Not ready for this

Update:

Weight: 251.8 lbs
Net Cal: -180 cal
Exercise: walk the dogs 10 min x2,

I have to admit, I am perceverating on the fact that it appears I am entering early menopause.  I have joked about not having a menstral cycle for quite some time.  I've always had issues with my menstral cycle, so to not have to deal with it seems like a blessing.  Yet, here I am looking at a very real possibility of entering menopause at the age of 41 (ok 40 until Saturday). 

I in no way want to have more kids.  I love the twins and am blessed to have them in my life; my pregnancy was an experience I never want to relive.  If we are to have more kids, it would be Kat's turn; I have no intention of having any more children.  So it makes sense, not having any more children, entering menopause would be a relief.

I remember in nursing school we talked about menopause and how women, regardless if they want more kids or not, seem to have difficulty wrapping thier brains around it.  At that time (early 20's) I thought, are you kidding?  Why would anyone want to deal with their menstral cycle if they don't have to?  Well here I am and I am saying, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

I have to admit, I am concerned about the weight gain.  Here I am working to get my weight under control, and my body will be working against me.  I am already having issues with insomnia; that doesn't help either.  Now I go through this freak out period, imagine all the things that "could" happen, then I settle into my take it as it comes attitude.

As always, though there is good that comes of all things.  I am not afraid to age, though I never really believed that it would happen ;)  Aging is just part of the process and continuing to take away lessons learned is the goal.  Also it means, that I may be over all of this by the time the twins start their cycles....happy dance!!  I have to admit, I wasn't looking forward to all of us cycling at the same time, or worse, one week apart....shudder....

I know for some of you, this may be TMI.  This subject though effects my wellbeing and health.  It changes how I look at my body and what I expect my body to be able to do.  I find it funny, we can't wait to be adults but to do so, we have to work our way through puberty.  Then to enter your years where children are not the sole focus we have to go through another puberty like hormonal experience. 

Again, I am amazed at our bodies, how they are able to run so smoothly and consistantly.  There is a predictability to our life cycle.  Yet, even with that predictability, I find myself saying, yes these things will happen to me, but much further down the road; I am always surprised when down the road is now! 

Successes: Walked at lunch, fit into a shirt that a friend gave me that was too tight a few weeks ago
Barriers: Walked in my Penny Loafers (wasn't a problem a month ago) and now have blisters on the balls of my feet :(   5 hrs of sleep last night, tired