The blessings of a new year...

This is an exciting time of year for us Jews...Rosh Hashanah is just a couple of days away.  Rosh Hashanah is our New Year.  This past month (the Jewish month of Elul), has been a time of introspection and reflection.  A time to look at my actions and see their effects on other people and the world around me.  Between now and Yom Kippur, I am to apologize to those I can, forgive others and myself; this way we start the new year with a clean slate. 

I am feeling like I am getting to start the new year with not just a clean slate, but a new attitude and a new motivation.  I am also starting w/ a bit of a new body.  I am down to 248 lbs and feeling good. I was able to get on the Elliptical machine today and do 30 minutes and felt good.  Again I feel strong and like I am being able to finally build some muscle. 

I am realizing that the consistent theme for me is strength.  I look back to my decision I made when I was young and whatever the incident was with the neighbor boy, I decided I needed to be big.  In actuality, I needed to be strong.  I am emotionally strong, and those who love me tell me I am strong willed (a trait I've passed onto the twins).  I have been physically strong at various points in my life as well.  In my mind strength equates to safety. 

Safety has always been an issue for me; I have never really felt secure and safe.  For the first time, I am feeling secure, safe, and stable.  I look at the relationships I entered into, I wasn't looking for safety or I wouldn't have been in either of my previous relationships.  In fact, both of my exes fed into my feelings of not being safe.  I put myself, and my children, into situations where I had to protect the children and fight to feel safe.  I am glad to say, I am not in that situation anymore.  Kat and I are very stable, there is no fear on either side, and the children are blossoming in the safety of our family. 

I refuse for my girls to grow up not feeling safe, so I need to be strong. I am glad that I have made the decision to be strong instead of big.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.    
Ralph Waldo Emerson