Well, today is a difficult day. I am hungry, thinking about food, and want to eat constantly. So today is a blog through the hunger day. Find something else to focus on besides the fact that I want to eat. I'm not sure why today, but regardless, I have to just suck it up, be a big girl, and deal with it.
I am a bit tired today, took a whole ambien last night, which being the lightweight that I am, has left me dragging this morning. I also did not take my Siberian Ginseng since that was the only new thing added. I am also going to take it easy on the exercise today. I'll probably Wii tonight while Kat is at her Intro to Judaism class. We'll see how I am feeling. Maybe I need a night off? The thing I will have to be careful about is not munching.
I am realizing that part of my need to eat is that I don't like feeling uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is not the same as being in pain. I react to pain very differently than I do being uncomfortable. I have things that make me extremely uncomfortable that seem strange to me, but it is how my body interprets things. As an example, the seam on a sock cannot be felt for any reason. It cannot be on the bottom of my foot, the top of the toes, or to the side. If I feel the seam, I become very agitated. This isn't an emotion agitation, it is physical. I cannot think of anything else except getting my shoe off as fast as I can and moving the seam.
In some ways, I'm realizing that I feel the same way about hunger and food. Anything that I perceive as hunger or a sense of being uncomfortable in my stomach, I want to eat. I wonder where, along the way, I loss the ability to cope with being uncomfortable. The sock thing has always been there and now I've learned that is a very common symptom of Sensory Processing Disorder (Abigail has this as well). Of course we now have names for all those things that we just dealt with in previous generations as if that explains it somehow.
So what it boils down to, is that I am having issues coping with the rumbly in my tumbly and because I am uncomfortable, I eat. I am finding myself berating myself for responding to something that is uncomfortable. Like I should be able to deal with it, how silly is it that I have trouble coping with being uncomfortable, but handle pain. I mean I do have 4 tattoos.
I also am realizing that I am having issues w/ my asthma today. I went bounding up 2 flights of stairs and was very short of breath when I got to the top; normally I can go up the stairs w/o any shortness of breath. This may be why I am so tired and also why I may be hungry. Many of the sites that help you calculate your intake and output do it based on your weight or BMI, your amount of regular exercise, and what you eat; there is not any type of place to say, I am working hard to breath today so I will need more calories please.
All of this can be overwhelming and complicated. I am feeling more and more like there needs to be an owner's manual for our bodies, and even then I'm not sure it would help; I mean how many of us really read owner's manuals? Trying to un-learn all that I've learned is tough, especially when my body is sending signals that counteract that attempt.
Forward and onward, hunger or no, I have gotten through the day and continue to forge ahead towards that health.
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. Samuel Butler
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