It's a process

Update:

Weight: 252.2 lbs.
Net Cal: -129 cal
Exercise: walked dogs 10 min x 2, shopped Costco and Fred Meyers for a total of 60 min

Here it is a bright sunny day in the Pacific Northwest!  While the rest of the country is sweltering in their Summer, it appears that Summer shows up here for a day or two, then we descend back into Fall.  I am in on means complaining, I really don't like the heat.  I am excited though that I have found a way to keep walking even in the cold, rainy weather; I have started walking the parking garage at work!

As a nurse case manager, I think outside the box to help my patients achieve their health goals.  I remind them that every success is worth celebrating, and that they should be gentle on themselves.  I am beginning to use the same talk and tools with myself.

This morning I found myself feeling anxious and pushing myself to get going, get the shopping done, then come home and clean the house.  I stopped, re-evaluated the situation.  It was only 0900, and it would be OK if we didn't leave the house until after 10.  So I slowed down, and relaxed.  The girls and I left @ 1030 and were home by 1230.  It all worked out and I am OK, nothing bad happened because I took some extra time for me so I didn't feel anxious.

As Kat and I were talking this morning before I left, it came up that she has an issue that I do; we both project negative talk onto strangers and assume they are thinking derogatorily towards us.  For example: standing in line with ice cream, the assumption is that the people around me, the clerk, others in line, those I pass from the ice cream freezer to the check out, the are all thinking that fat woman doesn't need ice cream....why is she getting ice cream she is already so fat...what a fat ass, she's only going to get bigger w/ the ice cream.  NOW, in reality, my guess is many of those people haven't even registered that they passed me.  I remind myself that out of all the people I encounter during that trip to the store, a very small percentage would have those thoughts, yet I feel as though everyone is looking at the fat woman buying ice cream.

It is a process.  I have been working on my negative self talk.  I don't automatically blame myself for issues that come up.  I look at all involved.  I don't berate myself when I make a mistake and I look at events in my life as a continuum, in the scope of my life, is this something that is a big deal?  So now, I see that I am creating negative talk through projection on others; through thinking that I am so horrible, how could someone not notice me.  The funny thing is, people don't notice me, no matter how big I get.

I have been threatened in the past that a bell would be put around my neck because I "sneak" up on people.  I don't do this on purpose, I just walk softly.  I remember in high school I was in a volleyball class and Mrs. Coons told me that volleyball players had quiet feet...I guess I took that to heart.  I have worked so hard at being invisible, that I have become invisible.  Now it is time to show myself to the world!

Successes: Slowed myself down
Barriers: Continue to be tired, looks like the twins are sick and we are going to the urgent care

Just as an aside, I now fit into my KPWalk t-shirt, I changed my profile pic to show I wear it proudly :)