Finally feeling better!! Sunday and Monday really took me out, but was able to wake this morning, get the dishes done, twins fed, and up to the grocery store before the school bus came :)
I was able to walk at lunch, thought I was keeping it gentle, still walked 2 miles in 20 minutes :) All in all, I am feeling stronger. I don't feel as exhausted as I was when I was sick and I am alert. I am amazed at how easy it is for me to get foggy but at the same time, come out of it and feel like I can handle things.
So looking into the idea that I should have a sick day protocol for my diet, I am thinking it is a good idea. I do need to work at having my snacks and meals planned for me each day so I know exactly what I am going to eat and there is no wondering. I do eat on the fly a lot. I'm a nurse with an ICU background...when we got a break, it was usually interrupted so I learned to wolf down my food with no concern of what that food was, it was just food. I still have a habit of eating fast. I am working on it and improving, but it doesn't help that Kat is a nurse as well, so we have the same eating habit.
By knowing what I am going to eat, it will help on those days when I don't feel good. I need to make sure I keep my list with me. One of the things I have noticed is that if I have one indiscretion during the day, I throw the whole day out. Its a, well, I've already gone over my calories for the day, so I might as well eat what I want. So, I take what was a small slip and make it into a big one. I'm not sure what feelings are driving that behavior; it is consistent though.
As I think about it, I've watched my Mom have the same behavior. She would give up and binge; and here I am doing the same thing. Is my behavior learned? Is there a motive behind it? Am I just giving up on myself because it is too hard to keep going? I don't know as of this time. What I can say is, my first reaction to keep from getting hurt is to throw the baby out w/ the bath water. If I am not in a knee jerk reaction, I try to look at the problem, see as many sides as I can then make a decision.
For me, identifying the problem, looking at it from various sides and making a decision does not take very long. Again, this comes from being a nurse for 20+ years and working in the ICU. My knee jerk reaction comes from being hurt so many times in my interpersonal relationships that I'd rather get rid of everything and start over new than work through the pain. Thank goodness I have kept that part of me in check w/ Kat. It is so nice to have a partner who wants to work on our issues, is open to talking things through (without throwing things) and is willing to work on her stuff as I am working on mine.
So, what is it about my relationship with food that causes me to have a knee jerk reaction and throw everything out? This has been the hardest area for me to deal with. I can objectively look at my behaviors, usually, but actually looking at and understanding my relationship with food, this stumps me. It is almost if I analyze my relationship with food, it will reveal some deep dark secret that I may not be able to deal with. Funny thing is, I used to be afraid of myself and especially my dark side. Thanks to lots of years of therapy, my belief in Judaism, and an incredibly supportive partner, my dark side doesn't scare me anymore. I realize that there is light and dark in everyone and that my dark needs to be embraced not ignored. Why can't I do the same w/ food?
In time, I hope to answer that question. For now, I am getting stronger, feeling better, and continuing forward on my journey for health.
No comments:
Post a Comment