Feeling Good Day 1

Feeling better today.  Woke up on my own, showered, and my weight is down to 245.8 lbs.  Looking at a moderately busy day, grocery shopping, then soccer and end of soccer season pizza party, then going out Hanukkah shopping w/ my lover.  Tomorrow is a bit smoother, Hebrew school in the morning, then Kat's parents are coming over to celebrate her Mother's birthday (its on Halloween...lucky woman :) 

What I am trying to remind myself is, not to fill up the quiet spaces with projects.  I look out at our deck and I need to get out there, pull all the dead plants out and get our bulbs in.  I need to keep working on the kitchen reorganization; we were able to get the kitchen functional, but there is still so much we want to do. 

Today is just one day of feeling good and already my head is going, I can do this and this and this.  It is kind of scary, especially in light of seeing what my Father does and how it effects him and the family.  I want to be more aware of what I am doing, not be a robot.  As my therapist, Anita, and Kat are always reminding me, I don't have an "S" on my chest.  I am not Superwoman.  Yet when I feel strong, I think I could be Superwoman.

So my goal today is to enjoy each activity and relish the quite spaces in between.  To find solace in that I am strong and that I feel good and not feel the push to use that strength and good feeling up because I don't know how long it will last.  What if I am aware, will these feelings last longer?  Will I be able to keep going?  Only time can answer these questions.

“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.” Joseph Campbell 

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

That pretty much sums up my day!  It has been a really bad day.  To make it worse, my PCP started messing with my Celexa (anti-depressent) because he felt the dose I was on was too high and might cause heart damage.  Anita (my therapist) was talking about starting me on Lamictal and then tapering the Celexa.  Over the last 2 weeks, I have become increasingly agitated and cranky.  Today I just felt out of control!  My brain, my emotions, my body all were betraying me and I can't keep anything under control.

Plus it has been an awful day!  Nothing going right!  Just one of those days where I wish I could push a fast forward button to get to the next day.  I hope tomorrow will be better.  I am looking forward to taking the twins to a family movie night at their school.  We are going to see Spooky Buddies...yeah, I know...but its w/ the girlies :)

So off to bed I go, hopefully for some restful sleep and a better day tomorrow!

Not Much to Say

I don't really have much to say today.  I am still fighting being hungry all of the time.  My weight is steady at 249.4 lbs. 

Last night, as I was going for an evening bowl of cereal, Kat asked me, "Are you really hungry or are you just munchy?"  Well, my answer was some of both.  I know I'm munchy, but I am also having hunger pangs and a growly belly.  I didn't know if I would be able to sleep without eating.  Then Kat suggested that I just have half a cup of cereal.  I immediately agreed to that idea.  It made sense to put some into my belly to stop the pangs, but also knew I did't need to really eat.  This worked quite well!  I had no other issues the rest of the night. 

I'm trying to keep this in practice today as I continue to struggle with feelings of hunger and rumbling of my stomach.  I drink plenty of fluids, bring healthy snacks and lunch, yet it still isn't enough. So forward I go to tomorrow and another blessing, another opportunity, another success :)

Failure

I am having to remind myself that what is happening with my eating is not a failure.  Like anything in life, there are forces beyond our control that affect us.  I am attempting to curb and control my eating by making sure that I keep healthy snacks in the house and keep a reign on what I do eat. 

My sense of failure, like many people, comes from not meeting the expectations that my parents had for me.  Never feeling quite good enough.  As an adult I can see that what I perceived as disapproval was just good ole' parental concern.  Then my first 2 wives reinforced that perception of not being good enough, of failing.  My part was that I was looking for reinforcement of the perception.  I sought out people who would continue to tell me how I don't measure up to what they wanted.  In a way, I set myself up to fulfill what was comfortable or me. 

I have been speaking a lot with my Sister lately and she has said several things about my Dad that have just slapped me across the face.  First of all, what has happened between my Dad and me, is difficult to explain.  I love my Dad, but am also learning that others see the same things I am in him and that what I've been taking so personally the last 15 years may not be directed at me, but just how Dad is.

One of the things my Sister said is that no matter what she tries to do to take things off of Dad's plate, he fills that space up with more things.  Through this process he always feels under pressure and has a reason to be frustrated.  I knew that I got my intense drive from my Dad, but hearing Beth talk about filling his plate up really took me aback.  That is the same issue I have.  I fill up my plate so there is no Me time.  I get all sorts of projects going and then fall flat on my face from exhaustion....hmmm sounds familiar.

I am beginning to see, not only where I have learned some of my behaviors, but how I have adapted them to suit my needs and my dysfunctions.  In doing so, I am gaining some understanding into my relationships with my family of origin (that sounds a bit removed now doesn't it).  I am close with my family; my Sister is an incredible woman who has overcome barriers and thrived.  Both my Mom and Dad are good people who are doing their best, just like a majority of us; schlepping along trying to find the lotus in the muck.

So as I heal, I begin to see the humanity of my family rather than the dysfunction.  I realize that what I have perceived as my failures to meet expectations may have been the greatest triumphs of my life.  I have become true to myself and to who God has made, and I couldn't have done that without my family.

If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Rough Weekend

Weekends are difficult for me regardless, but this past weekend seemed rougher than usual.  I have been constantly hungry; I can't seem to not eat.  I have been craving sweets and crunchy snacks.  I am always hungry and can't seem to stop thinking about food.  The good news is that we don't have anything overly damaging in the house.  I spent most of my time munching on veggie chips.  I was able to scrounge up some cookies that Kat had hidden, but only ate 4.  There was one piece of cheesecake left.  Since Kat isn't able to eat it anytime soon due to some medical problems, I ate that.  I also ate apples and caramel.

I am continuing to have issues today as well.  I can't seem to stop eating.  My caloric intake today is struggling.  I am continuing to keep up with my exercise.  My weight is back up to 250 lbs.  I am really having to keep reminding myself that I am strong and can keep this up.  I have caught myself saying things like, just give up, why am I doing this if this is what is going to happen, I can't do this anymore I should just give in.  I counter this with I am strong and I am working on this and becoming more aware.

I am Strong, I am Invincible, I am Me...the good, the bad, and the beautiful!  I did get out for a walk this afternoon at lunch.  Today was a beautiful Autumn day here in Portland.  I am continuing to move and try to keep up with my work outs.  I am feeling more motivated to keep going, just the feeling that I need to eat is an issue.  I try to ignore it, but that makes it worse.  When I acknowledge it, I get hungrier.  This feels like a no win situation;  I will succeed though, I will keep working on my health.  I will keep focused.  I can and will do this!