I am feeling really icky right now. I have caught the cold that has been going around combined with feeling really depressed, makes for a cranky lady. I collapsed on Sunday and it continued through yesterday and on into today. Today I did make it to work, but struggled through.
I keep asking myself, why now? Is it the change in weather? There isn't any new stress, so why? Well, one thing I realized is that as I am feeling better, I am putting too much on myself. When Kat's Dad says that I try to do too much and push myself too hard, then I know there is a problem. I have not been giving myself space. I feel good and want to get all my projects done. In doing so, I am loosing that space between letters. I get my work out time during the week, but on the weekend, I don't; my weekend workouts are running around doing chores, shopping, ect.
In my opinion, this boils down to, I need to watch what I get involved with in terms of commitments because even though I feel good and can "do" it, doesn't mean I should. Not only is it pushing me, but it is pushing the family, the twins especially. I don't want them to grow up without space. I want them to enjoy their down time and just allow themselves to "be". So much of my life is trying to make sure that the twins have the best possible growing up experience (and to experience everything they can) that I forget to teach them to slow down too.
I am beginning to realize how much I am like my Dad. The man never takes care of himself, and if he has any energy at all, he is working on a project. Over the weekend, as I felt myself beginning to fall apart, I heard myself talk about all the projects around the house I want to get done. I stopped, and went oh my, those are the exact words my Dad uses when he is exhausted. It scares me to think how much like my Dad that I am.
While I was out on my walk today, I got to thinking, why am I pushing so hard, and I realized that I am so scared to loose my progress and improvements, that if I stop I may go back to the way I was, just like every other time. I've worked so hard to come the short ways I have, but I don't want to loose that progress. I like who I am becoming, I want to continue the journey and if I stop will it all go away? Will previous habits once again rule my world, my eating, my exercising? Will I once again fail at becoming healthy? It really scares me.
So here I am, scared about the future and my ability to keep up without running myself into the ground; scared about the behaviors and attitudes I see that come from my Father, and fearful of the normal process cycle that includes back sliding. What do I do besides stay on course as much as possible. I keep reminding myself that I am "strong like bull" (as my therapist Anita says) when the negative talk sneaks back in. Take one walk at a time, one foot in front of the other. Rejoice each morning when I awaken that I have another chance at making the world a better place.
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