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The blessings of a new year...

This is an exciting time of year for us Jews...Rosh Hashanah is just a couple of days away.  Rosh Hashanah is our New Year.  This past month (the Jewish month of Elul), has been a time of introspection and reflection.  A time to look at my actions and see their effects on other people and the world around me.  Between now and Yom Kippur, I am to apologize to those I can, forgive others and myself; this way we start the new year with a clean slate. 

I am feeling like I am getting to start the new year with not just a clean slate, but a new attitude and a new motivation.  I am also starting w/ a bit of a new body.  I am down to 248 lbs and feeling good. I was able to get on the Elliptical machine today and do 30 minutes and felt good.  Again I feel strong and like I am being able to finally build some muscle. 

I am realizing that the consistent theme for me is strength.  I look back to my decision I made when I was young and whatever the incident was with the neighbor boy, I decided I needed to be big.  In actuality, I needed to be strong.  I am emotionally strong, and those who love me tell me I am strong willed (a trait I've passed onto the twins).  I have been physically strong at various points in my life as well.  In my mind strength equates to safety. 

Safety has always been an issue for me; I have never really felt secure and safe.  For the first time, I am feeling secure, safe, and stable.  I look at the relationships I entered into, I wasn't looking for safety or I wouldn't have been in either of my previous relationships.  In fact, both of my exes fed into my feelings of not being safe.  I put myself, and my children, into situations where I had to protect the children and fight to feel safe.  I am glad to say, I am not in that situation anymore.  Kat and I are very stable, there is no fear on either side, and the children are blossoming in the safety of our family. 

I refuse for my girls to grow up not feeling safe, so I need to be strong. I am glad that I have made the decision to be strong instead of big.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.    
Ralph Waldo Emerson 

An amazing day!

I have had the most wonderful day with 4 amazing 7/8 year old girls.  I woke up feeling good, showered, got the girls ready to go, washed and vacuumed the car, loaded the car, and this was all by 1000.  Then the twins and each brought a friend and I headed out to Hood River, Oregon to pick apples for Rosh Hashanah.  We had an absolute blast!  I felt good, was able to interact well with the girls, and carried lots and lots of apples and pears.  We went through a corn maze, visited an Alpaca farm, and ate caramel apples. 

I still feel strong and active; would love to work on making pear sauce tonight, but I don't have time.  I need to make sure I'm in bed on time, another work week is ahead of me.  We walked and carried and picked, but most of all, we laughed. 

The girls giggled and laughed the whole way there and the whole way home.  They played tag, ran through apple orchard and were full of questions and wonder about the Alpacas (Hannah asked why they have 3 stomachs and got the answer :)  We sang in the car (Band of Angles by Lynn Francis Anderson became an instant favorite with the friends) and rules were obeyed. 

I felt like a kid too.  I ate a caramel apple (the first in years), had fun watching the girls go through the corn maze.  They read Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk Ends to each other in the car; I caught myself reciting the poems with them.  It was fun watching all the girls as they learned new things, experienced new activities, and the wonder of learning.  I felt innocent again.

With that, I also felt strong.  I was able to keep up with the girls.  I was able to carry the apples and pears.  I was felt strong, capable, and wasn't worried that I was going to tire out.  I didn't get tired and become grumpy.  It was the first outing in years where I had more than enough energy to enjoy the day and the wonder around me.

The Columbia River Gorge was amazing.  Lots of low clouds, sun breaks sparkling off of the river, the green of the hills and valleys of Hood River, the feeling of communing with the beautiful nature that we have here in the Pacific Northwest.  That was rejuvenating for me as well. 

So all of that being said, it is time for me to go take care of me and make sure I get my strengthening sleep (I'm not really sure about beauty sleep, so I look at is as making me strong).


“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.”

Working through the past....

First I do want to say, I worked out on the Wii last night for 30 minutes.  I was impressed that I was taking it easy, yet, getting better scores than I did when I was working on the Wii on a regular basis.  Just a little more proof that I am improving, getting stronger, and getting healthier.  Also, my waist was down to 49.5 inches yesterday; that's .5 inches less.  So again, there is improvement :)

This morning I was reflecting on my previous relationships (my friend Trish calls me the Liz Taylor of lesbians) and where I am now.  I've come to realize that I still hold things in from those relationships; I have not full worked through them.  I am further w/ my second wife than my first, but there remains lingerings. 

For the first time in 3 years, I actually got a good look of the blue star on my left shoulder in the back.  This was a tattoo that my second wife and I had done together, she had a matching one in the same place.  Now and again I get a glimpse of it and had feelings of ambivalence about it.  Today when I looked at it, there was a peace that I had not felt before.  It was like I embraced that I had a second wife, I loved her, but have now moved on and she no longer has any hold on me.  I can remember the fun we had, the passion and it is OK. 

I feel I have done a better job of moving through the pain and grief of my second wife.  The relationship with my first wife is something totally different.  There isn't much pain or grief for the loss of the relationship specifically w/ my wife, it is the loss of the ancillary relationships that causes the most pain.  I still wonder how much of those 7 years was true and how much was a lie.  I will not be surprised if I am never totally sure about those years. 

Both of these relationships were very toxic for me, likewise, I'm sure that the relationship with me was toxic for them.  Toxicity usually runs both ways to keep things unhealthy. I don't blame or demonize my exes and admit to and take responsibility for my part in the toxicity.  That being said, I have been able to change some of the toxic behaviors with Kat.  I've learned from my mistakes and now have a wonderful woman who couldn't be a better partner.  We are able to talk, hold each other accountable, but most of all, we love each other in a way that gives both of us a feeling of peace.  We rarely fight, and when we do it lasts maybe an hour.  We are both learning to communicate effectively and because it is something we are both new at, we have the understanding and patience to allow for that learning curve.

My past relationships fed my dysfunctions.  They played into my fears, my need to be superwoman, and my hope to have a family.  Now I am not afraid in my relationship w/ Kat; there is no fear of rejection or abandonment.  I have a true partner who reminds me that I don't have to fix everything or take it all on by myself.  I now have a beautiful and amazing family. Am I still dysfunctional, yes, but I hope that my awareness is helping me to not be out of line and pass on a destructive type of dysfunctional. 

So why is this coming up now, why is my peace with my past relationships finally happening?  I am happy, stable, and very much loved.  Another influence I think is Rosh Hashanah is next week and the month of Elul (the month prior to Rosh Hashanah) is a time of introspection and reflection.  This is when we look at the last year and look to repair our tapestries.  Sometimes that is forgiving others or apologizing to others.  I find that I can apologize and forgive others more easily than I can myself.  It feels as though this Rosh Hashanah I am looking at forgiving myself as well as apologizing to myself for not listening to my gut, my intuition, my instinct.  I have made bad choices and hard decisions in my life, but for the first time I am beginning to acknowledge them without guilt or remorse.  I am here today, who I am because of all the good and bad.  It is time for me to let go of the pain and guilt and embrace the peace and the good memories.  Time for me to not just move beyond, but allow it to become part of me.  To make me whole I have to accept all that I have done...

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-- Leo Buscaglia

Backsliding day...

Well, today is a difficult day.  I am hungry, thinking about food, and want to eat constantly.  So today is a blog through the hunger day.  Find something else to focus on besides the fact that I want to eat.  I'm not sure why today, but regardless, I have to just suck it up, be a big girl, and deal with it.

I am a bit tired today, took a whole ambien last night, which being the lightweight that I am, has left me dragging this morning.  I also did not take my Siberian Ginseng since that was the only new thing added.  I am also going to take it easy on the exercise today.  I'll probably Wii tonight while Kat is at her Intro to Judaism class.  We'll see how I am feeling.  Maybe I need a night off?  The thing I will have to be careful about is not munching. 

I am realizing that part of my need to eat is that I don't like feeling uncomfortable.  Being uncomfortable is not the same as being in pain.  I react to pain very differently than I do being uncomfortable.  I have things that make me extremely uncomfortable that seem strange to me, but it is how my body interprets things.  As an example, the seam on a sock cannot be felt for any reason.  It cannot be on the bottom of my foot, the top of the toes, or to the side.  If I feel the seam, I become very agitated.  This isn't an emotion agitation, it is physical.  I cannot think of anything else except getting my shoe off as fast as I can and moving the seam. 

In some ways, I'm realizing that I feel the same way about hunger and food.  Anything that I perceive as hunger or a sense of being  uncomfortable in my stomach, I want to eat.  I wonder where, along the way, I loss the ability to cope with being uncomfortable.  The sock thing has always been there and now I've learned that is a very common symptom of Sensory Processing Disorder (Abigail has this as well).  Of course we now have names for all those things that we just dealt with in previous generations as if that explains it somehow. 

So what it boils down to, is that I am having issues coping with the rumbly in my tumbly and because I am uncomfortable, I eat.  I am finding myself berating myself for responding to something that is uncomfortable.  Like I should be able to deal with it, how silly is it that I have trouble coping with being uncomfortable, but handle pain.  I mean I do have 4 tattoos.

I also am realizing that I am having issues w/ my asthma today.  I went bounding up 2 flights of stairs and was very short of breath when I got to the top; normally I can go up the stairs w/o any shortness of breath.  This may be why I am so tired and also why I may be hungry.  Many of the sites that help you calculate your intake and output do it based on your weight or BMI, your amount of regular exercise, and what you eat; there is not any type of place to say, I am working hard to breath today so I will need more calories please. 

All of this can be overwhelming and complicated.  I am feeling more and more like there needs to be an owner's manual for our bodies, and even then I'm not sure it would help; I mean how many of us really read owner's manuals?  Trying to un-learn all that I've learned is tough, especially when my body is sending signals that counteract that attempt. 

Forward and onward, hunger or no, I have gotten through the day and continue to forge ahead towards that health.

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. Samuel Butler

Today is another day to succeed

I went over in my caloric intake yesterday by about 500 cal.  I had a snack of trail mix in the middle of the day that I usually don't have.  I also ate more at dinner; challah french toast w/ bacon= yummy!! (no, we aren't Kosher). I caught myself saying, well today is another day to succeed :)

I recognize, that while I went over my calorie intake, I am getting better not only at staying within my caloric range, but choosing a diet that keeps my fats, proteins, and carbohydrates balanced.  I am finding ways to make sure I get fruits and veggies as well as protein without adding fat.  I am becoming very aware of my lack of knowledge around dietary needs.  As an RN, I assume that I know enough, but I realize I know very little. 

I get the general idea about what to watch, what is needed to help build and keep my body going, but to get to the specifics of  how to accomplish this, not even close; and I continue to learn.  I hope that in the end, I will not only come away with a better understanding of my body and how to care for it, but also be able to set an example for the twins.


Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence. Abigail Adams

What is different?

I first want to say, what I am doing is for me Bridget Anne Connell.  I am not endorsing or making any recommnedations for any other person.  What I can encourage is discuss supplements with your Doctor or Naturopath. 

With that being said, I have done some extensive research and found some supplements that seem to be helping my body feel "normal".  I haven't felt this good in years/decades.  I have energy to get done what I need to get done, I am feeling stronger, and for the first time in a long time, feel like I'm not being beaten down.

So what am I taking...well, this started with research into supplements that would help support my system during peri-menopause.  I was also looking at supplements that would support Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome for Kat.  What kept coming up was Siberian Ginseng, so I started looking into it.  Now to be honest, I just started the Siberian Ginseng yesterday.  What this research did do, was lead me to a condition called Adrenal Fatigue. 

Now, if you go to your Doctor and ask about Adrenal Fatigue, there may be a blank stare; this is a theory that is in the alternative medicine arena, but has not broken into the mainstream yet.  This theory was developed by Dr. James Wilson of Canada.  To learn more about Adrenal Fatigue, you can visit http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/.  I do not endorse Dr. Wilson's products.  I do encourage, that if you feel that you are having the symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue, to speak with your health care provider and know what you are taking before taking it.  Many of the herbal supplements can have interactions with medications that you may be on.

After much research, I have started on DHEA 25 mg in the morning, 50-B Complex 1 tablet in the morning, and Vitamin C 4000 mg in the morning.  As I said, I just added the Siberian Ginseng, 3 capsules in the morning. It has been since starting these supplements that I have been having an increase in energy overall well being.  I am on the 4000 mg of Vitamin C at the recommendation of my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner.  Again, this was a recommendation for me based on my medications and her knowledge of my symptoms.  She has been working with me for 7 years and knows me very well and knows what is safe for me. 

It has been starting these supplements that I have had the energy and ability to change my diet and stick with it.  I have been getting up in the morning, showering instead of taking a bath, making breakfast for the girls and myself, emptying the dishwasher and reloading it, walk the dogs, and this morning I also started the kids' laundry.  Even when I have a short night, I am being able to get up and do this.  This is a far cry to where I was 6 months ago when I was so tired I only had enough energy to take a bath, get dressed, and walk the dogs.

Some of this was already changing when I stared the supplements, but I have had a general feeling of well being and energy that increased with the supplements.  As I've said in the past, I'm not looking for a quick fix, but if there is something that helps my body work better and is healthy, I'm willing to try it.  I did not expect to feel this good, I was just looking to give my body some support so it can do its job.

Again, I'll ride this wave as far as I can go with it and enjoy every minute of feeling good :)



Being in a good frame of mind helps keep one in the picture of health.  ~Author Unknown

What is success?

When I was working on my MBA, one of the first ideas that we discussed was what defines success.  One of the things that was brought out is that success is different for each person.  As a manager/leader, it is important to play to each person's strength.  By doing this, it creates a positive environment, increases employee satisfaction, and helps the employee grow.  With this comes a feeling of success. 

I have seen small successes along my journey; even ones that have morphed into a true change in what I eat and how I live my life. The ultimate goal has had very little success, weight loss.  Yes, there has been some.  My original weight when I started blogging was 253.8 lbs.  I am now 250.6 lbs.  The loss is slight, instead of bouncing around the 254-256 range I'm in the 249-251 range.  It feels like a solid loss.

Success though, my goal of making a fat girl slim, seems to be elusive.  I am a fat girl feeling stronger, healthier, and smaller, but not slimmer.  Clothes are fitting different, looser, baggier, more difficult to keep my pants up, yet, my waist remains 50 inches.

I will continue on and keep working with the goal of being healthy and making better choices about my diet and how to exercise.  I will continue make better choices, focus on being stronger without being "bigger", and follow my health as far as it will take me.

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Good day

It has been a wonderful day!  It started with a 5k walk in Portland's Race for the Cure.  I was there supporting my friend Suzy, she lost her Mother earlier this year to complications related to her breast cancer treatment.  It was an amazing experience; 45,000 people with their intent focused on curing breast cancer, so incredible!

I was impressed that I was able to walk the 5k (3.11 miles) without much issue.  Granted the flow is a slow meander that took us 1hour 45 minutes to complete.  There was no issues with my knees, no shortness of breath, really felt good through the whole walk.  I had to laugh, the twins went with me, at the end, Abigail was ready to be done, Helen asked if we could do it again :)

I have been adjusting my diet.  One of the things that I have been learning through using the dailyburn.com is that I get enough fat, but not enough protein.  I've started looking at what foods are higher in protein without adding too much fat.  What I have been finding, egg whites, soy beans, cottage cheese, and some of the Greek yogurts.  What I am doing is taking the cottage cheese or Greek yogurt and adding fruit.  Looking at our shopping list this weekend, I saw that we are adding more veggies and fruits and less empty calories.  For chips we are having corn chips, this helps with the need for crunchy without all the grease that goes with the potato chips. 

There has been an issue with my blood sugars over the years.  I have learned that my blood sugar will drop during the night so my body would release Glucagon which resulted in an elevated blood sugar in the morning.  I have tried many different combinations of protein with carbohydrates for a snack before bed; what I found was ice cream worked.  Now, I am re-assessing this and trying to find something that has lower fat content, but still high protein and enough carbohydrates to keep my blood sugars up during the night. 

My weight is still remaining stable at 249.0 lbs.  My clothes continue to feel looser and I am feeling stronger.  I actually am feeling as though I am getting control of things at this time.  I am visualizing myself as strong and thinner.  I can still feel my thinner self under all of this fat.  I am continuing to see more of a toning of my body.  It felt good to order a 2x for the t-shirt from the Race for the Cure and not only have it fit, but it is loose!  I know that being excited about getting into a 2x sounds ridiculous, but when you have been tight in a 3x, it feels like a HUGE accomplishment  I still have 94 lbs to go, but I feel as though I have a shot of making it over time.  I am liking the slower weight loss, it allows my body to adjust to the less weight and I feel as though it will stay off over time.

Starting my day with 45,000 people focused on the same cause has given me a perspective that helps me focus on the cause of health.  Holistic health, mind, body, spirit.  So I move forward with the intention of promoting health for myself, my family, and my community.

Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.
Saint Francis de Sales

Feeling thinner!

I am so excited...the cooler temperatures and rain have moved in!!  I love fall in the Pacific Northwest :)

I am feeling thinner.  My KPWalk T-shirt is getting larger, the boxers that used to be tight in the thigh are now loose, my pants are very loose.  I am feeling stronger, more buff (as buff a fat gal can be ;)   I am feeling more energetic.  I am getting up time, showering every day, making breakfast, watching what I eat, exercising, and sleeping well.  I haven't felt this good in quite sometime.

The twins had soccer pictures and a game, grocery shopping, cleaned house, cleaned kitchen, baked a pie.  I like who I am able to be.  Life is busy, I am finding time to work out and be more mindful of my eating habits.  All I can say is I feel good.

I feel as though I am finding that inner, thinner me.  She is someone I like, someone I love, and someone that I hope will stick around for quite some time.

You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.
Henry David Thoreau

The Joy of Health

It has been very busy the last couple of days.  I was able to get to the gym yesterday and work my lower body on the weights.  Today was no real exercise.  I was part of a training team teaching an all day class.   So while I didn't make it to walk or the gym, I feel I did get some time in with the walking of up and down the aisle during my presentations and hands on time for my peers. 

My diet has been an interesting journey.  I have been impressed with dailyburn.com  I had been using caloriecounter.com, but I find that the daily burn provides a more extensive food list as well as training programs.  The presentation of your health is easy to read and more holistic; it looks at nutrition, weight, exercise, and sleep. 

What I've come to realize, is that I don't eat enough protein.  In trying to get enough protein, I've been eating too much fat.  With this information, I'm looking at ways to increase my protein without increasing my calories or fats.  I've found that soy is a good source; looking at adding more edameme, cottage cheese, and some yogurts.  We don't eat a lot of meat, so there isn't much there to change.  Egg whites are to be considered high protein and low calorie.  I'm thinking about adding boiled eggs as well. 

My weight is slowly decreasing.  My current weight is 249.6 lbs. and has been stable for several days.  There has not been the bouncing up and down I usually see.  So I am  happy with what I am experiencing with that.

Sleep is still elusive.  I am getting better at making sure that I am getting 7-8 hrs per night.  It can be hard, Kat and I like having time together in the evening.  We are trying to get to bed earlier; we tend to get to bed and start talking.  Its like a sleep over with your best friend.  So by going to bed earlier, we have time to talk without being up so late.  We are trying to remain consistent, but do find it a challenge.

I am looking forward to this next weekend, we are all walking in the Race for the Cure for breast cancer.  If you are interested in donating, we are walking here in Portland, Oregon for the team Doty's Dream: A Cure.  It is a 5k walk that will be the first for the twins.  I haven't been in over 10 years and am looking forward to beginning to participate in activities such as these again. 

So here's to holistic health; to becoming aware of the body's needs and finding a way in our modern day culture to provide those needs.  Finding a way that is economical as well as healthy so that all needs are met.  For some reason, I keep making a typo of the word Joy, so here is to holistic health and the Joy of life that health brings! 

Enjoy the journey, enjoy ever moment, and quit worrying about winning and losing -- Matt Biondi

Exhaustion

Yesterday was a total loss in regards of productivity.  Both Kat and I were shot.  We did make it to the Judaica shop and up to see Kat's parents.  We had a nice visit and were sent home w/ 3 flat boxes full of tomatoes.  With both of us so tired, we didn't feel like cooking dinner.  We stopped at Albertson's on the way home to pick something easy up.  We walked in and there right in front of us, my nemesis, Oreos!  Not just any Oreos, but ones shaped like footballs!!

I was happy that I was able to walk away and not buy any.  It also really showed me how when I'm tired, I am at risk for binging.  So not only is it hard to concentrate and physically function, being tired sets me up for failure in my diet as well.  Just another reason to try to focus on getting enough sleep and rest.

I am still tired today, but doing better.  I am able to focus on what I need to take care of myself.  I went to the gym and did an upper body weight set and some lower body cardio.  It felt good and I didn't over do.  I am hoping for an early to bed tonight, but with football on, I don't know if I can be that strong and make myself go to bed. 

“Sleep is the best meditation.”  The Dali Lama

Busy Day

As I start this blog today, I want to take a moment and recognize all those who lost their lives, their loved ones, and a nation that was shaken to its core in the attacks of September 11,2001.  I was sitting in traffic on Hwy 26 listening to K103.  I was really confused at first, then Craig Walker came on and explained what he was seeing and I realized that we were under attack and that the future was unknown.  Once at work, we watched the news on the TV in our outpatient infusion suite.  There was a bomb threat to our building and we had to evacuate, including our patients.  Finishing infusions in the parking lot on a bright sunny day, we were told that the Police were responding to so many bomb threats that we were to leave and go home for the day.  The days that followed were surreal.  This is a day that will forever mark a change in the course of our country, our communities, and ourselves.  Let us remember....


Yesterday was a whirlwind.  Started at 0730 with getting the kids up, going to the farmers market for produce, then the girls' first soccer game of the season (they did a 1,2 punch and made a goal :).  Then off to Costco and Fred Meyer (Kroger's).  Therapy followed by dinner (we watched Hoodwinked Too!). Then 8 hrs of canning peaches, pears, and pickle relish (watched Paul).  Great day, very long day, bed was at 0200. 

For me, I love days like this.  Lots of fun activities, loved running into friends at the soccer game, watching our girls play and the enthusiasm they have.  I love my Therapist, we go for walks during our session; great way to take care of me.  Working together in the kitchen with Kat it always awesome.  We are a good team and work together well.  That way things get done, done right, and quicker. 

So I ask, where was the space of my day?  Where was the space between the letters?  In a lot of ways, I felt relaxed, enjoyed my day, felt productive, and loved my day.  So if I don't make this a regular thing, is it ok for me to have days like this.  It felt good.  It was a wonderful day where I felt that I connected with my family, friends, and in some ways, myself. 

I come back to a more low key day today.  Going to see Kat's parents, a quick trip to the Judaica store (time to pick up a couple of toy shofars for the girls), then watching football the rest of the day :)  If it isn't too hot today, I'll get on the elliptical. 

So here is to the ending of summer, the beginning of fall, and the awareness that I need to take time for me and be in the space between the letters.



Indira Gandhi, Indian politician
You must learn to be still in the midst of activity and to be vibrantly alive in repose.

Patience and Musings

I'm finding that I, like many people, like instant gratification.  My weight has been doing well.  I am down to 251.0 lbs and staying there right now.  There is a slow downward trend.  My blood sugars have been excellent at 105 fasting.  It is hard for me to be patient as my body does its work.  I want to look better NOW!  That being said, I am happy with what it happening.  I know that weight taken off slowly usually stays off.  I also acknowledge that my body is getting healthier.  This is seen through my blood sugars as well as when I have good days, I feel the way I imagine normal is supposed to feel.

With that I was thinking on the way in to work today, what if the development of our relationship with food is the same as our emotional development.  We can get stunted in our emotional growth, can we get stunted in our growth with food?  If so, like emotional growth, will we have to go through all of the developmental phases to reach maturity?  What does maturity look like?  What are the different stages?  Or is it that we have to go through our emotional stages to come to the maturity point with our food?  There is no doubt that they are tied to each other, but are they dependent on each other.  Is there a certain point in our development that they become less intertwined? 

As I said, these are musing, but ones that I am curious about.  I think so little is known on how we develop our relationship with food, that we don't know how to fix it, all we know is it can be broke.

Have a wonderful weekend!  Shabbot Shalom!

The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.  ~Author Unknown

Want to keep going

I was able to sleep better last night.  Still kind of groggy today, but all in all in a good mood.  Our heatwave continues without a break in sight; in fact the temperatures this weekend are supposed to get hotter.  With that, I'm not real sure what activity level we are looking at for the weekend.  I know that the twins have a soccer game Saturday morning and that we want to hit the Judiaca shop on Sunday, but other than that, I think its going to try to find a way to stay cool.

I was able to go out for a stroll at lunch though.  It was nice to get out before it got too hot.  I also ran into a friend, so it was really nice.  With football on tonight, I don't anticipate any other real exercising happening.

I am watching what I am eating.  I'm making sure that my snacks are healthier.  I am also finding that I am not wanting to eat as much.  I went to lunch at the cafeteria today; it is Taco Thursday!  I watched these slimmer women getting the "large" Taco Salads.  Meat, beans, cheese, sour cream, the works.  I asked for the "small" and had about a total of  2.5 cups of food.  I am full!  I couldn't imagine trying to eat the "large". 

I am also realizing that my estimates have been over estimates because I have no spacial ability.  I am not always able to measure or weigh things.  So, I'm going to have to find a way to fix this.  That will come in time.  So I look ahead a little bit and see that I can keep this going, with all the support and love that I have surrounding me, and believing in myself, it will happen :)

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Feels like a Tuesday...

Tired today.  Back to not sleeping well at night.  I am still in a positive and good mood :)  Went to the gym at work and did some weights.  It felt good.  Tried not to overdue...reminding myself that I am not superwoman.  I am still motivated and hoping to keep things going. 

As summer continues here in the Pacific NW, the heat does make it hard for me to keep going.  We have don't have air conditioning, so when I get home all I want to do is sit and not move.  It is unusual for us to have temps in the 90's in September.  This time of year we are in the 70's.  Also, we rarely have several days of hot weather in a row, we are  on week 2 of hot, summer weather.   Given that I am a Portlander through and through, I'm not acclimated to this weather.  I am not complaining, it is nice, but it does make it difficult to get my butt going.

That being said.  I am happy that I was able to do some weights.  I am going to take it easy on my cardio, my knee is still messed up from the jogging/walking.  Have to be ready for the Race for the Cure on September 18th; on Doty's Dream: A Cure team :) 

As for watching my intake, I did well.  Dinner was at the Old Spaghetti Factory, a rare treat for the family.  I ordered my favorite dinner, spinach tortellini with Alfredo sauce.  I have read in several places, to leave some food on your plate.  I was able to leave 4 tortellini.  For me, this was huge!  It felt good to begin to take control of my food.

In the words of Stuart Smalley, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."

Riding the wave!

I have continued to feel descent over the weekend.  We were very busy canning pickles and peaches.  Lots of standing.  My real successes over the weekend were recognizing when I was full and stopping the eating.  I loved what we were eating, but was full and consciously told myself to stop eating.  It felt good to be able to stop.  I felt in control.  Control is an issue I feel that many of us who have weight issues (under or over) have.  We feel out of control in other aspects of our lives, so we use food as a way of exerting our control. 

I am feeling in control right now.  My weight has been stable at 252.4 lbs.  I was shocked that my blood sugar this morning was 121.  I have started taking a Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C, and DHEA.  I was able to get out and walk after a week off.  I have been sleeping the last few nights even though they have been short, they have been restful. 

Is it being productive that has led to the feeling of control?  Is it the start of school/fall?  I'm not really sure the reason matters.  What I am going to do is grasp it with both hands and ride it as far as it will take me.  Getting back to walking. Weights tomorrow.  Listening to my body. It feels good.  I like feeling this way.  I feel like I have energy and can actually get things done; things that need doing and things I want to do. 

That being said, it is important for me to make sure that those around me know how much I love them and how proud I am of all that they are.  There have been several deaths over the last few months, some expected, some anticipated, and some unexpected.  Making sure that my loved ones know how I feel and show them how special they are to me, this is a huge motivation for my life.

Motivation is making sure that everyone know I love them.  I need to be healthy to make this happen. So here is to surfing the wave!

Trying to wright through this...

I am really hitting resistance.  It isn't just a barrier that I am having difficulty moving, but it pushes back! 

The above is all I was able to write on Friday, September 2, 2011.  I am still feeling defeated and frustrated, but was able to get some good sleep last night and felt productive yesterday. 

It was a great day yesterday!  I went to the Farmer's Market with the twins.  Bought peaches and other veggies.  Let the twins play in the fountain there.  Picked up Kat and off to Sauvie's Island to get pickling cucumbers.  Dinner and a video (a treat in our house).  Then up until Midnight canning dill pickles and peaches.  Great family time!  Felt productive!  Didn't get any real "exercise" in. 

Today was an awesome lazy day!!  Slept in, yeah!  Went to Kat's parents for a mid afternoon meal.  Sat out in the Gazebo while the twins ran through the sprinkler.  Reminded me of when I'd visit my ex's parents in Montana, hot, good food, good company, and just comfortable.

On tap tonight, pickle Gherkin cucumbers.  Cut up the onions, peppers, and cucumbers to make relish tomorrow.  Blanch and freeze green beans.  Tomorrow, we can pears and make relish. 

It feels good to be able to be productive.  To me, this isn't work.  I enjoy canning (for those of you who didn't know this before, I'm crazy).  I think back to earlier in the summer, I was building planting boxes for Kat, I felt great.  Motivated, energetic, ready to take it all on.  This weekend, I am perking up, feeling motivated and wanting to keep going.  Keep pushing forward even if the barrier is pushing back.

I can do this!!  My weight is remaining stable at 252.4 lbs.  I have not been working out this last week.  My goal is to walk this week (though it is expected that we will have 100 degree weather) and get over to the gym at work and lift weights.  I am eating better, and continuing to be mindful of my intake.

I will confront my resistance to counting calories and pay attention to what I am putting in my body.  I will continue to decrease the amount of artificial sweetener that I put in my body.  I will acknowledge that my body has to last me another 50 years and I want to be a classic!

I will and I can!