Demons!

Update:

Weight: 253.6 lbs
Net Cal: + 35 cal
Waist: 50 in
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x 2,

Depression is one of my demons.  It manifests itself in many different ways; through my asthma, through fatigue, through apathy...  I am again, fighting with it.  I've been under a lot of stress lately and find that my negative messages are starting up again.  I also see where my binging has started as well.  One of the worst times for me though is the summer.

During the summer I usually have issues with my asthma.  Hot weather, pollens, dust, ect all contribute.  My therapist also thought there was some reason Summers are hard on me; a few years ago, I think I found a clue as to why.

I went under hypnosis (collective groan) to help break through some of the barriers that had impeded my progress.  I had several sessions with a wonderful therapist who had helped me see many of my filters from a different angle and allowed me to let go of some of them.  In one of our last sessions, I found a memory of my bare feet in grass and I was about 3 years old.  My Mom was talking with another adult and I came running up to her very frightened.  She kept telling me to be quiet and I turned around and the thing I was scared of was in the parking lot...a young man whom I knew. 

Now, while everyone is thinking we've heard this before, under hypnosis you discover you were sexually molested by someone.  To be honest, we don't know what happened.  What we do know is that this young man created a fear in me that was equivalent to a reaction of a molestation patient.  It doesn't matter physically what happened, just the emotional response and consequently, decisions that were made by that 3 year old that have had consequences ever since.  For the next 4 years, until I was 7, these fears were present.  I never forgot that young man and my Mom was shocked when I started asking questions about him; she didn't think I remembered him.

The decision I made was to be bigger so that no one could scare me or hurt me again.  Now in the mind of a 3 year old, that would be an adult, someone equal size.  I often wonder how much this decision has effected my weight.  Being aware has helped, I am not as effected during the summer, but there is still this unseen stress that crops up.

On another note, it seems that my body is a bit confused.  I've been startled at how off my weight has been and how it is as I'm about to start my period.  Well, it was right, I started my period 2 weeks early.  So the hormone shift could have a lot to do with some of the difficulties I've been having.  This also means that I may be entering peri-menopause.  I have never been early in my life, so.....

Publish Post

Successes: I got out of bed, bought a 16 oz scale
Barriers: Started my period, did not walk