Hunger

Update:

Weight 253.8 lbs
Net Cal: +295
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 minutes, 35 min walk at lunch

I am feeling very hungry today.  It is always so hard to deal with the rumbling of my stomach.  It also doesn't help that I have been thrown out of my routine.  I usually do not eat much bread, but in the last couple of weeks, I have eaten more sandwiches than usual.  We also don't eat out much, again, in the last couple of weeks we have eaten out more than usual.  Knowing this, I am surprised that I haven't increased my weight. 

When I get stress hungry, I munch on crunchy stuff; but not just any crunchy stuff, but carb crunchy stuff.  I am pretty sure that my hunger is a combination of stress hunger and menstrual hunger.  I was looking at the graph of my weight for the last month.  I started monitoring right as I ended my period in the middle of July.  I see a pattern.  Unfortunately, since I had a period 2 weeks later, I again had the same weight fluctuation, but not quite as drastic.  It will be interesting to see if I have another period in a short time and to see if the pattern continues. 

I can say, my clothes continue to get loose.  I may not be loosing weight but my clothing, shirts in particular, are beginning to hang differently.  My shorts are fitting looser as well around the thigh.  I know that I am toning up which is important.  I am getting more definition in my legs and arms.  I keep thinking about how I want to look for our wedding next year.  I also have hung a picture of myself from 1996 when I was around 160 lbs to show me that I have been there.  These are ways for me to stay motivated without the obsessive control that I get into. 

I am seeing signs that I am feeling better about my body.  Kat read that coconut oil helps with acne and dry skin, so she bought some.  I am applying it daily; this is a very unusual practice for me.  I don't preen unless I am feeling good.  Like many depressives, actual body care is not my priority.  So the fact that I used Kat's new face electric razor to trim my chin hairs and then this morning put on the eye brow attachment in an effort to thin out my unibrow (lets just say I now have a dotted line rather than a unibrow) tells me that I am feeling better about myself.  I am beginning to feel like I want to spiff myself up for Kat, and for me.

One issue though of me spiffing up is that I like wearing masculine clothing.  I like wearing button down shirts with ties.  While I am comfortable being me at home and in the LGBT community, I still am nervous dressing this way in the general public or with family.  The thing is, wearing the masculine clothing I feel like I look good.  I feel attractive and I have a confidence in myself that really shows through.  So by staying fat, I don't have to worry about this issue.  I don't want to look good so I don't wear the clothing I really like and therefore don't have to deal with the negative comments, looks, or jabs.  Again, I stay safe by being fat.

I have challenged the status quo time and again whether or not I wanted to.  I try to avoid it, but in the end, I have to stand up and do the right thing.  So I guess I just have to accept that I will get comments, looks, and jabs, but in the end I am being true to me and feeling good about myself.  I do hope that those who I encounter that do have an issue with the way I dress will take the opportunity to get to know me and realize that my freak flag isn't any different then their freak flag.

Successes: Lunch walk! Thanks Lynn!  Shirts are feeling looser as well as the thighs of my pants/shorts/boxers.  I actually look tan ;)

Barriers: HUNGRY!!  Anxiety about going home and munching.  Questioning of myself about will I truly change.