Keeping my Attitude of Gratitude

I went to the orientation at vocational rehab today.  I felt awkward walking in as I was the only person there that currently has a job and is seeking assistance with overcoming barriers with my hearing.  I became very aware of exactly how lucky I am to have a job and the ability to take care of myself and my family.  Times are really tough, but the more I look around me, we have it good.  I am very appreciative for what I have.
That appreciation is making it even more important for me to take care of myself; to keep what I have, I need to care for me.

Along with this look at my appreciation, my sister, who has severe sight disabilities (yes I am the eyes and she is the ears ;) had surgery on her eyes yesterday.  I got a text from her today simply stating, "I can see".  Tears came to my eyes!  After spending 37 years of visual impairments that have prevented her from driving, from pursuing some of her dreams as a teenager, and kept her home bound at various times in her life, she can see.  How amazing!  Any improvement in her sight will be welcome, but she is saying that there is no doubt, her vision is going to be improved once her recovery is behind her.

Attitude of gratitude! It has struck me in so many ways today.  Today is also the twins' 8th birthday, or as Abby likes to say, she is 2.  I have been so blessed to have the twins in my life, and to go through each stage of their developing lives with them is so amazing.  While both girls have had some issues and required physical therapy/occupational therapy/speech therapy, they are normal 8 year olds now.  They strive towards being healthy and are so curious about life and how it works.  I thank G-d for thier health and their ability to adapt and learn. 

My life is full of blessings; from my family, partner, children, friends to my job, health, spirituality, to each breath I take, each sunrise/sunset I witness, each bud of spring or  leaf pile of fall, all are blessings that enrich my life and keeps me moving forward towards my own health. 

Getting over a Cold

Finally feeling better!!  Sunday and Monday really took me out, but was able to wake this morning, get the dishes done, twins fed, and up to the grocery store before the school bus came :) 

I was able to walk at lunch, thought I was keeping it gentle, still walked 2 miles in 20 minutes :)  All in all, I am feeling stronger.  I don't feel as exhausted as I was when I was sick and I am alert.  I am amazed at how easy it is for me to get foggy but at the same time, come out of it and feel like I can handle things. 

So looking into the idea that I should have a sick day protocol for my diet, I am thinking it is a good idea.  I do need to work at having my snacks and meals planned for me each day so I know exactly what I am going to eat and there is no wondering.  I do eat on the fly a lot.  I'm a nurse with an ICU background...when we got a break, it was usually interrupted so I learned to wolf down my food with no concern of what that food was, it was just food.  I still have a habit of eating fast.  I am working on it and improving, but it doesn't help that Kat is a nurse as well, so we have the same eating habit. 

By knowing what I am going to eat, it will help on those days when I don't feel good.  I need to make sure I keep my list with me.  One of the things I have noticed is that if I have one indiscretion during the day, I throw the whole day out.  Its a, well, I've already gone over my calories for the day, so I might as well eat what I want.  So, I take what was a small slip and make it into a big one.  I'm not sure what feelings are driving that behavior; it is consistent though. 

As I think about it, I've watched my Mom have the same behavior.  She would give up and binge; and here I am doing the same thing.  Is my behavior learned?  Is there a motive behind it?  Am I just giving up on myself because it is too hard to keep going?  I don't know as of this time.  What I can say is, my first reaction to keep from getting hurt is to throw the baby out w/ the bath water.  If I am not in a knee jerk reaction, I try to look at the problem, see as many sides as I can then make a decision. 

For me, identifying the problem, looking at it from various sides and making a decision does not take very long.  Again, this comes from being a nurse for 20+ years and working in the ICU.  My knee jerk reaction comes from being hurt so many times in my interpersonal relationships that I'd rather get rid of everything and start over new than work through the pain.  Thank goodness I have kept that part of me in check w/ Kat.  It is so nice to have a partner who wants to work on our issues, is open to talking things through (without throwing things) and is willing to work on her stuff as I am working on mine.

So, what is it about my relationship with food that causes me to have a knee jerk reaction and throw everything out?  This has been the hardest area for me to deal with.  I can objectively look at my behaviors, usually, but actually looking at and understanding my relationship with food, this stumps me.  It is almost if I analyze my relationship with food, it will reveal some deep dark secret that I may not be able to deal with.  Funny thing is, I used to be afraid of myself and especially my dark side.  Thanks to lots of years of therapy, my belief in Judaism, and an incredibly supportive partner, my dark side doesn't scare me anymore.  I realize that there is light and dark in everyone and that my dark needs to be embraced not ignored.  Why can't I do the same w/ food?

In time, I hope to answer that question.  For now, I am getting stronger, feeling better, and continuing forward on my journey for health.

Illness

I've been sick since Thursday.  Not able to walk much, and contolloing what I eat is not even in the cards.  I'm still feeling pretty rough today, so this entry won't be very long; mostly a place to put down a couple of thought to expand on later when I am feeling better.

Diabetics have a "sick day" protocol, and I am beginning to feel that I need to have something as well.  This would also suggest that I have what I am going to eat on a regular day spelled out as well.  I am looking for ways to ensure that I can be more aware of my caloric intake and not eaying on the fly.

I hope all of you are well.  Hopefully, l'll be closer no health tomorrow.

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Middle of the week

Here we are, its Wednesday.  Half way through the week and it seems to be moving at a good clip.  This time next week, the twins will be 8 years old.  For those who don't know, the twins were born on February 29th, leap day. So if you ask them, they will tell you it is their 2nd birthday, and in some ways they are right :)  When I look at the last 8 years and where we came from and where we are now, it has been an amazing journey. 

It has taken me 8 years to find my way in this world and realize that I am a worth wile being.  I guess 8 years to correct 33 years of damage isn't too bad :) I was speaking with a friend of mine today and she brought up that I am not someone who can fly under the radar.  Now, at 41, that is true, I dress more masculine, wear a kippah, and basically am confident of who I am and I can stay in tune with myself fairly well (though I do have my ostrich moments of burying my head in the sand).  Years of being made fun of and feeling as though I have no worth have made me strong and given me a thick skin.  It is hard to knock me over now. 

I know that I've talked about how I try to fly under the radar, yet I never have gone unnoticed.  I have pushed the boundaries of people's values, ethics, and acceptance.  It kind of hit me, that I have big energy.  I always felt so small and insignificant that I never realized that the energy I put off gets noticed.  When I am confident in myself, I get a lot of comments about how I can bring a calm into a room.  I have always taken that with a grain of salt, but now, I can see if a calm energy walks in, then others may notice.  I in no way want my energy to intrude on anyone, but I am realizing that I get noticed; not just because I am myself, but because my energy says...hey, I'm here in all of my glory!  (ok, I'm fat as well, makes it hard not to notice me ;)

Yet again, the theme of strength has crept into this blog.  Having felt unsafe for so long, being strong is part of keeping me safe; I see them go hand in hand.  So Wednesday is the middle of the week, but is the strongest day of the week, it has to hold up Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday on one side, and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday on the other. 

I wish everyone the strength of finding yourself and being confident in who you are. 

Humans are Humans

Every morning I follow the girls' school bus (we go the same way) and see a couple of the other bus stops along the way.  There are children of multiple nationalities that get on the bus, yet all of us parents sit there and wave and blow kisses to our kids who have gotten on the bus.  It hit me that regardless of where we were born or how we have been raised, we are all parents doing the best we can for our children, and putting them on a school bus and blowing kisses is just part of what parents do.

When I look at the statistics of this blog and where the page views are coming from, I am blown away.  I have friends in Germany and Austraila, so I'm glad to know they are reading, but Russia, France, Egypt, Malta, Brazil, and Turkey.  Wow, and then I realized, we are all human.  Whether we have a weight problem or not, the struggles I am having with my weight can be understood because they are issues of being human.

Everybody has their struggles and those who say they don't, well, my guess is they are not being honest with themselves or others.  How are my struggles any different than other people's?  They aren't.  Yes, I have an issue with food, and since food is necessary for my body to live, I am confronted multiple times per day with the opportunity to make better choices than I have in the past.  Some days I succeed, others, I don't, and that's ok; it is a process. 

When I was in nursing school, we studied Erickson in our psychology class.  Erickson endorses that there are stages in life that we must pass through, if we don't "complete" these stages then we are emotionally stuck there until we can find a way to move through that stage.  I take this theory one step further, that each stage has multiple layers, so the same issues that you dealt with in the past, come back around but on a deeper level.  It's like Shrek says, Ogres are like onions because they have layers, I have to say that the human psyche is also like an onion because of the number of layers that take you closer and closer to the core of who you are (and no, cake doesn't work for this analogy either Donkey).

Each time I focus on my health and working on how to get healthier, I go a little deeper than before.  I make more progress than before and utilize the lessons learned on the last pass.  Each dip into depression and not taking care of myself is shorter and the time between dips gets longer.  After this fight for 41 years, I am beginning to accept that I will get there, it just takes time and patience combined with desire and perseverance.  We all have those traits, it is Human nature, finding those traits and believing in them is a different story. 

So once again, I am singing Helen Reddy...I am strong, I am invincible I can and will do this and make progress towards my goal of health.

My Own Worst Enemy

I am my own worst enemy.  I can maintain my diet and exercise during the work week at work, but in the evenings when I get home and on the weekends, I have no control.  I am having lots of trouble fighting off the cravings, and not being very successful. 

It is hard, I get hungry, have a craving for something sweet that fruit doesn't satisfy.  I have begun to think about it though; I went to the store last night on a craving run for Kat and I, and as I was looking at the cookies, I made sure to look at the serving size and the calories per serving size.  So instead of getting Pepperidge Farms Milano or Maui cookies, I bought Nilla Wafers.  The differnce 1-2 Pepperidge Farms to 8 Nilla Wafers for about 125 calories.  I have also found a Haggen-Dazs ice cream that helps as well.  Haggen-Dazs has a line called Five.  Each type of ice cream has only 5 ingredients.  It is about 220 calories per 1/2 cup of ice cream.  The thing is, I can't eat a half cup of this ice cream.  We particularly like the lemon ice cream.  A carton will last Kat and I 8-10 servings.  We eat enough to quell our sweet tooth and refresh our palates. 

I do see where I am making some progress and at least thinking about what I am eating on the weekends and evenings.  Even thinking about it, I still feel like I am always fighting myself.  I tell myself, no, wait another half hour before you eat, or trying to arm wrestle my cravings with my will power and frequently loosing.  I did see a positive when it felt natural to pick up the cookie packages and look at the nutritional information.  There was a little tussle at  first, but my objective self took over and started analyzing and calculating what my options were and thought about how much damage do I really want to do. 

I do have a habit of sabotaging myself.  I have a tendency to put myself into stressful situations where I have difficulty maintaining self-care.  Recently, I have had some opportunities begin to present themselves and I have taken into consideration, what will this opportunity do to my stress level; will I be able to continue my self-care efforts, keep walking, continue to progress forward toward health with this opportunity?  It is scary, I don't want to my forward momentum, but I also don't want to stall from fear that I will set myself back. 

I am scared, I see potential, yet I can also see where this could blow up in my face and I could loose the ground I've worked sooooo hard to gain.  On the other hand, this opportunity could help me to be healthier and stronger.  Like most things in life, it is a toss up and there is no right or wrong answer, just what I can make of the situation. 

Kat and I are teaching the twins about how to make good choices that are healthy and beneficial for everyone involved.  I am realizing that I need to make good choices too, but sometimes those choices are shrouded in possibility, good and bad.  One thing I can say, is by being open to opportunity and taking leaps of faith, I have wound up in places I never knew existed.  My knowledge base has been expanded by these experiences and I am who I am because of it.

Given that these experiences make us who we are, finding a way to stay true to my health and not let anything else interfer with that is part of my make up.  I can and I will make myself a priority regardless of external influences!

Taking a Day Off

It is Friday!!  This is good because I have had a week of Mondays :(  I have pushed myself this week both in diet and exercise, so I decided to take today off.  I also go to work earlier on Fridays, so I get up earlier and it really throws me off.  I didn't walk today and at this point in my day I am usually between 6500 and 7000+ steps.  Today I am at 2362, not even half of my daily average.  While I do feel a sense of letting myself down, I think it was important for me to allow myself a down day.

Tonight is an eat dinner out, flop into bed and read kind of night.  Somewhere in there we walk the dogs and let them run, but I'm half tempted to just have them run in our room tonight.  Kat and I have a night w/o kids tomorrow night, and we are looking forward to it!  I am hoping that by getting some rest today, I'll feel more engaged and present with Kat tomorrow :)

I am learning how important down time is and it isn't necessarily being lazy.  I get the comment all the time that people get tired just reading what my schedule for a day is.  I have always thought that I had to be busy. I am now learning that I don't have to be busy all the time, it is ok to just sit and let the exhaustion wash over you w/o stressing about it. 

So given that I am making this a down day, I am keeping this short.  Keep moving towards your goals :)

Support

I am working with my health coach and she has sent me a Resource Guide for Weight Loss that Kaiser has put together.  In some ways it is like working a 12 step program, yet it is not a 12 step program.  One of the things that really caught my attention today while working the work book and reading was the idea of support.

I am a very lucky woman, I have Kat, the girls, my friends, and others who are behind me and giving me kudos, suggestions, and nudges as needed.  I am so appreciative of all of this, yet I find that I have issues actually asking for support.  I have always moved along on my own, to my own drummer.  I am usually a self motivator, but as I am getting older, I am realizing that when I loose my motivation, I shut out any help offered to me.  If I can't do it myself, then how is someone else going to be able to motivate me?  I guess this shows how strongly an internal motivator I am. 

As a kid, I was teased a lot.  I never really felt comfortable around others because of how I was torn down and told I was never good enough.  I learned that if I wanted to get things done, it was me and me alone.  I also learned this in my family.  For various reasons, I took on a lot in our family as the care taker. I just drew further and further into myself.  I cared about what others thought of me and the constant disappointment of not making the good enough grade really was devastating.

I find there are times I still carry this with me.  When I get down and start becoming less motivated, I find that my shame and feelings of being alone become overwhelming and it keeps me from accepting the support offered by others.  Yet, I remember a friend telling me once, that by accepting assistance from others, you give that person the opportunity to help and feel good about it.  I know that when I help others, it gives me the ability to show people that I love them.  By not accepting support, I take that away from someone that I love.  It doesn't seem fair.

So, when I begin to loose my motivation and someone is offering support, please refer me back to this post so that I can remind myself how important that support is.

The changing body

The changes in my body are different this time than in the past.  The changes seem to be coming slower, but are also looking different.  In the past, when I've lost weight, my abdominal fat appeared "firm"; there was not any sagging skin or skin that looked "deflated" (like it does after having a baby).  Well, my clothes are fitting differently, but now I have this flabby, deflated look to my abdomen that I have never had before; and me being me, I am trying to figure out, does that mean I am actually burning fat?  Have I been able to put myself into ketosis? 

I am not weighing myself more than once a week, so I don't know what my weight is doing.  What I do know, my walks are getting easier, less shortness of breath, less hip pain, and walking further each day that I walk.  I've been here before, many, many times.  What am I doing differently this time that has made my body change how it looses weight and what it looks like.  Menopause?  I don't know.  For the first time, I am concerned that when I do loose all of my weight, that I will have extra skin that may need to be removed.  Again, is this aging, me looking for something to worry about, or actually succeeding at my weight loss efforts.

One of my mantras has been, look better naked (stolen from 24 hr fitness).  I've always thought this as tongue and cheek, but for the first time, I'm wondering what I will look like when I get to where I feel healthy.  I was about to say, I've never worried about my looks, but that is BS.  I have and still do.  Am I vain, I hope not.  Is someone's looks what draws me to them, no.  Are looks what is most important in life, no.  Yet, I do notice that as I feel stronger and healthier, I begin to preen myself; take the time to take care that my skin, hair, nails, ect are all healthy and look healthy.

I will keep you posted on the changes that I see.  This should be intersting ;)

Defining Healthy

It is exciting to see myself increasing my activity and focusing more on a healthy diet; what is healthy though?  I feel that the definition of healthy is an individual definition.  Each person has their own goals and they may or may not coincide with what other views of health is, but it is their goals and they need to be completed.
What are your goals?  What is your definition of health?  How ready are you to work on these goals?  How confident are you that you can succeed and meet your goals?  These are all questions each of us must ask.

For myself, healthy is the ability to enjoy life, play with my kids, go out hiking, maybe be able to play Softball again.  For me, I want to feel stronger, more able to do what needs to be done and what I want to do, and less about actual weight.  I guess my thoughts are though, to get healthier, I need to drop some of the weight.  Do I feel I need to get down to my "ideal" weight, no, because when I am actually at my ideal weight, I get sick again.  My body feels really good around 160 ish lbs.  I have to work with myself to find the point in which I feel good enough to live my life without trying to fit some category of health that may not work for me.

Right now, I am feeling stronger.  I am walking more, trying new exercising, and watching my caloric intake closer.  I feel good, taking my medications like I am supposed to.  All of this makes it so I can continue on my path to health.  Along the way, I will learn more about myself, my passions, my values, and what drives me.  For me, health is not just about the physical body, but about the emotional and spiritual as well.  They are all intertwined; an in balance in any of these parts of the whole can throw the whole person spiralling.  So my focus is on how I feel, my relationship with my Higher Power, my relationship with others, and my relationship with the Earth/environment. 

I strive for my relationships to be as healthy as possible.  The twins have been taught from an early age about keeping healthy and how to accomplish this to the best of my knowledge.  I do hope that they come out better in communicating than I did; that it won't take 41 years for them to begin to understand themselves and how to communicate in a non-aggressive and healthy way without opening themselves up to attack. 

Keeping the Earth healthy will in turn help me stay healthy.  There is a saying, and I don't remember where I heard it or who said it, but if you take care of the Earth, she will take care of you.  I believe that.  The Earth has an amazing capacity for healing herself.  After many millenniums, the Earth is still here, yet generations of biological entities have roamed the Earth, died out, and new entities have been born to continue the cycle.  Through it all, the Earth heals the damage done and continues to produce life in all forms.  She is truely amazing. Again, what is your definition of health? What are your goals? Visualize how you will feel when you are healthy; it will happen.

Broke 10,000 Steps

This was a great weekend!  We were busy, but I got a lot of walking in.  Saturday I broke 10,000 steps for the first time!  I had a therapy session (in case you hadn't already figured out I'm a bit nuts ;O)  and we went for a 45 minute walk.  That is one of the things I love about my therapist, she has a holistic view.  I take advantage of the walks whenever possible.  

I also stayed close to the 2000 calorie per day goal that I have set for myself.  Yesterday I went over by only 4 calories.  That with the amount of walking I've done, I have been about 600 calories less than my output.  It makes me feel good and strong.

Kat bought a Zumba game for our Wii, so I decided to get my butt up early this morning and try it out. I thought, I'll take it easy on myself this morning.  I watched the tutorial, chose the "easy" level, and chose the 20 minute class. 

Well, the "warm up" was tough.  I made it through, but then the class started; it was divided into 5 sections including the warm up and cool down.  I made it through the warm up and the second section.  Half way through the third section I had to sit down.  Did some of the fourth section and the whole belly dancing "cool down" (that was the only section that was my speed).  Holy Cow!!  Beyond feeling like Jim Carey and getting maybe 1/3 of the movements, it went well :)  I can say this, I usually have over 500 steps in the mornings from the time I get going and leaving the house. After Zumba this morning I had 1800 steps.

I have decided that Zumba will not be a daily activity.  I did walk at lunch; this helped loosen up the sore muscles from the morning.  I did see it as an intense work out like Dr. McGuff talks about, but my guess is that wasn't what he had in mind.  At this point, my plan is to alternate Wii Fit balance, yoga, and the hula hoops to help loosen my hips some.  Then I will do Zumba a couple of days per week.  I plan to keep walking as much as I can at lunch. 

So my goal for today was to try the Zumba: Done
Tomorrow's Goal: Rest day, focus on diet

Getting Back into the Groove...

Well, someone (me) threw me off of my groove....beware the groooove :)  I am now beginning to get my groove back!  I walked again today and without as much pain.  It seems that my muscle memory is beginning to kick in.  I am traveling faster and longer.  It was pouring today when I went for my walk, but I still did it.  I walked down Interstate from work to the Vocational Rehab office, then back. Took me 42 minutes and besides the lower half of me being soaked, it went very well.

Some of you may be asking why I went down to Vocational Rehab; I have a hearing loss.  I am supposed to wear hearing aids in both ears, but I don't.  Typically, I can hear women's voices well and since a good portion of my life is women, I just kept going forward.  I learned how to lip read to insert what I was missing in a conversation, I've learned how to nod and follow the cues of the person I am talking with so they don't know that I can't hear them.  During this time I have continued to turn up the TV louder and louder to where now Kat complains of it and the twins tell me that it keeps them up at night after they have gone to bed.  You would think that would be enough to make me get my hearing aids, but no.  It took not being able to hear a female patient in a quiet office face to face for me to go, I need hearing aids.

I was also in a training this week and again, women were talking, but I can' t hear them.  Kat has been telling me that my hearing seems worse.  So we'll see what comes of this as to if they will help me get my hearing aids and if so, what type and where will be the best bang for our buck.

So as I am getting back in the groove of walking, changing my diet and lifestyle, and taking care of me, part of that is taking care of my hearing.  This is part of caring for me.  It will allow me to interact with the world in a very different way.  I have worn hearing aids before and it is a very overwhelming and over stimulating experience.  At the same time, the depth to sound always amazes me.  There are tones I don't hear, clanks and clunks in the car, the kids consipring, and the whisper of my lover.  I hope that this part of my journey turns out as I am hoping.  Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I will continue to work towards my goals.  I am feeling stronger each day.  My goal, though I don't know how realistic it will be, is to be 240 lbs (109 kg) by Kat's and my wedding at the end of August.  That is a 20 lb (9 kg) drop in 6 months.  Between now in then I will set my daily and weekly goals to help make this happen. 

My goal today was to walk at lunch-accomplished
My goal for tomorrow is to stay at or below my 2000 calorie goal (weekends are an eat fest for me)

Two Mornings in a Row

I am beginning to feel stronger...Yea!!  I have been able to get up the last 2 days and take a shower (instead of a bath), get the dishes washed and make toad in the hole for the twins.  I am not overly perky, but I do have the energy to do this without feeling wiped out.

I continue to feel sore from my stair exercise a couple of days ago.  I did walk yesterday, so I don't know if that kept my muscles from healing.  I have to go for pulmonary function tests today during my lunch hour, so I won't be walking.  I am hoping that the break will help my muscles heal.  I will lift some free weights at home this evening, working on my arm strength.

At lunch today, I was excited to see that my caloric intake was 200 calories less than I usually am.  My goal today was to keep my calories at or under 2000, and I have been on target for that today. 

Good news, my pulmonary function test didn't take as long as it should have, so I was able to get a 30 minute walk in!!  Yipee!!

All in all it has been a good day.  Now if I can control the evening munchies, I'll be doing well.

Today's goal: eat 2000 calories or less
Tomorrow's goal: Walk at lunch

Continuing to Move

Boy am I sore today!!  Yesterday I was in a training all day.  While in the training, I felt frustrated and wanted to help explain things in an easier way for people to understand, but it wasn't my place.  The frustration steeped until our lunch break.  During my break, I blew off some of this pent up energy by walking 9 flights of stairs. 

I was on the 9th floor, so I walked down to the 6th floor, then back up to the 9th floor 3 times.  I was able to accomplish this in 15 minutes.  So this is what I got out of 15 minutes of stairs, wobbly and shaking legs for 2 hours and this morning sore calves, thighs, hips, and back.  Even with the repercussions from the stairs, I am glad I did it.

I was able to decrease my frustration level and begin to relax.  While I am sore today, I know that it did me well.  I have been looking more and more at Dr. Doug McGuff's information, and some of what he is saying is that to burn fat and increase muscle, using short bursts of intensive activity helps.  SO...I considered 9 flights of stairs in 15 minutes a short burst of intense activity (at least at my size :) 

I have to give a hat tip to my love, Kat.  She got me the best thing for Valentine's Day...a Striiv.  This is a great gadget; I LOVE gadgets!  Ok, so what does a new gadget have to do with my weight loss journey?  The Striiv is a pedometer, but with many more features. 

So yes, the Striiv is a pedometer; tells me how many steps I've taken, how many miles I've walked, the equivalent of how many stairs I've climbed, how many calories I've burned.  I am able to earn trophies for goals accomplished i.e. walking 1500 steps.  There are also challenges you can participate in to increase your activity.  Because of these features, I find the Striiv to be more interactive and motivating.  The thing is, that's not all!  The Striiv also has a game that you can play.  By walking you earn energy and you use this energy in the game to build up the land around you.  The more you walk, the more energy you get and the more you have to build with.  Yet, there is one more feature that really sold me on the Striiv; charity.  Based on how many steps you walk, the company will make donations to your choice of 3 different charities in your name.  The company is working with their corporate sponsors to make this happen.  There is donating towards clean water for villages in Africa, providing polio shots for developing countries, and saving the Amazon rain forest.  I have chosen to walk for the Amazon rain forest. 

I like the design of the strive.  It can be worn on your key chain, but I choose to clip it to the inside of my pocket.  I don't even know it's there.  It is advertised to be able to work in your purse, on your key chain, or in a pocket.  I keep my Striiv on my key chain so I don't forget it, but as soon as I pick up my keys, I remove it and clip it on the inside of my pocket.  It is an awesome gadget!

All the data is kept in the Striiv, the only time you need to synch is to download your donations for your charities.  Striiv does not help manage your food, it is totally about motivating you to move.  For me that is ok because I am already hooked up and successfully use caloriecount.com to help manage my diet and caloric intake.

Kat got herself the FitBit.  This is another amazing device.  It follows steps, calories burned, but also has an altimeter so it can sense when you are climbing stairs.  This device will wirelessly upload this information to your web page on the FitBit site.  It also connects with other applications like My Fitness Pal.  On the website you are able to track your food intake and caloric needs.  The really cool thing about the FitBit is that it also has a way of detecting how well you are sleeping and how many times per night you wake up; it a more holistic view of your health.  The FitBit is small and easily clips on belts and bras.  Kat clips her to her bra and states that she forgets that it is there. 

Both of these are mid range in expense.  We found ours at Amazon.com for about $100 each.  I am looking forward to seeing how far this gadget will take me :)

As for today, I walked for 35 minutes in the parking garage.  Amazingly, my calves and thighs hurt with stairs, but not the garage.  Now my low back over my hips hurt.  I've had that issue since I've started walking again.  I am realizing that I am holding my upper body rigid and leaning forward when I walk.  When I realize my back is hurting, I relax, settle into my hips and my center and bring the upper part of my body back.  This doesn't totally relieve the pain, but it does ease it enough so I don't want to give up and quit the exercise.

Today's goal was to walk the parking lot-succeeded
Tomorrow's goal- meet my goal of 2000 cal for the day

I did it!

I am so excited...the girls, dogs, and I went out geocaching on Saturday and walked 1.66 miles in the absolutely beautiful weather!  The dogs and the kids were exhausted.  The dogs were the quietest I've ever seen them.  So it was a good outing had by all :)

I am beginning to get my motivation back.  I am wanting to try to keep it going.  I have been focusing on moving again.  It always seems like I loose my momentum when I start looking at calories and try to manage my diet.  This time I am trying to wrap the two together.  Find a way to make my daily goals include diet as well as movement. 

I am excited, I learned that the pickles we made last fall are only 11 calories each!  So I now have a jar of them in the fridge at work.  If I get ravenous, I can munch on those without causing a lot of caloric damage.  I continue to focus on making sure I have enough fruit in my diet.  We aren't as good about eating veggies at dinner, but then again, I keep forgetting that garden burgers are veggies :) 

My goal for today is to make my evening munching less of a binge and more of a snack.  I also am wanting to bring out my 5 lb hand weights and work with them while watching TV.

Beautiful Weekend Ahead

I am so excited I can't hold it in!!  As some of you know, the girls and I like to geocache.  What is geocaching you say, there was a T-shirt that said it best...Geocachers: Using multimillion dollar satellites to find Tupperware in the woods.  It is a high tech hide and seek game.  Using a GPS, you download coordintates of the cache from geocaching.com, then go and find it.  When you find the cache, you sign the log with you geocaching name (we are Connell Clan), if you brought something to trade and you leave that and take something from the cache of equal or less value.

There is another level to geocaching...travel bugs.  Travel bugs are a dog tag with a code on it.  You load your travel bug onto the website and set a goal for it.  Then the bug travels from cache to cache in an attempt to reach the destination you are hoping to get to. 

The twins and I set free 4 travel bugs in the summer of 2009.  Helen's, a grey elephant named Unicorn, wants to go to Thialand to see an elephant; currently hers is in California.  Abby's is a zebra named Caffien who wants to see Zebras and Hyenas in Africa; currently hers is in Alberta, Canada.  I sent forth 2 bugs.  One, Shalom Traveler is the first of what I call my wall series.  Shalom, meaning peace, was to travel to Jerusalem to the Wailing Wall.  At this time Shalom is MIA.  I keep hoping some one will find it.  The other is He Ping Traveler.  He Ping, meaning peace, was to go to the Great Wall of China.  Well, thanks to TeamYinYang, He Ping made it to the wall on 2/1/2012.  There are pictures up on the website.  And they are nice enough, the are mailing back my bug when they get back to California so I can release it on it's next journey. 

One of the things I've used geocaching for is getting me out and walking.  When we lived in Hillsboro, I loaded all the caches within 1 mile of our home.  Most I found, some I didn't.  It was a great way to get the girls and I out and about.  Over the last couple of years it seems to have become harder and harder to find the time to get out and geocache. 

So my goal for today was to make it through the day!

I do have a goal for tomorrow, I plan to get out in the sun; hopefully get some geocaching done :)

Daily Goals

Had an appointment with my Health Coach today.  It has been a rough 2 weeks, lots of over eating, binging, and generalized feelings of I must eat.  The good news is that my weight has not increased with this, I am holding steady at 259.8 lbs.  As you can see by previous posts, I am still feeling quite discouraged.  One of the ideas that Jessica came up with today was to make small, daily goals. 

I went hmmmm (because you know I say hmmmm to myself :).  I have my big goal of loosing 100 + lbs, I have my smaller goals of if I loose x amount of weight then I get a reward, I have started looking a weekly goals, but to go further and focus on daily goals, it really helps make the task at hand less daunting. 

So my goal for today is being more aware of hunger vs. "need" to eat.  I'm not necessarily going to try and curb anything tonight, just be more aware.  I will make my goal for tomorrow in the morning or tonight before I go to bed.  I don't want to spend the rest of the day today focusing on what I will do tomorrow; to me that defeats the purpose of a daily goal.

I didn't walk today because Jessica called during my lunch hour.  Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny as well as this coming weekend; planning on getting out and enjoying the dry weather!

Getting tired

I was talking w/ a friend of mine at Shul the other day and found myself commenting on how I really hated having to focus on what I eat at all times; how I had to be aware and on alert without any breaks to make sure I'm doing what is healthy for my body.  I feel worn down and it makes me question if this is really worth it.  I "know" it is, but the feelings of disappointment build up after years of doing this.

When I was out on my walk today I realized how frustrated I feel.  This time last year I set out on the same goal.  Granted I am starting 5 lbs lighter this year than last, but after working hard for 9-10 months and only loosing 20 lbs, then gaining back 15 lbs in 2-3 months; its very disheartening.  I have been concerned about my weight since at least 10 years old.  At the age of 14, my Dad agreed that if I was able to loose weight to reach the weight goal set by my doctor, I would get a dog (Dad HATES animals in the house, especially dogs).  I lost the weight, got the dog, gained back the weight plus.  I look at the pictures of me from back then, I was not fat.  Yes, I was heavier than the books said I should be, but I was a healthy weight. 

Walking today, I felt like all of the progress I made last year was for naught. My hips and legs hurt and I only walked 1.5 miles in 40 minutes...not race walking or even a stroll; yet my hips and thighs felt so much pain that I had trouble getting water out of the cooler because stooping hurt.  Really?!?  I am 41 almost 42 and I can't bend over after a short, easy walk.  It is pathetic. 

Ok, enough berating of myself and time to move on.