Frustration

Update:

Weight: 251.4 lbs
Net Cal; -150

There is nothing more frustrating than stepping on the scale and seeing that your weight is up!  I get this feeling of why am I even trying...I can't do this! 

I can be all esoteric and look at my behaviors, my past attempts, and all that stuff.  I can look at it from a nursing point of view and say it is just water weight (which it probably is).  I still feel like I'm not doing something right!  I feel let down and discouraged!  I feel like a toddler that can throw a fit, cry, stomp their feet, and let the whole world know they are unhappy! 

SO...you lucky people you....get my temper tantrum....I am tired of being fat!  I am tired of having to work so damn hard to feel like I am not accomplishing anything!!  I am tired of the fact that the clothes that I like look horrible and un-suave on a fat girl like me!  I want to be able to do the activities I want and not worry about passing out or getting so worn out that I am not able to function for 2-3 days afterward!  I want my wife to look at me and see the body I have inside of all the fat!  I want to not have to worry about weight limits and go to the water park with the twins who feel I may be too fat to go down the water slides! I want to be able to show the twins and my wife all the wonders I have found in the forests around Mt. Hood!  I want to not have to worry about every f**cking calorie I put in my mouth!  I have enough shit in my life...I'd like to give this one up! 

I just want to live my life, enjoy the time I have with the twins and Kat.  Enjoy what G-d has made for us humans.  To enjoy and experience as much as I can before I leave this world.  Being fat prevents this on many different levels.  From the physical of being too big to the emotional of knowing that you aren't able to complete activities you want, to the spiritual of knowing that G-d has given me this struggle and I have to find a way not to let it impede on my relationship with him, humanity, or myself. 

There are a lot of I wants above.  As those of us who are parents tell our children, we don't always get what we want.  Does that mean that we are not able to wish?  Does that mean that we can't hope?  Does that mean that we should give up?  I am learning, no we don't give up , loose hope, or not wish. 

So given that, I push onward and upward.  Continue to watch every calorie I put in my body, weigh daily and accept the fluctuations, keep walking, keep experiencing, keep hoping, keep wishing, and above all....NEVER GIVE UP!