Demons...The Sequel

Update:

Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: +167
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2, 35 min walk to Bales and back

First, I want to say Thank You!!  I have been surprised by how many people are reading the blog and appreciate all the comments and advice I have been receiving!  Thank you!

One of my biggest demons is my lack of self esteem.  Now for those of you who know me as an adult, you may be saying, what is she talking about.  For a large portion of my life, I felt that I was not lovable.  I felt that I was untouchable.  Many of my nightmares revolved around these two themes.

As a young adult, I didn't understand what was wrong with me and why men did not find me attractive.  It wasn't until 1997 when I was 27 did I realize and accept that I was a lesbian (Sammy don't giggle ;)  This did not help the feeling of isolation.  I felt even more of an outsider and more alone.  So when my first wife came around, I jumped thinking that this would be my only opportunity at having someone in my life.  I didn't trust myself to find someone who worked for me, so I settled.

Unfortunately not only did I make a mistake, it hurt several other people that I never wanted to hurt.  While I feel that the decisions I felt I had to make hurt others, I do feel I made the right decision.  So when I did start dating again, I had more confidence in myself.  I had certain attributes I wanted in a partner.  I wasn't going to settle; I found that women find me attractive and that I am not alone or isolated.

After one more failed marriage, I have found a woman whom I love and am very happy with.  I couldn't feel happier and more in love with anyone.  She and I work well together and feel that we each has truly found our true partner.  This doesn't stop the doubt about how I contributed to my other failed marriages.  Will I do the same thing to Kat?  How can I prevent those behaviors?  Will she find me unlovable once the shine is gone from our relationship?  I know she won't but the feelings are still there, the doubts.

People who know me professionally, don't see someone who is unsure of themselves.  I am a confident and competent nurse.  What they don't see is the anxiety that happens when I get home.  The constant questioning of did I make the right decisions, did I make a mistake that would harm someone, was my assessments done correctly, could I have seen the complications coming sooner than I did... All of this questioning and re-assessment made me a good nurse, but caused a lot of stress in my life.

I have difficulty making friends, I am very shy.  My Mom used to tell me, even if I didn't feel confident in myself, that if I pretended I was, others would think I was.  She was right.  Even today I pretend.  It takes me a long time to get to know people in new situations.  When I first entered our shul, I was very shy and did not know how to relate to others in the congregation.  I was new to Judaism and was not familiar with the services, the holidays, or the traditions.  I now feel apart of our congregation, have several people I feel fortunate to call friends, and know that this is the place that I want to worship and for the girls to grow up in their spirituality.

The constant questioning of myself in my personal, professional, and spiritual life creates a feeling of uncertainty.  As any parent, I worry that I am doing right by the children.  How does my constant questioning effect the girls?  Is it a negative effect or a positive effect?  Will they grow up feeling unloved and untouchable as well?

I tell the girls every day I love them.  I am always telling them how proud I am of them and that the rock!  I now need to learn to tell my self everyday that I love me and tell myself how proud I am of me.  I need to be a good parent to myself.  I need to be as gentle with myself when I make a mistake as I am with the twins or Kat.  It is important that I see that I am lovable even as I am, not just when I get to a certain weight.

Successes: Kat asked me to take a walk since I have been home a couple of days so I did
Barriers: Depression, never enough time to get through all I want/need to do