Out of Control

Update:

Weight: 255.6 lbs
Net Cal: -13
Waist: 50 1/2 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walking

It has been an out of control few days.  Last night as I was driving home from Forest Grove with the twins, I had a visualization of Kat's and my wedding this time next year.  My mind's image of how beautiful she will be and the love that I feel for her.  That image pulled me out of whatever funk enough that I feel I can keep going.

So I am renewed and re-energized.  Interestingly, the Torah Portion for this Shabbat looks a this.  The following is taken from a weekly email that our Rabbi Ariel Stone sends out each Friday before the start of Shabbat:

There are times when we feel that, sure, we've made mistakes and we feel badly about them, but sometimes suffering seems all out of proportion to events. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when life is full of events that seem at best, bad luck, and at worst, as if a dark cloud of bad karma has settled over one's head.

This Shabbat's tefilah encourages you to keep your chin up when you're feeling discouraged. God is still with us, as the prophet proclaims; in our own modern language, we say: hold on to each other, and hold on to our belief that what we are doing - what we are as a community, and what we build - still matters. Every good act matters, and makes a difference. Every spark lights up a bit of what would otherwise be unrelieved darkness. And you and I, with every small, healing act, relieve the darkness of suffering and sadness.

When we are overwhelmed and unsure of what to hold on to, this week's parashah comes to teach us. Parashat Va'Etkhanan includes the most famous line in the Torah: the Shema. As well, it reviews the Aseret Dibrot, the Ten Words we heard at Mt. Sinai. Here we are reminded that all you need is a one-line mantra to repeat, the Shema, and Ten Words to focus all our own words, and acts, upon. All the rest is commentary, as the ancient Rabbi Hillel said - go and learn it.

Jews are consoled by losing ourselves in learning. This Shabbat, consider what you have learned about life this week, and how it has helped you.

shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Ariel

Wow, for me, at this time, this is so powerful.  What have I learned about life this week?  Has it helped me?  I've learned that I can be a real Bitch!  That no matter how cranky and grouchy I get, I am still loved and lovable. 

I felt like I was crawling out of my skin; I wasn't me (or at least what I perceive as me).  Yet, Kat and our girls continued to show how much they love me.  They didn't reject my "dark" side.  I have to admit, I don't think they embraced it either :)

I learned this week, that I am falling into old patterns and relationship habits.  These patterns also lead to feelings of depression and self depreciation. Luckily I have a wonderful woman who is patient as I work on leaving those old habits behind and move forward into a new life of communication.

Successes: walked at lunch, watched what I ate at lunch even  though I was hungry
Barriers: Still having hormonal swings, feeling ravenous