I was talking w/ a friend of mine at Shul the other day and found myself commenting on how I really hated having to focus on what I eat at all times; how I had to be aware and on alert without any breaks to make sure I'm doing what is healthy for my body. I feel worn down and it makes me question if this is really worth it. I "know" it is, but the feelings of disappointment build up after years of doing this.
When I was out on my walk today I realized how frustrated I feel. This time last year I set out on the same goal. Granted I am starting 5 lbs lighter this year than last, but after working hard for 9-10 months and only loosing 20 lbs, then gaining back 15 lbs in 2-3 months; its very disheartening. I have been concerned about my weight since at least 10 years old. At the age of 14, my Dad agreed that if I was able to loose weight to reach the weight goal set by my doctor, I would get a dog (Dad HATES animals in the house, especially dogs). I lost the weight, got the dog, gained back the weight plus. I look at the pictures of me from back then, I was not fat. Yes, I was heavier than the books said I should be, but I was a healthy weight.
Walking today, I felt like all of the progress I made last year was for naught. My hips and legs hurt and I only walked 1.5 miles in 40 minutes...not race walking or even a stroll; yet my hips and thighs felt so much pain that I had trouble getting water out of the cooler because stooping hurt. Really?!? I am 41 almost 42 and I can't bend over after a short, easy walk. It is pathetic.
Ok, enough berating of myself and time to move on.
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