Whoo Hoo!! I'm down to 244.2 lbs!! It feels really good to be going in the right direction. I have to admit I'm hungry, but it isn't a ravenous hunger. In fact, I was really impressed with myself over the weekend. On Friday night, Kat and I went to dinner. I looked at the menu thinking that a steak sounded good, but the steak that I was wanting was 9 oz! My first though was, that is a lot of meat, I can't eat that much. So Kat and I talked about it and we split the meal. Not only was it economical, we both walked away feeling sated but not stuffed. Today, while I was out running around, the kids asked for lunch at Sonic. I so rarely take the kids to fast food, that I agreed. I wasn't going to order anything, but acknowledged that I was hungry, so I ordered a Jr. Deluxe Hamburger; it was all I needed. It felt good to see the awareness and decisions that are now being made :)
Over the time that I have been writing this blog, I have been surprised at the number of people who are reading, the actual people who are reading, and the support and encouragement I've received from everyone :) I get a very similar comment from most people, that I am courageous or brave to write this blog. I've been thinking about this particular comment and have come to a conclusion, for this to work, I have to be honest with myself and with the readers. I have to say when I mess up, when I make good choices, expose those things that may be shameful, and learn to accept my good qualities.
Why am I trying so hard to be honest about my habits, thoughts, beliefs, and emotional state, so I can be held accountable. If no one knows what is the reality of my situation, then I have no one to hold me responsible. Even if no one was reading the blog, without the honesty, it would not work. Knowing that people are reading, then I know I can't get away with anything.
Over the years of being a nurse, I have heard the excuses, the if I just change this one thing the rest will happen, the non- introspective "solutions", and have always wondered how we can be so deluded; yet I was, and to some extent will always be the same way. I have to be willing to look at myself, my whole self, and accept those things that I use as excuses. Accept that I am human and know that I will slip at times, that is part of the process. To be gentle with myself when I do slip is needed and something I'm not very good with, but I have seen improvement over the years. I've been more willing to say, yes I have responsibility, but I am learning from it and moving forward. I am willing to look at the information given to me and research what I need to do to change the issue. I am willing to try new things and may actually find something that is working for me. I couldn't approach this change if I wasn't being honest.
I keep challenging myself to see what the reality is, not my skewed perception. I like my delusions at time, that I don't have any responsibility or control, but I do and I can't run from it. My body is responding to the feeling of strength that is coming from being totally open to the situation. My emotions are more stable and I am happier. I am closer with God at this time, seeing the blessings and beauty in the world God has given us.
I pray that all of us can find that honesty within us and show the world that those things within us that frighten us or we feel ashamed about are not anything to hide. The lightness can drive out the dark corners that we shove all the stuff we don't want anyone else to see, if you bring it out, it no longer has a hold on you.
“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
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