Start of a New Year

Fall has always triggered a feeling of new beginnings, a clean slate.  School has started, the cooler weather is sliding into place, Rosh Hashanah is a week away, and the fall harvest has begun.  It feels like life is taking off again and I am rejuvenated by it. 

My summer sucked every minute and all the energy I had was poured into getting ready for Kat and my wedding.  On August 26, we were married!  It was an amazing experience and incredible day.  The love and generosity that we had during this time was so beyond words.  There are not enough thank yous to our friends and family.

So, of course, I haven't been blogging, that would require energy that I didn't have.  I also, wasn't as focused on watching what I eat.  I did continue to walk, but not as consistently.  Amazingly enough, my weight maintained around 247 lbs.  It seems that my body is now comfortable between 247 and 249.  I am slowly working my way down.  I am hoping that as I continue to slowly loose weight that I will continue to make each weight loss the new normal.

I get frustrated sometimes because I'm not loosing weight as fast as some of my friends.  My doctor reminded me that I have lost 15 lbs this year.  That is a good, slow weight loss.  I am doing things right.  Both Kat and I are re-dedicating ourselves to working on our health since the wedding is over.

My new life as a married woman begins as does the new year (for Jews).  I have always loved fall and in my bones have always felt that new year belonged in the fall.  There is lots of activity in the fall, start of school and after school activities/ sports, the High Holy Days, Sukkot, Simtach Torah, the starting of Hebrew school, Halloween, and Thanksgiving.  Fall always seems to fly by in the blink of an eye. 

With all being so busy, I am reminding myself that I need to engage in those things that make me happy: laughing and playing w/ our children, snuggling up to my wife on a cold evening, watching football with a steaming bowl of homemade chili, watching the leaves turn colors, feeling the fall breeze on my skin, the sound of the shofar, the Shma being sung, warm sweaters, and family hugs.

This is the season of renewal, a time to atone for our sins, a time to make right that which we did wrong, a time to forgive others and ourselves, a time to come just a little closer to what G-d made us to be.  Part of that for me is continuing on this road to health.  Continuing the weight loss through diet and exercise.  Finding activities that I enjoy that keep me active. 

It is all about love, love of others, love of G-d and love of self...each year I find something else I love about who I am.  Find what it is you love about yourself, it makes the journey so worth the effort.

L'shanah Tova!!

Renewed Drive

Summer has arrived here in the Pacific Northwest!  It is so hard to be patient until July 5th, but it is soooo worth it :) 

We have had really strange weather this spring, early summer.  Our weather changes have been very rapid and quite drastic.  With this, my asthma gets really bad.  I have been on Prednisone twice in the last 3 months, that's not good.  In fact, my diabetic lab, hemaglobin A1c was up at 7.7.  We think it is because of the Prednisone, but aren't taking any chances. I have started paying more attention to my carb intake, making sure I'm eating more fruits and veggies.  I am walking at least 3 times a week; sometimes more. 

I love that I am feeling better right now.  I am beginning to see, that the times when I struggle the most are probably times when I can't really breath.  Right this second, I'm tapering my Prednisone dose down and the weather is staying stable, so I am breathing.  I feel good right now. 

I took the girls swimming the other day, and it felt nice to be back in the pool.  I can tell it has been a long time since I"ve swam, but just to get into the water and play w/ the kids was great! All in all, I am looking at my life and feeling good about it.  Again, we'll see how long it lasts, but I'll ride the wave.

Fast Forward 1 Month

I received an email from a friend of mine on the East coast of the United States asking, where's the blog?
Well, here it is :)

It has been quite a month.  My new job has kept me very busy!  I am finally beginning to settle in; no day will be like another.  This job is very fast pace, which I LOVE!  It is like being an ICU nurse without having to worry that I'm going to make a mistake and kill someone.  As with any job, there is quite a bit of stress.  I do bring the stress home, but I do try to leave most of the stress at work.  Kat tells me that I'm not really as successful at this as I hope I am :)

I have had a lot of positive feed back about the changes that are coming along in the clinic since I've hired on.  While I'm glad that things are getting better, I hope that I will be able to avoid getting into a rut and stop looking for ways to improve our care for our patients.  It has only been 3 months, but it feels like I have been here forever.  I love the people, I love the work, it just couldn't be a better fit for me!

I also pursued my hearing aids, and have been wearing them for ~ 2 weeks.  It is sooooo amazing!  Not just the richness to the sounds that I've been missing, but the technology itself is mind blowing.  I have a streamer, neck loop, that I wear around my neck that connects with the blue tooth in my hearing aids.  This streamer allows me to use my hearing aids for a cell phone headset, amplify the television, and even has a jack for me to plug my ipod into it, so no headphones!  I have to admit it is quite weird though, since I have bilateral (both sides) hearing aids, when I use my hearing aids for my cell phone hands free set, it sounds like the person I am talking to is actually in my head :)~

There have been ups and downs over the last month.  The downs have lead me to having Dairy Queen Blizzards 5 nights out of the week.  Then Abigail and Helen calling me on it because they would find the evidence the next morning in the trash.  It is a very humbling moment when your 8 year old daughter starts talking to you about finding a way to resist temptation.  With that, I have gone to Dairy Queen twice...trying to make better choices.

I am continuing to see changes in my body shape.  My weight is stable between 245 and 248.  All of my 42 in waist clothes are fitting or big.  The 22 slacks I bought for work require a belt.  There are still good things happening, just slow.  I was thinking about it, I have lost 15-20 lbs since the beginning of the year.  That is about 2-3 lbs per month.  That is a nice healthy rate and I have a better chance of keeping it off.  It's hard, I get discouraged because I'm not dropping the weight as fast as my friends, but I keep telling myself, the weight that I"ve dropped will stay off because I'm taking it slow.  

My hope is to have another 10 lbs off by the end of the year.  I think that is a reasonable goal.  Of course there is a wedding between now and then too ;)

Breathe...

I am fighting my asthma right now.  Some days I am feeling better, then other days I am struggling to breathe.  Today is a struggling day.  Yesterday morning I struggled, but by afternoon, I was much better; figured the Prednisone had kicked in.  I am having to take it easy w/ my walking; not push myself too much.  I am finding that it is hard to not just fall into my walking rhythm.  I have to consciously slow myself down.  Being short of breath does take my energy away as well.  I am trying to keep moving, not get too sedentary, but it is hard.  It doesn't help that the Prednisone is causing me to feel hungry.  Good news, my new pants still fit and are not snug!

Today is now Thursday.  I am feeling better.  Had a nice brisk walk w/ a co-worker at lunch.  The Prednisone has really taken a hold, I am in energizer bunny phase.  Kat is taking my goals of turning off the TV at night and reading or just having time together w/ a grain of salt, as she should.  It is when I come down off of Prednisone that we'll see if I can maintain my ideas. 

We have continued to keep our weekends fairly low key.  Last weekend was busy, but so much fun!  It was Kat's birthday so on Saturday we went to the Saturday Market w/ the kids, had a wonderful dinner w/ Kat a Petite Provance in the Alberta district.  We then drove around looking at the different neighborhoods on the East side of town.  Sunday we went up to Kat's parents and had a really nice and relaxed day, good food, good conversation, and celebrating another year with Kat.

Fast forward to Monday, Memorial Day here in the US.  Have not been as active this weekend as I would have liked.  Saturday I did make 10,000 steps, yesterday, not so much.  I think today may be about average.  We have had a nice and relaxing weekend.  Not a whole lot going on, some geocaching, walk to the park, walks to the stores and other areas near home.  Today, I have to get all the documentation for the girls to be enrolled in home schooling next year and try to start cleaning out our storage locker.  Then back to work tomorrow.

During all of this, I have struggled w/ my asthma off and on.  Weather has been wacky for here, so that hasn't been helping.  Eating this weekend has been horrible.  Lots of salt!  Though, some I have binged some, not as badly has I have in the past and man do I pay for it!  Pants are still loose and I am feeling better about my weight.  All in all, I feel like I am in a good space.

So I figure, I should publish this broken up post before I have to add another day to it.  I am looking forward to a busy week at work and the love of family at home.  I am one happy and lucky woman!

My Pants!

So I've been more lax on the food thing.  I haven't been eating anywhere near what I used to, but my choices are not the best right now.  Also, I am bloated and just feeling fat in general.  Today, my pants are snug...not tight...but not as loose as I am used to. 

As I am lamenting on this fact I realized...yes, these pants feel snug, but they are also a size smaller!  By acknowledging the success I have had my mind set is changing.  Yes, I am feeling fat, but I am fat.  Yes, I know I'm not closely watching every morsel I put in my mouth, but I know that the amount of food I used to eat and the amount of food I eat now are drastically different.  And most of all, snug pants aren't a bad thing when it is a size less than you are used to your snug pants being :D

It is the small goals that help keep me focused.  It is hard to recognize and acknowledge the small victories.  What I caught myself doing today showed me how easy it is to overlook them.  My pants feel snug, snug equals feeling fat, feeling fat equals feeling depressed.  I've had this feeling before, many time before.  With the familiar feeling, came my usual reactions.  By acknowledging that I am a size smaller, I have interrupted that feedback loop and feel better about myself.  If I can keep this in mind, I should be able to lay down new neural pathways that will begin to change my reactions to the feeling of snug pants.

In many ways I feel like Yoda was speeding to me "You must unlearn what you have learned". As a Mom, I realize there are many things that we do as parents that our children will have to unlearn as adults. I know that years of snug pants lead me to the feelings I have about snug pants, it is now time to let those feelings go and learn a better way to react to snug pants. I am now on the hunt for other things that I must unlearn. Other places where my reactions are left over from years of negative input and continue to embrace the challenge of unlearning. As Bruce the shark from Nemo....I am not a mindless eating machine. It takes awareness and a willingness to look at what may not be pretty, but those are things that can be changed. Cheers to change!!

Readers...what do you think?

Another wonderful weekend!!  The twins and I went out shopping Saturday morning, then Kat and I got some time alone Saturday afternoon, so where do we go...the same place every other Portlander goes when the weather is nice...Home Depot!  We have several planter boxes on our deck (made by yours truly) and it is time to get herbs and flowers planted.  The other thing that Kat and I are starting up is a compost bin.  We needed to get some red worms for the bin, so we went to Pet Smart...and of course we come home w/ worms and a bird! 

Kermit is a green Parakeet and is just the most active, loving bird.  He is still unsure of  his new surroundings, but he is getting to know us and even landed on my shoulder yesterday when he was out for his fly.  I had forgotten how cool it was to have a bird on your shoulder and how calming hearing them sing is.  While I was unsure about this, I am finding that Kermit is adding to our home in a very soothing and calming way.

I was thinking this weekend about this blog.  There are lots of blogs out there that focus on food, exercise, different types of diets.  I have shared some of my insights as I have been working through how to get my weight off and keep it off.  I know that the blog reaches out to people by the friends I know who talk to me about it and by the international readers that the blog has.  I continue to be surprised by the countries where this blog is being read. 

So I have questions for my readers, what is it that keeps bringing you back to read the blog?  Is there something you'd like to see added to the blog?  What do you feel the blog is missing that would help you on your journey to health?

I am realizing that while this blog started as a way for me to track what I was doing and to keep me accountable, I never really thought anyone would read it.  This blog can continue to be what I need, a record of my journey and a way to hold me accountable for my behaviors, but I am hoping to learn from those who read this blog as well.  For this blog to become a dialogue where we can all learn from each other.  So let me know what you would like to see, what you feel is missing, my guess is that it will be something that would be of benefit for myself and others as well

Thanks!

In a Different Space

This has been a strange week, good, but strange. I am more engaged in work than I have been in quite sometime.  I am exhausted when I get home, but it feels good.  There is a lot of stress, and Kat takes the brunt by listening to me groan, but then she says, no more work, you are here and you are mine.  That makes all the difference in the world to me.
So here I am, a week later. I find that I don't have time to blog. Things that I have discovered have been thrilling and empowering. First off, I am down to 246.8 lbs. I am only 2.8 lbs off of my lowest weight last year! I received my new pants. I ordered them a size smaller than I was wearing. When I put them on, I was very surprised...the fit and are a little big :) Feeling good about the progress I am making. I am realizing I am invigorated by my new job. I am realizing that my job reminds me of when I used to work in the ICU. I love the fast pace and how I have to really engage in the job. I don't have the anxiety of drug administration or missing a critical symptom. I am finding that patient care is coming back quickly and there is a wisdom and confidence behind the tasks that I am doing. It feels good to feels great to use all of my experiences and knowledge to help our patients, but also help my team optimize our ability to provide excellence in care. I am strong and feel great!

Serenity

After a really horrible 3 weeks, it seems as though life is settling down.  What I am most excited about is, in the midst of all the turmoil, I still managed to keep to my walking and didn't loose it as much w/ my eating and  I lost 2 lbs.  My weight this morning was 248.8 lbs.  I am only 4.8 lbs heavier than at my lowest weight last year.  It feels good!  I am feeling more confident today. I am sleeping better. I was able to get a couple of hours for myself yesterday. I went for a 5 mile walk in a little under 2 hours. Amazingly I wasn't that sore today. In fact, I didn't feel stiff or sore even after today's walk. I put a lot of this down to taking the time to relax and ground myself with who I am, with my wife and kids, with my God, and with my friends. My sense of humor is coming back and I feel a calm and assurance I have been missing for awhile. I am feeling stronger, healthier, and sexier. I know that I have it in me to complete this journey and start a new chapter in my life. I have to be paitent; not my strongist trait. As a friend and co-worker says, I can't die today because I learned something :)

Rising Above

My life continues to be absolutely nuts!  Classes for my new job, trying to get the hang of advice nursing while trying to create a team oriented environment and making sure that I am available for the team.  My family of origin is still having many issues that have been weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  Not to mention the little day to day stuff that is usually easily weathered are now bigger issues because I have so many other things demanding my emotional strength.

For instance, last Saturday I took the Saturn in to have a lock mechanism replaced; should have taken 1 hour.  I went for a walk and got back at an hour and a half.  I was told, a bolt broke and they were having to drill it out, be another 15-20 minutes.  Checked in around 15 minutes, having a difficult time getting the bolt out, then once they finish the job, the guys working on the car locked the keys in the car...yep...of course my only set are in the car.  My insurance cards are in the car as well, so they couldn't give me a loaner car, so I had to wait for the tow truck to show up and pop the lock. 

This is how the last 2 weeks have been.  I've been depressed, weighed down, feel like I've been slogging through the deepest mud.  On Friday, I started reminding myself that I am stronger than all of this crap.  I don't have to react to this stuff.  Thanks to my friend, Lynn, she has kept me walking at my lunch break at work.  My eating habits are different w/ the new job, my caloric intake during the day has dropped drastically.  It does mean that I have been eating more in the evenings, including junk.  I am working on this and have continued w/ the snack bags. 

One of the other things I wrestle with is keeping on some of my maintenance medications; especially my maintenance inhaler for my asthma.  I have started catching myself saying, I can just miss one day, its no big deal, I don't want to deal w/ the inhaler today.  Being more aware of these thoughts, I have been able to encourage myself to keep on my medications; reminding myself that my health is better because I have been compliant with my treatment plan and keeping with it is the only way I can continue to feel better and have fewer health issues. 

I am stronger than all of this.  Stronger than the emotional crap, stronger that the physical fatigue, stronger than my sabotaging subconscious. 

I am finding ways to keep myself rejuvenated.  Thanks to Kat for making the best suggestion ever, to take a drive last Saturday.  She had never been down the Columbia River Gorge, so we took the scenic route up to Vista House, then down through Multnomah Falls, Horse Tail Falls, Onteana Gorge.  We then drove to Hood River, cut up HWY 35 to Mt. Hood.  We stopped at Timberline Lodge, which still had snow, and then drove back home.  It was an amazing trip.  We all had a wonderful time.  I walked over 15,000 steps that day. 

The weather has been aggravating my asthma.  Even with that aggravation, I have managed to walk about 30-40 minutes the last couple of days.  I am not walking today, I felt that I needed to take my lunch hour to blog, to get these feelings and ideas down.  I will also miss my walk on Friday because of a doctor appointment.  I will find other means to cope. 

I have created a playlist called Pump It Up.  It is music that speaks to my heart and soul.  While some of it is loud, fast, and just a way to release stress through head banging, most are songs that I find give me peace.  I am finding that I will sit in my car when I get to work listening to a song or two in preparation for the day ahead.  I am finding time with Kat is rejuvenating as well.  She and I are in a good place and I love her so much.  Having her just sit with me, cuddle with me, hold my hand makes the stress of the day seem less important. 

I need my me time, but am finding while my walking is uber important, I need to find time for me to do other things that help me stay focused and healthy as well.  So my hope is that I will find a way to take a day off of walking during the week and be able to blog.  This new job is wonderful, but I am so tired when I get home, I don't want to process or think about much besides my family and the love I have for them.

Find your strength, your saboteur and find a way to keep yourself in check.  Find a way to see how strong you are and how you can rise above the crap of our lives.  Take that crap and let it go, stop reacting, and start climbing.  The climb will help purge all the toxic emotions and in the end, you will find that you can prevent yourself from reacting and be healthy.

Uncertain times

This is a time of great change in my life.  I've taken a new job that allows me to use both my MBA and RN.  I am the RN team lead for a very large internal medicine clinic.  I love the job, I love the people I'm working with, but as with any new job, my balance is off as I am learning the new role.  With all of the changes, I am looking for ways to help myself feel confident and keep in mind that I am capable. It is scary, the confidence others in the clinic have in my ability to bring our team together. I keep reminding myself that there is a reason others trust and believe that I am capable to work well with this team. Who am I to question what many other people see in me? I need to give myself pep talks each morning, but I know in time I will believe what I tell myself. Kat and I are talking about buying me some new shirts that will help me feel confident. I have no regrets about taking this job. I love the opportunity that I have before me and love how the team I work with is ready to make our team excel.

What a week

I can't even begin to explain last week!  I started my new job, we lost Kat's bio-mom, I was dealing with hormones, allergies were awful thanks to lots of pollen, the cooky weather set my asthma off, had a huge rowe with my Dad, and a good friend of ours is going through a tough time and we are very concerned about him.  Needless to say, my stress level has been quite elevated.  With an increase in stress comes issues with eating.

It didn't help that last week was also Passover; our eating pattern and diet are different during Passover.  I wanted to binge but was restricted by the dietary laws of Passover.  In some ways this was good but what happened was I binged on higher fat foods like Macaroons, Brie, and ice cream.  Binging on matzah just didn't sound right.

Good news is, I continued to walk during this time.  I did not gain any weight.  Plus it seems this is a situational issue rather than a true depressive episode.  I walked again today, it helped with some of the left over tension.

I have been making good strides.  My work pants have been getting baggy.  Last week I was afraid that my pants would fall down every time I stood up.  The next day I put my belt on...I normally wear my belt on the first hole with my jeans, I went to the second hole on the belt.  It felt good! 

So even during this time of upheaval, I am finding ways to make sure I keep my behaviors and habits in the forefront of my mind.  I was aware of what was happening and was still able to decrease the amount of binging and had better control of what I binged on.

I am looking forward to this week.  I know it will be a rough week, but my mood is improving and I like what I am doing at my new job.  I am lucky to have Kat and the girlies to help me keep perspective.

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Passover & Easter

I was very happy about how things went this weekend.  We had two wonderful meals and I never felt like I over ate.  I stayed within my calorie limit and still enjoyed the desserts. 

Our Seder was amazing.  Great food and awesome conversation.  We talked about ideas and beliefs.  It was great to hear what the girls thought and had learned in Hebrew school. 

We spent Easter with Kat's parents.  Another wonderful meal and great company.  It was relaxing and restful.  I only walked 3500 steps yesterday, but had walked over 11000 on Saturday. 

I found this weekend rejuvenating.  We were busy, but through it all I found that was still able to take care of me.  It felt good.

I also started my new job today.  I have taken a team lead position.  I have a lot to learn and am looking forward to spreading my wings.

It is going to be a good week.

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Munchy

Have I mentioned that the weather changes rapidly here in the Pacific Northwest?  Yesterday was a gorgeous spring day with sun and temperatures around 60 degrees Fahrenheit.  Today, gray, constant rain, high temperature of maybe 50 degrees Fahrenheit and a low of 38 degrees Fahreheit.  These rapid changes play havoc w/ my asthma. I get very tired because I am fighting to breath.

I wasn't able to finish this blog yesterday, life got a bit crazy, so I am continuing on today.  I am not as munchy today.  I find that when I get munchy, I want crunchy; so yesterday I had my popcorn snack about 1000 am.  It felt weird to have my popcorn at that time, but it really did help my munchies.  In fact, I didn't feel munchy last night.  Dinner filled me up and I had no desire to have a snack.  Well here I am, another day gone by. It has been a crazy week. I am surprised that while I have been munchy, I have not gone over my daily caloric intake. I also did not get to my walk twice this week. All things considered, it has been a good week.

Great Weekend-ok, Wicked was GREAT!

The best thing this weekend, was that Kat and I went to see Wicked!  It was amazing!!  Followed by an absolutely gorgeous day here in the Pacific Northwest.  I got my cool on by being able to wear my sunglasses and walk w/o a coat!  Had a great walk today and it felt good to move.  I am finding an issue though...I've lost enough inches that my headphones for my ipad don't reach from my pocket anymore, so today I had to improvise...that's what bras are for right?? :D  Yep, stuck my ipod in my bra.  When those get to low for my headphones, I'm up the creek ;)

I haven't measured my waist, but my weight is down to 251.2 lbs.  I am having to wear a belt with my jeans or people think I am a "crack" dealer...yes I'm full of it today!   All of my boxers are loose and I am, once again, being able to fit into shirts that I like w/o having to worry about gaps between the buttons or buttons just popping off.  When Kat and I went to Wicked yesterday, I wore jeans (with belt), a button down shirt that usually fits, but was a bit big now, a tie and my vest, which is now getting too big too!

I was feeling off all weekend, tired and just couldn't get my energy up.  Wicked was awesome, but even after that, just kind of felt blah.  Today I am feeling better. More alert, more engaged than I was at the end of last week and over the weekend.  Things are blooming around here and I wonder if my blah was related to my asthma being stirred up but not exacerbated.  Could be I'm just tired after all of the interviews and now the anticipated transfer of jobs, takes a lot out of a person.  Who knows, but I am glad to be feeling better today.

I was also fitted for my tux over the weekend.  I am very excited about the tux I am renting.  It is white with a Nehru jacket and Mandarin collar shirt.  The vest will be a copper/cinnamon red.  White wingtip shoes.  I can't wait.  I am flying high about having a wedding ceremony.  My past partners, we never did anything formal.  This is the way it should be, our family and friends with us as we dedicate ourselves to a life together.  The validation and recognition of Kat and I as a couple.  We have other plans to solidify the family unit of Kat, the twins and I. 

This is an exciting time for me professionally and personally.  I am blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing people and am thankful for all that I am able to do. 

Fitness fund

Here it is, where I pay mysf to snack

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Fitness Fund

Well, I did it...I put together evening snack bags, complete with contents and total calories and now have a jar that says Fitness Fund; I have to pay 25 cents each time I grab a snack bag.  So far it seems to be working.  I don't have a whole bag of cookies, I have the option of one or two and it seems to settle my craving.  This way I don't say, well I have the whole bag so I just eat.  Also, but paying, I am less likely to go back to get more w/o thinking about what I am doing.  The calories on the bags help me see what fits into my remaining calories for the day.  I also have the option of adding a tablespoon of ice cream.  The other day I had one cookie and 1/4 cup of cottage cheese.  It worked great.

For me, knowing how many calories I had left for the day, none, and being faced with the number of calories on the bags plus having to pay, I decided to not get into the snack bags.  It worked just like it was supposed to.  I was very proud of myself and how I am sticking to the agreement I've made w/ myself.  So far I have 50 cents.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do w/ the money when the jar fills up, but I think I will make a donation to a charity that works on fighting obesity. 

I look not only at myself, but at the community around me, we are fat!  A large (no pun intended) portion of the patients that I have case managed over the years are obese; not just a little obese either.  Walking through the my place of employment, there is a high percentage of people are obese.  I am not sure of the numbers, but it is well known that obesity causes or contributes to many of our chronic conditions such as Diabetes and Congestive Heart Failure as well as puts more stress on the body's skeletal and muscular structures.  Our livers, heart, lungs, and stomach are all effected by the amount of adipose tissue (fat) that is being carried around in our abdomen. 

While there are numerous issues that obesity causes physically, the emotional scars that those of us that are obese carry with us can be more harmful.  There are very few of us that want to be fat...and those that do are on the fringe of the bell curve.  I also want to make a definition here, morbidly obese is a BMI > 40.  I am not talking about curvy women who have the appropriate amount of body fat, those women are beautiful just they way they are.  The obesity I am focusing on are the morbidly obese.  I am part of the morbidly obese category; my BMI is 43.  I am way beyond curvy. 

The emotional scars that a) influence how we take care of our selves (or don't) b) reinforce our negative self image and c) take away our feelings of hope, are harder to fight.  We all know, diet and exercise lead to a healthy life, but emotionally, how do we deal w/ the pain?  How do we fix all the negative that is thrown at us on a daily basis?  Being fat just increases the negative messages we get and that continues the vicious cycle of getting fatter and fatter.

Changes in our food source have also added to the amount of obesity being seen in my community.  High fructose corn syrup and changes in how we grown and harvest wheat have added to the obesity epidemic.  Add to that, our portion sizes have increased, our amount and type of exercise has decreased, TV/Movies/Video Games/Computers slow down our metabolism and increase mindless eating. 

There has also been an increase in stress, causing our adrenal glands to be in high gear on a continuous basis rather than reacting to an immediate threat, then rest until the next threat comes roaming by.  Our threats have gone from animals and natural disasters to an intellectual stress that doesn't stop, even when we sleep.  Constant stress increases our fatigue, our feelings of being worn down, and our risk for stress related diseases like angina.  Learning to enjoy our life, relax, and laugh counter acts the negativity of stress.

There isn't a one size fits all to weight loss.  Our body image and weight are tied into so much more than just diet and exercise.  Our community, food sources, past/present/future, emotion, and ability physically all play a role.  Part of our job is to learn to love ourselves regardless of society, physical looks, and the negativity that we are bombarded with on a daily basis.  We are all children of the universe and most of us yearn for love and acceptance.  Love and acceptance starts with you.

Resting Day

It is a gray, windy, rainy day here in the Pacific NW.  While the sun was out briefly this morning, long enough to wear my sunglasses while driving to work, it didn't last very long and now the winter weather of cold, rain, and wind have descended upon us yet again.  Good news, there is not any snow in the forecast that I am aware of :)

Days like to day are days to hunker down and just watch the storms blow through.  I was planning on catching up on episodes I had missed of Grimm at lunch and found out I was caught up.  I thought to myself, what now.  Then mitzvah goerot mitzvah popped back into my head.  Given that, I got up and figured I'd just walk around the clinic.  Turns out there was a lull in the rain, so I was able to get about 20 minutes of walking in which included up and down several floors of stairs :)

It felt good to choose to walk rather than sit.  I didn't walk as far or as long as I usually do, but I'm good with that.  Making the better choice to move rather than sit is so important and next time, I will be more likely to move.

More of Yesterday

For whatever reason, I am having an increase in interaction with other people.  I have to admit, I like it.  I've been so isolated (both by choice and by circumstances) that I am feeling like I am coming out of my shell again.  There are days that being in my own little hole and hiding from the world is the only thing I can think about.  Then I get these periods where I can't imagine not interacting with the world around me.  Currently I am at the beginning of wanting to interact w/ the world.

I have to be careful though, as I want to interact w/ the world, I tend to over extend myself.  I am trying to stay focused on exercising and diet.  I think also, my new job will keep me busy enough to not want to feel like I want to pile more onto my plate. 

I am very excited about my new job.  I am also sad to leave the team I have been working with for 3.5 years.  My current team has supported me through some really rough times in my life, and I can't express my appreciation enough.  I have been able to heal and ground in my present job.  It has provided me with the ability to find my footing again and create a stable (as stable as I can be lol) space for my family.  Apparently the Universe or Higher Power feels that it is time for me to rejoin my path, rest time is over. 

I do want to point out, just because my current job has allowed me to heal and get back up from the pit I had put myself in, doesn't mean the job was in anyway easy.  My job within my current department has changed every 3-6 months as new programs have been rolled out and our roles have been in constant flux.  The job is totally telephonic, so without seeing patients, I have to triage, educate, encourage, support, and sleuth out the best way to guide the person in their trek towards optimizing their health. 

Our current manager is amazing!!  She has brought more stability to the work we are doing and is willing to push us but also is willing to say, this isn't working, lets' change direction.  I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to work w/ Nancy for the last year +.  I feel a lot of the healing that has taken place on our team has been because of Nancy's facilitation of allowing us to work through our previous experiences. 

I am feeling in a good spot!  The family has settled in.  Our wedding is coming up at the end of August, so we are in the midst of wedding preparations.  Our wedding is going to be very simple and the intent is to enjoy our day and celebrate.  For us, it is all about the love we have for each other.  So the whirlwind is filled with love, peace, and joy.  There is little to no stress, just like us!

I am looking forward to what this next year brings; if all goes right, I will be dashing in my tux :)

Wonderful Day

Once again it is a beautiful day here in the Pacific Northwest.  It is a ritual here in Western Oregon and Washington (anything west of the Cascade Mountain Range) that when the sun comes out, everyone rushes outside; this is regardless of the air temperature.  It can be 28 degrees outside, but if the sun is out, you will see us out in it. 

Today is a sunny day with temperatures in the 40's.  I thought that I had a doctors appointment this morning about 1100, turns out I was wrong, it is on Wednesday.  So, I thought, awesome...I get to go for my walk!  I put my sunglasses on, took a deep breath, and started out on what was to be a feel good walk.

I got my speed up, was falling into my stride and a woman w/ a yellow Lab comes up.  I stop to pet the dog and realize that the lady is my Pediatric Nursing instructor from the University of Portland; of course I graduated 20 years ago.  I introduced myself and we had a wonderful conversation catching up on where our careers have taken us.  It was wonderful to see her and felt good to see a familiar face.  I also realized that when I was in school, she must have been about my age.  Amazing how perspectives change with age.

I got going again and ran into a dog that startled me.  I am a huge dog lover and rarely get startled, but I was lost in thought and when the dog barked I jumped.  The gentleman walking the dog apologized.  I went to make up w/ the dog who was quite friendly, and the gentleman recognized that I was a Kaiser employee.  We spoke for about 10 minutes and he raved about the care he receives at Kaiser and how it is the best insurance ever.  It was a very pleasant conversation. 

These two interactions just filled up my heart so that I am just as happy as can be.  I have so many blessings in my life.  My incredible partner, my wonderful children, friends and family that enrich my life every day.  I have a job (though I just took a new job and am very excited about it).  Most of all, I have the ability to love.  I have the capability within myself to love me and those who are around me.  I have the capacity to love my enemies as well as my friends; whether I use that capacity is a different story...I can think of a few people that I don't utilize it very well with. 

I can't say enough how small interactions can effect me.  I remember once when I was a teen a complete stranger changed my whole day with a smile.  I was walking home from school in my usual teenage funk.  This lady was jogging, had no idea who she was, but she smiled at me as she went by.  That one smile changed my mood for the rest of the day.  I was acknowledged as a human being and it helped fill my heart and soul. It made such an impression that here I am 26 years later and I still remember the encounter. 

The smallest form of acknowledgement can make a huge difference for some people.  Ever since that day, I try to smile at everyone I pass.  I know that it isn't 100 %, but it is something I strive for.  Passing on that humanity and love is what I feel life is about.  We are here to treat each other with respect, to learn from each others' experiences, and to challenge our hearts to learn to love beyond our comfort zone.  As I've said before, my whole life seems to have been pushing the envelope of others' comfort zones; so it seems reasonable that I have to reach beyond my comfort zone to reach others. 

I am enjoying being in this moment, because it is these moments that keep me going;  I know that things change and that the happy, joyous, and soul full moments are just around the corner.  I believe in myself and feel myself growing stronger and stronger.  I am strong, I am invincible, I am ME!

Choices

Strange morning today.  Woke up to about 2 inches of snow...in Portland, Oregon that is a lot of snow.  The second day of spring and we get snow...how rude!  Kids school was delayed by 2 hrs, but I had to get to work on time.  I wanted to get an early start, so I left about 45 minutes early.  I stopped at Albertson's to pick up my Diet Snapple tea and wanted to grab a quick bite for breakfast.  Of course I went to the bakery, but they only had donuts in the pick one area.  I started looking at the packaged stuff.  There were some cream cheese danishes with lemon that were calling to me.  As I picked it up, I heard in my head, mitzvah goerot mitzvah and said to myself, good choices lead to other good choices.  I did choose croissants instead...not sure it was better since I ate all of them.  What I took away was, it would have been a better choice to get one donut instead of buying the package of croissants. 

What I was happy about is that I put down the package of danishes and that my mind immediately went to making good choices leads to more good choices.  I am counting that a success.  I hope that it will contiue to guide me.  Tying concepts that I have already internalized with new behaviors I am trying to develop works wonders for me.  The more I can focus holistically, bringing my spirituality into my physical and emotional day, the happier I feel, the more energetic I get, and I feel what I would consider to be "normal".

As I look at my choices, I must take more control and find ways to work on my snacking.  Still working on a plan, but setting up a snack bag for home is a thought that I am going with.  Also, put a jar out so I have to pay to take my snack bag.  These are just a few ideas I'm batting around...we'll see what comes to fruition.

Bad Day

Yesterday was a rough one.  I couldn't fight the call of the vending machine.  I made a deal w/ Kat, if I stop going to the vending machine, she would stop baking cookies and other goodies.  I haven't been to the vending machine in over a year.  Yesterday, I went twice! 

So I started thinking, as a Jew, we observe and obey Mitzvot.  Mitzvot are interpreted by many as good deeds.  Another way to interpret Mitzvot is as a commandment.  We are commanded to observe and obey the Mitzvot.  There are 613 Mitzvot and it is not expected that a person will observe all 613; there are some Mitzvot that we, in our modern world, are unable to meet.  Living a life that embraces the Mitzvot is one that many of us strive for.

So what does this have to do with my food disaster yesterday?  Well, we say that doing a Mitzvah leads to doing another Mitzvah.  Likewise, doing sin leads to doing more sin.  Applying the same concept to food, making bad food choices will lead to more bad food choices and good food choices will lead to more good food choices.

That became evident for me in reading a response from a post by a friend on mine on my last blog.  She stated that she manages and limits her junk food on road trips and has found that when she strays from this, her body feels bad and she doesn't want her body to feel bad so she makes good choices.

Wow!  That is truth!  For me, it has taken a long time to put these two concepts together.  Will this help me make better decisions...I don't know; the lure of sweets and cruchy stuff is hard to battle w/ fruit and veggies.  There are some days I can fight it, but there are many days I can't fight it.  I don't know the answer, but I think I need to look at allowing my good choices to out number my bad choices and I make bad choices every day.  Evenings are my worst time.  I'm tired, munch, and don't really want to have to worry about anything.  I just want to chill.  I need to find a way to allow myself to feel like I'm munching and allowing myself to relax.  I'm not sure what it will look like, but I am looking into finding a way to pre-prepare evening snacks like I do for my lunches each day.

This is a lot of work, but it will be worth it if I can make a habit of it.  I need to think outside the box to find a way to make this work, and I will figure it out.

Vacations

I had the most wonderful weekend with Kat.  For the first time in 2.5 years, we were able to go out of town, alone, for a weekend.  We had an amazing time.  We went to Tillamook and drove up and down the Oregon coast.  Kat hadn't be south of Tillamook before so we went to Lincoln City and Depot Bay. 

One of the things I noticed, I went and bough snacks for the road...chips and Nutter Butters.  I also bought some Brie and Baguette for a snack.  Since we were leaving at dinner time and needed to get on the road we ate....ready for it...McDonald's.  The hotel we stayed in had a nice continental breakfast; had eggs, potatoes, and a small muffin.  Then for lunch and dinner we ate out.  Lunch was French Onion soup and half a French dip w/ Horseradish.  Dinner was 3 of the most amazing Strawberry Blintzes.

I did forget to mention the chocolates that were waiting for us our first night at the hotel.  Then we had Brie and Baguette the next night.  Then there was the burger and fries at Camp 18. So, not the best eating wise.  I was aware of what I was putting in my mouth, but found myself saying, I'm on vacation so I'm not going to worry about it.

What is it about vacations that allows us to eat this way. I've found road trip is equivalent with junk food.  We load up on chips and candy and soda for the road.  While on vacation, many people eat out, but do they pay attention to what they eat?  I know I am wanting to relax and not pay attention at all.  Of course, the 1.6 lbs I put on is the consequence of the eating blindly. 

Do I want my girls to equate road trip with junk food?  Many people will say, that's half the fun, getting to eat anything you want.  Does it have to be?  I know that I work so hard that when I am on vacation to relax, I don't want to have to be mindful of anything but enjoying my time.  Keeping track of what I am eating and how it is effecting me isn't relaxing or enjoyable.   How can I make road trip food fun and healthy?

I am hoping over the next 10 years to take many road trips w/ Kat and our family.  I don't want junk food to be a integral part of it.  Any ideas will be welcomed and put to use :)

I have returned relaxed and fresh.  All 4 of us are tired from the changes in schedule over the weekend, but we all had fun.  The twins stayed with a babysitter that did all sorts of fun things with them.  It was a great weekend had by all.

I am looking forward to many more road trips and time with the ones that I love!  It is the love for and from my family that is rejuvenating for me.  The thought of spending time together exploring new places and new experiences is at the top of my bucket list.  These times will not come again, so I am going to enjoy every minute if it (with and without the kids!)

Really Missing my Walks

In an effort to take care of myself, I have made doctors appointments during my lunch hours.  Due to these appointments, I'm not getting my walks in.  I notice a huge shift in my moods when I do not get to walk or exercise.  I also find that I decondition quite quickly; it becomes harder to get going again if I haven't been able to walk nearly everyday. 

I feel that I am being torn between walking and appointments.  Both are needed to take care of me.  Is one more important than the other?  I know that my appointments come in flurries or clumps, but is it enough for me to loose my motivation?

I started this blog yesterday, but became so busy, that I have to finish it today.  Over the last 24 hours, I have been mulling it over and started asking myself, what do I tell one of my case management patients when they are in the same position?

I encourage my patients to not over extend themselves.  The focus needs to be on making the workout a habit and to not interrupt this habit often.  Given that, I need to start spreading my appointments further apart.  I must walk, it is for my health.  I am finding that I am having trouble sleeping again, I am sluggish in the mornings and not getting as much accomplished. 

I am also cranky.  Abby made a comment this morning about how I must not be in a good mood because I seemed cross.  I explained to Abby that I was tired but wasn't actually angry about anything.  She seemed to understand.  She on the other hand, was in a great mood and wanted to share that with everyone :)

Walking seems to be an integral part of my well being.  No walk, no well being. And I want to be well!

Monkey Mind

Ok, I've tried to start this blog 3 times today, each with a different subject.  My head is swirling and I'm not  100% why.  I think there is a hormonal component, but jeeze...I haven't felt this way since last summer.  I am weepy for no reason, totally withdrawn, and just not sure about anything.

Kat feels that a new medication I'm on may be adding to this.  She feels that my mood is actually cycling faster than before.  She's right, on Sunday I felt good an over did.  Still felt good on Monday, but yesterday I started feeling ugggh, and then today I'm all the way down. 

SO....given that, I will be talking w/ Anita, my therapist to process this and make a plan to move forward from here.

I am going to make this short today, just need to pull in a little bit and find myself in the mess of emotion.

I am Beautiful

Driving in to work this morning I heard the song Beautiful by Christina Agulilera.  One of the concepts of the song is that don't let words hurt you or tell you an different.  I was in a space to really hear that this morning.

I was dressed up today, had a meeting.  For me, dressed up is black slacks, button down shirt (blue), black vest, and a tie (blue stripped). I feel good when I clean up :)  I even have a matching Kippah!  Many a lesbian has told me how "hot" I am or how "cute".  It wasn't until just recently that I've started believing them.

I have been told my whole life that I was not society's view of beautiful.  I was too big, shoulders too wide, hips too wide, some extra padding, too muscular.  I was told by one boyfriend in my 20's that I was "marrying" material?!?  Really??  So I was less than beautiful, hot, or attractive, but I would do on a day to day basis?

Comments like that really stick with a person.  I know my boyfriend was trying to find a way to compliment me, but in the process he did some major damage that has taken my almost 20 years to fix.  My first wife continued to play on my self consciousness about my looks.  I spiralled down into a depression.  About 9 months after our break up I started dating again.  I met several wonderful women and made several friends.  Then I met my 2nd wife (remember I'm the Liz Taylor of Lesbians).

To be honest, she was the one who really convinced me that I was sexy.  She helped me believe in myself, my looks, and in how people perceive me.  During our break up, she tried to rip apart those things that I had begun to believe.  The good news, I had stopped listening and carried those feelings of my type of beauty forward.

Again, I found myself on the dating scene and met several women.  Some are still friends, many aren't, I didn't want the drama in my life; my first 2 wives provided a lifetime of drama in 10 yrs between the 2 of them.  Then I met Kat, she not only finds me sexy and hot, but she likes me the way I am, butch.  Neither of my other partners allowed me to fully go butch.  I am beautiful as a butch!  I am beautiful as me! 

Olivia Travel is a lesbian run travel agency that provides cruises and resorts for lesbians and only lesbians.  It is the most amazing feeling to be on a cruise ship with 1800 lesbians, not a man insight.  All of the men's bathrooms were converted to women's and plants placed in the urinals :)  I have not been able to find the song that they played on the cruise, but I do remember that it had the line, beautiful together in it.  That line summed up how it felt to be with 1800 other lesbians and each of us was beautiful in our own way.

I am ready to be beautiful at my size now, and sexy at any size.  Be beautiful, each of us has our own beauty, find it, revel in it, show it to the world.  My beauty is being butch, what's yours?

"Beautiful"

[Spoken]
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Sluggish Today

Felt great yesterday, was VERY active and now, whomp...tired and sluggish.  Yet, I found myself chair dancing today while at work.  I still am in a good mood, but just subdued.  I had trouble getting moving, was going to heat up pasta for Helen for lunch, but I felt so tired, I had them make peanut butter and jelly.  I promised Helen, I'd make sure she has pasta tomorrow; guess it is early to bed for me tonight. 

Of course, it doesn't help that I am reading a good book (actually 6 good books).  I was able to purchase the first 6 of the Samantha Moon mysteries by J.R. Rain, for $2.99 and all 6 downloaded onto my nook as one 2250 page book.  I can't put them down!  I am on page 640 since Saturday evening.  It is an easy read, well written characters, and some secrets yet to be revealed. 

I wanted to also relay an experience I had with the Striiv company.  Striiv is the company that made my pedometer with the video game and donations to charity.  I have dropped my Striiv and it has been very durable; I guess dropping it down a flight of stairs, screen first, exceeds the Striiv's durability.  Everything works except the touch screen.  Everything, including the lock, relies on the touch screen.  Mourning the loss of my Striiv, I tried to look online and see what is out there about this problem, there was nothing.  Next step, to call the Striiv customer service line.  Not only was there someone there on a Sunday, she was polite and very helpful.  I explained to her my oops and that everything works except the touch screen.  Striiv is sending out a replacement pedometer today and I just need to send mine back. 

I was extremely impressed!!  Usually Kat is the one who is hard on electronics, this time, it was my clumsy that got the best of my Striiv.  I LOVE my Striiv!  I can't expound on the pedometer enough.  I love the stats that it keeps, the trophies and challenges that it offers, and the build my island game.  It keeps me going; in fact my 1.5 hr walk yesterday was driven by trying to get 10,000 steps and earn new trophies.  I actually walked over 15,000 steps yesterday.  It felt amazing! 

The only down side to a new Striiv is that I have to start all over again to meet my trophies and build my island, but that's ok, just more incentive to do it right this time :)

Took today off of walking, so I am ready to go at it again tomorrow.  Early to bed, good rest, and more dancing in the kitchen!

Awesome Day

What a wonderful day it has been!  Felt good when I got up, feeling stronger every day.  Took the girls to Hebrew school.  Got some cuddle time with Abby.  Saw both the girls volunteer to help Rabbi.  Then, an hour and a half walk through downtown Potland, across to the Eastside Esplanade, back through downtown to the school.  Came home and danced in the kitchen while making lunch, and now considering taking the girls out to learn to ride thier bikes.

Sundays are Kat's day off.  I get to take the girls, actually get in the kitchen to cook, and work on projects.  On sunny days like today, it is hard not to push myself to do everything and wear myself out.  There is so much that I want to do and experience and not enough time to do it. 

I have to learn to be content with what I can do without becoming apathetic and giving up.  Like eberything else in life, you choose your path, mine is health.  I've spent so much of my life focusing on what I am missing and what I want to do, that I have let myself get swallowed up in the future that may never be and lost where I want to be now. 

Now, I am happy, strong, loved, and confident in who I am.  Have a wonderful day and delight in who you are!

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Busy Day

Well my attitude of gratitude is in full gear today!  It has been a very busy day and one that I'm afraid is going to be more the common than the exception.  The work load has increased substantially and I can really feel it.  I like being busy, it keeps me engaged; comes from years in the ICU, the busier and more complicated things are, the sharper my edge and the better my work is (I feel).  We'll see how long this engagement will last.  I admit, I get bored easily.

It is a hard decision to make, do I stay where I am, stable, know I can do the job, and have what I need to give myself and my family or do I move on to something new, engaging, possibly more stressful with taking energy from me and the family.  Though, given some of the circumstances right now, I wonder how stable this job really is.  There is no guarantee that this job will be here in a year.  The job I have is project based right now and if we don't get the certification that we have been working towards, let's just say the fit will hit the sham. 

I look at the future, see what I'd like to do but get frozen by what my family and I need, which is stability.  I feel stagnant right now.  I don't want to become a drone, but I am afraid to step out the comfort zone.  Change is scary.  Luckily I have a wonderful partner who helps me analyze what I see and we make decisions together about what would be best for the family.  In a lot of ways, Kat has brought stability to my life.  I was already on the stability path, but the last 2 1/2 years with Kat have really solidified our family foundation.

With the stability I find that I am feeling up more often.   I can't say that I am soaring like was last year, but I feel good.  I am seeing the blessings in my life and though there are things in my life I wonder about, I have few regrets.  Everything I've experienced has made me who I am today.  I love who I've become.  I am strong, confident, and believe in myself and others.  I am still too trusting, but that comes from seeing the God/Goddess in everyone. 

My talents are being recognized at work.  There have been several times that I have met someone new, introduced myself and get "oh, I've heard about you".  Managers from other departments recognize my skills and abilities and talk w/ me about career development.  With the acceptance that I have energy that gets noticed whether I want it to or not, I am beginning to listen to those around me and believe that their guidance is so they can help me hone my skills. 

I am learning to not be embarrassed by the attention that I am getting; humble, yes, embarrassed, no. In someways, I feel like I am bragging, but this is a new thing for me.  I am becoming aware of some of my true potential and accepting it for the first time in my life.  In some ways it is like when I finally accepted that I am a lesbian, I kind of always knew, but wasn't ready to accept it yet; this is the same, its always been there, but I wasn't ready to move forward and accept that it is part of who I am. 

I see the blessings of a busy day and what it does for my mood and how I feel about myself at the end of the day.  It is a good thing :)

Keeping my Attitude of Gratitude

I went to the orientation at vocational rehab today.  I felt awkward walking in as I was the only person there that currently has a job and is seeking assistance with overcoming barriers with my hearing.  I became very aware of exactly how lucky I am to have a job and the ability to take care of myself and my family.  Times are really tough, but the more I look around me, we have it good.  I am very appreciative for what I have.
That appreciation is making it even more important for me to take care of myself; to keep what I have, I need to care for me.

Along with this look at my appreciation, my sister, who has severe sight disabilities (yes I am the eyes and she is the ears ;) had surgery on her eyes yesterday.  I got a text from her today simply stating, "I can see".  Tears came to my eyes!  After spending 37 years of visual impairments that have prevented her from driving, from pursuing some of her dreams as a teenager, and kept her home bound at various times in her life, she can see.  How amazing!  Any improvement in her sight will be welcome, but she is saying that there is no doubt, her vision is going to be improved once her recovery is behind her.

Attitude of gratitude! It has struck me in so many ways today.  Today is also the twins' 8th birthday, or as Abby likes to say, she is 2.  I have been so blessed to have the twins in my life, and to go through each stage of their developing lives with them is so amazing.  While both girls have had some issues and required physical therapy/occupational therapy/speech therapy, they are normal 8 year olds now.  They strive towards being healthy and are so curious about life and how it works.  I thank G-d for thier health and their ability to adapt and learn. 

My life is full of blessings; from my family, partner, children, friends to my job, health, spirituality, to each breath I take, each sunrise/sunset I witness, each bud of spring or  leaf pile of fall, all are blessings that enrich my life and keeps me moving forward towards my own health. 

Getting over a Cold

Finally feeling better!!  Sunday and Monday really took me out, but was able to wake this morning, get the dishes done, twins fed, and up to the grocery store before the school bus came :) 

I was able to walk at lunch, thought I was keeping it gentle, still walked 2 miles in 20 minutes :)  All in all, I am feeling stronger.  I don't feel as exhausted as I was when I was sick and I am alert.  I am amazed at how easy it is for me to get foggy but at the same time, come out of it and feel like I can handle things. 

So looking into the idea that I should have a sick day protocol for my diet, I am thinking it is a good idea.  I do need to work at having my snacks and meals planned for me each day so I know exactly what I am going to eat and there is no wondering.  I do eat on the fly a lot.  I'm a nurse with an ICU background...when we got a break, it was usually interrupted so I learned to wolf down my food with no concern of what that food was, it was just food.  I still have a habit of eating fast.  I am working on it and improving, but it doesn't help that Kat is a nurse as well, so we have the same eating habit. 

By knowing what I am going to eat, it will help on those days when I don't feel good.  I need to make sure I keep my list with me.  One of the things I have noticed is that if I have one indiscretion during the day, I throw the whole day out.  Its a, well, I've already gone over my calories for the day, so I might as well eat what I want.  So, I take what was a small slip and make it into a big one.  I'm not sure what feelings are driving that behavior; it is consistent though. 

As I think about it, I've watched my Mom have the same behavior.  She would give up and binge; and here I am doing the same thing.  Is my behavior learned?  Is there a motive behind it?  Am I just giving up on myself because it is too hard to keep going?  I don't know as of this time.  What I can say is, my first reaction to keep from getting hurt is to throw the baby out w/ the bath water.  If I am not in a knee jerk reaction, I try to look at the problem, see as many sides as I can then make a decision. 

For me, identifying the problem, looking at it from various sides and making a decision does not take very long.  Again, this comes from being a nurse for 20+ years and working in the ICU.  My knee jerk reaction comes from being hurt so many times in my interpersonal relationships that I'd rather get rid of everything and start over new than work through the pain.  Thank goodness I have kept that part of me in check w/ Kat.  It is so nice to have a partner who wants to work on our issues, is open to talking things through (without throwing things) and is willing to work on her stuff as I am working on mine.

So, what is it about my relationship with food that causes me to have a knee jerk reaction and throw everything out?  This has been the hardest area for me to deal with.  I can objectively look at my behaviors, usually, but actually looking at and understanding my relationship with food, this stumps me.  It is almost if I analyze my relationship with food, it will reveal some deep dark secret that I may not be able to deal with.  Funny thing is, I used to be afraid of myself and especially my dark side.  Thanks to lots of years of therapy, my belief in Judaism, and an incredibly supportive partner, my dark side doesn't scare me anymore.  I realize that there is light and dark in everyone and that my dark needs to be embraced not ignored.  Why can't I do the same w/ food?

In time, I hope to answer that question.  For now, I am getting stronger, feeling better, and continuing forward on my journey for health.

Illness

I've been sick since Thursday.  Not able to walk much, and contolloing what I eat is not even in the cards.  I'm still feeling pretty rough today, so this entry won't be very long; mostly a place to put down a couple of thought to expand on later when I am feeling better.

Diabetics have a "sick day" protocol, and I am beginning to feel that I need to have something as well.  This would also suggest that I have what I am going to eat on a regular day spelled out as well.  I am looking for ways to ensure that I can be more aware of my caloric intake and not eaying on the fly.

I hope all of you are well.  Hopefully, l'll be closer no health tomorrow.

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Middle of the week

Here we are, its Wednesday.  Half way through the week and it seems to be moving at a good clip.  This time next week, the twins will be 8 years old.  For those who don't know, the twins were born on February 29th, leap day. So if you ask them, they will tell you it is their 2nd birthday, and in some ways they are right :)  When I look at the last 8 years and where we came from and where we are now, it has been an amazing journey. 

It has taken me 8 years to find my way in this world and realize that I am a worth wile being.  I guess 8 years to correct 33 years of damage isn't too bad :) I was speaking with a friend of mine today and she brought up that I am not someone who can fly under the radar.  Now, at 41, that is true, I dress more masculine, wear a kippah, and basically am confident of who I am and I can stay in tune with myself fairly well (though I do have my ostrich moments of burying my head in the sand).  Years of being made fun of and feeling as though I have no worth have made me strong and given me a thick skin.  It is hard to knock me over now. 

I know that I've talked about how I try to fly under the radar, yet I never have gone unnoticed.  I have pushed the boundaries of people's values, ethics, and acceptance.  It kind of hit me, that I have big energy.  I always felt so small and insignificant that I never realized that the energy I put off gets noticed.  When I am confident in myself, I get a lot of comments about how I can bring a calm into a room.  I have always taken that with a grain of salt, but now, I can see if a calm energy walks in, then others may notice.  I in no way want my energy to intrude on anyone, but I am realizing that I get noticed; not just because I am myself, but because my energy says...hey, I'm here in all of my glory!  (ok, I'm fat as well, makes it hard not to notice me ;)

Yet again, the theme of strength has crept into this blog.  Having felt unsafe for so long, being strong is part of keeping me safe; I see them go hand in hand.  So Wednesday is the middle of the week, but is the strongest day of the week, it has to hold up Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday on one side, and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday on the other. 

I wish everyone the strength of finding yourself and being confident in who you are. 

Humans are Humans

Every morning I follow the girls' school bus (we go the same way) and see a couple of the other bus stops along the way.  There are children of multiple nationalities that get on the bus, yet all of us parents sit there and wave and blow kisses to our kids who have gotten on the bus.  It hit me that regardless of where we were born or how we have been raised, we are all parents doing the best we can for our children, and putting them on a school bus and blowing kisses is just part of what parents do.

When I look at the statistics of this blog and where the page views are coming from, I am blown away.  I have friends in Germany and Austraila, so I'm glad to know they are reading, but Russia, France, Egypt, Malta, Brazil, and Turkey.  Wow, and then I realized, we are all human.  Whether we have a weight problem or not, the struggles I am having with my weight can be understood because they are issues of being human.

Everybody has their struggles and those who say they don't, well, my guess is they are not being honest with themselves or others.  How are my struggles any different than other people's?  They aren't.  Yes, I have an issue with food, and since food is necessary for my body to live, I am confronted multiple times per day with the opportunity to make better choices than I have in the past.  Some days I succeed, others, I don't, and that's ok; it is a process. 

When I was in nursing school, we studied Erickson in our psychology class.  Erickson endorses that there are stages in life that we must pass through, if we don't "complete" these stages then we are emotionally stuck there until we can find a way to move through that stage.  I take this theory one step further, that each stage has multiple layers, so the same issues that you dealt with in the past, come back around but on a deeper level.  It's like Shrek says, Ogres are like onions because they have layers, I have to say that the human psyche is also like an onion because of the number of layers that take you closer and closer to the core of who you are (and no, cake doesn't work for this analogy either Donkey).

Each time I focus on my health and working on how to get healthier, I go a little deeper than before.  I make more progress than before and utilize the lessons learned on the last pass.  Each dip into depression and not taking care of myself is shorter and the time between dips gets longer.  After this fight for 41 years, I am beginning to accept that I will get there, it just takes time and patience combined with desire and perseverance.  We all have those traits, it is Human nature, finding those traits and believing in them is a different story. 

So once again, I am singing Helen Reddy...I am strong, I am invincible I can and will do this and make progress towards my goal of health.

My Own Worst Enemy

I am my own worst enemy.  I can maintain my diet and exercise during the work week at work, but in the evenings when I get home and on the weekends, I have no control.  I am having lots of trouble fighting off the cravings, and not being very successful. 

It is hard, I get hungry, have a craving for something sweet that fruit doesn't satisfy.  I have begun to think about it though; I went to the store last night on a craving run for Kat and I, and as I was looking at the cookies, I made sure to look at the serving size and the calories per serving size.  So instead of getting Pepperidge Farms Milano or Maui cookies, I bought Nilla Wafers.  The differnce 1-2 Pepperidge Farms to 8 Nilla Wafers for about 125 calories.  I have also found a Haggen-Dazs ice cream that helps as well.  Haggen-Dazs has a line called Five.  Each type of ice cream has only 5 ingredients.  It is about 220 calories per 1/2 cup of ice cream.  The thing is, I can't eat a half cup of this ice cream.  We particularly like the lemon ice cream.  A carton will last Kat and I 8-10 servings.  We eat enough to quell our sweet tooth and refresh our palates. 

I do see where I am making some progress and at least thinking about what I am eating on the weekends and evenings.  Even thinking about it, I still feel like I am always fighting myself.  I tell myself, no, wait another half hour before you eat, or trying to arm wrestle my cravings with my will power and frequently loosing.  I did see a positive when it felt natural to pick up the cookie packages and look at the nutritional information.  There was a little tussle at  first, but my objective self took over and started analyzing and calculating what my options were and thought about how much damage do I really want to do. 

I do have a habit of sabotaging myself.  I have a tendency to put myself into stressful situations where I have difficulty maintaining self-care.  Recently, I have had some opportunities begin to present themselves and I have taken into consideration, what will this opportunity do to my stress level; will I be able to continue my self-care efforts, keep walking, continue to progress forward toward health with this opportunity?  It is scary, I don't want to my forward momentum, but I also don't want to stall from fear that I will set myself back. 

I am scared, I see potential, yet I can also see where this could blow up in my face and I could loose the ground I've worked sooooo hard to gain.  On the other hand, this opportunity could help me to be healthier and stronger.  Like most things in life, it is a toss up and there is no right or wrong answer, just what I can make of the situation. 

Kat and I are teaching the twins about how to make good choices that are healthy and beneficial for everyone involved.  I am realizing that I need to make good choices too, but sometimes those choices are shrouded in possibility, good and bad.  One thing I can say, is by being open to opportunity and taking leaps of faith, I have wound up in places I never knew existed.  My knowledge base has been expanded by these experiences and I am who I am because of it.

Given that these experiences make us who we are, finding a way to stay true to my health and not let anything else interfer with that is part of my make up.  I can and I will make myself a priority regardless of external influences!

Taking a Day Off

It is Friday!!  This is good because I have had a week of Mondays :(  I have pushed myself this week both in diet and exercise, so I decided to take today off.  I also go to work earlier on Fridays, so I get up earlier and it really throws me off.  I didn't walk today and at this point in my day I am usually between 6500 and 7000+ steps.  Today I am at 2362, not even half of my daily average.  While I do feel a sense of letting myself down, I think it was important for me to allow myself a down day.

Tonight is an eat dinner out, flop into bed and read kind of night.  Somewhere in there we walk the dogs and let them run, but I'm half tempted to just have them run in our room tonight.  Kat and I have a night w/o kids tomorrow night, and we are looking forward to it!  I am hoping that by getting some rest today, I'll feel more engaged and present with Kat tomorrow :)

I am learning how important down time is and it isn't necessarily being lazy.  I get the comment all the time that people get tired just reading what my schedule for a day is.  I have always thought that I had to be busy. I am now learning that I don't have to be busy all the time, it is ok to just sit and let the exhaustion wash over you w/o stressing about it. 

So given that I am making this a down day, I am keeping this short.  Keep moving towards your goals :)

Support

I am working with my health coach and she has sent me a Resource Guide for Weight Loss that Kaiser has put together.  In some ways it is like working a 12 step program, yet it is not a 12 step program.  One of the things that really caught my attention today while working the work book and reading was the idea of support.

I am a very lucky woman, I have Kat, the girls, my friends, and others who are behind me and giving me kudos, suggestions, and nudges as needed.  I am so appreciative of all of this, yet I find that I have issues actually asking for support.  I have always moved along on my own, to my own drummer.  I am usually a self motivator, but as I am getting older, I am realizing that when I loose my motivation, I shut out any help offered to me.  If I can't do it myself, then how is someone else going to be able to motivate me?  I guess this shows how strongly an internal motivator I am. 

As a kid, I was teased a lot.  I never really felt comfortable around others because of how I was torn down and told I was never good enough.  I learned that if I wanted to get things done, it was me and me alone.  I also learned this in my family.  For various reasons, I took on a lot in our family as the care taker. I just drew further and further into myself.  I cared about what others thought of me and the constant disappointment of not making the good enough grade really was devastating.

I find there are times I still carry this with me.  When I get down and start becoming less motivated, I find that my shame and feelings of being alone become overwhelming and it keeps me from accepting the support offered by others.  Yet, I remember a friend telling me once, that by accepting assistance from others, you give that person the opportunity to help and feel good about it.  I know that when I help others, it gives me the ability to show people that I love them.  By not accepting support, I take that away from someone that I love.  It doesn't seem fair.

So, when I begin to loose my motivation and someone is offering support, please refer me back to this post so that I can remind myself how important that support is.

The changing body

The changes in my body are different this time than in the past.  The changes seem to be coming slower, but are also looking different.  In the past, when I've lost weight, my abdominal fat appeared "firm"; there was not any sagging skin or skin that looked "deflated" (like it does after having a baby).  Well, my clothes are fitting differently, but now I have this flabby, deflated look to my abdomen that I have never had before; and me being me, I am trying to figure out, does that mean I am actually burning fat?  Have I been able to put myself into ketosis? 

I am not weighing myself more than once a week, so I don't know what my weight is doing.  What I do know, my walks are getting easier, less shortness of breath, less hip pain, and walking further each day that I walk.  I've been here before, many, many times.  What am I doing differently this time that has made my body change how it looses weight and what it looks like.  Menopause?  I don't know.  For the first time, I am concerned that when I do loose all of my weight, that I will have extra skin that may need to be removed.  Again, is this aging, me looking for something to worry about, or actually succeeding at my weight loss efforts.

One of my mantras has been, look better naked (stolen from 24 hr fitness).  I've always thought this as tongue and cheek, but for the first time, I'm wondering what I will look like when I get to where I feel healthy.  I was about to say, I've never worried about my looks, but that is BS.  I have and still do.  Am I vain, I hope not.  Is someone's looks what draws me to them, no.  Are looks what is most important in life, no.  Yet, I do notice that as I feel stronger and healthier, I begin to preen myself; take the time to take care that my skin, hair, nails, ect are all healthy and look healthy.

I will keep you posted on the changes that I see.  This should be intersting ;)

Defining Healthy

It is exciting to see myself increasing my activity and focusing more on a healthy diet; what is healthy though?  I feel that the definition of healthy is an individual definition.  Each person has their own goals and they may or may not coincide with what other views of health is, but it is their goals and they need to be completed.
What are your goals?  What is your definition of health?  How ready are you to work on these goals?  How confident are you that you can succeed and meet your goals?  These are all questions each of us must ask.

For myself, healthy is the ability to enjoy life, play with my kids, go out hiking, maybe be able to play Softball again.  For me, I want to feel stronger, more able to do what needs to be done and what I want to do, and less about actual weight.  I guess my thoughts are though, to get healthier, I need to drop some of the weight.  Do I feel I need to get down to my "ideal" weight, no, because when I am actually at my ideal weight, I get sick again.  My body feels really good around 160 ish lbs.  I have to work with myself to find the point in which I feel good enough to live my life without trying to fit some category of health that may not work for me.

Right now, I am feeling stronger.  I am walking more, trying new exercising, and watching my caloric intake closer.  I feel good, taking my medications like I am supposed to.  All of this makes it so I can continue on my path to health.  Along the way, I will learn more about myself, my passions, my values, and what drives me.  For me, health is not just about the physical body, but about the emotional and spiritual as well.  They are all intertwined; an in balance in any of these parts of the whole can throw the whole person spiralling.  So my focus is on how I feel, my relationship with my Higher Power, my relationship with others, and my relationship with the Earth/environment. 

I strive for my relationships to be as healthy as possible.  The twins have been taught from an early age about keeping healthy and how to accomplish this to the best of my knowledge.  I do hope that they come out better in communicating than I did; that it won't take 41 years for them to begin to understand themselves and how to communicate in a non-aggressive and healthy way without opening themselves up to attack. 

Keeping the Earth healthy will in turn help me stay healthy.  There is a saying, and I don't remember where I heard it or who said it, but if you take care of the Earth, she will take care of you.  I believe that.  The Earth has an amazing capacity for healing herself.  After many millenniums, the Earth is still here, yet generations of biological entities have roamed the Earth, died out, and new entities have been born to continue the cycle.  Through it all, the Earth heals the damage done and continues to produce life in all forms.  She is truely amazing. Again, what is your definition of health? What are your goals? Visualize how you will feel when you are healthy; it will happen.

Broke 10,000 Steps

This was a great weekend!  We were busy, but I got a lot of walking in.  Saturday I broke 10,000 steps for the first time!  I had a therapy session (in case you hadn't already figured out I'm a bit nuts ;O)  and we went for a 45 minute walk.  That is one of the things I love about my therapist, she has a holistic view.  I take advantage of the walks whenever possible.  

I also stayed close to the 2000 calorie per day goal that I have set for myself.  Yesterday I went over by only 4 calories.  That with the amount of walking I've done, I have been about 600 calories less than my output.  It makes me feel good and strong.

Kat bought a Zumba game for our Wii, so I decided to get my butt up early this morning and try it out. I thought, I'll take it easy on myself this morning.  I watched the tutorial, chose the "easy" level, and chose the 20 minute class. 

Well, the "warm up" was tough.  I made it through, but then the class started; it was divided into 5 sections including the warm up and cool down.  I made it through the warm up and the second section.  Half way through the third section I had to sit down.  Did some of the fourth section and the whole belly dancing "cool down" (that was the only section that was my speed).  Holy Cow!!  Beyond feeling like Jim Carey and getting maybe 1/3 of the movements, it went well :)  I can say this, I usually have over 500 steps in the mornings from the time I get going and leaving the house. After Zumba this morning I had 1800 steps.

I have decided that Zumba will not be a daily activity.  I did walk at lunch; this helped loosen up the sore muscles from the morning.  I did see it as an intense work out like Dr. McGuff talks about, but my guess is that wasn't what he had in mind.  At this point, my plan is to alternate Wii Fit balance, yoga, and the hula hoops to help loosen my hips some.  Then I will do Zumba a couple of days per week.  I plan to keep walking as much as I can at lunch. 

So my goal for today was to try the Zumba: Done
Tomorrow's Goal: Rest day, focus on diet

Getting Back into the Groove...

Well, someone (me) threw me off of my groove....beware the groooove :)  I am now beginning to get my groove back!  I walked again today and without as much pain.  It seems that my muscle memory is beginning to kick in.  I am traveling faster and longer.  It was pouring today when I went for my walk, but I still did it.  I walked down Interstate from work to the Vocational Rehab office, then back. Took me 42 minutes and besides the lower half of me being soaked, it went very well.

Some of you may be asking why I went down to Vocational Rehab; I have a hearing loss.  I am supposed to wear hearing aids in both ears, but I don't.  Typically, I can hear women's voices well and since a good portion of my life is women, I just kept going forward.  I learned how to lip read to insert what I was missing in a conversation, I've learned how to nod and follow the cues of the person I am talking with so they don't know that I can't hear them.  During this time I have continued to turn up the TV louder and louder to where now Kat complains of it and the twins tell me that it keeps them up at night after they have gone to bed.  You would think that would be enough to make me get my hearing aids, but no.  It took not being able to hear a female patient in a quiet office face to face for me to go, I need hearing aids.

I was also in a training this week and again, women were talking, but I can' t hear them.  Kat has been telling me that my hearing seems worse.  So we'll see what comes of this as to if they will help me get my hearing aids and if so, what type and where will be the best bang for our buck.

So as I am getting back in the groove of walking, changing my diet and lifestyle, and taking care of me, part of that is taking care of my hearing.  This is part of caring for me.  It will allow me to interact with the world in a very different way.  I have worn hearing aids before and it is a very overwhelming and over stimulating experience.  At the same time, the depth to sound always amazes me.  There are tones I don't hear, clanks and clunks in the car, the kids consipring, and the whisper of my lover.  I hope that this part of my journey turns out as I am hoping.  Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I will continue to work towards my goals.  I am feeling stronger each day.  My goal, though I don't know how realistic it will be, is to be 240 lbs (109 kg) by Kat's and my wedding at the end of August.  That is a 20 lb (9 kg) drop in 6 months.  Between now in then I will set my daily and weekly goals to help make this happen. 

My goal today was to walk at lunch-accomplished
My goal for tomorrow is to stay at or below my 2000 calorie goal (weekends are an eat fest for me)

Two Mornings in a Row

I am beginning to feel stronger...Yea!!  I have been able to get up the last 2 days and take a shower (instead of a bath), get the dishes washed and make toad in the hole for the twins.  I am not overly perky, but I do have the energy to do this without feeling wiped out.

I continue to feel sore from my stair exercise a couple of days ago.  I did walk yesterday, so I don't know if that kept my muscles from healing.  I have to go for pulmonary function tests today during my lunch hour, so I won't be walking.  I am hoping that the break will help my muscles heal.  I will lift some free weights at home this evening, working on my arm strength.

At lunch today, I was excited to see that my caloric intake was 200 calories less than I usually am.  My goal today was to keep my calories at or under 2000, and I have been on target for that today. 

Good news, my pulmonary function test didn't take as long as it should have, so I was able to get a 30 minute walk in!!  Yipee!!

All in all it has been a good day.  Now if I can control the evening munchies, I'll be doing well.

Today's goal: eat 2000 calories or less
Tomorrow's goal: Walk at lunch

Continuing to Move

Boy am I sore today!!  Yesterday I was in a training all day.  While in the training, I felt frustrated and wanted to help explain things in an easier way for people to understand, but it wasn't my place.  The frustration steeped until our lunch break.  During my break, I blew off some of this pent up energy by walking 9 flights of stairs. 

I was on the 9th floor, so I walked down to the 6th floor, then back up to the 9th floor 3 times.  I was able to accomplish this in 15 minutes.  So this is what I got out of 15 minutes of stairs, wobbly and shaking legs for 2 hours and this morning sore calves, thighs, hips, and back.  Even with the repercussions from the stairs, I am glad I did it.

I was able to decrease my frustration level and begin to relax.  While I am sore today, I know that it did me well.  I have been looking more and more at Dr. Doug McGuff's information, and some of what he is saying is that to burn fat and increase muscle, using short bursts of intensive activity helps.  SO...I considered 9 flights of stairs in 15 minutes a short burst of intense activity (at least at my size :) 

I have to give a hat tip to my love, Kat.  She got me the best thing for Valentine's Day...a Striiv.  This is a great gadget; I LOVE gadgets!  Ok, so what does a new gadget have to do with my weight loss journey?  The Striiv is a pedometer, but with many more features. 

So yes, the Striiv is a pedometer; tells me how many steps I've taken, how many miles I've walked, the equivalent of how many stairs I've climbed, how many calories I've burned.  I am able to earn trophies for goals accomplished i.e. walking 1500 steps.  There are also challenges you can participate in to increase your activity.  Because of these features, I find the Striiv to be more interactive and motivating.  The thing is, that's not all!  The Striiv also has a game that you can play.  By walking you earn energy and you use this energy in the game to build up the land around you.  The more you walk, the more energy you get and the more you have to build with.  Yet, there is one more feature that really sold me on the Striiv; charity.  Based on how many steps you walk, the company will make donations to your choice of 3 different charities in your name.  The company is working with their corporate sponsors to make this happen.  There is donating towards clean water for villages in Africa, providing polio shots for developing countries, and saving the Amazon rain forest.  I have chosen to walk for the Amazon rain forest. 

I like the design of the strive.  It can be worn on your key chain, but I choose to clip it to the inside of my pocket.  I don't even know it's there.  It is advertised to be able to work in your purse, on your key chain, or in a pocket.  I keep my Striiv on my key chain so I don't forget it, but as soon as I pick up my keys, I remove it and clip it on the inside of my pocket.  It is an awesome gadget!

All the data is kept in the Striiv, the only time you need to synch is to download your donations for your charities.  Striiv does not help manage your food, it is totally about motivating you to move.  For me that is ok because I am already hooked up and successfully use caloriecount.com to help manage my diet and caloric intake.

Kat got herself the FitBit.  This is another amazing device.  It follows steps, calories burned, but also has an altimeter so it can sense when you are climbing stairs.  This device will wirelessly upload this information to your web page on the FitBit site.  It also connects with other applications like My Fitness Pal.  On the website you are able to track your food intake and caloric needs.  The really cool thing about the FitBit is that it also has a way of detecting how well you are sleeping and how many times per night you wake up; it a more holistic view of your health.  The FitBit is small and easily clips on belts and bras.  Kat clips her to her bra and states that she forgets that it is there. 

Both of these are mid range in expense.  We found ours at Amazon.com for about $100 each.  I am looking forward to seeing how far this gadget will take me :)

As for today, I walked for 35 minutes in the parking garage.  Amazingly, my calves and thighs hurt with stairs, but not the garage.  Now my low back over my hips hurt.  I've had that issue since I've started walking again.  I am realizing that I am holding my upper body rigid and leaning forward when I walk.  When I realize my back is hurting, I relax, settle into my hips and my center and bring the upper part of my body back.  This doesn't totally relieve the pain, but it does ease it enough so I don't want to give up and quit the exercise.

Today's goal was to walk the parking lot-succeeded
Tomorrow's goal- meet my goal of 2000 cal for the day