Working through the past....

First I do want to say, I worked out on the Wii last night for 30 minutes.  I was impressed that I was taking it easy, yet, getting better scores than I did when I was working on the Wii on a regular basis.  Just a little more proof that I am improving, getting stronger, and getting healthier.  Also, my waist was down to 49.5 inches yesterday; that's .5 inches less.  So again, there is improvement :)

This morning I was reflecting on my previous relationships (my friend Trish calls me the Liz Taylor of lesbians) and where I am now.  I've come to realize that I still hold things in from those relationships; I have not full worked through them.  I am further w/ my second wife than my first, but there remains lingerings. 

For the first time in 3 years, I actually got a good look of the blue star on my left shoulder in the back.  This was a tattoo that my second wife and I had done together, she had a matching one in the same place.  Now and again I get a glimpse of it and had feelings of ambivalence about it.  Today when I looked at it, there was a peace that I had not felt before.  It was like I embraced that I had a second wife, I loved her, but have now moved on and she no longer has any hold on me.  I can remember the fun we had, the passion and it is OK. 

I feel I have done a better job of moving through the pain and grief of my second wife.  The relationship with my first wife is something totally different.  There isn't much pain or grief for the loss of the relationship specifically w/ my wife, it is the loss of the ancillary relationships that causes the most pain.  I still wonder how much of those 7 years was true and how much was a lie.  I will not be surprised if I am never totally sure about those years. 

Both of these relationships were very toxic for me, likewise, I'm sure that the relationship with me was toxic for them.  Toxicity usually runs both ways to keep things unhealthy. I don't blame or demonize my exes and admit to and take responsibility for my part in the toxicity.  That being said, I have been able to change some of the toxic behaviors with Kat.  I've learned from my mistakes and now have a wonderful woman who couldn't be a better partner.  We are able to talk, hold each other accountable, but most of all, we love each other in a way that gives both of us a feeling of peace.  We rarely fight, and when we do it lasts maybe an hour.  We are both learning to communicate effectively and because it is something we are both new at, we have the understanding and patience to allow for that learning curve.

My past relationships fed my dysfunctions.  They played into my fears, my need to be superwoman, and my hope to have a family.  Now I am not afraid in my relationship w/ Kat; there is no fear of rejection or abandonment.  I have a true partner who reminds me that I don't have to fix everything or take it all on by myself.  I now have a beautiful and amazing family. Am I still dysfunctional, yes, but I hope that my awareness is helping me to not be out of line and pass on a destructive type of dysfunctional. 

So why is this coming up now, why is my peace with my past relationships finally happening?  I am happy, stable, and very much loved.  Another influence I think is Rosh Hashanah is next week and the month of Elul (the month prior to Rosh Hashanah) is a time of introspection and reflection.  This is when we look at the last year and look to repair our tapestries.  Sometimes that is forgiving others or apologizing to others.  I find that I can apologize and forgive others more easily than I can myself.  It feels as though this Rosh Hashanah I am looking at forgiving myself as well as apologizing to myself for not listening to my gut, my intuition, my instinct.  I have made bad choices and hard decisions in my life, but for the first time I am beginning to acknowledge them without guilt or remorse.  I am here today, who I am because of all the good and bad.  It is time for me to let go of the pain and guilt and embrace the peace and the good memories.  Time for me to not just move beyond, but allow it to become part of me.  To make me whole I have to accept all that I have done...

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-- Leo Buscaglia