Cranky and Easily Irritated

I have been really cranky the last few days!  There are people that are driving me up the wall with their incompetence and self aggrandizing.  I am finding that I have no patience and that I fantasize about telling them what I think and where to go.  All of this is outside of my norm.  I am very tactful and been told that I am understated.  I can usually work with anyone, but right now, I just want to be left alone unless I am hanging w/ my Buds.  Don't bother me and let me do my work!

I the past, this kind of pulling inward was usually a sign that I was beginning to be more depressed.  I wouldn't say I'm more depressed, I am not feeling well.  I'm afraid I'm coming down w/ a cold, but again, that doesn't usually bring out the grumpy gills in me (ok, Kat might disagree with that).  Right now all I want to do is pull in, do my job, be held and cuddled, and find a warm, safe hole to climb in.

I am feeling very vulnerable and exposed.  I have been taught that to feel vulnerable and exposed is dangerous; it is a sign of weakness.  How do I continue to feel strong when I feel so unsafe?  I know in my head that vulnerability is not weakness, but tell my heart that.  Tell my psyche that I'm ok, I'm safe, and I'm strong when I feel that I have nothing to hang on to. 

I am not unique at examining my life and asking, am I doing enough.  I know that I have done good in my life; that there are many a person whom I have aided, supported, and cared for.  That I am successful in who I am, that I have a good career, an amazing family, and a circle of friends that I am honored to be amongst.  Is there more?  The fact that I am working so hard not to take on more, is that good?  Am I doing right by me?  Am I following what God wants? 

In the past, these questions have lead to a road not taken.  I have wandered through opportunity followed by opportunity with no real direction.  While I have done things in my life I had no idea even existed because of this, there is also a lack of certainty or stability in waiting for the next opportunity.  Then when I decide to stay put, I get bored.  I watched my Dad bounce from job to job because he got bored.  I am forcing myself to stay in my current position because it is a stable position that provides for the family.  Am I bored, yes, but I am less willing to take a risk right now than I was in my younger years.

So here I am, with a yearning, a desire, a wanderlust.  Wanting to go out and find those new adventures, to travel, to find what invigorates me and flames my passions; yet staying put, digging my feet in, and creating stability for me and my family.  When will the right time to move on be?  Will my fear of upsetting the apple cart prevent me from following my gut when the time comes?  What do I do to quench this restlessness I am feeling?

I have no answers.  I do keep reminding myself, I am strong, I am invincible, I am ME!

“Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.”

 Thomas Alva Edison