So making the decision to focus on food and diet rather than exercise has put up a road block. It seems that I am comfortable pushing the exercise, but uncomfortable with the control of my food intake. I feel like an ostrich, I want to bury my head in the sand and not deal with it.
I find it easier to start working out. Exercise helps me cope with stress and gives me time to feel normal and physical. I always wanted to be a jock. I am too uncoordinated to be great at sports; I also don't build muscle easily (never have) so I am always round and soft. I would love to be buff. Not weight lifter buff, but at least with muscle definition. I like feeling like I can do what I want to and need to physically. Having to ask for help with things like carrying stuff upstairs really chaps my hide.
Keeping all of this in mind, I will ruminate more about how to bring balance to my life.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Considerations....
I have been getting a lot of feedback from friends and Kat, a lot to consider. There are 2-3 areas that are resonating with me to change; focus on diet vs. exercise, countering my negative talk, the biological effects of hormones.
It has come up several times that the key to health and weight loss is more diet than exercise (defining exercise as cardiovascular workouts, not muscle building). Gaining muscle and being aware of what I am putting in my body have been a recurrent theme I've been hearing for the last couple of weeks. SO...I am trying to begin to shift my focus from exercise to diet. I know I felt better when Kat and I were mostly gluten free. I don't know if it was the lack of gluten, but I want to get more gluten free in my diet. I am also looking at cutting way back on my diet Snapple intake. I stopped drinking soda (have been sober since 4/8/2009), now its time to look at cutting back on the Snapple. When I was in Weight Watchers (WW), I learned that if a drink is non-carbonated and has less than 5 calories per serving, it was considered water. So I drink diet Snapple as my water/fluid intake. What is all that aspartame doing to my body? I know that there is a lot of controversy as to how the body reacts to it. SO....I will begin to cut back the amount I am drinking and increase my water intake.
I am also seeing that my negative talk has increased. It's hard when I feel that I am trying but there are no or few results. I know there are reasons and things that I want to loose weight for, but mostly, I just want to be healthy. I want to find the healthy way to loose weight, to be energetic, to interact with my family/friends/environment/the Earth. I see that I am still finding ways to beat myself up; I'm not succeeding, so I must be doing something wrong. I may not be doing anything wrong, I have to keep in mind that my body is doing what it is doing as a effect of not only my diet and exercise, but other influences including my hormones.
Hormones are not just the gender specific ones like estrogen or testosterone, insulin is a hormone, adrenaline is a hormone. So not only is my body fighting the whacked menstrual cycle hormones, it is fighting against my stress hormones, and who knows what other hormones. I am looking at what supplements I can take to help my body come back into hormonal balance. Looking at what I can do to provide support for my adrenal glands, for my ovaries, and my pituitary. Am I looking for a quick fix, maybe, but it is all integrated. I know that there is an imbalance because of the physical symptoms I am experiencing. Supporting my body through the changes shouldn't be harmful. I"m not looking to reverse the change, but to find a way to make the transition a little smoother.
So here I am, floundering, trying to strike a balance. How does one find balance in today's world? With all of the expectations upon us, on our families, on our children, how do we find that healthy balance between a good thing and too much, between active and too busy, between giving to others and saving some for ourselves? It's about balance, and that balance isn't just within the body, but emotional and spiritual as well. I've been so focused on the physical and how things in my emotional and spiritual effect the physical, I haven't really looked at how to strike the balance for my other facets. Balance....
It has come up several times that the key to health and weight loss is more diet than exercise (defining exercise as cardiovascular workouts, not muscle building). Gaining muscle and being aware of what I am putting in my body have been a recurrent theme I've been hearing for the last couple of weeks. SO...I am trying to begin to shift my focus from exercise to diet. I know I felt better when Kat and I were mostly gluten free. I don't know if it was the lack of gluten, but I want to get more gluten free in my diet. I am also looking at cutting way back on my diet Snapple intake. I stopped drinking soda (have been sober since 4/8/2009), now its time to look at cutting back on the Snapple. When I was in Weight Watchers (WW), I learned that if a drink is non-carbonated and has less than 5 calories per serving, it was considered water. So I drink diet Snapple as my water/fluid intake. What is all that aspartame doing to my body? I know that there is a lot of controversy as to how the body reacts to it. SO....I will begin to cut back the amount I am drinking and increase my water intake.
I am also seeing that my negative talk has increased. It's hard when I feel that I am trying but there are no or few results. I know there are reasons and things that I want to loose weight for, but mostly, I just want to be healthy. I want to find the healthy way to loose weight, to be energetic, to interact with my family/friends/environment/the Earth. I see that I am still finding ways to beat myself up; I'm not succeeding, so I must be doing something wrong. I may not be doing anything wrong, I have to keep in mind that my body is doing what it is doing as a effect of not only my diet and exercise, but other influences including my hormones.
Hormones are not just the gender specific ones like estrogen or testosterone, insulin is a hormone, adrenaline is a hormone. So not only is my body fighting the whacked menstrual cycle hormones, it is fighting against my stress hormones, and who knows what other hormones. I am looking at what supplements I can take to help my body come back into hormonal balance. Looking at what I can do to provide support for my adrenal glands, for my ovaries, and my pituitary. Am I looking for a quick fix, maybe, but it is all integrated. I know that there is an imbalance because of the physical symptoms I am experiencing. Supporting my body through the changes shouldn't be harmful. I"m not looking to reverse the change, but to find a way to make the transition a little smoother.
So here I am, floundering, trying to strike a balance. How does one find balance in today's world? With all of the expectations upon us, on our families, on our children, how do we find that healthy balance between a good thing and too much, between active and too busy, between giving to others and saving some for ourselves? It's about balance, and that balance isn't just within the body, but emotional and spiritual as well. I've been so focused on the physical and how things in my emotional and spiritual effect the physical, I haven't really looked at how to strike the balance for my other facets. Balance....
Monday, August 29, 2011
Bottomless Pit
I have no updates...its been a long weekend, and I am not breathing well :( I have been a bottomless pit this weekend. Started my period (again) and just ravenous. Even though my asthma is kicking up, I have managed not to need Prednisone, yet I am just eating everything in sight. We also had a weekend where we had pizza and McDonald's. This is highly unusual for us, but this weekend just lent itself to that. OH MY WORD...yuck ola!
On top of eating everything in sight, having poor food choices, I am not loosing weight even when I am working my butt off, I am feeling like why even try. Why keep going? My negative talk is telling me that I'll never be able to have enough will power and determination to actually get the weight off. That I am not ever going to get to where I want to be, so why even try? My body isn't good a building lean muscle, and I need that lean muscle to loose weight. It is obvious that cardio alone is not doing the job. Where am I going to find the time to put weight training in too? I barely have the time for cardio.
Yep, at the bottom of this bottomless pit is a pity party! Time to pull my boot straps up and keep going!
On top of eating everything in sight, having poor food choices, I am not loosing weight even when I am working my butt off, I am feeling like why even try. Why keep going? My negative talk is telling me that I'll never be able to have enough will power and determination to actually get the weight off. That I am not ever going to get to where I want to be, so why even try? My body isn't good a building lean muscle, and I need that lean muscle to loose weight. It is obvious that cardio alone is not doing the job. Where am I going to find the time to put weight training in too? I barely have the time for cardio.
Yep, at the bottom of this bottomless pit is a pity party! Time to pull my boot straps up and keep going!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Exercise
Update:
Weight 251.2 lbs
Net Cal: -649 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Well, I did not Wii last night. I also agitated my knee with the jogging yesterday. It is definitely sore with sharp pain when going up and down stairs. So, no jogging for me for awhile. I'm kind of bummed about that. It was interesting today though, I was watching a continuing education webinar on exercise and was impressed with the ways she presented some of the information.
The first thing that really struck me, why are you exercising? I really had to stop and think about this one. My first reaction is to look good for the wedding and my lover. Then my motto, to look better naked. Yet, my weight is not really changing, so what is keeping me engaged in exercising? To be healthy, well sure, but I always want to be healthy, or at least that is my intention, doesn't always work. I feel better, that's for sure! Right now I exercise because it allows me to be a more active and engaged partner and mother. All that I do is keep that going. Working to achieve a level of stability that is sustainable minus the regular "life" stuff. Exercise doesn't give happiness, but it does give peace of mind in a stressful and crazy world.
Another fact I didn't think about is that the "motor" for our bodies are our muscles. When we exercise, it increases our muscles demand for oxygen and this then tells our lungs to breath faster and our heart to pump faster. If you aren't breathing hard and sweating, then your body isn't working. Also by exercising, we empty the stored nutrients and leave room for the body to put new nutrients into the muscles. Along with this was the idea that if you are weight training, that you use the weights before doing any cardio. The rational is that weight training builds muscle, to build you need everything that your muscles have. If you start with cardio, those nutrients have already been used and are not available to build muscle. This is one reason why the muscles control metabolism.
The last thing that I took away was a validation of what my friend Dana told me, that to loose weight, 80% of the process is change in eating and diet and 20% is exercise. What I see is that a healthy diet that includes fats, carbs, and protein as well as making sure that I am eating few calories than my body wants, but enough to keep it running, then I will be successful.
Now how much of this do I believe? I don't know, I haven't had a chance to really look into these ideas. This webinar happended to have good timing. Provided me with some ideas to mull over.
Successes: Walked at lunch, kept my eating down
Barriers: none
Weight 251.2 lbs
Net Cal: -649 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Well, I did not Wii last night. I also agitated my knee with the jogging yesterday. It is definitely sore with sharp pain when going up and down stairs. So, no jogging for me for awhile. I'm kind of bummed about that. It was interesting today though, I was watching a continuing education webinar on exercise and was impressed with the ways she presented some of the information.
The first thing that really struck me, why are you exercising? I really had to stop and think about this one. My first reaction is to look good for the wedding and my lover. Then my motto, to look better naked. Yet, my weight is not really changing, so what is keeping me engaged in exercising? To be healthy, well sure, but I always want to be healthy, or at least that is my intention, doesn't always work. I feel better, that's for sure! Right now I exercise because it allows me to be a more active and engaged partner and mother. All that I do is keep that going. Working to achieve a level of stability that is sustainable minus the regular "life" stuff. Exercise doesn't give happiness, but it does give peace of mind in a stressful and crazy world.
Another fact I didn't think about is that the "motor" for our bodies are our muscles. When we exercise, it increases our muscles demand for oxygen and this then tells our lungs to breath faster and our heart to pump faster. If you aren't breathing hard and sweating, then your body isn't working. Also by exercising, we empty the stored nutrients and leave room for the body to put new nutrients into the muscles. Along with this was the idea that if you are weight training, that you use the weights before doing any cardio. The rational is that weight training builds muscle, to build you need everything that your muscles have. If you start with cardio, those nutrients have already been used and are not available to build muscle. This is one reason why the muscles control metabolism.
The last thing that I took away was a validation of what my friend Dana told me, that to loose weight, 80% of the process is change in eating and diet and 20% is exercise. What I see is that a healthy diet that includes fats, carbs, and protein as well as making sure that I am eating few calories than my body wants, but enough to keep it running, then I will be successful.
Now how much of this do I believe? I don't know, I haven't had a chance to really look into these ideas. This webinar happended to have good timing. Provided me with some ideas to mull over.
Successes: Walked at lunch, kept my eating down
Barriers: none
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Keep on Moving....
Update:
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -615 cal (over 2000 cal day :(
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, Wii fit 27 min last night,
It felt good to get on the Wii again last night. I played with the balance games and a couple of easy aerobic games. Since I am walking on a regular basis right now, I want to use the Wii to help work on my balance and core muscles. Today at lunch, I started doing a walk/jog combination. I kept my jogging portions down to a block or two each time, but it felt good to get some running in. There was a definite change in how much I was sweating when I got back to the office.
I am excited, Kat is trying out a free offer at a gym close by. If it works for her, I'll Wii while she is at the gym in the evenings. Kat has made a commitment to run a half marathon for the Cancer Society in May of 2012, so she is starting to train. I am hoping that she and Helen will be able to train together. Helen is a great long distance runner (for her age) and I think will be a great training buddy for Kat. Meanwhile Abigail and I will keep walking with spurts of jogging. My goal is for the kids and I to do the Shamrock Run 5k in March 2012 and the Starlight Run in June 2012. To succeed, both the children and I need to train. We can do a run/walk for both of these if needed.
So from here, I keep these goals in mind and move at whatever pace I can keep up and enjoy the journey.
Successes: Jog/walk
Barriers: Time
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -615 cal (over 2000 cal day :(
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, Wii fit 27 min last night,
It felt good to get on the Wii again last night. I played with the balance games and a couple of easy aerobic games. Since I am walking on a regular basis right now, I want to use the Wii to help work on my balance and core muscles. Today at lunch, I started doing a walk/jog combination. I kept my jogging portions down to a block or two each time, but it felt good to get some running in. There was a definite change in how much I was sweating when I got back to the office.
I am excited, Kat is trying out a free offer at a gym close by. If it works for her, I'll Wii while she is at the gym in the evenings. Kat has made a commitment to run a half marathon for the Cancer Society in May of 2012, so she is starting to train. I am hoping that she and Helen will be able to train together. Helen is a great long distance runner (for her age) and I think will be a great training buddy for Kat. Meanwhile Abigail and I will keep walking with spurts of jogging. My goal is for the kids and I to do the Shamrock Run 5k in March 2012 and the Starlight Run in June 2012. To succeed, both the children and I need to train. We can do a run/walk for both of these if needed.
So from here, I keep these goals in mind and move at whatever pace I can keep up and enjoy the journey.
Successes: Jog/walk
Barriers: Time
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Summer...Finally
Update:
Weight: I did not weight today. It was very hard!
Net Cal: - 722 cal. This my 4th day with my caloric intake less than 2000 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
Update:
Weight: 251.2 lbs
Net Cal: -798 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
Summer has finally arrived here in the Pacific Northwest. The sun is out, our temperatures are above 85, yet the fall breeze is present, the leaves are turning color, and the temperature drops at night. Like our weather, I wonder if I am a bit off and confused. I wrote earlier this week about changes that are coming. These changes bring a certain anxiety to go along with them. We don't know what the homework load will be like for the twins, will the weather hold for their soccer season, and the schedule ahead of us is one with very little space between the letters. There are also changes at work that are adding to the anxiety, as well as I am working on my own personal changes...it is overwhelming.
Then there is just the life things. Had a rough evening yesterday; the kids were in rare form with being disrespectful to all those around them. It made for a very long, very stressful night. I wanted to binge. Good news, we didn't have anything in the house for me to binge on. The urge was so strong that since I couldn't binge, I just broke down and emotionally vacated. My demons showed up again and it has been a fight to come back again.
So here we are with some beautiful weather, summer is finally here, and I am continuing to struggle. All my hopes for the summer, gone. Few actually completed. Am I disappointed, yes. There is another summer next year. A friend of mine put on my facebook wall that I am dedicated. That helped me realize that , yes, I am to myself. And to keep that commitment to myself, I keep going. I pat myself on the back for not binging, for fighting back to the surface, and for finding that the love and dedication I have to myself and my family continues to inspire me to move forward.
Successes: No binging, 5 days with less than 2000 calories
Barriers: Demons, depression
Weight: I did not weight today. It was very hard!
Net Cal: - 722 cal. This my 4th day with my caloric intake less than 2000 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
Update:
Weight: 251.2 lbs
Net Cal: -798 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
Summer has finally arrived here in the Pacific Northwest. The sun is out, our temperatures are above 85, yet the fall breeze is present, the leaves are turning color, and the temperature drops at night. Like our weather, I wonder if I am a bit off and confused. I wrote earlier this week about changes that are coming. These changes bring a certain anxiety to go along with them. We don't know what the homework load will be like for the twins, will the weather hold for their soccer season, and the schedule ahead of us is one with very little space between the letters. There are also changes at work that are adding to the anxiety, as well as I am working on my own personal changes...it is overwhelming.
Then there is just the life things. Had a rough evening yesterday; the kids were in rare form with being disrespectful to all those around them. It made for a very long, very stressful night. I wanted to binge. Good news, we didn't have anything in the house for me to binge on. The urge was so strong that since I couldn't binge, I just broke down and emotionally vacated. My demons showed up again and it has been a fight to come back again.
So here we are with some beautiful weather, summer is finally here, and I am continuing to struggle. All my hopes for the summer, gone. Few actually completed. Am I disappointed, yes. There is another summer next year. A friend of mine put on my facebook wall that I am dedicated. That helped me realize that , yes, I am to myself. And to keep that commitment to myself, I keep going. I pat myself on the back for not binging, for fighting back to the surface, and for finding that the love and dedication I have to myself and my family continues to inspire me to move forward.
Successes: No binging, 5 days with less than 2000 calories
Barriers: Demons, depression
Monday, August 22, 2011
Changes...
Update:
Weight: 252.6 lbs x 2 days
Net Cal: -1204 cal Sat, -1486 cal Sun
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walk to and from the Timbers game
Fall is always a time of change and I think that is one reason why I love fall so much. The leaves change color, the weather turns cooler, the nights start getting longer, and it is a time to pull in, cozy up with each other, and enjoy a cup of hot cocoa. I learned today that my friend and awesome team lead is moving on. Everything changes. She will be missed, but I am also very excited for her :) The children are getting ready to start 2nd grade. Soccer has started and Hebrew school won't be too far behind. The High Holy Days are almost upon us, and it is always a busy but celebratory time.
I've been listening to Sugarland a lot lately. There is a song, Very Last Country Song that seems to be really hitting home with me right now. Everything changes, nothing stays the same. For good or bad, there is no "stuck". There is always movement. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I look at the lack of actual weight loss and feel discouraged, yet if I am willing to see the changes I've made, I have a whole different outlook.
I am now walking at least 3-5 days per week. Because of this, I did not have any shortness of breath climbing the hill to the Japanese Gardens or walking up Burnside from Jeld-Wen field to 23rd street. I actually visualized myself starting to jog a bit. I don't know if I will follow through with that visualization because I have horrible knees. I am feeling stronger and find that even though I get exhausted, I am more engaged during the day.
I am eating better. This is evident in my labs. I am eating fewer calories and eating more fruits and veggies. My food choices are better. I have learned to not panic when I feel that I don't have access to food. I can't say that my relationship with food has changed, but it has become more honest and I'm more aware. I have also started to tackle my barrier to counting calories. I have bought a scale and at least once a day I weigh something I'm eating.
So even though my weight is not changing, I do see changes that are essential for weight loss. I am healthier regardless of what my weight is. I can only keep on the path and expect some side trips. Those side trips can be a wrong turn, or the hidden path to a wonderful sight that was just out of sight. So, to change and the continued journey, I go forth...
Successes: Walked at lunch, have continued to keep my caloric intake down below 2000
Barriers: tired
Weight: 252.6 lbs x 2 days
Net Cal: -1204 cal Sat, -1486 cal Sun
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walk to and from the Timbers game
Fall is always a time of change and I think that is one reason why I love fall so much. The leaves change color, the weather turns cooler, the nights start getting longer, and it is a time to pull in, cozy up with each other, and enjoy a cup of hot cocoa. I learned today that my friend and awesome team lead is moving on. Everything changes. She will be missed, but I am also very excited for her :) The children are getting ready to start 2nd grade. Soccer has started and Hebrew school won't be too far behind. The High Holy Days are almost upon us, and it is always a busy but celebratory time.
I've been listening to Sugarland a lot lately. There is a song, Very Last Country Song that seems to be really hitting home with me right now. Everything changes, nothing stays the same. For good or bad, there is no "stuck". There is always movement. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I look at the lack of actual weight loss and feel discouraged, yet if I am willing to see the changes I've made, I have a whole different outlook.
I am now walking at least 3-5 days per week. Because of this, I did not have any shortness of breath climbing the hill to the Japanese Gardens or walking up Burnside from Jeld-Wen field to 23rd street. I actually visualized myself starting to jog a bit. I don't know if I will follow through with that visualization because I have horrible knees. I am feeling stronger and find that even though I get exhausted, I am more engaged during the day.
I am eating better. This is evident in my labs. I am eating fewer calories and eating more fruits and veggies. My food choices are better. I have learned to not panic when I feel that I don't have access to food. I can't say that my relationship with food has changed, but it has become more honest and I'm more aware. I have also started to tackle my barrier to counting calories. I have bought a scale and at least once a day I weigh something I'm eating.
So even though my weight is not changing, I do see changes that are essential for weight loss. I am healthier regardless of what my weight is. I can only keep on the path and expect some side trips. Those side trips can be a wrong turn, or the hidden path to a wonderful sight that was just out of sight. So, to change and the continued journey, I go forth...
Successes: Walked at lunch, have continued to keep my caloric intake down below 2000
Barriers: tired
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Walking Day
Update:
Weight: 253.4 lbs
Net Cal: -816 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min, 45 min walk with the twins at the Beaver Creek trail, 55 min walk at the Japanese Gardens
I have done a lot of walking today. Nothing strenuous or that could be considered pushing myself, but just constant movement. It's been nice and I have to admit, it felt good not to hurt while walking. It was good to get the twins moving as well; though they got to play at the park yesterday too :)
I don't really have any insights today. Just kind of going with the flow. Working on my usual things, house work, kids, rest....
One thing I can say, enjoy your day!! Find that silver lining. I know it's hard, but if life gets to you, then life has won. I am trying to find all the positive in my life and make it apart of me and apart of my attitude of gratitude. I am so blessed and know that those around me are what make me blessed, so thank you to everyone, I do appreciate each and every one of you even if I'm not so good at saying so. My life is worth living because of you...Thank you!
Successes: Lots of walking!!
Barriers: Now I'm tired
Weight: 253.4 lbs
Net Cal: -816 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min, 45 min walk with the twins at the Beaver Creek trail, 55 min walk at the Japanese Gardens
I have done a lot of walking today. Nothing strenuous or that could be considered pushing myself, but just constant movement. It's been nice and I have to admit, it felt good not to hurt while walking. It was good to get the twins moving as well; though they got to play at the park yesterday too :)
I don't really have any insights today. Just kind of going with the flow. Working on my usual things, house work, kids, rest....
One thing I can say, enjoy your day!! Find that silver lining. I know it's hard, but if life gets to you, then life has won. I am trying to find all the positive in my life and make it apart of me and apart of my attitude of gratitude. I am so blessed and know that those around me are what make me blessed, so thank you to everyone, I do appreciate each and every one of you even if I'm not so good at saying so. My life is worth living because of you...Thank you!
Successes: Lots of walking!!
Barriers: Now I'm tired
Friday, August 19, 2011
Honesty
Update:
Weight: 253.4 lbs
Net Cal: -71 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min
Being aware of my barriers helps me see the pit falls, but doesn't mean that I have internalized or accepted those barriers. I have identified that I see counting calories as a barrier, yet, I can't seem to get past that barrier. I look at what I am eating and the choices I am making. I see an improvement in my food, yet, my caloric intake isn't changing and neither is my weight.
Now I do have to say, my exercise has decreased during the same period of time. I do not feel that there is a correlation between the change in diet and the decrease in exercise. I do see that I have had other barriers that have influenced my ability to move forward. My constant hormonal shifts with a period every other week, not sleeping well at night, getting home late in the evenings, ect. Now am I using these as an excuse or are they truly something that inhibits my ability to take care of me?
I'm not sure yet. What I do know, is I do need to change how I am looking at things. I need to be more open to the small successes I have made and stop looking for reasons to feel as though I am failing. So at this time I am looking at changing some of my habits:
Continue with attempting to get to bed earlier and get more sleep
Start weighing once a week (I will have trouble with this. Wanting to know what I weigh is obsessive with me)
Continue to work on the calorie barrier
Keep exercising-even just 3 times per week is a success
Be gentle with myself ( I have realized that while I don't feel as though I am beating myself up anymore, I am finding more subtle ways to tell myself I'm not doing it well or right)
Successes: I got up and made it to work and worked the whole day
Barriers: exhausted!
Weight: 253.4 lbs
Net Cal: -71 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min
Being aware of my barriers helps me see the pit falls, but doesn't mean that I have internalized or accepted those barriers. I have identified that I see counting calories as a barrier, yet, I can't seem to get past that barrier. I look at what I am eating and the choices I am making. I see an improvement in my food, yet, my caloric intake isn't changing and neither is my weight.
Now I do have to say, my exercise has decreased during the same period of time. I do not feel that there is a correlation between the change in diet and the decrease in exercise. I do see that I have had other barriers that have influenced my ability to move forward. My constant hormonal shifts with a period every other week, not sleeping well at night, getting home late in the evenings, ect. Now am I using these as an excuse or are they truly something that inhibits my ability to take care of me?
I'm not sure yet. What I do know, is I do need to change how I am looking at things. I need to be more open to the small successes I have made and stop looking for reasons to feel as though I am failing. So at this time I am looking at changing some of my habits:
Continue with attempting to get to bed earlier and get more sleep
Start weighing once a week (I will have trouble with this. Wanting to know what I weigh is obsessive with me)
Continue to work on the calorie barrier
Keep exercising-even just 3 times per week is a success
Be gentle with myself ( I have realized that while I don't feel as though I am beating myself up anymore, I am finding more subtle ways to tell myself I'm not doing it well or right)
Successes: I got up and made it to work and worked the whole day
Barriers: exhausted!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Musings
Update:
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: -487 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min
I did not get to sleep last night before midnight. I thought it was because of a doctor's appointment I had today. Then as I think about it, it wasn't the doctor's appointment, it was the news that Uncle Roy had died.
Now, I haven't seen my Great Uncle Roy since my Granddaddy's funeral in 1986. I've spoken with his wife, Aunt Sarah, off and on over the last 25 yrs, but again, have not gone back to visit. So as I was trying to sleep, childhood memories of being with Aunt Sarah, Uncle Roy, Uncle Marion, Aunt Lolitta, Granddaddy, Morris, started floating back. Then I was thinking about my Dad's parents and how I miss Grandmother and Granddad and what their house meant to me. Of that generation, my Grandma on my Mom's side and her sister, Aunt Sarah are all that is left. All the other Great Aunts and Great Uncles and Grandparents have passed.
We never lived close to either side. My Mom's people were in South Carolina and my Dad's were in Arkansas. I feel as though I have spent more time w/ my Mom's side of the family. I feel close to both my Uncles and Aunts. On my Dad's side, I feel closest with my Aunt and really don't know my other Uncles/Aunts or cousins.
Just my musings for the day....time for me to get some sleep.
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: -487 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min
I did not get to sleep last night before midnight. I thought it was because of a doctor's appointment I had today. Then as I think about it, it wasn't the doctor's appointment, it was the news that Uncle Roy had died.
Now, I haven't seen my Great Uncle Roy since my Granddaddy's funeral in 1986. I've spoken with his wife, Aunt Sarah, off and on over the last 25 yrs, but again, have not gone back to visit. So as I was trying to sleep, childhood memories of being with Aunt Sarah, Uncle Roy, Uncle Marion, Aunt Lolitta, Granddaddy, Morris, started floating back. Then I was thinking about my Dad's parents and how I miss Grandmother and Granddad and what their house meant to me. Of that generation, my Grandma on my Mom's side and her sister, Aunt Sarah are all that is left. All the other Great Aunts and Great Uncles and Grandparents have passed.
We never lived close to either side. My Mom's people were in South Carolina and my Dad's were in Arkansas. I feel as though I have spent more time w/ my Mom's side of the family. I feel close to both my Uncles and Aunts. On my Dad's side, I feel closest with my Aunt and really don't know my other Uncles/Aunts or cousins.
Just my musings for the day....time for me to get some sleep.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The best laid plans of connells' and twins....
Update:
Weight: 252.2 lbs
Net Cal. -915 Cal (first day under 2000 cal :)
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
I know that today and tomorrow, I'm not going to get my walk in and I am bummed. With the kids' evening routines and our attempts to get to bed on time, it makes it hard to get a walk in after I get home. So I depend on my lunch hour. Each week I have to get my allergy shot which takes 30 minutes of my 60 min lunch. This week, I also have an appointment with they Gynecologist and will be using my lunch hour for that.
So the prospect of not walking is not one that I find comforting. I can say, I hope to Wii either tonight or tomorrow night. Start some core strength building. Yet, I know that as much as I want to, it seems that getting the kids home and to bed on time is the priority, as it should be, but once they are in bed its just Kat and me. I usually do the dishes, Kat helps me make the kids lunches, I help with the laundry, walk the dogs, and any other project that we need to look at. Sometimes we are done by 8 pm others not until 9 pm.
So, trying to find time and energy to follow up on days I don't walk seems a bit daunting and I'd rather not try. Maybe if I actually get to bed on time tonight, I will feel differently tomorrow.
Successes: made eggs for breakfast, not really hungry today
Barriers: did not walk, tired this evening
Weight: 252.2 lbs
Net Cal. -915 Cal (first day under 2000 cal :)
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
I know that today and tomorrow, I'm not going to get my walk in and I am bummed. With the kids' evening routines and our attempts to get to bed on time, it makes it hard to get a walk in after I get home. So I depend on my lunch hour. Each week I have to get my allergy shot which takes 30 minutes of my 60 min lunch. This week, I also have an appointment with they Gynecologist and will be using my lunch hour for that.
So the prospect of not walking is not one that I find comforting. I can say, I hope to Wii either tonight or tomorrow night. Start some core strength building. Yet, I know that as much as I want to, it seems that getting the kids home and to bed on time is the priority, as it should be, but once they are in bed its just Kat and me. I usually do the dishes, Kat helps me make the kids lunches, I help with the laundry, walk the dogs, and any other project that we need to look at. Sometimes we are done by 8 pm others not until 9 pm.
So, trying to find time and energy to follow up on days I don't walk seems a bit daunting and I'd rather not try. Maybe if I actually get to bed on time tonight, I will feel differently tomorrow.
Successes: made eggs for breakfast, not really hungry today
Barriers: did not walk, tired this evening
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
On the move...
Update:
Weight: 252.2 lbs
Net Cal: -307 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 40 min walk at lunch
Well, I didn't get to bed quite at the time I wanted last night. Lights were out by 10:00 pm; half an hour late. Then I had to get up early, so I am a bit tired this morning. Also, Mondays I pick up the twins from my sister's place in Forest Grove, so we don't get home until late. So, no Wii last night :(
Tonight will be another later evening, the girls start soccer. I am looking forward to seeing the girls in their soccer gear and having them really experience field soccer. This transitional time between summer and the beginning of school is always tricky and busy. Usually we are gearing up for the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur); luckily this year the High Holy Days are at the end of September, beginning of October :)
My second day of salad, fruit, and protein bar seems to be a success. I also have stir fry for lunch. Even though I feel tired, I have to admit, it isn't that bone weary tired that I get. So here I am, 2 days in a row of feeling descent.
On my walk today, it was sunny, warm, listened to Sugarland the whole way. I saw seniors walking and gardening, young adults reading under trees on the bluff, remnants of chalk art by young children, and what symbolizes the idyllic Portland life. Old homes, quiet streets, lots of vegetation. This is the type of space that I want to build for myself and the family. Finding a way to make it happen will be the challenge as always, but I already have ideas of how I may be able to accomplish some of this.
Successes: Walked at lunch, feeling good for a second day
Barriers: Hungry, wanting to eat
Weight: 252.2 lbs
Net Cal: -307 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 40 min walk at lunch
Well, I didn't get to bed quite at the time I wanted last night. Lights were out by 10:00 pm; half an hour late. Then I had to get up early, so I am a bit tired this morning. Also, Mondays I pick up the twins from my sister's place in Forest Grove, so we don't get home until late. So, no Wii last night :(
Tonight will be another later evening, the girls start soccer. I am looking forward to seeing the girls in their soccer gear and having them really experience field soccer. This transitional time between summer and the beginning of school is always tricky and busy. Usually we are gearing up for the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur); luckily this year the High Holy Days are at the end of September, beginning of October :)
My second day of salad, fruit, and protein bar seems to be a success. I also have stir fry for lunch. Even though I feel tired, I have to admit, it isn't that bone weary tired that I get. So here I am, 2 days in a row of feeling descent.
On my walk today, it was sunny, warm, listened to Sugarland the whole way. I saw seniors walking and gardening, young adults reading under trees on the bluff, remnants of chalk art by young children, and what symbolizes the idyllic Portland life. Old homes, quiet streets, lots of vegetation. This is the type of space that I want to build for myself and the family. Finding a way to make it happen will be the challenge as always, but I already have ideas of how I may be able to accomplish some of this.
Successes: Walked at lunch, feeling good for a second day
Barriers: Hungry, wanting to eat
Monday, August 15, 2011
On an energizer high
Update:
Weight: 251.6 lbs
Net Cal: did not measure
Exercise: walk the dog 10 min x 2, 36 min walk at lunch (thanks Lynn!)
I am feeling good this morning! Kat and I did not watch TV last night, instead we played 100 pin bowling on the Wii. I was in bed with the lights out by 9:40 pm and up at 6:30 am. Took a shower this morning vs. a bath. All in all a good morning.
I am moving away from my trail mix in the mornings. Instead I am trying a protein bar. There are 180 calories, 18 GMs of carbs, and 19 GMs of protien. We'll see if it works. I am finding that I sit at my desk and think about when I get to eat; even when I'm not hungry. For whatever reason, I am feeling nauseated most mornings these days. This is regardless of if I eat or not or what I eat.
I am wanting to work with the girls so that we can do the Shamrock run/walk in March of next year. Most of their training will be on the weekends. We just don't have the time to go for a walk in the evenings after we get home. I hope to really make this goal. I won't run it, that much is for sure. Even when my weight is down, I am not a runner. I am hoping though, that the girls will be able to join me in the walk. I know Kat is starting to train for a half marathon next May. One of the races she is working up to will be the Shamrock 5K. I think Helen would be a great running partner for Kat, but I think for the first 5K it will be good for Kat to go it alone.
Working on our goals together is a good thing, but it can be very hard not to discourage each other at times too. I know that my doubts about myself get projected onto Kat at times. It doesn't help that we both have the same tendency to get revved up and motivated then allow something to derail our efforts. So it isn't a lack of support and love that gets in the way, but my own doubts and negative feelings about myself that taint how I view Kat's efforts. But, when we are both motivated, we are a force to be reckoned with.
I am feeling very good today :) I slept well, walked at lunch, and feel energized. I am going to enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts. I know there are people who feel this way most of the time. I am hoping that I will be able to feel this energy more often and for longer periods of time. I am still basically carrying the same weight as if I was carrying around both twins. Baby steps :)
Successes: Walked at lunch, brought salad and fruit for snacks, got to bed and lights out at 9:40 pm last night, good mood today, energized.
Barriers: Today I feel as though nothing can stop me for succeeding at my goals.
Weight: 251.6 lbs
Net Cal: did not measure
Exercise: walk the dog 10 min x 2, 36 min walk at lunch (thanks Lynn!)
I am feeling good this morning! Kat and I did not watch TV last night, instead we played 100 pin bowling on the Wii. I was in bed with the lights out by 9:40 pm and up at 6:30 am. Took a shower this morning vs. a bath. All in all a good morning.
I am moving away from my trail mix in the mornings. Instead I am trying a protein bar. There are 180 calories, 18 GMs of carbs, and 19 GMs of protien. We'll see if it works. I am finding that I sit at my desk and think about when I get to eat; even when I'm not hungry. For whatever reason, I am feeling nauseated most mornings these days. This is regardless of if I eat or not or what I eat.
I am wanting to work with the girls so that we can do the Shamrock run/walk in March of next year. Most of their training will be on the weekends. We just don't have the time to go for a walk in the evenings after we get home. I hope to really make this goal. I won't run it, that much is for sure. Even when my weight is down, I am not a runner. I am hoping though, that the girls will be able to join me in the walk. I know Kat is starting to train for a half marathon next May. One of the races she is working up to will be the Shamrock 5K. I think Helen would be a great running partner for Kat, but I think for the first 5K it will be good for Kat to go it alone.
Working on our goals together is a good thing, but it can be very hard not to discourage each other at times too. I know that my doubts about myself get projected onto Kat at times. It doesn't help that we both have the same tendency to get revved up and motivated then allow something to derail our efforts. So it isn't a lack of support and love that gets in the way, but my own doubts and negative feelings about myself that taint how I view Kat's efforts. But, when we are both motivated, we are a force to be reckoned with.
I am feeling very good today :) I slept well, walked at lunch, and feel energized. I am going to enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts. I know there are people who feel this way most of the time. I am hoping that I will be able to feel this energy more often and for longer periods of time. I am still basically carrying the same weight as if I was carrying around both twins. Baby steps :)
Successes: Walked at lunch, brought salad and fruit for snacks, got to bed and lights out at 9:40 pm last night, good mood today, energized.
Barriers: Today I feel as though nothing can stop me for succeeding at my goals.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Life enters in...
Update:
Weight: 252.6 lbs
Net Cal: No idea
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, grocery shopping x 120 min
Life has butted in to my blogging time. It has been a busy but wonderful weekend. We went to the Enchanted Forest, outside of Salem. We walked for a couple of hours around the park. Enjoyed playing with the kids and just having family time. On the way home, we stopped to buy the girls their cleats for soccer. Had dinner at Chang's Mongolian Grill; went to Target and finished their school supply shopping. Finally got home and all 4 of us were tired. Today was seeing the in-laws, grocery shopping, and house cleaning. This is the first time I felt like I could take time for me and write.
It was a great weekend. I am feeling hopeful, energized to keep working on myself, and looking forward to fall and all that comes with it (sorry Christy). I have been feeling out what goals I'd like to work on over the next couple of months. Feeling where the barriers are, what I can do to remove those barriers, and also looking at what baby step I can take to success. A woman on the KP walk wall posted that over 18 yrs she had lost 75 lbs. I KNOW that it takes years to put on the weight, so it will take years to take it off. I FEEL as though I should be able to do it overnight.
So here is a few things I am feeling will be goals:
Using smaller plates/bowls and one serving: I have already started to do this, but am finding that I am still hungry so I go back for more. In the end, I am eating the same amount or more.
Leaving food on your plate at the end of a meal: I tried this last night. We went to Chang's and I rarely get a lot of food anyway, but at the end of the meal, I was able to leave some on my plate. I was sated. Now to be clear, I use one bowl, all veggies and tofu with a small helping of noodles and the bowl is not overflowing.
Getting to bed and going to sleep by 9:30: My goal is to get to bed earlier so that I can begin to get up earlier and work on the Wii. Fatigue is what keeps me in bed, but also, I try to wait for Kat and she is a night owl. So most nights, I go to bed at 11:30 or midnight. Which getting up at 6:30 works, but if I want to start getting up at 5:30, I need to really change my sleeping habits. So this is a baby step to my ultimate goal of an earlier rise time.
Find time to make foods that are good for me: In the evening I am tired. On the weekends, I'm busy. So I need to begin to find time to make a salad for lunch the next day, bake gluten free bread, to really take the time to take care of me. This will be a challenge, finding time period is difficult, but I need to keep in mind, its for me.
Taking care of me is so hard when I am so fatigued and life goes careening out of control. I need more time in the day and more energy. Once I sit down at night, that's all there is, I'm done. I've caught myself watching more TV lately and not really sure how I feel about it. What I do know, is I need to put down Angry Birds at night, pick up a book, and sleep.
Successes: Lots of walking, left food on my plate after dinner Saturday night
Barriers: slept late, fatigued, just finding time for me
There are a few things that I have been trying over the weekend.
Weight: 252.6 lbs
Net Cal: No idea
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, grocery shopping x 120 min
Life has butted in to my blogging time. It has been a busy but wonderful weekend. We went to the Enchanted Forest, outside of Salem. We walked for a couple of hours around the park. Enjoyed playing with the kids and just having family time. On the way home, we stopped to buy the girls their cleats for soccer. Had dinner at Chang's Mongolian Grill; went to Target and finished their school supply shopping. Finally got home and all 4 of us were tired. Today was seeing the in-laws, grocery shopping, and house cleaning. This is the first time I felt like I could take time for me and write.
It was a great weekend. I am feeling hopeful, energized to keep working on myself, and looking forward to fall and all that comes with it (sorry Christy). I have been feeling out what goals I'd like to work on over the next couple of months. Feeling where the barriers are, what I can do to remove those barriers, and also looking at what baby step I can take to success. A woman on the KP walk wall posted that over 18 yrs she had lost 75 lbs. I KNOW that it takes years to put on the weight, so it will take years to take it off. I FEEL as though I should be able to do it overnight.
So here is a few things I am feeling will be goals:
Using smaller plates/bowls and one serving: I have already started to do this, but am finding that I am still hungry so I go back for more. In the end, I am eating the same amount or more.
Leaving food on your plate at the end of a meal: I tried this last night. We went to Chang's and I rarely get a lot of food anyway, but at the end of the meal, I was able to leave some on my plate. I was sated. Now to be clear, I use one bowl, all veggies and tofu with a small helping of noodles and the bowl is not overflowing.
Getting to bed and going to sleep by 9:30: My goal is to get to bed earlier so that I can begin to get up earlier and work on the Wii. Fatigue is what keeps me in bed, but also, I try to wait for Kat and she is a night owl. So most nights, I go to bed at 11:30 or midnight. Which getting up at 6:30 works, but if I want to start getting up at 5:30, I need to really change my sleeping habits. So this is a baby step to my ultimate goal of an earlier rise time.
Find time to make foods that are good for me: In the evening I am tired. On the weekends, I'm busy. So I need to begin to find time to make a salad for lunch the next day, bake gluten free bread, to really take the time to take care of me. This will be a challenge, finding time period is difficult, but I need to keep in mind, its for me.
Taking care of me is so hard when I am so fatigued and life goes careening out of control. I need more time in the day and more energy. Once I sit down at night, that's all there is, I'm done. I've caught myself watching more TV lately and not really sure how I feel about it. What I do know, is I need to put down Angry Birds at night, pick up a book, and sleep.
Successes: Lots of walking, left food on my plate after dinner Saturday night
Barriers: slept late, fatigued, just finding time for me
There are a few things that I have been trying over the weekend.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Out of Control
Update:
Weight: 255.6 lbs
Net Cal: -13
Waist: 50 1/2 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walking
It has been an out of control few days. Last night as I was driving home from Forest Grove with the twins, I had a visualization of Kat's and my wedding this time next year. My mind's image of how beautiful she will be and the love that I feel for her. That image pulled me out of whatever funk enough that I feel I can keep going.
So I am renewed and re-energized. Interestingly, the Torah Portion for this Shabbat looks a this. The following is taken from a weekly email that our Rabbi Ariel Stone sends out each Friday before the start of Shabbat:
There are times when we feel that, sure, we've made mistakes and we feel badly about them, but sometimes suffering seems all out of proportion to events. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when life is full of events that seem at best, bad luck, and at worst, as if a dark cloud of bad karma has settled over one's head.
This Shabbat's tefilah encourages you to keep your chin up when you're feeling discouraged. God is still with us, as the prophet proclaims; in our own modern language, we say: hold on to each other, and hold on to our belief that what we are doing - what we are as a community, and what we build - still matters. Every good act matters, and makes a difference. Every spark lights up a bit of what would otherwise be unrelieved darkness. And you and I, with every small, healing act, relieve the darkness of suffering and sadness.
When we are overwhelmed and unsure of what to hold on to, this week's parashah comes to teach us. Parashat Va'Etkhanan includes the most famous line in the Torah: the Shema. As well, it reviews the Aseret Dibrot, the Ten Words we heard at Mt. Sinai. Here we are reminded that all you need is a one-line mantra to repeat, the Shema, and Ten Words to focus all our own words, and acts, upon. All the rest is commentary, as the ancient Rabbi Hillel said - go and learn it.
Jews are consoled by losing ourselves in learning. This Shabbat, consider what you have learned about life this week, and how it has helped you.
shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Ariel
Wow, for me, at this time, this is so powerful. What have I learned about life this week? Has it helped me? I've learned that I can be a real Bitch! That no matter how cranky and grouchy I get, I am still loved and lovable.
I felt like I was crawling out of my skin; I wasn't me (or at least what I perceive as me). Yet, Kat and our girls continued to show how much they love me. They didn't reject my "dark" side. I have to admit, I don't think they embraced it either :)
I learned this week, that I am falling into old patterns and relationship habits. These patterns also lead to feelings of depression and self depreciation. Luckily I have a wonderful woman who is patient as I work on leaving those old habits behind and move forward into a new life of communication.
Successes: walked at lunch, watched what I ate at lunch even though I was hungry
Barriers: Still having hormonal swings, feeling ravenous
Weight: 255.6 lbs
Net Cal: -13
Waist: 50 1/2 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walking
It has been an out of control few days. Last night as I was driving home from Forest Grove with the twins, I had a visualization of Kat's and my wedding this time next year. My mind's image of how beautiful she will be and the love that I feel for her. That image pulled me out of whatever funk enough that I feel I can keep going.
So I am renewed and re-energized. Interestingly, the Torah Portion for this Shabbat looks a this. The following is taken from a weekly email that our Rabbi Ariel Stone sends out each Friday before the start of Shabbat:
There are times when we feel that, sure, we've made mistakes and we feel badly about them, but sometimes suffering seems all out of proportion to events. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when life is full of events that seem at best, bad luck, and at worst, as if a dark cloud of bad karma has settled over one's head.
This Shabbat's tefilah encourages you to keep your chin up when you're feeling discouraged. God is still with us, as the prophet proclaims; in our own modern language, we say: hold on to each other, and hold on to our belief that what we are doing - what we are as a community, and what we build - still matters. Every good act matters, and makes a difference. Every spark lights up a bit of what would otherwise be unrelieved darkness. And you and I, with every small, healing act, relieve the darkness of suffering and sadness.
When we are overwhelmed and unsure of what to hold on to, this week's parashah comes to teach us. Parashat Va'Etkhanan includes the most famous line in the Torah: the Shema. As well, it reviews the Aseret Dibrot, the Ten Words we heard at Mt. Sinai. Here we are reminded that all you need is a one-line mantra to repeat, the Shema, and Ten Words to focus all our own words, and acts, upon. All the rest is commentary, as the ancient Rabbi Hillel said - go and learn it.
Jews are consoled by losing ourselves in learning. This Shabbat, consider what you have learned about life this week, and how it has helped you.
shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Ariel
Wow, for me, at this time, this is so powerful. What have I learned about life this week? Has it helped me? I've learned that I can be a real Bitch! That no matter how cranky and grouchy I get, I am still loved and lovable.
I felt like I was crawling out of my skin; I wasn't me (or at least what I perceive as me). Yet, Kat and our girls continued to show how much they love me. They didn't reject my "dark" side. I have to admit, I don't think they embraced it either :)
I learned this week, that I am falling into old patterns and relationship habits. These patterns also lead to feelings of depression and self depreciation. Luckily I have a wonderful woman who is patient as I work on leaving those old habits behind and move forward into a new life of communication.
Successes: walked at lunch, watched what I ate at lunch even though I was hungry
Barriers: Still having hormonal swings, feeling ravenous
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
CAN'T STOP EATING!
Update:
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: +30
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
I can't seem to stop eating today. I just want to munch. I am actually feeling nauseated by all the munching I've been doing in the few hours I have been up. I am feeling all kind of screwed up today :( Not doing a real good job of keeping in control today. I don't know how to describe it other than all I can think about is eating...not food, eating. I have the need to have something in my mouth.
I don't chew gum, I am drinking plenty of fluids, but I have a need to eat. That being said, I am going back to bed.
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: +30
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
I can't seem to stop eating today. I just want to munch. I am actually feeling nauseated by all the munching I've been doing in the few hours I have been up. I am feeling all kind of screwed up today :( Not doing a real good job of keeping in control today. I don't know how to describe it other than all I can think about is eating...not food, eating. I have the need to have something in my mouth.
I don't chew gum, I am drinking plenty of fluids, but I have a need to eat. That being said, I am going back to bed.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Rationalization
Update:
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: -493 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
So here I am, still bouncing around in the same 2-4 lb area. I was looking at the graph of my intake and output and it appears to that it averages out to where the net is almost 0. I feel that I am working and changing diet and exercise routines. Trying to be consistent. What do I do? How can I get more exercise in and how do I eat with fewer calories?
I have started using a smaller plate to assist with portion control. We have also bought some smaller bowls for the same reason. While this combined with the weighing of my food is helping, I am finding myself hungry and wanting to eat.
I found myself sitting in my office today, stomach growling and all snacks and lunch eaten. I didn't take any less food than usual, yet the rumbly in my tumbly is going like a cat purring. I was thinking, I have to drive to Forest Grove, which means I don't get to eat for another 3 hrs. I realized that I was rationalizing my hunger and desire to go to the vending machine (which I haven't done in months). The good news is that I did not go to the vending machine and I was able to drive to Forest Grove and back home without any problems :)
So here I am at the end of my day and I am musing about why I try to rationalize my behaviors, make my unhealthy habits ok. The only thing I can come up with is that I am not as ready to change as I would like to think I am. That while my head says "yeah, let's do this!" My psyche says, "whoa, not sure I'm ready to let go of my defense mechanism yet" The solution, to continue to practice different coping mechanisms so I don't have to use food and my weight.
Successes: Did not go to the vending machine
Barriers: Rumbly Tumbly
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: -493 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
So here I am, still bouncing around in the same 2-4 lb area. I was looking at the graph of my intake and output and it appears to that it averages out to where the net is almost 0. I feel that I am working and changing diet and exercise routines. Trying to be consistent. What do I do? How can I get more exercise in and how do I eat with fewer calories?
I have started using a smaller plate to assist with portion control. We have also bought some smaller bowls for the same reason. While this combined with the weighing of my food is helping, I am finding myself hungry and wanting to eat.
I found myself sitting in my office today, stomach growling and all snacks and lunch eaten. I didn't take any less food than usual, yet the rumbly in my tumbly is going like a cat purring. I was thinking, I have to drive to Forest Grove, which means I don't get to eat for another 3 hrs. I realized that I was rationalizing my hunger and desire to go to the vending machine (which I haven't done in months). The good news is that I did not go to the vending machine and I was able to drive to Forest Grove and back home without any problems :)
So here I am at the end of my day and I am musing about why I try to rationalize my behaviors, make my unhealthy habits ok. The only thing I can come up with is that I am not as ready to change as I would like to think I am. That while my head says "yeah, let's do this!" My psyche says, "whoa, not sure I'm ready to let go of my defense mechanism yet" The solution, to continue to practice different coping mechanisms so I don't have to use food and my weight.
Successes: Did not go to the vending machine
Barriers: Rumbly Tumbly
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Trying to chill
Update:
Weight: 252.8 lbs
Net Cal: +310 cal
Exercise: walk dogs 10 min x2, grocery shopping 120 min,
Saturday!! Went by very quickly! Shopping with the twins, nap, then dinner and games with a friend. That being said, it is no longer Saturday :)
Update:
Weight: 250.0 lbs
Net Cal: + 236 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Wow! Slept in til noon! Not typical for me. I guess I was really tired and needed the rest. Needless to say, the dogs' were complaining that their little bladders were going to burst.
I have a whole day to do nothing! OK, now half of a day to do nothing. Woke up famished, so I had breakfast and a snack. Looking forward to getting out and geocaching with the girls and the dogs this afternoon. We haven't cached in quite a while, so we are all ready for the adventure.
All in all I am in a good mood. Felt horrid yesterday. Lots of cramping. This effects my back (thanks to back labor with the twins) as well as the normal cramping. It did make for a long day. So, knowing that I am going to get to geocaching I am focused on that. The Game is a Foot!
Looked for 3 and didn't find any of them :( Guess I am little rusty. Once I got home, I fell asleep and Kat let me sleep for another 3 hrs. I feel guilty for sleeping. I also feel very lucky that Kat is not the type of person to try to make me feel even guiltier for sleeping during the day. Both of us say, I guess I needed the sleep. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight.
Successes: Enjoyed the weekend, kept the weekend low key, geocached today
Barriers: feelings of guilt for napping
Weight: 252.8 lbs
Net Cal: +310 cal
Exercise: walk dogs 10 min x2, grocery shopping 120 min,
Saturday!! Went by very quickly! Shopping with the twins, nap, then dinner and games with a friend. That being said, it is no longer Saturday :)
Update:
Weight: 250.0 lbs
Net Cal: + 236 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Wow! Slept in til noon! Not typical for me. I guess I was really tired and needed the rest. Needless to say, the dogs' were complaining that their little bladders were going to burst.
I have a whole day to do nothing! OK, now half of a day to do nothing. Woke up famished, so I had breakfast and a snack. Looking forward to getting out and geocaching with the girls and the dogs this afternoon. We haven't cached in quite a while, so we are all ready for the adventure.
All in all I am in a good mood. Felt horrid yesterday. Lots of cramping. This effects my back (thanks to back labor with the twins) as well as the normal cramping. It did make for a long day. So, knowing that I am going to get to geocaching I am focused on that. The Game is a Foot!
Looked for 3 and didn't find any of them :( Guess I am little rusty. Once I got home, I fell asleep and Kat let me sleep for another 3 hrs. I feel guilty for sleeping. I also feel very lucky that Kat is not the type of person to try to make me feel even guiltier for sleeping during the day. Both of us say, I guess I needed the sleep. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight.
Successes: Enjoyed the weekend, kept the weekend low key, geocached today
Barriers: feelings of guilt for napping
Friday, August 5, 2011
The ups and downs...
Update:
Weight: 252.8 lbs
Net Cal: +30
Waist: 50 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Boy, kind of a emotional roller coaster today. While at work this morning, I had this overwhelming need to cry. I have to say, I was taken a back by it. One of my friends says she thinks it may be a combination of stress from being strong and hormonal shifts. She may be right, I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant. There may another componant as well, that by working on my weight and making it a daily thought, I am brining up feelings that have been hidden for decades.
While it is good to know where the feelings originated, it doesn't change the fact that I have to deal with them at this moment. At this moment I feel like I am coming out of my skin, I'm teary, I don't feel rational, I'm irritable, and I don't recognize this person.
Being aware of my roller coaster I hope that I will be able to lessen the impact on my emotional state. Of course I am also concerned on how this state will effect my wife and children. Again I see a potential for the cycle of shame. No matter what, I am responsible for my behaivor, good and bad. So if I am a bitch, then I feel ashamed that I treated my wife, kids, friends, co-workers ect in a bad way. Then I start to berate myself, the negative talk starts, and then I'm back into not exercising, not watching what I eat, and I will gain the 10 lbs. I have lost plus more.
For today, it is trying to cope with feeling hungry and walking away from the food.
Successes: Walked at lunch, shorts that were tight fit nicely now.
Barriers: Hungry, emotional
Weight: 252.8 lbs
Net Cal: +30
Waist: 50 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Boy, kind of a emotional roller coaster today. While at work this morning, I had this overwhelming need to cry. I have to say, I was taken a back by it. One of my friends says she thinks it may be a combination of stress from being strong and hormonal shifts. She may be right, I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant. There may another componant as well, that by working on my weight and making it a daily thought, I am brining up feelings that have been hidden for decades.
While it is good to know where the feelings originated, it doesn't change the fact that I have to deal with them at this moment. At this moment I feel like I am coming out of my skin, I'm teary, I don't feel rational, I'm irritable, and I don't recognize this person.
Being aware of my roller coaster I hope that I will be able to lessen the impact on my emotional state. Of course I am also concerned on how this state will effect my wife and children. Again I see a potential for the cycle of shame. No matter what, I am responsible for my behaivor, good and bad. So if I am a bitch, then I feel ashamed that I treated my wife, kids, friends, co-workers ect in a bad way. Then I start to berate myself, the negative talk starts, and then I'm back into not exercising, not watching what I eat, and I will gain the 10 lbs. I have lost plus more.
For today, it is trying to cope with feeling hungry and walking away from the food.
Successes: Walked at lunch, shorts that were tight fit nicely now.
Barriers: Hungry, emotional
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Hunger
Update:
Weight 253.8 lbs
Net Cal: +295
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 minutes, 35 min walk at lunch
I am feeling very hungry today. It is always so hard to deal with the rumbling of my stomach. It also doesn't help that I have been thrown out of my routine. I usually do not eat much bread, but in the last couple of weeks, I have eaten more sandwiches than usual. We also don't eat out much, again, in the last couple of weeks we have eaten out more than usual. Knowing this, I am surprised that I haven't increased my weight.
When I get stress hungry, I munch on crunchy stuff; but not just any crunchy stuff, but carb crunchy stuff. I am pretty sure that my hunger is a combination of stress hunger and menstrual hunger. I was looking at the graph of my weight for the last month. I started monitoring right as I ended my period in the middle of July. I see a pattern. Unfortunately, since I had a period 2 weeks later, I again had the same weight fluctuation, but not quite as drastic. It will be interesting to see if I have another period in a short time and to see if the pattern continues.
I can say, my clothes continue to get loose. I may not be loosing weight but my clothing, shirts in particular, are beginning to hang differently. My shorts are fitting looser as well around the thigh. I know that I am toning up which is important. I am getting more definition in my legs and arms. I keep thinking about how I want to look for our wedding next year. I also have hung a picture of myself from 1996 when I was around 160 lbs to show me that I have been there. These are ways for me to stay motivated without the obsessive control that I get into.
I am seeing signs that I am feeling better about my body. Kat read that coconut oil helps with acne and dry skin, so she bought some. I am applying it daily; this is a very unusual practice for me. I don't preen unless I am feeling good. Like many depressives, actual body care is not my priority. So the fact that I used Kat's new face electric razor to trim my chin hairs and then this morning put on the eye brow attachment in an effort to thin out my unibrow (lets just say I now have a dotted line rather than a unibrow) tells me that I am feeling better about myself. I am beginning to feel like I want to spiff myself up for Kat, and for me.
One issue though of me spiffing up is that I like wearing masculine clothing. I like wearing button down shirts with ties. While I am comfortable being me at home and in the LGBT community, I still am nervous dressing this way in the general public or with family. The thing is, wearing the masculine clothing I feel like I look good. I feel attractive and I have a confidence in myself that really shows through. So by staying fat, I don't have to worry about this issue. I don't want to look good so I don't wear the clothing I really like and therefore don't have to deal with the negative comments, looks, or jabs. Again, I stay safe by being fat.
I have challenged the status quo time and again whether or not I wanted to. I try to avoid it, but in the end, I have to stand up and do the right thing. So I guess I just have to accept that I will get comments, looks, and jabs, but in the end I am being true to me and feeling good about myself. I do hope that those who I encounter that do have an issue with the way I dress will take the opportunity to get to know me and realize that my freak flag isn't any different then their freak flag.
Successes: Lunch walk! Thanks Lynn! Shirts are feeling looser as well as the thighs of my pants/shorts/boxers. I actually look tan ;)
Barriers: HUNGRY!! Anxiety about going home and munching. Questioning of myself about will I truly change.
Weight 253.8 lbs
Net Cal: +295
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 minutes, 35 min walk at lunch
I am feeling very hungry today. It is always so hard to deal with the rumbling of my stomach. It also doesn't help that I have been thrown out of my routine. I usually do not eat much bread, but in the last couple of weeks, I have eaten more sandwiches than usual. We also don't eat out much, again, in the last couple of weeks we have eaten out more than usual. Knowing this, I am surprised that I haven't increased my weight.
When I get stress hungry, I munch on crunchy stuff; but not just any crunchy stuff, but carb crunchy stuff. I am pretty sure that my hunger is a combination of stress hunger and menstrual hunger. I was looking at the graph of my weight for the last month. I started monitoring right as I ended my period in the middle of July. I see a pattern. Unfortunately, since I had a period 2 weeks later, I again had the same weight fluctuation, but not quite as drastic. It will be interesting to see if I have another period in a short time and to see if the pattern continues.
I can say, my clothes continue to get loose. I may not be loosing weight but my clothing, shirts in particular, are beginning to hang differently. My shorts are fitting looser as well around the thigh. I know that I am toning up which is important. I am getting more definition in my legs and arms. I keep thinking about how I want to look for our wedding next year. I also have hung a picture of myself from 1996 when I was around 160 lbs to show me that I have been there. These are ways for me to stay motivated without the obsessive control that I get into.
I am seeing signs that I am feeling better about my body. Kat read that coconut oil helps with acne and dry skin, so she bought some. I am applying it daily; this is a very unusual practice for me. I don't preen unless I am feeling good. Like many depressives, actual body care is not my priority. So the fact that I used Kat's new face electric razor to trim my chin hairs and then this morning put on the eye brow attachment in an effort to thin out my unibrow (lets just say I now have a dotted line rather than a unibrow) tells me that I am feeling better about myself. I am beginning to feel like I want to spiff myself up for Kat, and for me.
One issue though of me spiffing up is that I like wearing masculine clothing. I like wearing button down shirts with ties. While I am comfortable being me at home and in the LGBT community, I still am nervous dressing this way in the general public or with family. The thing is, wearing the masculine clothing I feel like I look good. I feel attractive and I have a confidence in myself that really shows through. So by staying fat, I don't have to worry about this issue. I don't want to look good so I don't wear the clothing I really like and therefore don't have to deal with the negative comments, looks, or jabs. Again, I stay safe by being fat.
I have challenged the status quo time and again whether or not I wanted to. I try to avoid it, but in the end, I have to stand up and do the right thing. So I guess I just have to accept that I will get comments, looks, and jabs, but in the end I am being true to me and feeling good about myself. I do hope that those who I encounter that do have an issue with the way I dress will take the opportunity to get to know me and realize that my freak flag isn't any different then their freak flag.
Successes: Lunch walk! Thanks Lynn! Shirts are feeling looser as well as the thighs of my pants/shorts/boxers. I actually look tan ;)
Barriers: HUNGRY!! Anxiety about going home and munching. Questioning of myself about will I truly change.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Easy Way
Update:
Weight: 253.8 lbs
Net Cal: -345 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
I have caught myself thinking, gee maybe I should try this type of diet or that type of diet to jump start the weight loss. What do I need to do to make sure my body is healthy? Should I be looking at detox diet? How can I help my body get healthier?
I don't know if I'm looking for a quick fix or truly wanting to make my body healthier. I guess I am looking for anything to help make the process a little easier. I keep trying little mind games to help my psyche cope with not loosing weight even though it feels I am trying and working at it. Keeping myself positive and motivated when it appears all of my efforts don't work feels harder than the actual lifestyle change itself, yet when I meet that negative barrier, the path of least resistance is to remain where I am.
It is times like this where I am acutely aware that my mind is creating a barrier for me. I know each of us has our little things weighing daily, weighing weekly, looking at inches only, weighing our food and counting calories. These are ways that we try to keep control. While I do like having control, I feel it would be more beneficial to find a way to stop playing these tricks and find a way to cope with the feelings.
Successes: Made it through the day
Barriers: Did not get in my lunch walk
Weight: 253.8 lbs
Net Cal: -345 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
I have caught myself thinking, gee maybe I should try this type of diet or that type of diet to jump start the weight loss. What do I need to do to make sure my body is healthy? Should I be looking at detox diet? How can I help my body get healthier?
I don't know if I'm looking for a quick fix or truly wanting to make my body healthier. I guess I am looking for anything to help make the process a little easier. I keep trying little mind games to help my psyche cope with not loosing weight even though it feels I am trying and working at it. Keeping myself positive and motivated when it appears all of my efforts don't work feels harder than the actual lifestyle change itself, yet when I meet that negative barrier, the path of least resistance is to remain where I am.
It is times like this where I am acutely aware that my mind is creating a barrier for me. I know each of us has our little things weighing daily, weighing weekly, looking at inches only, weighing our food and counting calories. These are ways that we try to keep control. While I do like having control, I feel it would be more beneficial to find a way to stop playing these tricks and find a way to cope with the feelings.
Successes: Made it through the day
Barriers: Did not get in my lunch walk
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Our Past
Update:
Weight: 252.2 lbs
Net Cal: -737 cal
Waist: 49 1/2 inches
Exercise: walk the dog 10 min x2, 35 min walk at lunch
I had dropped the twins off at their daycare today and as I walked back alone I saw the wind rustling through the trees. As I watched the leaves rustle, I said to myself "no wonder the ancient people of the world thought that trees could talk". How many things around us seem so magical?
Thinking back to the ancient days, I have to agree that our bodies were designed to eat a different diet than we have now. I look at races that have stayed closer to their original diets, there are not as many diseases like Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Obesity. I do feel that the researchers looking at the diets of our ancestors are onto something. Our bodies adapt, but evolution takes generations. Our society has moved so fast, our bodies have not been able to keep up. We have adapted to keep our species alive, but we are not evolving.
How much of our health issues are because our bodies have not evolved to handle our diet? So is survival of the fittest through obesity and obesity related diseases? I don't know how to look at a specific ancestry diet. There is looking at the blood type and ethnic background. I'm not sure that our diets are driven by our blood type. There are people of every race that are type O positive, yet African Americans have a greater rate of obesity, diabetes, and hypertension. I don't see how blood type would work. The ethnic diet makes more sense based on where your ancestors lived. Though here in the US, we are very much a hodgepodge of ethnicity. I am Irish, French, English, German, and suspect some Native American. So which should I follow? There are different diets for Native Americans and the Irish. Us here in the USA are very rarely completely one ethnic background.
I keep coming back to, eating right, exercise, and moderation (the trio) are what I need to keep going. While looking at some of these theories for ideas that can be incorporated, it is important to keep the trio in mind.
Successes: Began to change my internal dialogue from projecting my negative talk on others (look at that fat ass, she should move faster) I now project, good for her getting out and walking. Walked at lunch. Thanks to Kat, I am not sore today from my walk yesterday.
Barriers: Still resistant to measuring food.
Weight: 252.2 lbs
Net Cal: -737 cal
Waist: 49 1/2 inches
Exercise: walk the dog 10 min x2, 35 min walk at lunch
I had dropped the twins off at their daycare today and as I walked back alone I saw the wind rustling through the trees. As I watched the leaves rustle, I said to myself "no wonder the ancient people of the world thought that trees could talk". How many things around us seem so magical?
Thinking back to the ancient days, I have to agree that our bodies were designed to eat a different diet than we have now. I look at races that have stayed closer to their original diets, there are not as many diseases like Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Obesity. I do feel that the researchers looking at the diets of our ancestors are onto something. Our bodies adapt, but evolution takes generations. Our society has moved so fast, our bodies have not been able to keep up. We have adapted to keep our species alive, but we are not evolving.
How much of our health issues are because our bodies have not evolved to handle our diet? So is survival of the fittest through obesity and obesity related diseases? I don't know how to look at a specific ancestry diet. There is looking at the blood type and ethnic background. I'm not sure that our diets are driven by our blood type. There are people of every race that are type O positive, yet African Americans have a greater rate of obesity, diabetes, and hypertension. I don't see how blood type would work. The ethnic diet makes more sense based on where your ancestors lived. Though here in the US, we are very much a hodgepodge of ethnicity. I am Irish, French, English, German, and suspect some Native American. So which should I follow? There are different diets for Native Americans and the Irish. Us here in the USA are very rarely completely one ethnic background.
I keep coming back to, eating right, exercise, and moderation (the trio) are what I need to keep going. While looking at some of these theories for ideas that can be incorporated, it is important to keep the trio in mind.
Successes: Began to change my internal dialogue from projecting my negative talk on others (look at that fat ass, she should move faster) I now project, good for her getting out and walking. Walked at lunch. Thanks to Kat, I am not sore today from my walk yesterday.
Barriers: Still resistant to measuring food.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Back on the wagon
Update:
Weight: 253.0 lbs.
Net Cal: + 347 cal
Exercise: walking the dog 10 min x2,100 min walk to Cedar Mill School-Bales-Home
So I've had a weekend where I was aware, but not really keeping track of what I was eating. Is there some guilt, sure. Do I regret it, no. I am feeling hungrier than usual though today. I've also had quite a bit of sugar and can tell. I am feeling run down and tired. I'm sure standing for 3 hrs cooking jam has nothing to do with that ;)
I keep thinking about healthy. What is it to be healthy? I have approached the twins that their eating habits need to be healthy choices. I look at my life, and wonder what healthy choices to I need to make?
So I look at my life and the choices I have made. During the week, I do fairly well diet wise. I need to think about decreasing my intake by another 100 calories, but otherwise my choices seem appropriate. I have been walking daily at work, but the last couple of weeks that has decreased to 3 + times per work week. I have not had nearly as much activity during the weekends as I would like.
I also find that I am back to craving my carbs. Once the kids are to bed, I'll eat a small amount of chips or crackers. I also have my bowl of ice cream. The other thing I am noticing is that I am eating a lot of sodium daily. While I don't have an issue with high blood pressure, I know that the sodium will effect my water retention. Looking at today, I had chips, a grilled cheese sandwich with American cheese, and bacon. Plus there is some salt on my trail mix. I also had 3 fruits and 2 veggies. Still...I am becoming aware that I need to pay more attention to what is in my foods too.
Successes: Long walk with 30 minutes of it uphill
Barriers: Hungry!
Weight: 253.0 lbs.
Net Cal: + 347 cal
Exercise: walking the dog 10 min x2,100 min walk to Cedar Mill School-Bales-Home
So I've had a weekend where I was aware, but not really keeping track of what I was eating. Is there some guilt, sure. Do I regret it, no. I am feeling hungrier than usual though today. I've also had quite a bit of sugar and can tell. I am feeling run down and tired. I'm sure standing for 3 hrs cooking jam has nothing to do with that ;)
I keep thinking about healthy. What is it to be healthy? I have approached the twins that their eating habits need to be healthy choices. I look at my life, and wonder what healthy choices to I need to make?
So I look at my life and the choices I have made. During the week, I do fairly well diet wise. I need to think about decreasing my intake by another 100 calories, but otherwise my choices seem appropriate. I have been walking daily at work, but the last couple of weeks that has decreased to 3 + times per work week. I have not had nearly as much activity during the weekends as I would like.
I also find that I am back to craving my carbs. Once the kids are to bed, I'll eat a small amount of chips or crackers. I also have my bowl of ice cream. The other thing I am noticing is that I am eating a lot of sodium daily. While I don't have an issue with high blood pressure, I know that the sodium will effect my water retention. Looking at today, I had chips, a grilled cheese sandwich with American cheese, and bacon. Plus there is some salt on my trail mix. I also had 3 fruits and 2 veggies. Still...I am becoming aware that I need to pay more attention to what is in my foods too.
Successes: Long walk with 30 minutes of it uphill
Barriers: Hungry!
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