Panic

Update:
250.8 lbs
-368 cals on 7/13/2011

Busy morning, trying to get out of the house so I am not late for work.  While I was driving in, I realized that I didn't pack my trailmix.  Seems like not so big of a deal, but that is essentially my breakfast.  I drink a glass of Carnation Instant Breakfast at home then eat my trailmix at work.  It holds me until lunch.

When I realized that I didn't have my trailmix, I felt a pang of panic.  What should I do?  What if I get hungry and don't have enough food?  Silly isn't it?  Here I am 100 lbs over weight and I'm worried about not eating.  There are very few times in my life when I didn't know when my next meal would be.  So why did I have such a visceral reaction to forgetting my trailmix?

This made me look at my relationship with food.  I have been feeling as though I had a better handle on things, but now I'm not so sure.  I know that I look to food for comfort.  I stress eat and binge.  I've had fewer binges and they have been less intense in the last couple of years.  I also no longer feel as though I have to hide my binges.  Kat is aware of my eating habits and supports me.  There are times when I say I am feeling "this" way and feel like I need to eat.  She validates my feelings and there are times she says, its ok.  Amazing how validation and permission empowers me over my eating. 

It is said that awareness is the first step to recovery.  I have gradually become more aware of my emotional reactions and how food plays a role, but awareness does not equate to empowerment.  It is finding that empowerment and the ability to stop feeling ashamed.  The fear of rejection, of negative lashing out, of being the recipient of someone's anger is fearful for most of us.  To avoid these potential reactions, I have let my fear drive me to invisibility.  How does someone my size become invisible...well, there are people want to avoid those of us that are obese, so in essence I become invisible; and if you are invisible, then no one can hurt you or reject you.  The fear wins.

Funny thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I have rarely accomplished being invisible.  Whether I wanted to or not, I push the envelope of acceptance.  I never set out to do it, but in the end, that is the outcome.  I don't know if anyone has changed their thinking based on their experience with me, but I know that many have been challenged to re-think their stance on several different topics, all because I am being true to myself and just being Me.

So if I can't hide even when I want to, why do I still seek to be invisible?  I've had plenty of rejection in my life and have learned that I love me and that's what is important.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  This may seem obvious, but I think some of it is trying to deter male attention.  If I'm fat, guys aren't going to look twice at me.  To be honest, even when I thought I was het, men knew there was something different about me and never really got close.  So I really doubt that men are going to give a 40 something Mom of twins a second glance.  On the other hand, I have been told by many different women, that I am very cute/hansome and just down right hot.  Wouldn't loosing the weight be a benefit?  Would I be cuter or hotter?  As I say, I want to look better naked ;)

Is this more than many of you want to know....probably, but I am not ashamed of me...ok trying not to be ashamed of me. 

Successes:  made it through the day

Barriers: over thinking