Shame

First an update:

wt. 250.0
Net Cal: -81

I have been thinking a lot about this blog and what I want to get at...besides my goal weight :)  I realize that there are things that I see that may be considered to much information by those who are reading this blog.  There are things that I feel ashamed of because I am afraid that people will judge who I am by some of my "secrets".  So do I be totally open, even if there is information that may put people off so that I am not allowing myself to hide any of my secrets?

I'm not sure I have the answer.  I know that my dark side is not overly dark.  We all have those parts of us that we are not sure society will accept.  As a Jew, I believe that we are all born with a light and dark spirit and it is my job to learn how to accept my dark side as a part of who G-d made me.

I have my dark thoughts; for instance...after my ex and I broke up I had thoughts of taking a sword with an upward swing and beheading her.  Would I really do this, never, I respect others too much regardless of what has been between us.  It was my minds way of fortifying me.  I look at this now and see that I perceived the as a Medusa.  How do you kill a Medusa, you behead her.  While there are other metaphors that work, it seemed that the ex's ability to petrify me is what seeped into my subconscious.

While this is a dark potentially homicidal thought, it is still a part of me.  It was my minds way of empowering me to walk away; to break the hold she had over me.  Does this make me a bad person?  Does this change how my friends see me?  I am the same Bridget I was before I wrote these words, yet you now know one of my "secrets".  Am I ashamed...there is the part of my brain that says yes, you should be ashamed.  Thoughts of harming another person are wrong.  Then there is the side of me that accepts that I am human and sees these thoughts for what they are, just thoughts.

If having these types of thoughts are human and normal, then why is there an aura of shame associated with them.  Thoughts don't always turn into action.  I have yet to purchase a sword.  I have also not become violent to others.  Again, I am aware of my thoughts and I can differentiate between reality and fantasy, but my guess is, that many other people struggle with the shame of their "secrets"; yet those secrets are not harmful to anyone else, but become harmful to ourselves because of the shame that we are "supposed" to feel for our internal fantasies.

By accepting that these thoughts/fantasies are part of what make up Me, I have been less judgmental of them.  I still find myself feeling ashamed, but in the end, it is between my G-d and me; let G-d judge my thoughts.  I will judge my actions.

Successes: Boxers that were tight in the thigh are now loose.  I walked today and felt better afterward.  I began talking about my secrets.
Barriers: Needed one more snack for work, I came home hungry and over ate.