Update:
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -252 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Good Day. All in all it has been a quiet weekend. Time spent with my family and my beautiful Kat. With birthday celebrations, I have been less stringent on my calorie monitoring. While I have given myself permission to have the yummy cheesecake with lime curd that was made by my Dad, the chocolate chip mint ice cream cake that the four of us enjoyed watching Spongebob Squarepants together. I have not pushed to go out to walk. I have enjoyed taking time to be with my girls. To me, this time is healthy too.
I have to remind myself that I won't succeed if I am overly stringent and prevent myself from enjoying my life. Kat and I spent last night pitting 15 lbs of cherries, then made 5 cherry pie fillings to freeze and 9 jars of cherry jam plus 19 jars of strawberry jam. Kat and I enjoy jamming together. Again, this is healthy, but is it rejuvenating?
In some ways it is. I find it relaxing, have fun joking around and working with Kat. At the same time it is physically taxing and there is a limited amount of time once the process is started to actually finish the process. In the end, I will be tired but happy with what we did. I feel that my birthday weekend was perfect even though we didn't "do" anything but be a family and chill.
Defining healthy time vs. busy time is hard. I'm not very good at it. I still feel the drive to get moving and be productive. I am finding though that the projects I am embarking on are projects that I love and that I find relaxing.
Time to make more strawberry jam. We are up to another 9 jars of jam today with 2 more batches to go.
Successes: found time to have space with my family
Barriers: my birthday weekend
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Happy 41st Birthday!!
Update:
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -321 cal
Waist: 48 3/4 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
Happy Birthday to me!!! So here we are, I'm 41 today :O) My mood is good and nothing is going to change it :) We were planning a trip to the Enchanted Forest, but Abby had complaints of ear pain, so we went to the urgent care instead. Yep an ear infection. So instead of walking around the theme park, we are going to have a family movie tonight!! As long as I have the 3 of them with me, it will be a good day.
I love my partner and the twins. I have never been happier in my life as I am at this moment. I am surrounded by wonderful and supportive friends, an amazing partner, two incredible children, and an extended family that love me no matter what I throw their way.
For this to happen, I have to have a love for myself. I am proud of who I am and what my life has become. I don't think I could be in a better space; I'm loved, I am safe, I am happy.
So today, as part of my birthday wish, I wish that each of you are able to find that safe, comfortable, and happy space within yourself. I look forward to spending my 41st year getting closer to those around me.
Successes: I have lived for 41 years! I am in a good mood :)
Barriers: it is a weekend and my diet is not as healthy, not much exercise today
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -321 cal
Waist: 48 3/4 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2
Happy Birthday to me!!! So here we are, I'm 41 today :O) My mood is good and nothing is going to change it :) We were planning a trip to the Enchanted Forest, but Abby had complaints of ear pain, so we went to the urgent care instead. Yep an ear infection. So instead of walking around the theme park, we are going to have a family movie tonight!! As long as I have the 3 of them with me, it will be a good day.
I love my partner and the twins. I have never been happier in my life as I am at this moment. I am surrounded by wonderful and supportive friends, an amazing partner, two incredible children, and an extended family that love me no matter what I throw their way.
For this to happen, I have to have a love for myself. I am proud of who I am and what my life has become. I don't think I could be in a better space; I'm loved, I am safe, I am happy.
So today, as part of my birthday wish, I wish that each of you are able to find that safe, comfortable, and happy space within yourself. I look forward to spending my 41st year getting closer to those around me.
Successes: I have lived for 41 years! I am in a good mood :)
Barriers: it is a weekend and my diet is not as healthy, not much exercise today
Friday, July 29, 2011
Shabbot Shalom
Update:
Weight: 250.2 lbs
Net Cal: -328 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
It is Friday!! Baruch Hashem! (Thank God) We are looking at a beautiful weekend here in the Pacific Northwest. Summer has arrived, suny and 80 degrees. It is still chilly in the mornings, below 60, but to me this is perfect weather :)
I am really looking forward to lighting the Shabbot candles tonight. For some reason, I am looking forward to the serenity that comes with the lighting of the candles. There is a connection made with the Holy, with the community, and with myself that happens. I am in need of that connection right now.
I am missing my congregational community; I am feeling detached. We have an incredible shul. I love the people, the rabbi, the energy! Unfortunately, they are located on the East side. Due to the timing of me getting off work, picking up the kids, dinner, and traffic back to the shul, we don't usually make it to the Friday night services. Torah study is @ 9 am on Saturdays, and I find excuses to no get up and go.
What is creating the barrier for me to go on Saturdays? It's my only day to sleep in, the kids will be disruptive, I have chores and grocery shopping I have to do, ect... I have the yearning to be more involved, yet I find reasons to not follow through on that yearning. What is it that is preventing me from following through?
I am always tired, the shopping can be done after Torah study, the girls would learn a lot by us attending.
I was waylaid by grocery shopping tonight so that we would have tomorrow off (my birthday). So at this time, my train of thought is completely de-railed.
Successes: lunch walk, grocery shopping, got through the work day
Barriers: did not eat dinner until 9:30 pm
Shabbot Shalom
Weight: 250.2 lbs
Net Cal: -328 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
It is Friday!! Baruch Hashem! (Thank God) We are looking at a beautiful weekend here in the Pacific Northwest. Summer has arrived, suny and 80 degrees. It is still chilly in the mornings, below 60, but to me this is perfect weather :)
I am really looking forward to lighting the Shabbot candles tonight. For some reason, I am looking forward to the serenity that comes with the lighting of the candles. There is a connection made with the Holy, with the community, and with myself that happens. I am in need of that connection right now.
I am missing my congregational community; I am feeling detached. We have an incredible shul. I love the people, the rabbi, the energy! Unfortunately, they are located on the East side. Due to the timing of me getting off work, picking up the kids, dinner, and traffic back to the shul, we don't usually make it to the Friday night services. Torah study is @ 9 am on Saturdays, and I find excuses to no get up and go.
What is creating the barrier for me to go on Saturdays? It's my only day to sleep in, the kids will be disruptive, I have chores and grocery shopping I have to do, ect... I have the yearning to be more involved, yet I find reasons to not follow through on that yearning. What is it that is preventing me from following through?
I am always tired, the shopping can be done after Torah study, the girls would learn a lot by us attending.
I was waylaid by grocery shopping tonight so that we would have tomorrow off (my birthday). So at this time, my train of thought is completely de-railed.
Successes: lunch walk, grocery shopping, got through the work day
Barriers: did not eat dinner until 9:30 pm
Shabbot Shalom
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Not ready for this
Update:
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -180 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
I have to admit, I am perceverating on the fact that it appears I am entering early menopause. I have joked about not having a menstral cycle for quite some time. I've always had issues with my menstral cycle, so to not have to deal with it seems like a blessing. Yet, here I am looking at a very real possibility of entering menopause at the age of 41 (ok 40 until Saturday).
I in no way want to have more kids. I love the twins and am blessed to have them in my life; my pregnancy was an experience I never want to relive. If we are to have more kids, it would be Kat's turn; I have no intention of having any more children. So it makes sense, not having any more children, entering menopause would be a relief.
I remember in nursing school we talked about menopause and how women, regardless if they want more kids or not, seem to have difficulty wrapping thier brains around it. At that time (early 20's) I thought, are you kidding? Why would anyone want to deal with their menstral cycle if they don't have to? Well here I am and I am saying, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
I have to admit, I am concerned about the weight gain. Here I am working to get my weight under control, and my body will be working against me. I am already having issues with insomnia; that doesn't help either. Now I go through this freak out period, imagine all the things that "could" happen, then I settle into my take it as it comes attitude.
As always, though there is good that comes of all things. I am not afraid to age, though I never really believed that it would happen ;) Aging is just part of the process and continuing to take away lessons learned is the goal. Also it means, that I may be over all of this by the time the twins start their cycles....happy dance!! I have to admit, I wasn't looking forward to all of us cycling at the same time, or worse, one week apart....shudder....
I know for some of you, this may be TMI. This subject though effects my wellbeing and health. It changes how I look at my body and what I expect my body to be able to do. I find it funny, we can't wait to be adults but to do so, we have to work our way through puberty. Then to enter your years where children are not the sole focus we have to go through another puberty like hormonal experience.
Again, I am amazed at our bodies, how they are able to run so smoothly and consistantly. There is a predictability to our life cycle. Yet, even with that predictability, I find myself saying, yes these things will happen to me, but much further down the road; I am always surprised when down the road is now!
Successes: Walked at lunch, fit into a shirt that a friend gave me that was too tight a few weeks ago
Barriers: Walked in my Penny Loafers (wasn't a problem a month ago) and now have blisters on the balls of my feet :( 5 hrs of sleep last night, tired
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -180 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
I have to admit, I am perceverating on the fact that it appears I am entering early menopause. I have joked about not having a menstral cycle for quite some time. I've always had issues with my menstral cycle, so to not have to deal with it seems like a blessing. Yet, here I am looking at a very real possibility of entering menopause at the age of 41 (ok 40 until Saturday).
I in no way want to have more kids. I love the twins and am blessed to have them in my life; my pregnancy was an experience I never want to relive. If we are to have more kids, it would be Kat's turn; I have no intention of having any more children. So it makes sense, not having any more children, entering menopause would be a relief.
I remember in nursing school we talked about menopause and how women, regardless if they want more kids or not, seem to have difficulty wrapping thier brains around it. At that time (early 20's) I thought, are you kidding? Why would anyone want to deal with their menstral cycle if they don't have to? Well here I am and I am saying, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
I have to admit, I am concerned about the weight gain. Here I am working to get my weight under control, and my body will be working against me. I am already having issues with insomnia; that doesn't help either. Now I go through this freak out period, imagine all the things that "could" happen, then I settle into my take it as it comes attitude.
As always, though there is good that comes of all things. I am not afraid to age, though I never really believed that it would happen ;) Aging is just part of the process and continuing to take away lessons learned is the goal. Also it means, that I may be over all of this by the time the twins start their cycles....happy dance!! I have to admit, I wasn't looking forward to all of us cycling at the same time, or worse, one week apart....shudder....
I know for some of you, this may be TMI. This subject though effects my wellbeing and health. It changes how I look at my body and what I expect my body to be able to do. I find it funny, we can't wait to be adults but to do so, we have to work our way through puberty. Then to enter your years where children are not the sole focus we have to go through another puberty like hormonal experience.
Again, I am amazed at our bodies, how they are able to run so smoothly and consistantly. There is a predictability to our life cycle. Yet, even with that predictability, I find myself saying, yes these things will happen to me, but much further down the road; I am always surprised when down the road is now!
Successes: Walked at lunch, fit into a shirt that a friend gave me that was too tight a few weeks ago
Barriers: Walked in my Penny Loafers (wasn't a problem a month ago) and now have blisters on the balls of my feet :( 5 hrs of sleep last night, tired
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Demons...The Sequel
Update:
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: +167
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walk to Bales and back
First, I want to say Thank You!! I have been surprised by how many people are reading the blog and appreciate all the comments and advice I have been receiving! Thank you!
One of my biggest demons is my lack of self esteem. Now for those of you who know me as an adult, you may be saying, what is she talking about. For a large portion of my life, I felt that I was not lovable. I felt that I was untouchable. Many of my nightmares revolved around these two themes.
As a young adult, I didn't understand what was wrong with me and why men did not find me attractive. It wasn't until 1997 when I was 27 did I realize and accept that I was a lesbian (Sammy don't giggle ;) This did not help the feeling of isolation. I felt even more of an outsider and more alone. So when my first wife came around, I jumped thinking that this would be my only opportunity at having someone in my life. I didn't trust myself to find someone who worked for me, so I settled.
Unfortunately not only did I make a mistake, it hurt several other people that I never wanted to hurt. While I feel that the decisions I felt I had to make hurt others, I do feel I made the right decision. So when I did start dating again, I had more confidence in myself. I had certain attributes I wanted in a partner. I wasn't going to settle; I found that women find me attractive and that I am not alone or isolated.
After one more failed marriage, I have found a woman whom I love and am very happy with. I couldn't feel happier and more in love with anyone. She and I work well together and feel that we each has truly found our true partner. This doesn't stop the doubt about how I contributed to my other failed marriages. Will I do the same thing to Kat? How can I prevent those behaviors? Will she find me unlovable once the shine is gone from our relationship? I know she won't but the feelings are still there, the doubts.
People who know me professionally, don't see someone who is unsure of themselves. I am a confident and competent nurse. What they don't see is the anxiety that happens when I get home. The constant questioning of did I make the right decisions, did I make a mistake that would harm someone, was my assessments done correctly, could I have seen the complications coming sooner than I did... All of this questioning and re-assessment made me a good nurse, but caused a lot of stress in my life.
I have difficulty making friends, I am very shy. My Mom used to tell me, even if I didn't feel confident in myself, that if I pretended I was, others would think I was. She was right. Even today I pretend. It takes me a long time to get to know people in new situations. When I first entered our shul, I was very shy and did not know how to relate to others in the congregation. I was new to Judaism and was not familiar with the services, the holidays, or the traditions. I now feel apart of our congregation, have several people I feel fortunate to call friends, and know that this is the place that I want to worship and for the girls to grow up in their spirituality.
The constant questioning of myself in my personal, professional, and spiritual life creates a feeling of uncertainty. As any parent, I worry that I am doing right by the children. How does my constant questioning effect the girls? Is it a negative effect or a positive effect? Will they grow up feeling unloved and untouchable as well?
I tell the girls every day I love them. I am always telling them how proud I am of them and that the rock! I now need to learn to tell my self everyday that I love me and tell myself how proud I am of me. I need to be a good parent to myself. I need to be as gentle with myself when I make a mistake as I am with the twins or Kat. It is important that I see that I am lovable even as I am, not just when I get to a certain weight.
Successes: Kat asked me to take a walk since I have been home a couple of days so I did
Barriers: Depression, never enough time to get through all I want/need to do
Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: +167
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walk to Bales and back
First, I want to say Thank You!! I have been surprised by how many people are reading the blog and appreciate all the comments and advice I have been receiving! Thank you!
One of my biggest demons is my lack of self esteem. Now for those of you who know me as an adult, you may be saying, what is she talking about. For a large portion of my life, I felt that I was not lovable. I felt that I was untouchable. Many of my nightmares revolved around these two themes.
As a young adult, I didn't understand what was wrong with me and why men did not find me attractive. It wasn't until 1997 when I was 27 did I realize and accept that I was a lesbian (Sammy don't giggle ;) This did not help the feeling of isolation. I felt even more of an outsider and more alone. So when my first wife came around, I jumped thinking that this would be my only opportunity at having someone in my life. I didn't trust myself to find someone who worked for me, so I settled.
Unfortunately not only did I make a mistake, it hurt several other people that I never wanted to hurt. While I feel that the decisions I felt I had to make hurt others, I do feel I made the right decision. So when I did start dating again, I had more confidence in myself. I had certain attributes I wanted in a partner. I wasn't going to settle; I found that women find me attractive and that I am not alone or isolated.
After one more failed marriage, I have found a woman whom I love and am very happy with. I couldn't feel happier and more in love with anyone. She and I work well together and feel that we each has truly found our true partner. This doesn't stop the doubt about how I contributed to my other failed marriages. Will I do the same thing to Kat? How can I prevent those behaviors? Will she find me unlovable once the shine is gone from our relationship? I know she won't but the feelings are still there, the doubts.
People who know me professionally, don't see someone who is unsure of themselves. I am a confident and competent nurse. What they don't see is the anxiety that happens when I get home. The constant questioning of did I make the right decisions, did I make a mistake that would harm someone, was my assessments done correctly, could I have seen the complications coming sooner than I did... All of this questioning and re-assessment made me a good nurse, but caused a lot of stress in my life.
I have difficulty making friends, I am very shy. My Mom used to tell me, even if I didn't feel confident in myself, that if I pretended I was, others would think I was. She was right. Even today I pretend. It takes me a long time to get to know people in new situations. When I first entered our shul, I was very shy and did not know how to relate to others in the congregation. I was new to Judaism and was not familiar with the services, the holidays, or the traditions. I now feel apart of our congregation, have several people I feel fortunate to call friends, and know that this is the place that I want to worship and for the girls to grow up in their spirituality.
The constant questioning of myself in my personal, professional, and spiritual life creates a feeling of uncertainty. As any parent, I worry that I am doing right by the children. How does my constant questioning effect the girls? Is it a negative effect or a positive effect? Will they grow up feeling unloved and untouchable as well?
I tell the girls every day I love them. I am always telling them how proud I am of them and that the rock! I now need to learn to tell my self everyday that I love me and tell myself how proud I am of me. I need to be a good parent to myself. I need to be as gentle with myself when I make a mistake as I am with the twins or Kat. It is important that I see that I am lovable even as I am, not just when I get to a certain weight.
Successes: Kat asked me to take a walk since I have been home a couple of days so I did
Barriers: Depression, never enough time to get through all I want/need to do
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Demons!
Update:
Weight: 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 35 cal
Waist: 50 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x 2,
Depression is one of my demons. It manifests itself in many different ways; through my asthma, through fatigue, through apathy... I am again, fighting with it. I've been under a lot of stress lately and find that my negative messages are starting up again. I also see where my binging has started as well. One of the worst times for me though is the summer.
During the summer I usually have issues with my asthma. Hot weather, pollens, dust, ect all contribute. My therapist also thought there was some reason Summers are hard on me; a few years ago, I think I found a clue as to why.
I went under hypnosis (collective groan) to help break through some of the barriers that had impeded my progress. I had several sessions with a wonderful therapist who had helped me see many of my filters from a different angle and allowed me to let go of some of them. In one of our last sessions, I found a memory of my bare feet in grass and I was about 3 years old. My Mom was talking with another adult and I came running up to her very frightened. She kept telling me to be quiet and I turned around and the thing I was scared of was in the parking lot...a young man whom I knew.
Now, while everyone is thinking we've heard this before, under hypnosis you discover you were sexually molested by someone. To be honest, we don't know what happened. What we do know is that this young man created a fear in me that was equivalent to a reaction of a molestation patient. It doesn't matter physically what happened, just the emotional response and consequently, decisions that were made by that 3 year old that have had consequences ever since. For the next 4 years, until I was 7, these fears were present. I never forgot that young man and my Mom was shocked when I started asking questions about him; she didn't think I remembered him.
The decision I made was to be bigger so that no one could scare me or hurt me again. Now in the mind of a 3 year old, that would be an adult, someone equal size. I often wonder how much this decision has effected my weight. Being aware has helped, I am not as effected during the summer, but there is still this unseen stress that crops up.
On another note, it seems that my body is a bit confused. I've been startled at how off my weight has been and how it is as I'm about to start my period. Well, it was right, I started my period 2 weeks early. So the hormone shift could have a lot to do with some of the difficulties I've been having. This also means that I may be entering peri-menopause. I have never been early in my life, so.....
Successes: I got out of bed, bought a 16 oz scale
Barriers: Started my period, did not walk
Weight: 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 35 cal
Waist: 50 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x 2,
Depression is one of my demons. It manifests itself in many different ways; through my asthma, through fatigue, through apathy... I am again, fighting with it. I've been under a lot of stress lately and find that my negative messages are starting up again. I also see where my binging has started as well. One of the worst times for me though is the summer.
During the summer I usually have issues with my asthma. Hot weather, pollens, dust, ect all contribute. My therapist also thought there was some reason Summers are hard on me; a few years ago, I think I found a clue as to why.
I went under hypnosis (collective groan) to help break through some of the barriers that had impeded my progress. I had several sessions with a wonderful therapist who had helped me see many of my filters from a different angle and allowed me to let go of some of them. In one of our last sessions, I found a memory of my bare feet in grass and I was about 3 years old. My Mom was talking with another adult and I came running up to her very frightened. She kept telling me to be quiet and I turned around and the thing I was scared of was in the parking lot...a young man whom I knew.
Now, while everyone is thinking we've heard this before, under hypnosis you discover you were sexually molested by someone. To be honest, we don't know what happened. What we do know is that this young man created a fear in me that was equivalent to a reaction of a molestation patient. It doesn't matter physically what happened, just the emotional response and consequently, decisions that were made by that 3 year old that have had consequences ever since. For the next 4 years, until I was 7, these fears were present. I never forgot that young man and my Mom was shocked when I started asking questions about him; she didn't think I remembered him.
The decision I made was to be bigger so that no one could scare me or hurt me again. Now in the mind of a 3 year old, that would be an adult, someone equal size. I often wonder how much this decision has effected my weight. Being aware has helped, I am not as effected during the summer, but there is still this unseen stress that crops up.
On another note, it seems that my body is a bit confused. I've been startled at how off my weight has been and how it is as I'm about to start my period. Well, it was right, I started my period 2 weeks early. So the hormone shift could have a lot to do with some of the difficulties I've been having. This also means that I may be entering peri-menopause. I have never been early in my life, so.....
Successes: I got out of bed, bought a 16 oz scale
Barriers: Started my period, did not walk
Monday, July 25, 2011
Just another day
Update:
Weight: 254.6 lbs
Net Cal: +167 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Here we are, another day in the Pacific Northwest! I was awakened at 0500 by a clap of thunder. Yes, you read that right, a loud, clap of thunder woke me up! I went to check on the twins because we just don't have thunderstorms in our part of Oregon very often. As I walked out of our room, the girls showed up in their doorway having the same look of panic and fear that is on the faces of the children in The Sound of Music. I half expected us to break out in song of My Favorite Things.
I haven't really talked w/ Kat yet, but I am seriously thinking of the Body Bugg like my friend Trish suggested. I think my success lies in knowing what my expenditure is vs. my intake. As long as I am putting out more than I take in, I'll be good. I am using a program to help estimate my in and out, but I would really be interested in seeing what I really do put out.
I am wresting with the cost; wrestling with the knowledge that I go gung ho and have difficulty maintaining the activity. So would this be a waste of money and worth taking it from the family? Right now, my answer is no. Even if I did stick with it, I can't justify the money to put out. So how do I get a better idea of what my output really is?
While I was walking at lunch I came to the conclusion that I need to stop guesstimating my food and actually weigh it and measure it out so I know how much I am really eating. My guess, I'm eating a lot more than I think I am. So my goal tonight is to begin to figure out how much my usual transport of food holds, i.e. ziplock bags, tupperware, bowls, ect. Poor Kat, she is going to have to put up with me taking everything out and pouring food into it so I know what I am doing. She puts up with an awful lot from me.
I have actually decided to purchase a kitchen scale to assist with acurate reporting. I am also looking at pedometers both wrist and pocket/waist band to at least give me a better idea of how many calories I am burning durning the day. It doesn't look at what my total caloric needs and burn rates are, but its something.
So here I am trying to create down time and space, but need to take the time to really look at this and take the time to measure everything. It is a hard call, I want to do things that are good for me, but fill up my space time. I want to plan hiking trips, but here we are with summer half over and I have yet to hit the trail or make it to the beach. I want to study Torah, but again, it takes time out of my space time. So my other question is, where is the line between encouraging healthy behaviors without filling up the space? Again, I don't have an answer.
Successes: walked at lunch, not as tired, decided to weigh my food
Barriers: feeling hungry, feeling aprehensive
Weight: 254.6 lbs
Net Cal: +167 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,
Here we are, another day in the Pacific Northwest! I was awakened at 0500 by a clap of thunder. Yes, you read that right, a loud, clap of thunder woke me up! I went to check on the twins because we just don't have thunderstorms in our part of Oregon very often. As I walked out of our room, the girls showed up in their doorway having the same look of panic and fear that is on the faces of the children in The Sound of Music. I half expected us to break out in song of My Favorite Things.
I haven't really talked w/ Kat yet, but I am seriously thinking of the Body Bugg like my friend Trish suggested. I think my success lies in knowing what my expenditure is vs. my intake. As long as I am putting out more than I take in, I'll be good. I am using a program to help estimate my in and out, but I would really be interested in seeing what I really do put out.
I am wresting with the cost; wrestling with the knowledge that I go gung ho and have difficulty maintaining the activity. So would this be a waste of money and worth taking it from the family? Right now, my answer is no. Even if I did stick with it, I can't justify the money to put out. So how do I get a better idea of what my output really is?
While I was walking at lunch I came to the conclusion that I need to stop guesstimating my food and actually weigh it and measure it out so I know how much I am really eating. My guess, I'm eating a lot more than I think I am. So my goal tonight is to begin to figure out how much my usual transport of food holds, i.e. ziplock bags, tupperware, bowls, ect. Poor Kat, she is going to have to put up with me taking everything out and pouring food into it so I know what I am doing. She puts up with an awful lot from me.
I have actually decided to purchase a kitchen scale to assist with acurate reporting. I am also looking at pedometers both wrist and pocket/waist band to at least give me a better idea of how many calories I am burning durning the day. It doesn't look at what my total caloric needs and burn rates are, but its something.
So here I am trying to create down time and space, but need to take the time to really look at this and take the time to measure everything. It is a hard call, I want to do things that are good for me, but fill up my space time. I want to plan hiking trips, but here we are with summer half over and I have yet to hit the trail or make it to the beach. I want to study Torah, but again, it takes time out of my space time. So my other question is, where is the line between encouraging healthy behaviors without filling up the space? Again, I don't have an answer.
Successes: walked at lunch, not as tired, decided to weigh my food
Barriers: feeling hungry, feeling aprehensive
Sunday, July 24, 2011
WOW!!
Update:
Weight: 252.3 lbs.
Net Cal: -419 cal
Exercise: walked dog 10 min x2, carried a small refrigerator upstairs 5 min,
We met Kat's parents for breakfast this morning to celebrate her Father's birthday (7/20) and my upcoming birthday on 7/30. We decided to go to Elmer's. I was looking at everything on the menu, but decided on my old standby, ham and cheese omelet w/ hash browns and a biscuit. I had wanted to get the strawberry crepes, but chose the meal with what I perceived as "healthier" because in had protein. Ironically, because I had tried to "get" Fred and told the staff it was his birthday and he made sure to say it was mine as well, we each got a strawberry crepe with a candle.
I came home and started adding the meal to my calorie sheet. When I looked at the total calorie and nutritional intake of the strawberry crepe vs. the ham and cheese omelet, I should have gone with the crepes. I was surprised to be honest. We don't eat out very often, but I have to admit, this will make me reconsider my choices in the future.
I realized that I am making choices off of old tapes placed by my parents. While I love my parents, they are both overweight as well and from the south :) It also makes me wonder, how much of this I have passed on to the twins. At this point, all I can do is make better choices and be an example for the girls of how with openness and perseverance a person can learn and change for the better. My hope for them is that they get a healthier start to their lives than I did.
Successes: nap, space to enjoy my time with the family
Barriers: poor choice for breakfast, no exercise, cherry pie
Weight: 252.3 lbs.
Net Cal: -419 cal
Exercise: walked dog 10 min x2, carried a small refrigerator upstairs 5 min,
We met Kat's parents for breakfast this morning to celebrate her Father's birthday (7/20) and my upcoming birthday on 7/30. We decided to go to Elmer's. I was looking at everything on the menu, but decided on my old standby, ham and cheese omelet w/ hash browns and a biscuit. I had wanted to get the strawberry crepes, but chose the meal with what I perceived as "healthier" because in had protein. Ironically, because I had tried to "get" Fred and told the staff it was his birthday and he made sure to say it was mine as well, we each got a strawberry crepe with a candle.
I came home and started adding the meal to my calorie sheet. When I looked at the total calorie and nutritional intake of the strawberry crepe vs. the ham and cheese omelet, I should have gone with the crepes. I was surprised to be honest. We don't eat out very often, but I have to admit, this will make me reconsider my choices in the future.
I realized that I am making choices off of old tapes placed by my parents. While I love my parents, they are both overweight as well and from the south :) It also makes me wonder, how much of this I have passed on to the twins. At this point, all I can do is make better choices and be an example for the girls of how with openness and perseverance a person can learn and change for the better. My hope for them is that they get a healthier start to their lives than I did.
Successes: nap, space to enjoy my time with the family
Barriers: poor choice for breakfast, no exercise, cherry pie
Saturday, July 23, 2011
It's a process
Update:
Weight: 252.2 lbs.
Net Cal: -129 cal
Exercise: walked dogs 10 min x 2, shopped Costco and Fred Meyers for a total of 60 min
Here it is a bright sunny day in the Pacific Northwest! While the rest of the country is sweltering in their Summer, it appears that Summer shows up here for a day or two, then we descend back into Fall. I am in on means complaining, I really don't like the heat. I am excited though that I have found a way to keep walking even in the cold, rainy weather; I have started walking the parking garage at work!
As a nurse case manager, I think outside the box to help my patients achieve their health goals. I remind them that every success is worth celebrating, and that they should be gentle on themselves. I am beginning to use the same talk and tools with myself.
This morning I found myself feeling anxious and pushing myself to get going, get the shopping done, then come home and clean the house. I stopped, re-evaluated the situation. It was only 0900, and it would be OK if we didn't leave the house until after 10. So I slowed down, and relaxed. The girls and I left @ 1030 and were home by 1230. It all worked out and I am OK, nothing bad happened because I took some extra time for me so I didn't feel anxious.
As Kat and I were talking this morning before I left, it came up that she has an issue that I do; we both project negative talk onto strangers and assume they are thinking derogatorily towards us. For example: standing in line with ice cream, the assumption is that the people around me, the clerk, others in line, those I pass from the ice cream freezer to the check out, the are all thinking that fat woman doesn't need ice cream....why is she getting ice cream she is already so fat...what a fat ass, she's only going to get bigger w/ the ice cream. NOW, in reality, my guess is many of those people haven't even registered that they passed me. I remind myself that out of all the people I encounter during that trip to the store, a very small percentage would have those thoughts, yet I feel as though everyone is looking at the fat woman buying ice cream.
It is a process. I have been working on my negative self talk. I don't automatically blame myself for issues that come up. I look at all involved. I don't berate myself when I make a mistake and I look at events in my life as a continuum, in the scope of my life, is this something that is a big deal? So now, I see that I am creating negative talk through projection on others; through thinking that I am so horrible, how could someone not notice me. The funny thing is, people don't notice me, no matter how big I get.
I have been threatened in the past that a bell would be put around my neck because I "sneak" up on people. I don't do this on purpose, I just walk softly. I remember in high school I was in a volleyball class and Mrs. Coons told me that volleyball players had quiet feet...I guess I took that to heart. I have worked so hard at being invisible, that I have become invisible. Now it is time to show myself to the world!
Successes: Slowed myself down
Barriers: Continue to be tired, looks like the twins are sick and we are going to the urgent care
Just as an aside, I now fit into my KPWalk t-shirt, I changed my profile pic to show I wear it proudly :)
Weight: 252.2 lbs.
Net Cal: -129 cal
Exercise: walked dogs 10 min x 2, shopped Costco and Fred Meyers for a total of 60 min
Here it is a bright sunny day in the Pacific Northwest! While the rest of the country is sweltering in their Summer, it appears that Summer shows up here for a day or two, then we descend back into Fall. I am in on means complaining, I really don't like the heat. I am excited though that I have found a way to keep walking even in the cold, rainy weather; I have started walking the parking garage at work!
As a nurse case manager, I think outside the box to help my patients achieve their health goals. I remind them that every success is worth celebrating, and that they should be gentle on themselves. I am beginning to use the same talk and tools with myself.
This morning I found myself feeling anxious and pushing myself to get going, get the shopping done, then come home and clean the house. I stopped, re-evaluated the situation. It was only 0900, and it would be OK if we didn't leave the house until after 10. So I slowed down, and relaxed. The girls and I left @ 1030 and were home by 1230. It all worked out and I am OK, nothing bad happened because I took some extra time for me so I didn't feel anxious.
As Kat and I were talking this morning before I left, it came up that she has an issue that I do; we both project negative talk onto strangers and assume they are thinking derogatorily towards us. For example: standing in line with ice cream, the assumption is that the people around me, the clerk, others in line, those I pass from the ice cream freezer to the check out, the are all thinking that fat woman doesn't need ice cream....why is she getting ice cream she is already so fat...what a fat ass, she's only going to get bigger w/ the ice cream. NOW, in reality, my guess is many of those people haven't even registered that they passed me. I remind myself that out of all the people I encounter during that trip to the store, a very small percentage would have those thoughts, yet I feel as though everyone is looking at the fat woman buying ice cream.
It is a process. I have been working on my negative self talk. I don't automatically blame myself for issues that come up. I look at all involved. I don't berate myself when I make a mistake and I look at events in my life as a continuum, in the scope of my life, is this something that is a big deal? So now, I see that I am creating negative talk through projection on others; through thinking that I am so horrible, how could someone not notice me. The funny thing is, people don't notice me, no matter how big I get.
I have been threatened in the past that a bell would be put around my neck because I "sneak" up on people. I don't do this on purpose, I just walk softly. I remember in high school I was in a volleyball class and Mrs. Coons told me that volleyball players had quiet feet...I guess I took that to heart. I have worked so hard at being invisible, that I have become invisible. Now it is time to show myself to the world!
Successes: Slowed myself down
Barriers: Continue to be tired, looks like the twins are sick and we are going to the urgent care
Just as an aside, I now fit into my KPWalk t-shirt, I changed my profile pic to show I wear it proudly :)
Friday, July 22, 2011
Our Amazing Bodies
Update:
Weight 255 lbs.
Net Cal.: -154 cal
Inches: 50 in
Walking: walking dog 10 min x 2, 30 min walk @ lunch
Walking across the parking lot this morning, I became aware (again) of how amazing our bodies are. I walked out into street and a car turned the corner next to the parking garage. My eyes see the car, my brain recognizes that it is a car that is moving, then sent a message to my body and muscles to stop my movement. Then the car stopped and the driver waved me on. Again, my mind recognized the gesture and sent another message and my body moved forward. All of this happened in the matter of seconds.
I have always believed in a higher power, but what really solidified my belief was my anatomy and physiology class. To look at everything our body does from the cellular level to the electric impulses to ability to move, it is amazing that we have so few anomalies. Then add in the emotional and spiritual beings we are and it is truly amazing! Our bodies are integrated with our emotions, our abstract selves. It is a wonder to be had!
Given this truly amazing body, where did I go wrong? I was listening to K103 this morning and came in at the tail end of a discussion about portion sizes. I liked the comment by Janine Wolf, use Duct Tape! As a lesbian, I believe that Duct Tape is the answer to most issues.
Really though, portion sizes is a huge part of it. I have realized that my portion sizes are creeping up again.
I am not an endless eating machine anymore, but I am finding that I am over eating and not stopping when I am full. I also want to graze all day. I make sure I have 2 pieces of fruit at work plus my lunch.
My food choices have improved, that is obvious by my lab numbers. I have been keeping up my walking during my lunch hour. In fact, today I started walking with a friend of mine from work. I am compliant with my medications (on occasion I miss my afternoon Wellbutrin). On the weekends I try to be active, I don't always achieve this, but my intention is there; now to just find time for space and me and activity in our already busy weekends.
I think that is one reason I stay up so late, I don't feel that I have enough time to do what I like to do. Kat and I have started taping Jeopardy!. I really enjoy watching Jeopardy!, but after watching it, I can't seem to get my butt off the couch to complete the chores I need to do. I try to do the chores before we watch Jeopardy!, but it doesn't always work with dinner (wonderfully prepared by Kat), wrangling the kids, making sure the dogs get walked, and feeling exhausted.
I know that this is a common issue amongst most working Moms. We are tired and never have enough time for us. All we can think of is the things that need to get done. It is sad to be honest. Yet our bodies keep going; heart beating, lungs breathing, brain thinking, kidneys...well doing what kidneys do. All while our minds are wrapped up in this thing called life.
There is a saying that your body is your temple. In some ways I agree with that. It is something to be taken care of, respected, and loved. Temples are also the place where you are accepted by your community even when you make mistakes. With our bodies, we are alone, we make mistakes and it shows on our body. For some it is that tattoo they regret, or the stretch marks from an unwanted pregnancy, an ATV ride that went wrong, or being obese.
Somewhere, life went wrong and a mistake was made. The mistake of using food as a coping mechanism, a comfort, a defense, and our bodies do what bodies are supposed to do, store for a famine, create a barrier between us and the outside world, provide a place for predators to bite without damaging the internal organs. Thus the cycle begins, bad feelings, eat, store, feel bad, eat more, store...
Successes: Walked at lunch
Barriers: Exhaustion secondary to trouble sleeping
Weight 255 lbs.
Net Cal.: -154 cal
Inches: 50 in
Walking: walking dog 10 min x 2, 30 min walk @ lunch
Walking across the parking lot this morning, I became aware (again) of how amazing our bodies are. I walked out into street and a car turned the corner next to the parking garage. My eyes see the car, my brain recognizes that it is a car that is moving, then sent a message to my body and muscles to stop my movement. Then the car stopped and the driver waved me on. Again, my mind recognized the gesture and sent another message and my body moved forward. All of this happened in the matter of seconds.
I have always believed in a higher power, but what really solidified my belief was my anatomy and physiology class. To look at everything our body does from the cellular level to the electric impulses to ability to move, it is amazing that we have so few anomalies. Then add in the emotional and spiritual beings we are and it is truly amazing! Our bodies are integrated with our emotions, our abstract selves. It is a wonder to be had!
Given this truly amazing body, where did I go wrong? I was listening to K103 this morning and came in at the tail end of a discussion about portion sizes. I liked the comment by Janine Wolf, use Duct Tape! As a lesbian, I believe that Duct Tape is the answer to most issues.
Really though, portion sizes is a huge part of it. I have realized that my portion sizes are creeping up again.
I am not an endless eating machine anymore, but I am finding that I am over eating and not stopping when I am full. I also want to graze all day. I make sure I have 2 pieces of fruit at work plus my lunch.
My food choices have improved, that is obvious by my lab numbers. I have been keeping up my walking during my lunch hour. In fact, today I started walking with a friend of mine from work. I am compliant with my medications (on occasion I miss my afternoon Wellbutrin). On the weekends I try to be active, I don't always achieve this, but my intention is there; now to just find time for space and me and activity in our already busy weekends.
I think that is one reason I stay up so late, I don't feel that I have enough time to do what I like to do. Kat and I have started taping Jeopardy!. I really enjoy watching Jeopardy!, but after watching it, I can't seem to get my butt off the couch to complete the chores I need to do. I try to do the chores before we watch Jeopardy!, but it doesn't always work with dinner (wonderfully prepared by Kat), wrangling the kids, making sure the dogs get walked, and feeling exhausted.
I know that this is a common issue amongst most working Moms. We are tired and never have enough time for us. All we can think of is the things that need to get done. It is sad to be honest. Yet our bodies keep going; heart beating, lungs breathing, brain thinking, kidneys...well doing what kidneys do. All while our minds are wrapped up in this thing called life.
There is a saying that your body is your temple. In some ways I agree with that. It is something to be taken care of, respected, and loved. Temples are also the place where you are accepted by your community even when you make mistakes. With our bodies, we are alone, we make mistakes and it shows on our body. For some it is that tattoo they regret, or the stretch marks from an unwanted pregnancy, an ATV ride that went wrong, or being obese.
Somewhere, life went wrong and a mistake was made. The mistake of using food as a coping mechanism, a comfort, a defense, and our bodies do what bodies are supposed to do, store for a famine, create a barrier between us and the outside world, provide a place for predators to bite without damaging the internal organs. Thus the cycle begins, bad feelings, eat, store, feel bad, eat more, store...
Successes: Walked at lunch
Barriers: Exhaustion secondary to trouble sleeping
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Curse you Jon for the chocolate chip pecan bars
Update:
Weight 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 117 cal
Walked the dogs 10 min x2
So our downstairs neighbor, Jon, called the other day saying he had made chocolate chip pecan bars for a party that fell through and asked if we would like some. We of course said yes. So here comes Jon with a plate full of yummy treats.
Now usually I am not much of a pecan person, but unfortunately for me, Jon put them on this very butter rich shortbread type cookie and covered them in brown sugar and chocolate chips...to die for. So here I am faced with these yummy treats and of course have to eat them. Now while I did not inhale the whole plate of treats like I could have 9 months ago, I did find myself going to the fridge and getting one at a time over the last 2 days. The kids didn't like theirs, so I had to eat them right?
This is one of my down falls...if there is a sweet in the house like cookies, pie, cake, and some types of candy I will make up reasons to go to the kitchen and always get one on my way by. Now, we can have these in the house, Kat can put them away and I usually won't go looking for them unless they are Oreos. The pecan bars were in the fridge, so everytime I got a water, dinner, veggies, milk, ect...I grabbed a bar.
So yesterday, I had 2.5 in the morning...the girls didn't like theirs so I finished them and then another couple last night. Looking at the fact that I ate 117 calories more than I needed to maintain my weight yesterday, I think 5 bars may have been too much...yeah, duh right! Yet there is that pull, it tastes good. I haven't been depriving myself of sweets. In fact my drop in my A1C is with a bowl of ice cream ever night; therefore my binging is not related to depriving myself of sweets. So where does it come from?
Interestingly, Kat and I are polar opposites in this area. When we have a "treat" in the house, I gorge until its gone. I do this by going back to the area of the treat and taking 1 or 2 with each pass. Kat on the other hand can have just one or a small portion and she is satisfied for several days. We actually have a problem because she will get only 1 or 2 of something and then it will be gone because I finish it. She actually gets quite irritated with me. I assumed since it had been sitting there for 4 days that she wasn't going to eat the treat, but she just wasn't "ready" to eat it. I'm not sure we have actually worked this out yet, but I do know that Kat has learned to hide her share and if she wishes to share it with me, she will offer.
I'm sure if my sister is reading this it will sound familiar. My Mother exhibits the same behavior. So the first question is, is this behavior learned? I'm sure that there is some learned behavior, but my guess is I not only learned the behavior, but probably learned that the behavior is used to cope with a feeling, or some trigger. As of this time, I do not know what triggers it. I also don't understand why it is only certain treats and if they are left out rather than hidden.
You say out of sight out of mind...but that isn't true. I know where the M&Ms are and I can access them at any time. It is something about being able to walk through the dinning room or kitchen and picking up the treat on the way...kind of a drive by snacking. You could say it was a drive by snacking by a fruit :)
Ok, I digress with a very bad play off of Mrs. Doubtfire. So my mission, should I choose to accept it, is to delve further into this behavior to understand it. With understanding comes empowerment and the ability to choose my path.
Successes: Did not eat the last chocolate chip pecan bars
Barriers: Extreme fatigue, not sleeping
Weight 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 117 cal
Walked the dogs 10 min x2
So our downstairs neighbor, Jon, called the other day saying he had made chocolate chip pecan bars for a party that fell through and asked if we would like some. We of course said yes. So here comes Jon with a plate full of yummy treats.
Now usually I am not much of a pecan person, but unfortunately for me, Jon put them on this very butter rich shortbread type cookie and covered them in brown sugar and chocolate chips...to die for. So here I am faced with these yummy treats and of course have to eat them. Now while I did not inhale the whole plate of treats like I could have 9 months ago, I did find myself going to the fridge and getting one at a time over the last 2 days. The kids didn't like theirs, so I had to eat them right?
This is one of my down falls...if there is a sweet in the house like cookies, pie, cake, and some types of candy I will make up reasons to go to the kitchen and always get one on my way by. Now, we can have these in the house, Kat can put them away and I usually won't go looking for them unless they are Oreos. The pecan bars were in the fridge, so everytime I got a water, dinner, veggies, milk, ect...I grabbed a bar.
So yesterday, I had 2.5 in the morning...the girls didn't like theirs so I finished them and then another couple last night. Looking at the fact that I ate 117 calories more than I needed to maintain my weight yesterday, I think 5 bars may have been too much...yeah, duh right! Yet there is that pull, it tastes good. I haven't been depriving myself of sweets. In fact my drop in my A1C is with a bowl of ice cream ever night; therefore my binging is not related to depriving myself of sweets. So where does it come from?
Interestingly, Kat and I are polar opposites in this area. When we have a "treat" in the house, I gorge until its gone. I do this by going back to the area of the treat and taking 1 or 2 with each pass. Kat on the other hand can have just one or a small portion and she is satisfied for several days. We actually have a problem because she will get only 1 or 2 of something and then it will be gone because I finish it. She actually gets quite irritated with me. I assumed since it had been sitting there for 4 days that she wasn't going to eat the treat, but she just wasn't "ready" to eat it. I'm not sure we have actually worked this out yet, but I do know that Kat has learned to hide her share and if she wishes to share it with me, she will offer.
I'm sure if my sister is reading this it will sound familiar. My Mother exhibits the same behavior. So the first question is, is this behavior learned? I'm sure that there is some learned behavior, but my guess is I not only learned the behavior, but probably learned that the behavior is used to cope with a feeling, or some trigger. As of this time, I do not know what triggers it. I also don't understand why it is only certain treats and if they are left out rather than hidden.
You say out of sight out of mind...but that isn't true. I know where the M&Ms are and I can access them at any time. It is something about being able to walk through the dinning room or kitchen and picking up the treat on the way...kind of a drive by snacking. You could say it was a drive by snacking by a fruit :)
Ok, I digress with a very bad play off of Mrs. Doubtfire. So my mission, should I choose to accept it, is to delve further into this behavior to understand it. With understanding comes empowerment and the ability to choose my path.
Successes: Did not eat the last chocolate chip pecan bars
Barriers: Extreme fatigue, not sleeping
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Perspective
Update:
Weight: 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 96 cal
Waist: 50 in.
Walking: 10 min x2 walking the dogs
I'm looking at my waist size and realizing that I am as big around and the twins are tall. Being 100 lbs. over weight is like carrying around both girls without the benefit of developing muscle to help with the extra weight. Plus looking at the weight cycle for the last week, it really makes me take a closer look at what I am doing and why I am this big.
I am tired today and really munchy. If I felt I had a choice, I would lay down on my lunch break rather than walk; but it is one of the few sunny days this summer, so I need to take advantage of it. I really don't feel like walking. I eat, I get nauseated, I get nuaseated, I need to eat....uggh.
Also, I haven't been sleeping the last few weeks. Kat pointed out that I am walking 5 days a week at work and maybe that is the issue. I went back to my KPWalk site and I have been walking daily for 9 weeks, longer than my sleep issues. I do know that sleep issues make it harder to loose weight. There have been recent studies about how sleep affects our weight. Along with those studies are other studies about how women with children at home tend to weigh more. This isn't related to being of childbearing age, but due to having to give up time to care for the kids and family, we give up our time. Plus the family life of extra curricular activites combined with having to eat out to keep up lead to a cycle of being overweight.
Luckily we don't have that issue. Both Kat and I believe that it is important for the girls to have activities, but spread out over the year. We want the kids to learn the benefit of space, of relaxation, of being comfortable with themselves. I hope and pray that the girls will have their own issues, but that neither will have to deal w/ obesity. I've been through a lot and am far from my childhood visions of what my life would turn out as. Regardless of the hurddle in front of me, I've been able to scale it and come out a better person on the other end; my weight is the only hurddle I've been unable to conquer.
Successes: walked, not going to the vending machine to munch
Barriers: tired, headache, feeling run down
Weight: 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 96 cal
Waist: 50 in.
Walking: 10 min x2 walking the dogs
I'm looking at my waist size and realizing that I am as big around and the twins are tall. Being 100 lbs. over weight is like carrying around both girls without the benefit of developing muscle to help with the extra weight. Plus looking at the weight cycle for the last week, it really makes me take a closer look at what I am doing and why I am this big.
I am tired today and really munchy. If I felt I had a choice, I would lay down on my lunch break rather than walk; but it is one of the few sunny days this summer, so I need to take advantage of it. I really don't feel like walking. I eat, I get nauseated, I get nuaseated, I need to eat....uggh.
Also, I haven't been sleeping the last few weeks. Kat pointed out that I am walking 5 days a week at work and maybe that is the issue. I went back to my KPWalk site and I have been walking daily for 9 weeks, longer than my sleep issues. I do know that sleep issues make it harder to loose weight. There have been recent studies about how sleep affects our weight. Along with those studies are other studies about how women with children at home tend to weigh more. This isn't related to being of childbearing age, but due to having to give up time to care for the kids and family, we give up our time. Plus the family life of extra curricular activites combined with having to eat out to keep up lead to a cycle of being overweight.
Luckily we don't have that issue. Both Kat and I believe that it is important for the girls to have activities, but spread out over the year. We want the kids to learn the benefit of space, of relaxation, of being comfortable with themselves. I hope and pray that the girls will have their own issues, but that neither will have to deal w/ obesity. I've been through a lot and am far from my childhood visions of what my life would turn out as. Regardless of the hurddle in front of me, I've been able to scale it and come out a better person on the other end; my weight is the only hurddle I've been unable to conquer.
Successes: walked, not going to the vending machine to munch
Barriers: tired, headache, feeling run down
Here we go....Keeping on track
Update:
Weight: 251.6 lbs
Net Cal: -493 cal
Walking: 10 min x2 walking the dogs
35 min walking the parking garage at work
I'm back in the saddle again. Feeling better after my rant on Sunday. Breathing better today, made it into work.
I have been looking at the days that my weight jumped up and wonder if there is a correlation between not eating enough calories and the jump in my weight. Maybe I am looking for reasons that my weight is jumping; I admit that. I am looking though at the hypothesis that yes a balanced diet, decrease in caloric intake, and exercise are the key, but these 3 need to be balanced to succeed. So not eating enough can throw the body off and make it feel as though it is starving.
Again, the above is my working hypothesis for my body. That is why I look at how many calories my body is supposed to have to maintain its weight then cut back some, but not enough to throw my body into the feeling that it has to pack away because we are in a famine. It will take longer than 10 days to test this, but I am interested in seeing what happens.
Of course, being a woman, I also have to deal with the hormonal shifts that move fluid around and make me ravenous. These are things that I see can influence my calorie intake and the scale. These variables are not the same in each woman either. Plus I know that some men have fluid shifts as well and that the Testosterone can cause hunger, but Testosterone also helps build lean muscle so it is a good and a bad thing. Personally there are times I would like a little Testosterone (my level is below that of norm for women too) so that I could build some lean muscle :)
Success: walking speed increased
Barriers: food intake too much
Weight: 251.6 lbs
Net Cal: -493 cal
Walking: 10 min x2 walking the dogs
35 min walking the parking garage at work
I'm back in the saddle again. Feeling better after my rant on Sunday. Breathing better today, made it into work.
I have been looking at the days that my weight jumped up and wonder if there is a correlation between not eating enough calories and the jump in my weight. Maybe I am looking for reasons that my weight is jumping; I admit that. I am looking though at the hypothesis that yes a balanced diet, decrease in caloric intake, and exercise are the key, but these 3 need to be balanced to succeed. So not eating enough can throw the body off and make it feel as though it is starving.
Again, the above is my working hypothesis for my body. That is why I look at how many calories my body is supposed to have to maintain its weight then cut back some, but not enough to throw my body into the feeling that it has to pack away because we are in a famine. It will take longer than 10 days to test this, but I am interested in seeing what happens.
Of course, being a woman, I also have to deal with the hormonal shifts that move fluid around and make me ravenous. These are things that I see can influence my calorie intake and the scale. These variables are not the same in each woman either. Plus I know that some men have fluid shifts as well and that the Testosterone can cause hunger, but Testosterone also helps build lean muscle so it is a good and a bad thing. Personally there are times I would like a little Testosterone (my level is below that of norm for women too) so that I could build some lean muscle :)
Success: walking speed increased
Barriers: food intake too much
Monday, July 18, 2011
Asthma Day
Update:
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: -1051 cal.
I don't have much to say today. Just trying to breath and take care of myself. I get so exhausted with my asthma, and the summer months (what summer you are asking) make it worse. So given that, I am going to sign off for today.
Weight: 252.4 lbs
Net Cal: -1051 cal.
I don't have much to say today. Just trying to breath and take care of myself. I get so exhausted with my asthma, and the summer months (what summer you are asking) make it worse. So given that, I am going to sign off for today.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Frustration
Update:
Weight: 251.4 lbs
Net Cal; -150
There is nothing more frustrating than stepping on the scale and seeing that your weight is up! I get this feeling of why am I even trying...I can't do this!
I can be all esoteric and look at my behaviors, my past attempts, and all that stuff. I can look at it from a nursing point of view and say it is just water weight (which it probably is). I still feel like I'm not doing something right! I feel let down and discouraged! I feel like a toddler that can throw a fit, cry, stomp their feet, and let the whole world know they are unhappy!
SO...you lucky people you....get my temper tantrum....I am tired of being fat! I am tired of having to work so damn hard to feel like I am not accomplishing anything!! I am tired of the fact that the clothes that I like look horrible and un-suave on a fat girl like me! I want to be able to do the activities I want and not worry about passing out or getting so worn out that I am not able to function for 2-3 days afterward! I want my wife to look at me and see the body I have inside of all the fat! I want to not have to worry about weight limits and go to the water park with the twins who feel I may be too fat to go down the water slides! I want to be able to show the twins and my wife all the wonders I have found in the forests around Mt. Hood! I want to not have to worry about every f**cking calorie I put in my mouth! I have enough shit in my life...I'd like to give this one up!
I just want to live my life, enjoy the time I have with the twins and Kat. Enjoy what G-d has made for us humans. To enjoy and experience as much as I can before I leave this world. Being fat prevents this on many different levels. From the physical of being too big to the emotional of knowing that you aren't able to complete activities you want, to the spiritual of knowing that G-d has given me this struggle and I have to find a way not to let it impede on my relationship with him, humanity, or myself.
There are a lot of I wants above. As those of us who are parents tell our children, we don't always get what we want. Does that mean that we are not able to wish? Does that mean that we can't hope? Does that mean that we should give up? I am learning, no we don't give up , loose hope, or not wish.
So given that, I push onward and upward. Continue to watch every calorie I put in my body, weigh daily and accept the fluctuations, keep walking, keep experiencing, keep hoping, keep wishing, and above all....NEVER GIVE UP!
Weight: 251.4 lbs
Net Cal; -150
There is nothing more frustrating than stepping on the scale and seeing that your weight is up! I get this feeling of why am I even trying...I can't do this!
I can be all esoteric and look at my behaviors, my past attempts, and all that stuff. I can look at it from a nursing point of view and say it is just water weight (which it probably is). I still feel like I'm not doing something right! I feel let down and discouraged! I feel like a toddler that can throw a fit, cry, stomp their feet, and let the whole world know they are unhappy!
SO...you lucky people you....get my temper tantrum....I am tired of being fat! I am tired of having to work so damn hard to feel like I am not accomplishing anything!! I am tired of the fact that the clothes that I like look horrible and un-suave on a fat girl like me! I want to be able to do the activities I want and not worry about passing out or getting so worn out that I am not able to function for 2-3 days afterward! I want my wife to look at me and see the body I have inside of all the fat! I want to not have to worry about weight limits and go to the water park with the twins who feel I may be too fat to go down the water slides! I want to be able to show the twins and my wife all the wonders I have found in the forests around Mt. Hood! I want to not have to worry about every f**cking calorie I put in my mouth! I have enough shit in my life...I'd like to give this one up!
I just want to live my life, enjoy the time I have with the twins and Kat. Enjoy what G-d has made for us humans. To enjoy and experience as much as I can before I leave this world. Being fat prevents this on many different levels. From the physical of being too big to the emotional of knowing that you aren't able to complete activities you want, to the spiritual of knowing that G-d has given me this struggle and I have to find a way not to let it impede on my relationship with him, humanity, or myself.
There are a lot of I wants above. As those of us who are parents tell our children, we don't always get what we want. Does that mean that we are not able to wish? Does that mean that we can't hope? Does that mean that we should give up? I am learning, no we don't give up , loose hope, or not wish.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
How I got here
Update:
Weight: 249 lbs
Net Calorie: -981
I realized that I jumped in with both feet and did not document where I came from.
Born in 1970 in Houston, Texas, I was always a big kid. Looking back, I was kind of chubby, but not an obese kid. Unfortunately, at that time, the push was for skinny, which I will never be. My family followed my doctor's advice and tried to find ways to encourage me to loose weight.
My poor Dad, he even told me, if I was able to get down to the 120 lbs I was supposed to be, he would buy me a dog. I was already 5'4" at 13 and weight about 140 lbs. So I basically stopped eating, lost the weight, got the dog, and regained my 20 lbs plus.
Over the years my weight bounced between 142lbs and 160 lbs. In 1992 I moved to Houston, Texas after college and took a job at Methodist Hospital in the surgical ICU. In the year that I lived in Houston I gained weight from 142 lbs. to 220 lbs. I moved back to Portland, Oregon and was able to loose enough to where I was healthy at 160 lbs.
I stayed around 160 -180 lbs until I met my first wife. During our 7 years together I gained 100 lbs. My highest weight ever was 280 lbs at the time I left her. There were up and down times within that 7 years. When I was pregnant with my twins, I lost weight so that when they were born, my weight was 225 lbs. Unfortunately, I gained it all back.
After my divorce from my first wife, I started working out 5 days a week during my lunch break at work. I did this for the first couple of years. In that time I met my second wife. At that time I was 240 lbs. During our 2 1/2 year relationship, I gained back to 270 lbs.
At the time of our divorce I was working full time on my MBA, single parenting the twins, and working full time. We ate out a lot, but luckily my weight did not go above 270 lbs.
When I started this journey (again) at the beginning of the year, I was 265 lbs. I had lost 12 lbs before starting this blog.
I am currently with Kat, my third and LAST wife :) She is very supportive of weight loss, but more supportive of having me learn how to take care of myself. Taking care of me is something that I have never been good at. I took care of my sister and mother growing up. I found 2 wives that required me to care for them at the expense of myself. I took care of step children, then my own, again with giving everything I had. Went to school, worked full time, and single parented was probably the biggest example of pushing too hard. I also switched jobs, moved, and divorced my second wife in the same time period.
I now take my needs into account. I work with Kat to make sure I get time for me when I need it. I am walking every day on my lunch break. I make sure that I have activities for the twins and I on the weekend that meet some of my needs i.e. walking to the Library. I am able to be more true to who I am. I am finding that it is OK to accept that I prefer masculine clothing. It is OK for me to take care of others as long as I take care of me too. I feel more like Me and more true to who G-d made me. In taking care of me, I am moving towards health and setting an example for the twins. I hope that they will see me succeed!
Weight: 249 lbs
Net Calorie: -981
I realized that I jumped in with both feet and did not document where I came from.
Born in 1970 in Houston, Texas, I was always a big kid. Looking back, I was kind of chubby, but not an obese kid. Unfortunately, at that time, the push was for skinny, which I will never be. My family followed my doctor's advice and tried to find ways to encourage me to loose weight.
My poor Dad, he even told me, if I was able to get down to the 120 lbs I was supposed to be, he would buy me a dog. I was already 5'4" at 13 and weight about 140 lbs. So I basically stopped eating, lost the weight, got the dog, and regained my 20 lbs plus.
Over the years my weight bounced between 142lbs and 160 lbs. In 1992 I moved to Houston, Texas after college and took a job at Methodist Hospital in the surgical ICU. In the year that I lived in Houston I gained weight from 142 lbs. to 220 lbs. I moved back to Portland, Oregon and was able to loose enough to where I was healthy at 160 lbs.
I stayed around 160 -180 lbs until I met my first wife. During our 7 years together I gained 100 lbs. My highest weight ever was 280 lbs at the time I left her. There were up and down times within that 7 years. When I was pregnant with my twins, I lost weight so that when they were born, my weight was 225 lbs. Unfortunately, I gained it all back.
After my divorce from my first wife, I started working out 5 days a week during my lunch break at work. I did this for the first couple of years. In that time I met my second wife. At that time I was 240 lbs. During our 2 1/2 year relationship, I gained back to 270 lbs.
At the time of our divorce I was working full time on my MBA, single parenting the twins, and working full time. We ate out a lot, but luckily my weight did not go above 270 lbs.
When I started this journey (again) at the beginning of the year, I was 265 lbs. I had lost 12 lbs before starting this blog.
I am currently with Kat, my third and LAST wife :) She is very supportive of weight loss, but more supportive of having me learn how to take care of myself. Taking care of me is something that I have never been good at. I took care of my sister and mother growing up. I found 2 wives that required me to care for them at the expense of myself. I took care of step children, then my own, again with giving everything I had. Went to school, worked full time, and single parented was probably the biggest example of pushing too hard. I also switched jobs, moved, and divorced my second wife in the same time period.
I now take my needs into account. I work with Kat to make sure I get time for me when I need it. I am walking every day on my lunch break. I make sure that I have activities for the twins and I on the weekend that meet some of my needs i.e. walking to the Library. I am able to be more true to who I am. I am finding that it is OK to accept that I prefer masculine clothing. It is OK for me to take care of others as long as I take care of me too. I feel more like Me and more true to who G-d made me. In taking care of me, I am moving towards health and setting an example for the twins. I hope that they will see me succeed!
Rewards
Update:
Wt. 249 lbs.
Net Cal for 7/14/2011 -331 cal
I've been thinking about what Kaiser is doing for the KP Walk program, giving rewards for set achievments. I have already received the lanyard and t-shirt. I kept thinking how silly it is that a 40 year old woman is excited about receiving a lanyard, but I was.
I have set rewards for myself as well. When I get to 240 lbs and stay there, I get to buy some ear cuffs that I want. When I get below 215 lbs, there is a leather wrist cuff I want. I have also told myself, if I get to my goal weight of 155 lbs and maintain for a year, I get a motorcycle. Yet, even with these "carrots", I am bouncing between 247 lbs and 254 lbs. I've had these rewards in mind for over a year, doesn't seem to be working. Yet when the reward is coming from outside it seems to make more of an impact.
It is the validation that I am doing something well that makes it worth working for. The funny thing, it takes more than a good job. I was on Weight Watchers Online and there was a lot of positive reinforcement verbally and through gaining virtual rewards. There is something about having something physical coming from an outside source that makes it different. I wear my lanyard proudly. My t-shirt was a little small, so I am working to get into it. Once it fits, I will wear it proudly to work and in the community.
It seems that for the KP Walkers, these physical rewards are working. There are posts on the wall daily about someone who has earned their lanyard or back pack. These are people within the Kaiser system nation wide who are working toward health with the support of our corporation.
So in my personal life, how do I create the same type of system. Not just the physical rewards, but the validation that comes from your environment. I don't have the answer, but what I can say is that it is a new revelation for me and I will need time to explore this.
Successes: Great walk at lunch today, have a plan for walking and Geocaching with the twins this weekend
Barriers: Today, no barriers :)
Wt. 249 lbs.
Net Cal for 7/14/2011 -331 cal
I've been thinking about what Kaiser is doing for the KP Walk program, giving rewards for set achievments. I have already received the lanyard and t-shirt. I kept thinking how silly it is that a 40 year old woman is excited about receiving a lanyard, but I was.
I have set rewards for myself as well. When I get to 240 lbs and stay there, I get to buy some ear cuffs that I want. When I get below 215 lbs, there is a leather wrist cuff I want. I have also told myself, if I get to my goal weight of 155 lbs and maintain for a year, I get a motorcycle. Yet, even with these "carrots", I am bouncing between 247 lbs and 254 lbs. I've had these rewards in mind for over a year, doesn't seem to be working. Yet when the reward is coming from outside it seems to make more of an impact.
It is the validation that I am doing something well that makes it worth working for. The funny thing, it takes more than a good job. I was on Weight Watchers Online and there was a lot of positive reinforcement verbally and through gaining virtual rewards. There is something about having something physical coming from an outside source that makes it different. I wear my lanyard proudly. My t-shirt was a little small, so I am working to get into it. Once it fits, I will wear it proudly to work and in the community.
It seems that for the KP Walkers, these physical rewards are working. There are posts on the wall daily about someone who has earned their lanyard or back pack. These are people within the Kaiser system nation wide who are working toward health with the support of our corporation.
So in my personal life, how do I create the same type of system. Not just the physical rewards, but the validation that comes from your environment. I don't have the answer, but what I can say is that it is a new revelation for me and I will need time to explore this.
Successes: Great walk at lunch today, have a plan for walking and Geocaching with the twins this weekend
Barriers: Today, no barriers :)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Panic
Update:
250.8 lbs
-368 cals on 7/13/2011
Busy morning, trying to get out of the house so I am not late for work. While I was driving in, I realized that I didn't pack my trailmix. Seems like not so big of a deal, but that is essentially my breakfast. I drink a glass of Carnation Instant Breakfast at home then eat my trailmix at work. It holds me until lunch.
When I realized that I didn't have my trailmix, I felt a pang of panic. What should I do? What if I get hungry and don't have enough food? Silly isn't it? Here I am 100 lbs over weight and I'm worried about not eating. There are very few times in my life when I didn't know when my next meal would be. So why did I have such a visceral reaction to forgetting my trailmix?
This made me look at my relationship with food. I have been feeling as though I had a better handle on things, but now I'm not so sure. I know that I look to food for comfort. I stress eat and binge. I've had fewer binges and they have been less intense in the last couple of years. I also no longer feel as though I have to hide my binges. Kat is aware of my eating habits and supports me. There are times when I say I am feeling "this" way and feel like I need to eat. She validates my feelings and there are times she says, its ok. Amazing how validation and permission empowers me over my eating.
It is said that awareness is the first step to recovery. I have gradually become more aware of my emotional reactions and how food plays a role, but awareness does not equate to empowerment. It is finding that empowerment and the ability to stop feeling ashamed. The fear of rejection, of negative lashing out, of being the recipient of someone's anger is fearful for most of us. To avoid these potential reactions, I have let my fear drive me to invisibility. How does someone my size become invisible...well, there are people want to avoid those of us that are obese, so in essence I become invisible; and if you are invisible, then no one can hurt you or reject you. The fear wins.
Funny thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I have rarely accomplished being invisible. Whether I wanted to or not, I push the envelope of acceptance. I never set out to do it, but in the end, that is the outcome. I don't know if anyone has changed their thinking based on their experience with me, but I know that many have been challenged to re-think their stance on several different topics, all because I am being true to myself and just being Me.
So if I can't hide even when I want to, why do I still seek to be invisible? I've had plenty of rejection in my life and have learned that I love me and that's what is important. I have nothing to be ashamed of. This may seem obvious, but I think some of it is trying to deter male attention. If I'm fat, guys aren't going to look twice at me. To be honest, even when I thought I was het, men knew there was something different about me and never really got close. So I really doubt that men are going to give a 40 something Mom of twins a second glance. On the other hand, I have been told by many different women, that I am very cute/hansome and just down right hot. Wouldn't loosing the weight be a benefit? Would I be cuter or hotter? As I say, I want to look better naked ;)
Is this more than many of you want to know....probably, but I am not ashamed of me...ok trying not to be ashamed of me.
Successes: made it through the day
Barriers: over thinking
250.8 lbs
-368 cals on 7/13/2011
Busy morning, trying to get out of the house so I am not late for work. While I was driving in, I realized that I didn't pack my trailmix. Seems like not so big of a deal, but that is essentially my breakfast. I drink a glass of Carnation Instant Breakfast at home then eat my trailmix at work. It holds me until lunch.
When I realized that I didn't have my trailmix, I felt a pang of panic. What should I do? What if I get hungry and don't have enough food? Silly isn't it? Here I am 100 lbs over weight and I'm worried about not eating. There are very few times in my life when I didn't know when my next meal would be. So why did I have such a visceral reaction to forgetting my trailmix?
This made me look at my relationship with food. I have been feeling as though I had a better handle on things, but now I'm not so sure. I know that I look to food for comfort. I stress eat and binge. I've had fewer binges and they have been less intense in the last couple of years. I also no longer feel as though I have to hide my binges. Kat is aware of my eating habits and supports me. There are times when I say I am feeling "this" way and feel like I need to eat. She validates my feelings and there are times she says, its ok. Amazing how validation and permission empowers me over my eating.
It is said that awareness is the first step to recovery. I have gradually become more aware of my emotional reactions and how food plays a role, but awareness does not equate to empowerment. It is finding that empowerment and the ability to stop feeling ashamed. The fear of rejection, of negative lashing out, of being the recipient of someone's anger is fearful for most of us. To avoid these potential reactions, I have let my fear drive me to invisibility. How does someone my size become invisible...well, there are people want to avoid those of us that are obese, so in essence I become invisible; and if you are invisible, then no one can hurt you or reject you. The fear wins.
Funny thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I have rarely accomplished being invisible. Whether I wanted to or not, I push the envelope of acceptance. I never set out to do it, but in the end, that is the outcome. I don't know if anyone has changed their thinking based on their experience with me, but I know that many have been challenged to re-think their stance on several different topics, all because I am being true to myself and just being Me.
So if I can't hide even when I want to, why do I still seek to be invisible? I've had plenty of rejection in my life and have learned that I love me and that's what is important. I have nothing to be ashamed of. This may seem obvious, but I think some of it is trying to deter male attention. If I'm fat, guys aren't going to look twice at me. To be honest, even when I thought I was het, men knew there was something different about me and never really got close. So I really doubt that men are going to give a 40 something Mom of twins a second glance. On the other hand, I have been told by many different women, that I am very cute/hansome and just down right hot. Wouldn't loosing the weight be a benefit? Would I be cuter or hotter? As I say, I want to look better naked ;)
Is this more than many of you want to know....probably, but I am not ashamed of me...ok trying not to be ashamed of me.
Successes: made it through the day
Barriers: over thinking
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Shame
First an update:
wt. 250.0
Net Cal: -81
I have been thinking a lot about this blog and what I want to get at...besides my goal weight :) I realize that there are things that I see that may be considered to much information by those who are reading this blog. There are things that I feel ashamed of because I am afraid that people will judge who I am by some of my "secrets". So do I be totally open, even if there is information that may put people off so that I am not allowing myself to hide any of my secrets?
I'm not sure I have the answer. I know that my dark side is not overly dark. We all have those parts of us that we are not sure society will accept. As a Jew, I believe that we are all born with a light and dark spirit and it is my job to learn how to accept my dark side as a part of who G-d made me.
I have my dark thoughts; for instance...after my ex and I broke up I had thoughts of taking a sword with an upward swing and beheading her. Would I really do this, never, I respect others too much regardless of what has been between us. It was my minds way of fortifying me. I look at this now and see that I perceived the as a Medusa. How do you kill a Medusa, you behead her. While there are other metaphors that work, it seemed that the ex's ability to petrify me is what seeped into my subconscious.
While this is a dark potentially homicidal thought, it is still a part of me. It was my minds way of empowering me to walk away; to break the hold she had over me. Does this make me a bad person? Does this change how my friends see me? I am the same Bridget I was before I wrote these words, yet you now know one of my "secrets". Am I ashamed...there is the part of my brain that says yes, you should be ashamed. Thoughts of harming another person are wrong. Then there is the side of me that accepts that I am human and sees these thoughts for what they are, just thoughts.
If having these types of thoughts are human and normal, then why is there an aura of shame associated with them. Thoughts don't always turn into action. I have yet to purchase a sword. I have also not become violent to others. Again, I am aware of my thoughts and I can differentiate between reality and fantasy, but my guess is, that many other people struggle with the shame of their "secrets"; yet those secrets are not harmful to anyone else, but become harmful to ourselves because of the shame that we are "supposed" to feel for our internal fantasies.
By accepting that these thoughts/fantasies are part of what make up Me, I have been less judgmental of them. I still find myself feeling ashamed, but in the end, it is between my G-d and me; let G-d judge my thoughts. I will judge my actions.
Successes: Boxers that were tight in the thigh are now loose. I walked today and felt better afterward. I began talking about my secrets.
Barriers: Needed one more snack for work, I came home hungry and over ate.
wt. 250.0
Net Cal: -81
I have been thinking a lot about this blog and what I want to get at...besides my goal weight :) I realize that there are things that I see that may be considered to much information by those who are reading this blog. There are things that I feel ashamed of because I am afraid that people will judge who I am by some of my "secrets". So do I be totally open, even if there is information that may put people off so that I am not allowing myself to hide any of my secrets?
I'm not sure I have the answer. I know that my dark side is not overly dark. We all have those parts of us that we are not sure society will accept. As a Jew, I believe that we are all born with a light and dark spirit and it is my job to learn how to accept my dark side as a part of who G-d made me.
I have my dark thoughts; for instance...after my ex and I broke up I had thoughts of taking a sword with an upward swing and beheading her. Would I really do this, never, I respect others too much regardless of what has been between us. It was my minds way of fortifying me. I look at this now and see that I perceived the as a Medusa. How do you kill a Medusa, you behead her. While there are other metaphors that work, it seemed that the ex's ability to petrify me is what seeped into my subconscious.
While this is a dark potentially homicidal thought, it is still a part of me. It was my minds way of empowering me to walk away; to break the hold she had over me. Does this make me a bad person? Does this change how my friends see me? I am the same Bridget I was before I wrote these words, yet you now know one of my "secrets". Am I ashamed...there is the part of my brain that says yes, you should be ashamed. Thoughts of harming another person are wrong. Then there is the side of me that accepts that I am human and sees these thoughts for what they are, just thoughts.
If having these types of thoughts are human and normal, then why is there an aura of shame associated with them. Thoughts don't always turn into action. I have yet to purchase a sword. I have also not become violent to others. Again, I am aware of my thoughts and I can differentiate between reality and fantasy, but my guess is, that many other people struggle with the shame of their "secrets"; yet those secrets are not harmful to anyone else, but become harmful to ourselves because of the shame that we are "supposed" to feel for our internal fantasies.
By accepting that these thoughts/fantasies are part of what make up Me, I have been less judgmental of them. I still find myself feeling ashamed, but in the end, it is between my G-d and me; let G-d judge my thoughts. I will judge my actions.
Successes: Boxers that were tight in the thigh are now loose. I walked today and felt better afterward. I began talking about my secrets.
Barriers: Needed one more snack for work, I came home hungry and over ate.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Let's see what today brings...
So first a quick update:
Found a site caloriecounter.about.com that provides many of the same onilne tools as weight watchers.
7-11-2011
Caloric Intake 2462 Calories Caloric Output 2710 Net -248 Calories
7-12-2011
Weight 251.6 lbs.
I am exhausted today. My asthma is really kicking up...we have had a drastic shift in weather, that always makes my asthma worse. I am so tired, that instead of a shower, I took a bath this morning. That is always a sign of how I am feeling.
My stomach is growling a lot today. I want to munch and eat, but then I feel so tired and icky that I don't want to expend the energy to eat.
Having gone home to rest, I am feeling hunger. Had a good dinner, dry hash as my family calls it: hamburger, mixed veggies, and potatoes. One of the family favorites and Kat likes to make it.
Successes: Took care of myself by going home to rest, my 24 shorts feel loose
Barriers: Not being able to breathe, loss of appetite leading to being famished and over eating.
Found a site caloriecounter.about.com that provides many of the same onilne tools as weight watchers.
7-11-2011
Caloric Intake 2462 Calories Caloric Output 2710 Net -248 Calories
7-12-2011
Weight 251.6 lbs.
I am exhausted today. My asthma is really kicking up...we have had a drastic shift in weather, that always makes my asthma worse. I am so tired, that instead of a shower, I took a bath this morning. That is always a sign of how I am feeling.
My stomach is growling a lot today. I want to munch and eat, but then I feel so tired and icky that I don't want to expend the energy to eat.
Having gone home to rest, I am feeling hunger. Had a good dinner, dry hash as my family calls it: hamburger, mixed veggies, and potatoes. One of the family favorites and Kat likes to make it.
Successes: Took care of myself by going home to rest, my 24 shorts feel loose
Barriers: Not being able to breathe, loss of appetite leading to being famished and over eating.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Courage and Success
A friend that I grew up with gave me a quote that resonated with me: The miracle isn't that I finished, but that I had the courage to start at all. While this does resonate with me, it brings up many questions for me as well. If starting is courageous, then I have tons of courage having started down this path many a time. What does it take to stay the course?
I get so discouraged, but I forget to really look at things. I have been working since January and have lost 15 lbs. It isn't a huge amount...averages out to about 2 lbs. per month. Plus I have been plateued for several weeks, so again it feels as though I am not making any progress. I walk a minimum of 20 minutes per day, more most days. All of this is good work! Now to find the staying power to keep going.
I get so tired, feeling like I am putting my all in to things. I am a hamster on a wheel...going round and round, but I stay fat. I am getting married next August and I would like to be down at or below 200 lbs. I want Kat to look at me in the tux I am planning on wearing and see the real me, not the fat me.
Successes: I walked 40 minutes at lunch today
Barriers: I am very hungry today, I'm tired, grumpy
I get so discouraged, but I forget to really look at things. I have been working since January and have lost 15 lbs. It isn't a huge amount...averages out to about 2 lbs. per month. Plus I have been plateued for several weeks, so again it feels as though I am not making any progress. I walk a minimum of 20 minutes per day, more most days. All of this is good work! Now to find the staying power to keep going.
I get so tired, feeling like I am putting my all in to things. I am a hamster on a wheel...going round and round, but I stay fat. I am getting married next August and I would like to be down at or below 200 lbs. I want Kat to look at me in the tux I am planning on wearing and see the real me, not the fat me.
Successes: I walked 40 minutes at lunch today
Barriers: I am very hungry today, I'm tired, grumpy
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Lazy Sunday
It has been a lazy Sunday. I have felt that blogs need to be profound, but am realizing that if this is going to work, I just need to be in the moment whether profound or not.
I have been very munchy this weekend. I keep putting this down to being on Prednisone as well as being at the end of my period. Never the less, I am feeling it. Finding that I am not eating meals, but replacing w/ constant snacking. In fact, as I am sitting here, I am munching on Boulder Canyon chips.
I am continuing to walk and work. I did lots of lifting and schlepping this weekend. I feel good because I've been able to keep up with that. Bought a lot of fruit at the store for snacks this week. I am geared for a good week, just loosing it on the weekend.
A good friend of mine suggested that I look at the BodyBug. I have and think it would be something that would be helpful, but is too spendy right now. I am beginning to work on a hypothesis that I may not be eating enough calories. Instead of cutting back, I may need to give my body more to stop feeling like its starving.
To accomplish this, I have to take on the barrier of calorie counting. To be aware of what I am taking in so that I can adjust it up or down as needed. It feels daunting!! I see the path, but man I don't want to walk it.
My Success for the day: My clothes are looser and I downloaded new geocaches into my GPS that are withing 1.5 miles of home.
My Barriers: Counting calories and feeling munchy all the time.
I have been very munchy this weekend. I keep putting this down to being on Prednisone as well as being at the end of my period. Never the less, I am feeling it. Finding that I am not eating meals, but replacing w/ constant snacking. In fact, as I am sitting here, I am munching on Boulder Canyon chips.
I am continuing to walk and work. I did lots of lifting and schlepping this weekend. I feel good because I've been able to keep up with that. Bought a lot of fruit at the store for snacks this week. I am geared for a good week, just loosing it on the weekend.
A good friend of mine suggested that I look at the BodyBug. I have and think it would be something that would be helpful, but is too spendy right now. I am beginning to work on a hypothesis that I may not be eating enough calories. Instead of cutting back, I may need to give my body more to stop feeling like its starving.
To accomplish this, I have to take on the barrier of calorie counting. To be aware of what I am taking in so that I can adjust it up or down as needed. It feels daunting!! I see the path, but man I don't want to walk it.
My Success for the day: My clothes are looser and I downloaded new geocaches into my GPS that are withing 1.5 miles of home.
My Barriers: Counting calories and feeling munchy all the time.
Friday, July 8, 2011
What are my needs?
So what do I need? Let's get down to the basics here.
BODY:
Calories:
Using the Daily Caloric Intake Calculator @ http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm, to maintain my current weight, I need 2947 calories/day. To achieve fat loss, 2358 calories/day.
I do not know how many calories per day I am eating. I do know that I have dropped my number of snacks and meals per day and what I eat is more fruits and less snack food.
I find I have a barrier to calorie counting. It is too much work to look up the calories for each thing that I am eating to see if I am staying within the daily allowance.
As for fluids, I drink approximately 3 liters of fluids per day. I have been sober from soda since 4/8/2009. I drink Diet Snapple Peach Tea (the last time I worked w/ Weight Watchers, this was considered the same as water). I also drink part of a Gatorade low calorie most days.
Exercise:
I am currently signed up with KPwalk; a Healthy Workforce program through Kaiser. The program encourages exercise and "rewards" you as you reach exercise goals. So far I have walked 2800+ minutes and earned a lanyard and t-shirt. It feels silly to get excited about a KPwalk lanyard, but it felt good to earn it.
My current exercise regimen is 10 minutes twice a day walking the dogs and then 20-40 minutes of walking at work. Depending on the weather, I walk in the adjacent neighborhood or the parking garage.
On the weekends there is lots of schlepping of groceries and materials for projects around the house.
Sleep:
This is an area that is difficult for me. According to my Mother, I never wanted to sleep because I didn't want to miss anything. I am still that way. Every night,my partner Kat and I say we are going to bed early; we have yet to really make this happen.
What is keeping me up...the computer and games. Then when Kat and I do get to bed, we sit up and talk for at least an hour.
EMOTIONAL:
This is a quagmire that is daunting. I still see a fight; a fight against society, a fight against my automatic negative self talk (ANTs), a fight against unhealthy habits, a fight that is overwhelming and feels never ending.
My goal is to change my internal culture so that instead of seeing a fight, I can see a dance. Something that is active, fluid, and results in beauty and amazement. In away, pounding the sword into a ploughshare, a way to find peace within.
My emotional needs are many, but I feel the place to start is with some of the hardest to tackle: self-care and self-love. By keeping these two issues in the forefront of my mind, I envision a light to guide me through swamp of all other issues(hmmm...sounding a bit ogreish right now :)
So, what I see my need right now is to be gentle with myself, encourage self care and celebrate each of the successes to gain my confidence that I can continue on even when stress and life happen.
SPIRITUAL:
Being a Jew opens lots of new perspectives for me. One of the ideas that Jews believe is that every person is made up of good and bad and to be true to G-d, we learn to live with both. There is no focus just on the good and rejection of the bad. As master Ugay said in Kung Fu Panda: News is neither good or bad, it is just news. I see our spirits in a similar manner. By rejecting half of our make up, we set ourselves up for feeling not ever good enough. For the longest time, I was scared to look at my "darker" side. I was convinced that I was a horrible person because of the thoughts that my darker side has. I've come to realize, my dark side isn't that dark, it just is. It is part of being human, what G-d made.
One of the other lessons I am working with is that of space. Jews look at a page of text and not only look at what is written on the page, but they look at the white space around the words because it is in this space you will find what you seek. It is the same in my life. I have always been one who stays busy all the time. I can pack a ton of activities into a day and get it all done. By doing that, I have no time to look at the space that allow me to find myself. By creating space, I have the time to see life more clearly and see those things that are between the words.
My spiritual needs are that of staying connected with G-d and finding what I need within the blank space of my life.
WHERE I AM NOW:
1. Eating habits: continue to change my diet and find a way to become aware of the number of calories I take in every day.
2. Exercise: Continue to walk and participate in projects/activities.
3. Sleep: Look at ways to adjust my evening routine to include time with Kat, less time on TV/Computer/Phone, and get to bed by 9:30pm
4. Emotional: Be aware of need for self-care and look for opportunities to practice.
5. Spiritual: Stay connected w/ G-d in the spaces between the words.
BODY:
Calories:
Using the Daily Caloric Intake Calculator @ http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm, to maintain my current weight, I need 2947 calories/day. To achieve fat loss, 2358 calories/day.
I do not know how many calories per day I am eating. I do know that I have dropped my number of snacks and meals per day and what I eat is more fruits and less snack food.
I find I have a barrier to calorie counting. It is too much work to look up the calories for each thing that I am eating to see if I am staying within the daily allowance.
As for fluids, I drink approximately 3 liters of fluids per day. I have been sober from soda since 4/8/2009. I drink Diet Snapple Peach Tea (the last time I worked w/ Weight Watchers, this was considered the same as water). I also drink part of a Gatorade low calorie most days.
Exercise:
I am currently signed up with KPwalk; a Healthy Workforce program through Kaiser. The program encourages exercise and "rewards" you as you reach exercise goals. So far I have walked 2800+ minutes and earned a lanyard and t-shirt. It feels silly to get excited about a KPwalk lanyard, but it felt good to earn it.
My current exercise regimen is 10 minutes twice a day walking the dogs and then 20-40 minutes of walking at work. Depending on the weather, I walk in the adjacent neighborhood or the parking garage.
On the weekends there is lots of schlepping of groceries and materials for projects around the house.
Sleep:
This is an area that is difficult for me. According to my Mother, I never wanted to sleep because I didn't want to miss anything. I am still that way. Every night,my partner Kat and I say we are going to bed early; we have yet to really make this happen.
What is keeping me up...the computer and games. Then when Kat and I do get to bed, we sit up and talk for at least an hour.
EMOTIONAL:
This is a quagmire that is daunting. I still see a fight; a fight against society, a fight against my automatic negative self talk (ANTs), a fight against unhealthy habits, a fight that is overwhelming and feels never ending.
My goal is to change my internal culture so that instead of seeing a fight, I can see a dance. Something that is active, fluid, and results in beauty and amazement. In away, pounding the sword into a ploughshare, a way to find peace within.
My emotional needs are many, but I feel the place to start is with some of the hardest to tackle: self-care and self-love. By keeping these two issues in the forefront of my mind, I envision a light to guide me through swamp of all other issues(hmmm...sounding a bit ogreish right now :)
So, what I see my need right now is to be gentle with myself, encourage self care and celebrate each of the successes to gain my confidence that I can continue on even when stress and life happen.
SPIRITUAL:
Being a Jew opens lots of new perspectives for me. One of the ideas that Jews believe is that every person is made up of good and bad and to be true to G-d, we learn to live with both. There is no focus just on the good and rejection of the bad. As master Ugay said in Kung Fu Panda: News is neither good or bad, it is just news. I see our spirits in a similar manner. By rejecting half of our make up, we set ourselves up for feeling not ever good enough. For the longest time, I was scared to look at my "darker" side. I was convinced that I was a horrible person because of the thoughts that my darker side has. I've come to realize, my dark side isn't that dark, it just is. It is part of being human, what G-d made.
One of the other lessons I am working with is that of space. Jews look at a page of text and not only look at what is written on the page, but they look at the white space around the words because it is in this space you will find what you seek. It is the same in my life. I have always been one who stays busy all the time. I can pack a ton of activities into a day and get it all done. By doing that, I have no time to look at the space that allow me to find myself. By creating space, I have the time to see life more clearly and see those things that are between the words.
My spiritual needs are that of staying connected with G-d and finding what I need within the blank space of my life.
WHERE I AM NOW:
1. Eating habits: continue to change my diet and find a way to become aware of the number of calories I take in every day.
2. Exercise: Continue to walk and participate in projects/activities.
3. Sleep: Look at ways to adjust my evening routine to include time with Kat, less time on TV/Computer/Phone, and get to bed by 9:30pm
4. Emotional: Be aware of need for self-care and look for opportunities to practice.
5. Spiritual: Stay connected w/ G-d in the spaces between the words.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
In the Beginning
I read somewhere that there was a group of women who lost weight because they tweeted when they felt like emotional eating or lost motivation. I want to see if I can blog with the same intent. A healthy lifestyle is a process that requires dedication, support, and an understanding of how you got where you are. Beyond that, you have to feel. I am very good at staying in my head, not so good about moving through the emotion. I hope to see my blogs move from the realm of reason and logic, to delve into how my emotions, beliefs, and values have helped create who I am. Being aware of societal input and spiritual as well, I hope to find my dance steps to health.
Weight: 253.8 lbs.
Height: 5'4"
BMI: 43
Cholesterol: 143
Triglycerides: 143
HDL (good fat): 53
LDL (bad fat): 61
Creatnine: 0.75
ALT (liver) 15
HA1c 6.7
At this point, I have lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the year. I have also gone from the 1st set of holes on a 42 in. belt to the 3rd set of holes.
The health issues I have are obesity, asthma, diabetes type 2, and depression.
I work fulltime as a nurse case manager for large national health system. I am a Mom to twin 7 year old daughters who are quite active. I have a beautiful partner whom I am set to wed in August of 2012.
My faith of choice is Judaism. I converted in 2009 and my Hebrew name is Adira. While I would love to be more observant, it seems that life keeps interfering.
I have never been very good at taking care of myself. I have spent my life caring for everyone else, putting their needs before mine, and telling myself that I don't deserve to be treated well because I am not lovable. While I have worked through some of this and am learning that I need to care for me to care for others, there is still the habit and tapes of negative feelings that I have to rewrite.
So here I am a little ways down the track from where I started. Trying to find my way to health.
Weight: 253.8 lbs.
Height: 5'4"
BMI: 43
Cholesterol: 143
Triglycerides: 143
HDL (good fat): 53
LDL (bad fat): 61
Creatnine: 0.75
ALT (liver) 15
HA1c 6.7
At this point, I have lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the year. I have also gone from the 1st set of holes on a 42 in. belt to the 3rd set of holes.
The health issues I have are obesity, asthma, diabetes type 2, and depression.
I work fulltime as a nurse case manager for large national health system. I am a Mom to twin 7 year old daughters who are quite active. I have a beautiful partner whom I am set to wed in August of 2012.
My faith of choice is Judaism. I converted in 2009 and my Hebrew name is Adira. While I would love to be more observant, it seems that life keeps interfering.
I have never been very good at taking care of myself. I have spent my life caring for everyone else, putting their needs before mine, and telling myself that I don't deserve to be treated well because I am not lovable. While I have worked through some of this and am learning that I need to care for me to care for others, there is still the habit and tapes of negative feelings that I have to rewrite.
So here I am a little ways down the track from where I started. Trying to find my way to health.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)